Ghosted By A Provider, Now What?

[+ MattOSUGRAD]

Curious on your thoughts on a recent situation.

 

A provider and I were exchanging texts over several days in the last week. Over those days, I had initiated some conversations with an update on a dinner reservation at the restaurant of their recommendation and once I had secured a room at a very nice hotel. He had initiated some conversations as well, so got good vibes leading up to the meetup. Several comments from him about liking that I got reservations and a hotel, shows I’m serious.

 

On the day of, I let him know 3 hours ahead that I’ve checked in to the hotel and that I’ll relax then start to get ready for the evening. No response.

 

I text him as I’m leaving for the restaurant, which is 15 minutes away from me. No response.

 

I wait to be seated and send a text 20 minutes after we were supposed to meet letting him know I got a table and where to find me in the restaurant. No response.

 

It has been a little over 2 hours later, and still no text. I sent him a text saying that I am sorry tonight did not work out and that I understand things happen and plans need to change. I say, sincerely, that the most important thing is that I hope you’re ok.

 

Have you had this happen to you? Would you see him again? Looking for input from clients as well as providers. What are red flags that may incline you to ghost someone? I didn’t think I did anything wrong or too much. It seemed like we were having a pleasant exchange, but now I’m left wondering what others have experienced.

[EastbayMike]

Move on.

[Guy Fawkes]

Next!

[Otto]

 

Have you had this happen to you? .

 

No.

 

Prior to this, have you ever seen this provider?

[+ nycman]

Please tell us who this loser is, so that the rest of us don’t spend a night alone in a restaurant waiting for him.

 

What an ass....and not in a good way.

[Guy Fawkes]

@nycman Please don't encourage others to break the "No Reviews" rules.

 

Please tell us who this loser is, so that the rest of us don’t spend a night alone in a restaurant waiting for him.

 

What an ass....and not in a good way.

[+ nycman]

@nycman Please don't encourage others to break the "No Reviews" rules.

Sorry.

 

Please send Daddy a review.....so that the rest of us don’t spend a night alone in a restaurant waiting for him.

 

Better?....grin

[marylander1940]

Curious on your thoughts on a recent situation.

 

A provider and I were exchanging texts over several days in the last week. Over those days, I had initiated some conversations with an update on a dinner reservation at the restaurant of their recommendation and once I had secured a room at a very nice hotel. He had initiated some conversations as well, so got good vibes leading up to the meetup. Several comments from him about liking that I got reservations and a hotel, shows I’m serious.

 

On the day of, I let him know 3 hours ahead that I’ve checked in to the hotel and that I’ll relax then start to get ready for the evening. No response.

 

I text him as I’m leaving for the restaurant, which is 15 minutes away from me. No response.

 

I wait to be seated and send a text 20 minutes after we were supposed to meet letting him know I got a table and where to find me in the restaurant. No response.

 

It has been a little over 2 hours later, and still no text. I sent him a text saying that I am sorry tonight did not work out and that I understand things happen and plans need to change. I say, sincerely, that the most important thing is that I hope you’re ok.

 

Have you had this happen to you? Would you see him again? Looking for input from clients as well as providers. What are red flags that may incline you to ghost someone? I didn’t think I did anything wrong or too much. It seemed like we were having a pleasant exchange, but now I’m left wondering what others have experienced.

 

First of all, thank you for posting you seem to be an honest guy!

 

Move on. You gave him way to many chances already.

 

no way for us to point any red flags but some providers unfortunately act like this constantly because their perceived abundance of clients, their own priorities, PNP lifestyle or just because they CAN get away with it. Certainly plenty of fish out there!

 

As pointed by others you must review him!

 

I hate to say coulda woulda shoulda but why did you book a fancy hotel and restaurant to meet someone for the first time?

 

Why not just going to his place or have him come to yours?

 

Does he live in your own town?

 

Do you have a limited number of providers and therefore you still want to meet him because he's one of your few choices?

 

Take a look at this thread, you're not alone hoping someone who constantly behaves like that will change just for you. Ryan Rose didn't show up to 3 consecutive meetings with a frequent poster.

 

Here's an example of a doormat mentality by some that encourages others to act like that.

