An unrealistic expectation?

[Bokomaru]

When I communicate with providers I try to be specific, direct, and to not dripfeed my needs or limits as a client. So I say some version of:

“I like this and that (I’m quite specific),

I dislike these things (again, with specifics),
I’m open to much more depending on your own wants. 

What works for you and what would make it a fun session that you could get into? It’s very important to me that you are enjoying our time, or I will not be able to get into it.”

The typical response back is, “Sounds great! Let’s meet.” That is, I get zero feedback on which activities will be of most interest to the provider, and zero insight into what he really likes.

I find this very annoying because I’m so clear that I actually need that information. Asking multiple times gets me nowhere.
 

Am I being unrealistic? How can I get a provider to understand that I want to please him as much as be pleased, so that he’ll make suggestions? 

[Medin]

I don't think that is unrealistic at all.  In fact, I would think that providers would prefer to have clear, direct communication as it benefits both sides.  That being said, I've found that many providers do not answer most of the questions I've asked.  (ie. I ask in which area they are hosting so I can determine drive time)  I tend to get some very vague replies which means I generally won't book them.   

[Simon Suraci]

For starters, providers should answer directly the basics like rates, location, travel, and hosting info. There is no reason to be coy or indirect about those. Bad on them if they won’t send basic info upfront. That’s a sign of an unprofessional or inexperienced provider.

As far as what the provider wants (compensation) or what will get him off, this question isn’t particularly fair to ask. He’s providing a service to YOU, not a service to himself. He may not be into doing a certain thing you want, or maybe he likes it generally but doesn’t enjoy it with you specifically. You don’t want to know this, and he doesn’t want to spoil anything by sharing that fact with you.

It matters not what theoretically will please him. It only matters what he is willing and able to do for you for a specified fee. If he’s good, he will make it seem as if he’s into it regardless of whether he actually is. That’s what you’re paying for. No amount of money will guarantee that he will genuinely be into anything with a certain client. He could make something up to make you feel like you’re scratching his itch, but at the end of the day it’s a coin toss at best whether he will actually genuinely enjoy a certain act with a certain person at a certain place at a certain time.

Since you’re paying for him to do what you’re into and meet YOUR needs, the question is irrelevant. You’re basically asking him to lie or make something up. Sure, he can generally be into a certain thing. If there’s genuine chemistry, all the better, but you can’t guarantee that chemistry occurs by specifying certain acts!

It’s ok to ask “can we do xyz?”. It’s annoying to ask a provider “What are you into?”. Save that for hookups. To successfully hook up, both sides have to genuinely be interested in one another and the activities they discuss. The currency there is reciprocity. Both parties genuinely want to engage. The reward is purely mutual satisfaction.

You’re trying to apply these same principles and logic from a hookup to a paid service. The incentive for your provider is compensation. Period. Not mutual satisfaction. If there happens to be some mutual satisfaction, it’s a bonus. At the end of the day, the provider is concerned with meeting YOUR needs and getting compensated appropriately for doing so. To pretend like he is doing this because he wants to on his own free time is an illusion.

The relationship is inherently one-sided. You can keep asking the “what are you into?” questions, but you’re asking him to bullshit you. I recommend focusing on your needs and not trying to manufacture imaginary reciprocal desires. His needs are compensation, plain and simple. If you can hold up your end of the agreement, the rest is irrelevant. Let him do his job by meeting your needs and making it seem as though he’s into it regardless. It’s your responsibility to engage the fantasy. Suspend your disbelief, as it were. He can’t do that for you. He can only put on a good show for your entertainment. That’s what you’re paying for.

[Jamie21]

4 hours ago, Bokomaru said:

Am I being unrealistic? How can I get a provider to understand that I want to please him as much as be pleased, so that he’ll make suggestions? 

I think you probably are. You won’t get him to respond to questions like that. He’s focused on your pleasure. Anyone doing this work with any degree of success will be able to give you the impression he’s also enjoying it, to the extent that you wouldn’t be able to tell whether that’s genuine or not. 

Also, one of the main reasons guys do this work is because being hired is a turn on in itself. Simply by you hiring him, and enjoying what he does for you is what gets him going. I know that’s the case for me, if a client is having a great time then that is exciting for me. The more my client is enjoying himself then the more I enjoy it. Clients ask ‘do you like x or y or whatever’ and the answer is ‘if it turns you on to do it then yes I like it’ (within reason of course!). 

So I think you’ll find it futile to ask what he likes, because you won’t get an answer. The best way to feel that he’s enjoying it is to relax and enjoy yourself. You’re the client after all. 
 

 

[KrisParr]

34 minutes ago, Simon Suraci said:

For starters, providers should answer directly the basics like rates, location, travel, and hosting info. There is no reason to be coy or indirect about those. Bad on them if they won’t send basic info upfront. That’s a sign of an unprofessional or inexperienced provider.

As far as what the provider wants (compensation) or what will get him off, this question isn’t particularly fair to ask. He’s providing a service to YOU, not a service to himself. He may not be into doing a certain thing you want, or maybe he likes it generally but doesn’t enjoy it with you specifically. You don’t want to know this, and he doesn’t want to spoil anything by sharing that fact with you.

