Older men with open relationships?

[dcman]

How many of you older men, say 60+, who have been with their partner or husband for a long time have open relationships?

[jjkrkwood]

How many of you older men, say 60+, who have been with their partner or husband for a long time have open relationships?

 

My partner has now passed, but we were together for over 22 years and had an "agreement", which worked perfectly well for us.... BUT that was when we were in our 30-40's as he is now gone 20 years....

[youngboldone]

My husband and I have been together 21 years. We have been open going on 4 years now.

[EastbayMike]

My husband and I have been together 26 years. Alway been open. Never been a problem. We still fulfill each other emotionally and physically.

[AshburyGuy]

Me: 60. Husband: 56. Together 21 years.

[+ MysticMenace]

this is quite inspirational - not necessarily speaking about the open relationship framework, per se, but just seeing the longevity and commitment that you guys have with your partners. I cannot wait to meet my future husband ?

[+ Reisr30]

this is quite inspirational - not necessarily speaking about the open relationship framework, per se, but just seeing the longevity and commitment that you guys have with your partners. I cannot wait to meet my future husband ?

Completely agree ?

[keefer]

My husband and I have been together 26 years - have had an open relationship from the start... I'm 60, he's 56; we met when I was in London on business.

 

There was a fascinating book written in the early '90s called: The Male Couple - How Relationships Develop (McWhirter and Mattison). They followed all types of couples (young/old, young with old, same age, been together 1, 5, 10, 50 years), living together, living apart -- and from it deduced the various phases that relationships go through over time as each partner both assert their independence and then pull back together. I haven't read it for a long time; but certainly can now look back at both learning and unlearning skills the longer we're together. (he wouldn't recognize the dishwasher or washing machine if I glued flashing lights to them)... I'm not allowed to cook anything since an experimental beef stew with a dozen star anise cloves went horribly wrong 20 years ago....

 

From the start we were open and honest, the only rules were to try to avoid the same person more than three times, to always communicate if one of us was not showing up for dinner, and regardless of how late one of us were out the agreement was waking up next to the other the next morning. In my experience the open relationship was never an issue (and, to be honest, it was nice to be able to control the TV remote control on those rare nights).

[EastbayMike]

To add to my post above, over the past 26 years, a close friend of ours has not been shy about telling us an open relationship would never work for him. In the time we've known him, he's lived with three different boyfriends in "monogamous" relationships. I put monogamous in quotes because never was there a time when my friend or his boyfriends were monogamous to each other. Instead there were jealousies, fights, insecurities, deceptions, and lies. None of his relationships ended well.

 

I'm not saying monogamy can never work, just that for two men it might be especially difficult.

Edited January 11, 2021 by EastbayMike

[EastbayMike]

My husband and I have been together 26 years - have had an open relationship from the start... I'm 60, he's 56; we met when I was in London on business.

 

There was a fascinating book written in the early '90s called: The Male Couple - How Relationships Develop (McWhirter and Mattison). They followed all types of couples (young/old, young with old, same age, been together 1, 5, 10, 50 years), living together, living apart -- and from it deduced the various phases that relationships go through over time as each partner both assert their independence and then pull back together. I haven't read it for a long time; but certainly can now look back at both learning and unlearning skills the longer we're together. (he wouldn't recognize the dishwasher or washing machine if I glued flashing lights to them)... I'm not allowed to cook anything since an experimental beef stew with a dozen star anise cloves went horribly wrong 20 years ago....

 

From the start we were open and honest, the only rules were to try to avoid the same person more than three times, to always communicate if one of us was not showing up for dinner, and regardless of how late one of us were out the agreement was waking up next to the other the next morning. In my experience the open relationship was never an issue (and, to be honest, it was nice to be able to control the TV remote control on those rare nights).

Congratulations to you both. You're very fortunate to have found each other.

[keefer]

Congratulations to you both. You're very fortunate to have found each other.

 

Thanks, I keep reminding him ?

And congratulations as well to the two of you - it's quite an achievement!

 

When I was single I thought long-term relationships extremely rare, but, since settling down I've found long stable relationships more the norm than exception (as we have quite a few friends who've been together over 20-years).

 

I've googled, but cannot find originator of my favorite quote... but the one attributed to Jack Benny is probably closest "... I've been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never...."

[Rudynate]

I'm 68, my husband is 69 - we've been together 29 years. We have an open relationship. Neither of us strays very often, but the freedom is there if we want it.

[Guest]

I'm mostly attracted to men in their 20s and 30s, so it would be difficult for me to imagine a monogamous relationship with someone my age (late 50s). What would make me uncomfortable would be if my partner were to see the same person repeatedly. I can't imagine feeling threatened by a one-time encounter, as long as there was no further contact after the encounter. I can be monogamous to someone who turns me on, though. As long as I have access to porn for days we don't do it.

[+ Lucky]

There's monogamy and there is fidelity. One works, the other doesn't.

[+ WilliamM]

I'm 68, my husband is 69 - we've been together 29 years. We have an open relationship. Neither of us strays very often, but the freedom is there if we want it.

 

Excellent, well thought out response

[jjkrkwood]

There's monogamy and there is fidelity. One works, the other doesn't.

 

There was never any doubt my partner and I were COMMITTED to each other, and the infidelities were agreed on at the on set of our relationship. I believe that if we didnt have this "arrangement", we never would have lasted for over 22 years together. Its not for everyone, you really have to be VERY VERY secure in your relationship, and without any jealous streaks.... Everyone is not built that way.