 

Ryan Rose ? is escorting again... | M4M Message Forum (m4m-forum.org)

Edited January 4, 2021 by marylander1940

[Gymowner]

i see this sort of behavior happen over and over with this generation. we actually discussed this in another thread about this issue.

 

i had a very similar situation happen to me with an escort a few years ago. i was seeing him regularly for about 6 months at that time. so not a newbie. i found out his birthday was coming up so i made dinner reservations as a birthday present. he 100% agreed to the dinner at one of our sessions and he was really happy to go. day before, i text him the time and the address of the restaurant. no reply. day of, again no answer. so as a back up, i asked a friend of mine if he wanted to go to dinner that evening (no one puts baby in the corner!). he agreed so off we went. i didnt text the escort again and 2 days later he text me as if nothing happened. i asked him what the hell happened. he said "oh sorry i totally forgot." what.... with two texts reminding him? the next time i saw him i flat out cornered him about this and he agreed that he was lying about forgetting but never could give me a legitimate reason for the ghosting. i told him point blank that i would never ask nor involve him outside of coming over to my place again. and i never did.

 

funny thing was, he was actually a lot of fun to be with once he was over at my place. hence why i continued seeing him. but from that point forward i just made sure i didnt put myself in a situation that would become a bad experience or aggravation to me. if he cancelled at the last minute (that happened a lot) and i was at home watching t.v... no biggie. after enough times of cancels though (i finally had enough when he cancelled 4 times in a row and HE initiated each and every appointment) i told him i would be looking for a new regular and you guessed it.. he told me that he could read between the lines and I was making a big deal over nothing (gas lighting anyone?). like what....my time is worthless and only he mattered? so that was that. remember guys... there will always be someone younger, buffer, hotter, hornier and flat out needing the money more than the one before him. and you can take that to the bank!

 

i think it goes right back to what i have said and have learned from my mistakes... this is a business dealing. be friendly... yes. try to be friends with an escort...forgeddaboutit! you are not getting involved with your best friend from high school. once one goes outside of these boundaries then it can and usually does get weird. even something as simple as a dinner!

Edited January 4, 2021 by Gymowner

[CuriousByNature]

Curious on your thoughts on a recent situation.

 

A provider and I were exchanging texts over several days in the last week. Over those days, I had initiated some conversations with an update on a dinner reservation at the restaurant of their recommendation and once I had secured a room at a very nice hotel. He had initiated some conversations as well, so got good vibes leading up to the meetup. Several comments from him about liking that I got reservations and a hotel, shows I’m serious.

 

On the day of, I let him know 3 hours ahead that I’ve checked in to the hotel and that I’ll relax then start to get ready for the evening. No response.

 

I text him as I’m leaving for the restaurant, which is 15 minutes away from me. No response.

 

I wait to be seated and send a text 20 minutes after we were supposed to meet letting him know I got a table and where to find me in the restaurant. No response.

 

It has been a little over 2 hours later, and still no text. I sent him a text saying that I am sorry tonight did not work out and that I understand things happen and plans need to change. I say, sincerely, that the most important thing is that I hope you’re ok.

 

Have you had this happen to you? Would you see him again? Looking for input from clients as well as providers. What are red flags that may incline you to ghost someone? I didn’t think I did anything wrong or too much. It seemed like we were having a pleasant exchange, but now I’m left wondering what others have experienced.

If you do hear back from him at some point, please update the post so we know he is okay. I think it's kind of you to be concerned about his wellbeing.

[+ keroscenefire]

It's happened to me several times as well even with well-reviewed escorts. It still sucks though and it hurts to feel like you're being rejected somehow. I've had the same thing happen to me even with having dinner reservations and everything.

 

So sorry but it's actually not uncommon...move on and hopefully find another guy who is better at respecting your time.

[+ MattOSUGRAD]

First of all, thank you for posting you seem to be an honest guy!

 

Move on. You gave him way to many chances already.

 

no way for us to point any red flags but some providers unfortunately act like this constantly because their perceived abundance of clients, their own priorities, PNP lifestyle or just because they CAN get away with it. Certainly plenty of fish out there!

 

As pointed by others you must review him!