It matters not what theoretically will please him. It only matters what he is willing and able to do for you for a specified fee. If he’s good, he will make it seem as if he’s into it regardless of whether he actually is. That’s what you’re paying for. No amount of money will guarantee that he will genuinely be into anything with a certain client. He could make something up to make you feel like you’re scratching his itch, but at the end of the day it’s a coin toss at best whether he will actually genuinely enjoy a certain act with a certain person at a certain place at a certain time.

Since you’re paying for him to do what you’re into and meet YOUR needs, the question is irrelevant. You’re basically asking him to lie or make something up. Sure, he can generally be into a certain thing. If there’s genuine chemistry, all the better, but you can’t guarantee that chemistry occurs by specifying certain acts!

It’s ok to ask “can we do xyz?”. It’s annoying to ask a provider “What are you into?”. Save that for hookups. To successfully hook up, both sides have to genuinely be interested in one another and the activities they discuss. The currency there is reciprocity. Both parties genuinely want to engage. The reward is purely mutual satisfaction.

You’re trying to apply these same principles and logic from a hookup to a paid service. The incentive for your provider is compensation. Period. Not mutual satisfaction. If there happens to be some mutual satisfaction, it’s a bonus. At the end of the day, the provider is concerned with meeting YOUR needs and getting compensated appropriately for doing so. To pretend like he is doing this because he wants to on his own free time is an illusion.

The relationship is inherently one-sided. You can keep asking the “what are you into?” questions, but you’re asking him to bullshit you. I recommend focusing on your needs and not trying to manufacture imaginary reciprocal desires. His needs are compensation, plain and simple. If you can hold up your end of the agreement, the rest is irrelevant. Let him do his job by meeting your needs and making it seem as though he’s into it regardless. It’s your responsibility to engage the fantasy. Suspend your disbelief, as it were. He can’t do that for you. He can only put on a good show for your entertainment. That’s what you’re paying for.

This is one of the BEST responses I’ve ever read - makes perfect sense.  Thanks for posting.

[Medin]

2 hours ago, Simon Suraci said:

For starters, providers should answer directly the basics like rates, location, travel, and hosting info. There is no reason to be coy or indirect about those. Bad on them if they won’t send basic info upfront. That’s a sign of an unprofessional or inexperienced provider.

As far as what the provider wants (compensation) or what will get him off, this question isn’t particularly fair to ask. He’s providing a service to YOU, not a service to himself. He may not be into doing a certain thing you want, or maybe he likes it generally but doesn’t enjoy it with you specifically. You don’t want to know this, and he doesn’t want to spoil anything by sharing that fact with you.

It matters not what theoretically will please him. It only matters what he is willing and able to do for you for a specified fee. If he’s good, he will make it seem as if he’s into it regardless of whether he actually is. That’s what you’re paying for. No amount of money will guarantee that he will genuinely be into anything with a certain client. He could make something up to make you feel like you’re scratching his itch, but at the end of the day it’s a coin toss at best whether he will actually genuinely enjoy a certain act with a certain person at a certain place at a certain time.

Since you’re paying for him to do what you’re into and meet YOUR needs, the question is irrelevant. You’re basically asking him to lie or make something up. Sure, he can generally be into a certain thing. If there’s genuine chemistry, all the better, but you can’t guarantee that chemistry occurs by specifying certain acts!

It’s ok to ask “can we do xyz?”. It’s annoying to ask a provider “What are you into?”. Save that for hookups. To successfully hook up, both sides have to genuinely be interested in one another and the activities they discuss. The currency there is reciprocity. Both parties genuinely want to engage. The reward is purely mutual satisfaction.

You’re trying to apply these same principles and logic from a hookup to a paid service. The incentive for your provider is compensation. Period. Not mutual satisfaction. If there happens to be some mutual satisfaction, it’s a bonus. At the end of the day, the provider is concerned with meeting YOUR needs and getting compensated appropriately for doing so. To pretend like he is doing this because he wants to on his own free time is an illusion.

The relationship is inherently one-sided. You can keep asking the “what are you into?” questions, but you’re asking him to bullshit you. I recommend focusing on your needs and not trying to manufacture imaginary reciprocal desires. His needs are compensation, plain and simple. If you can hold up your end of the agreement, the rest is irrelevant. Let him do his job by meeting your needs and making it seem as though he’s into it regardless. It’s your responsibility to engage the fantasy. Suspend your disbelief, as it were. He can’t do that for you. He can only put on a good show for your entertainment. That’s what you’re paying for.

Not sure I agree with this.  If the paying client gets off by knowing he is making the provider happy, he most definitely will need to ask the provider what he likes.  Good sex can be 90% between the ears and not necessarily between the legs.  In this case, it sounds like the client really wants to know how he can please the provider because that is what (mentally) gets him off.   I don't see it much differently than role play.   This IS what the client needs.   Yes, it may be an illusion but if the client wants the illusion that the provider is enjoying his time as well, I don't see anything wrong with that at all.  No need for the provider to bullshit anyone.  

