A friend was outed yesterday…

[+ PhileasFogg]

…in Tennessee, in a group chat to a large group sent by his female boss’s estranged husband.  He’s a bi bottom and this revelation would shock most everyone who knows him (it did me when we had our mutual coming out to one another)

What would you advise him to do?   He can’t unring the bell, but does he have a cause for action against the estranged husband?  Any experiences from someone who’s confronted this would be especially helpful. 

[+ SirBillybob]

Weaponizing information meant to be private … vile. Actionable? A tough question.

Apart from potential social embarrassment for your friend, not to minimize the range of damages, but does the ex wife of the chat blaster detonating both reputation and stereotype, your friend’s boss, know her employee’s MSM status? The question of his job security and/or workplace harassment may be moot; that could be considered one reversed bell clapper ding. 

I was out as a working adult via observation and assumptions by others, presumably network gossip, etc, not any personal declaration on my part. If any occupational consequences, they were not overt.

My parents some distance away were unfazed when I shared my orientation approaching middle age. It wasn’t “please pass the turkey gravy to a homosexual”, since the boat could have been slid to the wrong chap at the festive table, but disclosure accompanied by reassurance regarding HIV negative status, very front of mind at the time.

Obviously, less control than one prefers is discomfiting. The estranged husband’s self-reveal as a malicious little b**ch can’t be unrung either.

Edited Friday at 01:40 PM by SirBillybob

[maninsoma]

I'm not a lawyer so maybe I'm off base, but if the "offense" is that he was simply outed I don't think there's anything the guy can do legally.  Defamation (whether spoken or written) requires that the information be false.  If the estranged husband editorialized beyond the guy's sexual orientation (making statements about the guy's sexual activity, health information, etc), there could be a basis for a lawsuit.  I think intent also matters.  For example, if the estranged husband was divulging this information in a manner intended to harm your friend (loss of job, housing) he could be sued for that harassment even though the basis of the harassment is true.

I'll admit my first reaction is to feel sad that we are still in this place in the USA in 2026.  Having come out as a teenager in the late 1970s, I'm typically perplexed when adults make their sexual orientation a secretive "big deal."  Now that the cat's out of the bag, so to speak, hopefully this guy can just get on with living his life without worrying that his "secret" will get out.

Edited Friday at 04:43 PM by maninsoma

[+ Charlie]

8 hours ago, PhileasFogg said:

…in Tennessee, in a group chat to a large group sent by his female boss’s estranged husband.  He’s a bi bottom and this revelation would shock most everyone who knows him (it did me when we had our mutual coming out to one another)

What would you advise him to do?   He can’t unring the bell, but does he have a cause for action against the estranged husband?  Any experiences from someone who’s confronted this would be especially helpful. 

There is so much context that is not clear here: how did the female boss know he is gay? exactly what did she tell her estranged husband, and why? what did he say in the group text, and why? who are the people in the group text? how will their "knowledge" of his sexual orientation affect him? If this is all just casual supposition and gossip, then there is probably no basis for formal "action" against the husband, unless one of the parties involved has accused him of some sort of crime unsupported by evidence. The best he can do is privately remonstrate with his boss for whatever she told her estranged husband, and ask for an apology.

This situation is a good example of why I was open about my sexual orientation with my family and friends, and even employers when it was safe to do so, so I would not be accused of lying to them or hiding an important part of my identity from them.

[wsc]

As to legal liability or recourse, truth is a complete defense. If you've stolen and I identify you as a thief, I have not defamed you, I have described you. If you are gay -even covertly so- and someone tells others -even though it's no business of the someone or the others- it's the truth, and I don't think the law allows a person to be arrested or prosecuted or sued for spreading a truth, even if the intent was to harm or embarrass; truth stands on its own.

On the upside for the involuntarily outed friend -and despite his hurt and/or embarrassment- the truth will set you free. He now no longer needs be afraid of that truth.

Edited Saturday at 01:13 PM by wsc
spelling fix

[Lotus-eater]

Defamation is not a viable case if the statement is true, but a tort claim might be: public disclosure of private facts or intentional infliction of emotional distress. But the cost to litigate it would probably exceed any damages awarded unless he could prove, say, he was denied a promotion or job because of the disclosure.

Edited Saturday at 04:31 AM by Lotus-eater

[+ PhileasFogg]

8 hours ago, wsc said:

the truth will set you free. He now no longer needs be afraid of that truth.

That’s exactly what I told him and he is seeing it constructively like that.

Interesting twist   He used to work for me years ago   Neither one of us knew or crossed a line   I was a mentor/big brother figure and everyone knew we got along  After we came out to one another a few months ago, he visited so we could consummate our coming out   Through social media, our roughly 100 common friends saw our posts in New Orleans   Now, I guess I’ve been outed too - no biggie…I don’t advertise and I don’t hide…but it’s interesting the ripples that come out of this guy’s actions and how interconnected social media has made us   

 

[TonyDown]

Would a judge question why the boss already knew he is a bottom, that he was already "out"?

Since there is nothing wrong with being gay or bi, has the estranged husband painted more of a negative picture of himself, and perhaps his ex, than the bottom?

IMO, if the bottom feels shame,  then just work through it.  

[ShortCutie7]

On 5/9/2026 at 6:40 AM, PhileasFogg said:

That’s exactly what I told him and he is seeing it constructively like that.

Interesting twist   He used to work for me years ago   Neither one of us knew or crossed a line   I was a mentor/big brother figure and everyone knew we got along  After we came out to one another a few months ago, he visited so we could consummate our coming out   Through social media, our roughly 100 common friends saw our posts in New Orleans   Now, I guess I’ve been outed too - no biggie…I don’t advertise and I don’t hide…but it’s interesting the ripples that come out of this guy’s actions and how interconnected social media has made us   

 

I met a friend from out of town and his (male) fiancée in a gay bar a couple months ago… I untagged myself from the Facebook pics so people wouldn’t think about it at all.