 

I hate to say coulda woulda shoulda but why did you book a fancy hotel and restaurant to meet someone for the first time?

 

Why not just going to his place or have him come to yours?

 

Does he live in your own town?

 

Do you have a limited number of providers and therefore you still want to meet him because he's one of your few choices?

 

Take a look at this thread, you're not alone hoping someone who constantly behaves like that will change just for you. Ryan Rose didn't show up to 3 consecutive meetings with a frequent poster.

 

Here's an example of a doormat mentality by some that encourages others to act like that.

 

Ryan Rose ? is escorting again... | M4M Message Forum (m4m-forum.org)

 

Lots of really great questions!

 

I wanted to meet for dinner as I’m a rather shy person and don’t meet a lot of people (providers or otherwise), and I previously avoided someone I didn’t feel comfortable with by meeting for dinner first.

 

With this guy, I was especially attracted to him and decided I’d go ahead and book three hours with the intent of dinner and hotel afterwards. He seemed completely fine with it and even said he looked forward to it as recently as yesterday. The reason I chose a hotel is I felt like I would be more comfortable on neutral ground. Suffice it to say, will probably just do dinner first from now on so I can get a feel for the provider.

 

There are maybe 8 providers in the city where I live. I am looking for a regular provider and tend to avoid the ones that are passing through.

 

As requested in another post, I will provide an update if I do hear from him. I know this is exceptionally cliche, but I felt like we had made a connection over the texts back and forth, and I am genuinely concerned about him. In the end, it will be whatever it will be. He will either reach out at some point and explain what really happened, or “really happened”, or I’ll never hear from him again.

 

I appreciate all of the responses, as that’s all I was needing ... perspectives to help me pull back from the situation and look at things differently.

[marylander1940]

Lots of really great questions!

 

I wanted to meet for dinner as I’m a rather shy person and don’t meet a lot of people (providers or otherwise), and I previously avoided someone I didn’t feel comfortable with by meeting for dinner first.

 

With this guy, I was especially attracted to him and decided I’d go ahead and book three hours with the intent of dinner and hotel afterwards. He seemed completely fine with it and even said he looked forward to it as recently as yesterday. The reason I chose a hotel is I felt like I would be more comfortable on neutral ground. Suffice it to say, will probably just do dinner first from now on so I can get a feel for the provider.

 

There are maybe 8 providers in the city where I live. I am looking for a regular provider and tend to avoid the ones that are passing through.

 

As requested in another post, I will provide an update if I do hear from him. I know this is exceptionally cliche, but I felt like we had made a connection over the texts back and forth, and I am genuinely concerned about him. In the end, it will be whatever it will be. He will either reach out at some point and explain what really happened, or “really happened”, or I’ll never hear from him again.

 

I appreciate all of the responses, as that’s all I was needing ... perspectives to help me pull back from the situation and look at things differently.

 

Great answers!

 

would you like to tell us where do you live? Maybe we could help you.

 

Wait to see if he replies and what he says. If there's only 8 guys in your city how could he be such a fool and missed the chance of seeing a local for 3 hours? Damn! SMH!

[+ MattOSUGRAD]

Great answers!

 

would you like to tell us where do you live? Maybe we could help you.

 

Wait to see if he replies and what he says. If there's only 8 guys in your city how could he be such a fool and missed the chance of seeing a local for 3 hours? Damn! SMH!

 

I live in Columbus, OH. While there are currently 22 profiles for Columbus, I’m pretty sure over half are not locals that are just using their current location as their home location. I try to check out the site often so I can spot those that are truly residents vs visitors. Plus there have been a lot lately that’ve dropped advertising or left Columbus.

 

I even told him I was looking to become a regular to which he said, “I prefer repeat clients”.

[+ MattOSUGRAD]

Have you all had luck with other sites besides rent.men? I’ve seen some posts to avoid certain other sites, I just don’t recall what they were, so I’ve kept pretty much to rent.men.

[+ keroscenefire]

 

 

As requested in another post, I will provide an update if I do hear from him. I know this is exceptionally cliche, but I felt like we had made a connection over the texts back and forth, and I am genuinely concerned about him. In the end, it will be whatever it will be. He will either reach out at some point and explain what really happened, or “really happened”, or I’ll never hear from him again.