[Bokomaru]

2 hours ago, Medin said:

In this case, it sounds like the client really wants to know how he can please the provider because that is what (mentally) gets him off.   I don't see it much differently than role play.   This IS what the client needs. 

@Medin that pretty much nails it, thank you.
 

 I need to take a different approach though. My attempts to communicate this haven’t worked. The responding providers are right, I definitely can’t say “what are you into?” (and I have not been that blunt about it). And it’s an uphill (impossible?) battle to get a provider to suggest things.
 

I’m wondering if I should perhaps try something like, “I get turned on when the person I’m with is a bit selfish and does what he wants, without asking.” Then I’m suggesting a style of interacting rather than asking them to name specific activities. I’m skeptical that this would work, it seems too vague, but I might give it a try. 

[blck37]

2 hours ago, Medin said:

Not sure I agree with this.  If the paying client gets off by knowing he is making the provider happy, he most definitely will need to ask the provider what he likes.  Good sex can be 90% between the ears and not necessarily between the legs.  In this case, it sounds like the client really wants to know how he can please the provider because that is what (mentally) gets him off.   I don't see it much differently than role play.   This IS what the client needs.   Yes, it may be an illusion but if the client wants the illusion that the provider is enjoying his time as well, I don't see anything wrong with that at all.  No need for the provider to bullshit anyone.  

At the risks of sounding harsh, money. Would be best if come without any obligation whatsoever. Just free money.

On a serious note tho, provider will need to bullshit (or at least be ready to fake it) so to give the illusion that they really enjoy the session. To give that sense of achievement to the client as if they managed to satisfy the provider's need.

Other note might worth considering, some acts might be too 'intimate'/ 'personal' which the provider reserves for non-paying hook-up. Something for his own real connection, things that are not for pay. 

Alternatively, specifically hire providers that are looking to be serviced by clients.There are some out there. 

[Simon Suraci]

@Bokomaru you might try suggestions. “Would you be into me doing X? Would you enjoy doing Y? Would you rather do A, or rather do B? Would you enjoy C?”

Suggestions make it easier for the provider to respond. I’m sure you have a range of interests that you could suggest and see which ones he prefers out of the choices you offer. That might get you closer to the things he likes, or finds easy or has the most skill or experience doing.

Giving a choice of a few things is better than the “What are you into?” question. When I get this question, I hear: “Name anything and everything under the sun that you could possibly be into with any given person at any given time in the past, present, or future”. It’s an exhausting question to answer.

We do all sorts of things with all sorts of people with varying levels of interest and skill in each one, based on the circumstances around a specific encounter. An open ended question assumes the provider has a canned answer that says X, Y, and Z turn me on, when in reality, the whole alphabet of possibilities and more could turn him on within any given set of circumstances, and with different clients.

Offer suggestions. Those are easier questions to answer.

[blck37]

5 hours ago, Jamie21 said:

I think you probably are. You won’t get him to respond to questions like that. He’s focused on your pleasure. Anyone doing this work with any degree of success will be able to give you the impression he’s also enjoying it, to the extent that you wouldn’t be able to tell whether that’s genuine or not. 

Also, one of the main reasons guys do this work is because being hired is a turn on in itself. Simply by you hiring him, and enjoying what he does for you is what gets him going. I know that’s the case for me, if a client is having a great time then that is exciting for me. The more my client is enjoying himself then the more I enjoy it. Clients ask ‘do you like x or y or whatever’ and the answer is ‘if it turns you on to do it then yes I like it’ (within reason of course!). 

So I think you’ll find it futile to ask what he likes, because you won’t get an answer. The best way to feel that he’s enjoying it is to relax and enjoy yourself. You’re the client after all. 
 

 

This is unfiltered truth

[Jason Dutch]

When a potential client asks me what I'm into I sometimes find it baffling haha... On the occasions that I've shared a few things that I'm genuinely into, I've either not gotten the booking, or we didn't do those things anyway. Escorts often have to be shape shifters and satisfy a range of desires both spoken and unspoken in each client. People often tell me they book me because they want to have fun their way.  I'm proud that I seem to hit a home run with most of my clients and push just the right buttons. That in and of itself gets me off - to be prized, to be materially valued, to be desired and told I'm sexy... I'm proud to know that I can get off all different kinds of guys, and that I can get into and enjoy many men and activities that I wouldn't necessarily seek in my private sex life — the situation in and of itself gets me off enough that I can be flexible about the specifics and surprise even myself at who/what I can pull off (or get off!). So in the case of OP, whatever you're into, I'm probably into given the dynamic already at play!

 

[Whippoorwill]

Or, as one of my boys tells me, he doesn't necessarily remember what interview conversation he had with whom. My interviewing a provider might be my most important conversation in days; to him, it's likely just one of very many interviews he has in a week with people he does not know and doesn't know if he will ever see. Even if you think you came to "agreements" in the interview, best to reiterate them at the actual appointment. He is, one way or another, performing for you. You have to tell him the script.