What should I do next?

[+ Charlie]

Yesterday I had an unusual experience that still has me thinking. At my tennis club I was paired with an elderly gentleman, with whom I played a very enjoyable match--he was friendly, considerate, an excellent sport. At the end he said that he would like to play again sometime soon, and gave me his card. Only then did I learn his last name and realize that he is a former congressman, an ultra right wing extremist who wrote a book about how homosexuality is destroying America, who introduced legislation to mandate quarantine of persons with AIDS, who tried to denying funding for the Smithsonian's exhibition on evolution, etc. None of these topics were raised during the match, though he did talk about the fact that his current wife is a faith healer, whose name I recognized.

 

A friend of mine at the club tells me that he played with the congressman once, also not knowing who he was, and they got into such a fight about religion that he told the manager never to put him on the same court with the man again. I am tempted to tell the manager the same thing, because I play for pleasure, not to argue about the inerrancy of scripture or whether I am going to hell for sucking cock, and the more often we play, the more likely these issues will eventually come up. However, I will probably run into this man again at the club, and he may very well ask me to play tennis with him. What would you suggest I say to him if he does?

[Guest HonkingGoose]

Play tennis; don't discuss religion.

[Louis]

You go to the club to get excercise....not talk about religion, and other issues.

Just think...here is a very conservative guy, and he has asked you to play more games with him...so be nice to him, have some great games...at some point in time he may ask you to meet him for a coffee etc...go for it... then down the road he may bring up his religous convictions, and you can still be very polite with him when you mention that you are gay....but there is no need to argue (it takes two or more people to argue)...that won't resolve differences of opinion... ....besides he will not change his mind, nor will you change yours. But if the two of you were to become friends, maybe there will at least be a bit of understanding between the both of you.

You may find that he is a nicer person than you thought... and he may find you are a nicer person than he thought.

[+ Axiom2001]

Well, honey, if you "play for pleasure," then play and not give any thought to this guy's politics or religous bent! I think you are giving this unnecessary concern unless he invites you to lunch or to dinner and then begin to vent his acute right wing rhetoric, his religious ideology, and his noncompassion for those who are in need of love, help, and compassion!

 

If he invites you to a meal or to a party, I would thank him and state that I had another event on my calendar to fulfill. If he were to persist, then I would politely be candid with him and walk away!

[Lookin]

What a good question! Of course, it’s one only you can answer, but I think it’s wonderful that you are looking for others’ opinions. I don’t know much about you, other than you’re willing to consider having some further interaction with someone whose views are probably anathema to you, and yours to him. That’s not a step that everyone would take, but I would, so I’ll share my thoughts.

 

I think the worst that could happen is that he will start some kind of offensive rant that makes you uncomfortable, and may lead to a serious case of the willies. If you have the self-esteem to withstand it, and the forbearance to keep your hands to yourself, which I expect you do, then I think you’re prepared for the worst. If you’re not prepared for the worst, you can politely let him know he’s just “too gosh-darn energetic” for you.

 

The best that could happen is that you are able to let him know that there’s a standup guy named Charlie, who’s a good tennis player, a respectful winner, a gracious loser, and a generous partner, who happens to hold some very different views from his. You may even be able to get him to shift an opinion or two. I think that’s probably a long shot, but it’s also a long shot that you were paired with this guy in the first place.

 

I myself would not be able to resist the opportunity to score one for the good guys.

 

Best of luck in whatever you decide! I do hope we'll hear more.

[Epigonos]

Lot's of good advise so far. I would simply say nothing until the subjects of religion or politics arise and then I would say something like "You know Bill I come here to play tennis not discuss religion or politics so please let's just play tennis". If he insists just smile and say nothing unless he is totally stupid he will get the message.

[+ Tom Isern]

Charlie,

 

It seems that one of the reasons you were able to play against this guy and enjoy yourself was that you did not know who he was. It also seems from your tone that you might not have enjoyed yourself so much if you had known his identity. I think you've answered your own question, to some degree.

 

I don't agree with the other respondents on this list who say keep your opinions private. One of the reasons members of the far right feel so free to spew their hatred is that they believe it is still okay to hate homosexuals and to proclaim that "morally virtuous" position in public spaces. Homophobia is naturalized in our culture, which is why it seems to some that challenging it in public is crossing a line, creating an offense, making something that should remain private into a fuss. Nothing will change as long as good people like you surrender to them. What do you have to lose?

 

Keeping silent and regarding sexual orientation as a private thing is playing right into their hands. It allows them to claim ownership of all public spaces and relegates anyone different to the silent and abject margin. He may not have raised any political topic with you in this particular space, but he did speak about his wife. Your own self-esteem should tell you that if he can talk about his wife, you can talk about your fuckbuddies or the escorts you hire. Fair is fair. And when he gets offended, tell him to go fuck himself—with a barbed-wire dildo. Then deck the bastard.