 

I appreciate all of the responses, as that’s all I was needing ... perspectives to help me pull back from the situation and look at things differently.

Sometimes health/family things do come up last minute. It would be nice if they gave you a heads up but that might not always be their priority. One guy I contacted threw his back out at the gym and had to get treated at the hospital...ended up reaching out the next day but by then I had found another provider. Hopefully it's nothing serious and probably really was just a "ghosting" situation. But good luck either way finding a regular provider in your area.

[Lazarus]

It’s possible that the guy(s) aren’t totally comfortable being seen out with another probably much older man because they are concerned what others may think. Especially if they identify as “straight”. I would not automatically assume that just because I am seeing someone in the privacy of my own home or a hotel room that they want to go out on the town with me. Perhaps it’s best to arrange to meet privately for the first meeting to avoid being stood up at a restaurant.

[maninsoma]

It’s possible that the guy(s) aren’t totally comfortable being seen out with another probably much older man because they are concerned what others may think. Especially if they identify as “straight”. I would not automatically assume that just because I am seeing someone in the privacy of my own home or a hotel room that they want to go out on the town with me. Perhaps it’s best to arrange to meet privately for the first meeting to avoid being stood up at a restaurant.

 

Perhaps. But doesn't an escort have a voice to express that prior to accepting a booking? If an escort isn't comfortable with what a prospective client wants, isn't it his prerogative to simply say "no" to the booking? And if an escort says "yes" but then later realizes he doesn't actually like the terms of the agreement, wouldn't it just be better for him to call the prospective client back to say so rather than just ghosting him?

Edited January 4, 2021 by maninsoma

[maninsoma]

I've never booked a hotel for an escort, and I've only ever gone out to dinner with an escort whom I already knew or, on couple of occasions, with guys after an appointment where we really hit it off. So I have never been in the exact same situation, but I have had escorts confirm appointments, sometimes with quite a lot of communication back-and-forth, and then have them not show up and never communicate with me again. Given that none of them ever reached out the next day (or whenever) with an apology and explanation, I have never had the occasion of having to debate whether to give someone a second chance. I certainly wouldn't reach out to someone who previously ghosted me as it seems too masochistic.

 

Speaking of masochism, I had a roommate for one year in college who would deliberately set up dates with guys and then either not be there or hide in his room and ask us to tell the guys when they showed up that he wasn't there. I told him that I wasn't going to lie for him so he better actually be gone if he expected me to say that. Even though I knew his m.o., when I ran into him years later we agreed to meet up for dinner the next night to catch up. You guessed right -- he didn't show up. I actually think that he got off on knowing that he annoyed/disappointed other people by failing to show up for whatever plans he had made with them.

 

No matter which way I slice it, unless an actual emergency caused someone to flake on me without any notice then I am left to believe that the guy is just a jerk or has a drug problem that has seriously hindered their ability to function normally. I don't want to have anything to do with either type of person.

[Gymowner]

lazarus... i get where you are coming from and yes there is a sting to those words. maninsoma said it best. the escort then should not agree to the dinner date or doing something out in the public if he is to feel insecure in front of a bunch of total strangers being side by side with an older man.

 

in my case above i feel the escort really wanted to go. there are factors outside of our understanding on a day to day basis that can prevent follow through of intentions. girlfriends not discussed, boyfriends not discussed, another offer from a client for more money etc and many times the escort trying to be a "good guy" and not hurt ones feelings actually does just the opposite by not communicating. i didnt stop seeing my regular from this situation. i stopped when the constant cancelling became a factor. in fact, the escort was the one suggesting the get togethers in the first place then cancelling them!

[Otto]

lazarus... i get where you are coming from and yes there is a sting to those words. maninsoma said it best. the escort then should not agree to the dinner date or doing something out in the public if he is to feel insecure in front of a bunch of total strangers being side by side with an older man.

 

You could always do room service.

[rvwnsd]

...Looking for input from clients as well as providers. What are red flags that may incline you to ghost someone? I didn’t think I did anything wrong or too much. It seemed like we were having a pleasant exchange, but now I’m left wondering what others have experienced.