[Bargara Leatherboy]

There was never any doubt my partner and I were COMMITTED to each other, and the infidelities were agreed on at the on set of our relationship. I believe that if we didnt have this "arrangement", we never would have lasted for over 22 years together. Its not for everyone, you really have to be VERY VERY secure in your relationship, and without any jealous streaks.... Everyone is not built that way.

 

Having been togetheir for almost 28 years, one rule does not work for everyone.

 

So work it out for yourselves!!!

 

But in my lifetime of experience watching other couples, the ones who work as open relationships are very secure in their relationship, and any outside play does not impact.

 

Some couples have rules, only when travelling, or never with the same guy twice, its your relationship - if its worth having it is worth having the discusssion.

[BFM73]

What a great conversation and advice. This really does give me hope for my relationship. I think this could be the secret to a successful relationship especially where there is an age difference or a difference in sex drive.

[Tommygunzz]

My husband and I have been together for 40 years. We met in 1980 and have lived together ever since. I have strayed a couple of times, usually with an escort, but I have no reason to believe he has ever done the same. Very happy. I am 66 and he just turned 65.

[+ Charlie]

My spouse and I have been together for 52 years. We agreed after the first few weeks together that, given our natures, an open relationship was the only kind that would work. There were a few crises, when a sexual relationship with someone else threatened to become too serious, so we realized that "one and done" was the only sensible way to go. Now that we are old, neither one of us has had sex with anyone else in years.

[Guest]

I've only had one real relationship which lasted nearly 12 years and we opened it up after a couple of years considering he had only just come out months before we met. I felt bad he didn't get the experiences I had before I met him, and well I was horny too and we worked opposite schedules so I only saw him on the weekend. But what started us down the path was when I decided to checkout a website a friend told me about, manhunt. It was for giggles at the time but I quickly ran across my bf's profile and then chatted with a guy who admitted they hooked up recently. I was honest with my partner but it stung pretty bad. The Killers had just released Mr. Brightside and I remember driving down the street in tears because of the whole theme and lyrics. Fast forward a few years and we had plenty of threeways together which was a lot of fun and the whole time our main rules were to use protection and don't fall in love. He broke the fall in love rule. One night after I got back from a business trip he sat me down at our favorite local dive bar and broke the news to me that he was worried about us and he thinks he's falling in love with this guy he met on A4A a few months prior. They had been having a secret affair and it had gotten to the point where he was having strong feelings for him.

 

So there's your big risk in an open relationship. I thought we had a pretty strong bond and while we had our fights they were minor and we had so many amazing moments together. Would I have another open relationship? Yes but I don't ever plan on having another so it's a moot point.

 

Best part of the story, the kid he threw everything away for was cheating on him the whole time and broke up with him after three months.

[keefer]

For those who have responded with lengthy open relationships; I'm now wondering if there is a common thread within our common experiences which made both long-term and open relationships work ?

 

In my case - the relationship started as a tourist-visiting London one-night stand; evolved into email and long distance phone calls where we both opened up to each other about life changing events in our private lives - he was someone I could say anything to, and vice-versa. We honestly could not have been more different: introvert vs. extrovert, vanilla vs. leather/rubber, American vs. disliked Americans... we both believe if we had lived in the same city it would have stopped at one night... but for the open/honest communication before our relationship began... and now 26 years later... still introvert/extrovert, vanilla/so not vanilla, etc... but it works... in our case, communication, the first relationship where I really talked openly and honestly...

 

in retrospect, what do you think has enabled your relationships to last so long ?

[Guest]

...our main rules were to use protection and don't fall in love. He broke the fall in love rule ...

 

Best part of the story, the kid he threw everything away for was cheating on him the whole time and broke up with him after three months.

 

For those who have responded with lengthy open relationships; I'm now wondering if there is a common thread within our common experiences which made both long-term and open relationships work ?

...

in retrospect, what do you think has enabled your relationships to last so long ?

I'm sorry that happened to you, @Woofiecmh . For future reference, I prefer the policy @Charlie espoused: "one and done." When a person becomes repeatedly intimate with another, feelings can simply develop, and I think it's tough to expect someone to "just not fall in love." What has kept my LTR's together includes love, respect, and devotion. I definitely become very devoted to my men, as long as they don't lie to me. I may be starting a new relationship soon, with a man I'll call "Diego" because he's from San Diego. We've agreed on monogamy for now. He seems like a very warm, caring man, and we seem to have good chemistry. We've met a few times, including once when I flew him from San Diego to Oakland. I wouldn't view his having a one-time encounter with someone else as threatening, or demonstrating any lack of devotion. I would view repeat hook-ups very differently.

[marylander1940]

My spouse and I have been together for 52 years. We agreed after the first few weeks together that, given our natures, an open relationship was the only kind that would work. There were a few crises, when a sexual relationship with someone else threatened to become too serious, so we realized that "one and done" was the only sensible way to go. Now that we are old, neither one of us has had sex with anyone else in years.

 

I had a relationship that was open in the late 70's but as HIV appeared it became close and later open again.

 

I know couples who are together because they share a mortgage and it's easier to be alone.

[Sensualsmooth]

Did any of you in a long term relationship ever have a third? A three some ?