[Guest carter07]

I concur with Tom on this -- except maybe for decking the guy. You didn't know who he is and he didn't know you are gay. So if and when he does or says something that is offensive, demeaning or patronizing to you as a human being, say so -- in simple but polite English. Then ask him if he would have continued to invite you to play tennis with him knowing you were gay -- and ask him to explain what difference it would make. Of course, your own feelings are now affected by knowing who he is -- which gives you the advantage of taking the higher ground and making the point to an alleged right-wing fanatic your sexual orientation is irrelevant to a game of tennis.

[+ Lucky]

"he didn't know you are gay"

 

You haven't seen Charlie's serve!

 

(Please note the smiley!)

[D.A.C.]

Fair is fair.

> And when he gets offended, tell him to go fuck himself—with a

>barbed-wire dildo. Then deck the bastard.

>

 

Tom Isern,as usual,is the only one that doesn't sound like an uncle brucie.

[+ purplekow]

This man is a public person and that gives you access to certain of the ideas he has put in print and expressed as a congressman. As you are a private citizen, he has no idea of your positions on this and seemingly felt that the tennis was sufficiently competitive to warrant another match. You have nothing to lose by going and nothing to gain by decking him, as was elsewhere suggested. If politics or

religion or sexuality comes up during a conversation, I would offer my opinion and if that becomes uncomfortable you have lost nothing.

I have friends with whom I play cards, golf and see for other social occasions of whom I know nothing of their political life and see no reason to know.

Play tennis with him if you want a game.

Talk politics if you want a confrontation.

Be true to yourself and your beliefs.

You can hate the haters as Tom suggests or you can hate the haters' ideas and play tennis with him at the same time. Just be sure to beat him.

[fedssocr1]

if you have the stomach for playing with him I vote for keep on playing. Just make sure you win and then let him know that he got beat by a big ol' fag. I take it he has a rather stereotyped view of gays? Although I suspect that some one who was in Congress he probably has a fairly broad life experience and that much of his public persona is a bit of an act. But if he starts bringing up political subjects I would say try your best not to shy away. You don't necessarily need to make it a big scene.

 

Maybe you could do something subtle like a rainbow wristband or a pride t-shirt of some sort.

[Guest PWIT]

I concur with the majority. Continue to play as long as you are enjoying his company from across the court and it doesn't compromise you in any way. If ever politics or religion comes up, let him know you are familiar with his work and disagree. If you feel you two can discuss in a civil manner and it is something you would like to do, then do so. If not, you could state you enjoy the time on the court and would prefer to avoid the political/religious discussions.

 

Hope it works out for you.

[dannyboynyc]

I totally agree with Tom. (And, thank you, Tom, for being the first to present the contrary point of view.) Staying closeted doesn't help any of us. I would not go as far as decking him, but, don't hide your sexuality. Who knows - he may be enough of a neanderthal that he's never met an out and proud gay man. (He's probably just met other "men who have sex with men" in restrooms and parking lots.) At a minimum, you're supporting your own self esteem. You may actually open his eyes.

[Damascene]

I agree with Tom to a point.

 

If you can beat him, beat him and then tell him. Sometimes punctuation makes the sentence.

[Guest zipperzone]

>I totally agree with Tom. (And, thank you, Tom, for being

>the first to present the contrary point of view.) Staying

>closeted doesn't help any of us. I would not go as far as

>decking him, but, don't hide your sexuality. Who knows - he

>may be enough of a neanderthal that he's never met an out and

>proud gay man.

 

There's also the possibility that he's a closet case and eventually will try to suck your cock. The fun you could have outing him would be boundless.

 

The fact that he is a former congressman who just happened to show himself as a hypocrite would justify the outing IMHO

[+ Charlie]

Thanks to all who offered input (except Lucky, of course, whom I could whip on the tennis court with one hand behind my back). I agree with aspects of both lines of argument, which is why I asked for advice on what to say.

 

I have never hidden the fact that I am gay, because I have always believed that if I am comfortable with my own identity, reasonable other people will be comfortable with me. Although I didn't mention my sexual orientation (I don't introduce myself with, "Hi, I'm gay. What are you?"), during our conversation he learned that I was an eastern urban academic, with many stereotypically gay/liberal interests, and this didn't faze him. I find it interesting that this man chooses to play tennis in Palm Springs, one of the gayest towns in America, at a club with many openly gay members, despite the other options in more conservative towns in the area. He is apparently not uncomfortable around gay men, despite his publicly expressed condemnation of them in the past. Like me, he seems thoroughly comfortable and unthreatened in his own skin.