 

Based on the information you provided us, I don't see anything indicating you are at fault here. The guy should not have flaked on you.

 

I don't ghost people. When they continue contacting me after I've asked them to stop or after I have stated I will call them when I am interested, I will stop replying. To me, that's not really "ghosting."

 

That said, a few suggestions for the future:

 

A provider and I were exchanging texts over several days in the last week.

...He had initiated some conversations as well, so got good vibes leading up to the meetup. Several comments from him about liking that I got reservations and a hotel, shows I’m serious.

 

Suggestion: Know when to hit the "pause" button: This is hard when you want to get to know an escort, but limit the pre-appointment texts, emails, and/or phone calls to the minimum number required to determine compatibility and book an appointment. It is perfectly acceptable to say "We can talk about that when we meet on [insert day and time here] and I'll text to confirm the day of our date" and leave it at that. Even when the escort initiates communication, you can politely acknowledge it and hit that pause button.

 

... Over those days, I had initiated some conversations with an update on a dinner reservation at the restaurant of their recommendation and once I had secured a room at a very nice hotel.

Suggestion: Avoid investing too much in a first-time meeting: It is understandable that you'd want to avoid having a stranger in your home, so a hotel room can make sense. While it doesn't need to be a No-Tell Motel, a Hilton Garden Inn; Courtyard by Marriott; or Comfort Inn is perfectly suitable for the occasion. Also, dinner and drinks is a bit much for someone you have never met before. If you want to meet before going to your/his place, meet for coffee.

 

...On the day of, I let him know 3 hours ahead that I’ve checked in to the hotel and that I’ll relax then start to get ready for the evening. No response.

 

I text him as I’m leaving for the restaurant, which is 15 minutes away from me. No response.

 

I wait to be seated and send a text 20 minutes after we were supposed to meet letting him know I got a table and where to find me in the restaurant. No response....

At this point, it is all on him. He should have communicated with you, making this:

...It has been a little over 2 hours later, and still no text. I sent him a text saying that I am sorry tonight did not work out and that I understand things happen and plans need to change. I say, sincerely, that the most important thing is that I hope you’re ok...

completely unnecessary.

 

However, his not replying to the first communication is a red flag. At this point, one follow-up an hour later would be appropriate. If he didn't reply to that communication I'd cancel dinner because it was apparent the date was not happening. In my opinion, you were free to try making plans with someone else.

 

...Have you had this happen to you?...

Not to this extreme, no. I did have an escort fail to show up to a playdate at my home and text me later to say he woke up with a stuffy head, went back to sleep, and woke up at 6:00 PM after having slept all day. He was typically very prompt, so this was plausible.

 

...Would you see him again?...

Without communication initiated by him explaining why he neither communicated with you nor showed up, absolutely not. Even with communication, the excuse had better be very damned good for me to overlook this behavior. It doesn't have to be "I died, was resurrected three days later, and just now could make a phone call" but it has to be pretty close.

 

Two last suggestions:

1. Don't book a multi-hour session for a first meeting. You don't know whether you will want to spend that much time with him until you meet. One thing I've done is ask whether we could book an hour with the ability to extend should we both decide we wish to continue the festivities. Only two guys declined. One accused me of trying to negotiate a discount and the other was leaving for an out of town trip later in the day I wanted to meet. I did not go through with the first appointment and scheduled for another day with the second.
   
2. Don't get ahead of yourself. You don't need to tell him you want to be a regular before you even meet him. While I don't think this is a reason to ghost you, it could be a bit much for an escort to hear prior to meeting. It can also put you in an awkward position if you don't click with him.
   

[+ harey]

This happens occasionally but sorry you had that experience. I sometimes book a hotel for a meeting which allows for a Plan B if the first escort cancels. In your situation, I would not have gone to the restaurant without confirmation. When the meeting time passed, I would have either found another provider or had a fun evening by myself.

[Gymowner]

And just think. You can take the money not spent on a flake hooker and pamper yourself at the spa and their ultimate treatment!

[jawjateck]

Simple logic, my forum friends.....

 

grindr = ?????

rentmen = grindr

rentmen = ?????

 

where ????? = "who knows?"