 

If he had made denigrating comments to me about gays or non-believers, I would have quickly set him straight, as it were, but he did not. Since he appeared to simply want a good game of tennis, I didn't feel that I should start lecturing him on his political stands after I realized who he was. My concern was about how to handle the future. Should I offer vague excuses not to play, to avoid the possibility of an encounter in which ugly things might be said on both sides? Should I tell him outright that I don't wish to associate with him, even across a tennis net, because I think he is an outrageous bigot? Should I play with him again, but firmly cut short any discussion of sex and religion if it arises?

 

A part of me would love to beat him soundly, then ask, "How does it feel to lose to a queer?" But I think that would be unfair, because I have an unsportsmanlike advantage of knowing more about him than he does about me. Instead of chastening him, it would probably confirm his belief that gay men can be sneaky, vindictive bitches. My inclination now is to play with him again if he asks, but if the sensitive topics come up, to tell him that I am a gay atheist and I know what he has said in the past about both categories of people, so if he wants to keep playing, he had better just change the subject, since neither of us is likely to change his mind.

[+ deej]

I sense just a little hesitation on your part, and rightly so. It's not IF the discussion will start but WHEN. Sort of the opposite of anticipation: dread.

 

If you are comfortable with low levels of dread hovering over your leisure time activities, go for it. But be aware that you are NOT required to do so. You ARE allowed to just say no.

 

Personally, I would opt out. I just wouldn't want every game of tennis to seem like Russian Roulette. But that's just me. I'd just tell him "there's an inevitable and ugly conversation between us that I'd rather not have" and wish him the best of luck finding a tennis partner who is more neanderthal like-minded.

 

As long as you keep your composure, you'll come out a winner no matter what happens.

[+ Charlie]

Good point.

[+ Lucky]

"(except Lucky, of course, whom I could whip on the tennis court with one hand behind my back)."

 

Bondage, bondage. Is that all you can think about? But I'll bet I could beat you if BOTH hands were tied behind your back!

[D.A.C.]

Why in the hell would anybody want to spend any-time around B-1 bob.

[Lookin]

I don’t think I said this very well in my earlier post, so I’m going to take another run at it. Again, it’s just my opinion, but I would look at this as an opportunity to change a mind, with very little downside, since you are comfortable with who you are, and since you have excellent social skills and communicate extremely well.

 

The big unknown here, in my opinion, is whether or not this guy is at all open to new ideas. It’s very easy to assume that he is close minded, and will never change even one of his viewpoints until the day he dies. And I expect there’s better than a 90% chance that this is true. But what if there’s a 10% chance that, before he dies, he can play tennis with an openly gay man who is proud of who he is, and how he conducts his life, and who is not hell-bent on destroying America? What if you help him learn something that he has not yet been able to learn? I’ll say again that there’s probably less than a 10% chance that it could happen that way. But what’s wrong with taking a 10% chance, as long as you won’t be devastated if nothing comes of it?

 

If you can handle the worst, that he lashes out at you, then why not have a go? You don’t have to bring it up, you don’t have to say anything more than you’re comfortable saying, and you don’t have to physically assault him. If he lapses into a hateful tirade, which he probably won’t, you could merely let him know that one of your goals in life is to help undo the damage that he personally has done to others. And then let him alone to think about it - or not.

 

As I wrote before, this is something I’d go for in a New York minute. I’d consider it a sign that the fates put me on this guy’s court, and that at least one of us may end up learning something. But I fully realize and respect that your idea of a good time may be very different from mine. I just wanted to make sure I expressed my thoughts as well as I could. Thanks for reading through.

[+ Charlie]

I appreciate your optimism, even though I don't share it. This is a very self-assured man, nearly 80, who is not likely to be talked into a different opinion by someone else, no matter how articulate. I think he is the type--amazingly commonplace in this world--who can get along with and even like individuals, while still firmly believing demeaning generalizations about a social/ethnic/religious group to which they belong.

[Luv2play]

I usually agree with Tom Isern on gay issues that are political but in this case, although your tennis partner is a former politician, he has not injected that part of his personality into your shared tennis activities. It is not always easy to find a tennis partner that plays at your level so I would play with him again if the opportunity arose although perhaps I would not be the one to initiate the get-together.

 

Having been a tennis player myself in the distant past and even having been a member of a tennis club where everyone seemed to be straight (but that was decades ago), I know that a certain social interaction often arises off the tennis court. This is where you may be confronted with his homophobic views at some point. I think you have already addressed how you would handle that and I fully agree with you.

[Lookin]

You're probably right - about him, and about me.

 

Yet hope springs eternal, and every once in a while I get lucky! ;-)