removed from social circle when a man hater joins

[Smurof]

My and a few girl friends of mine enjoy very occasionally socializing and going out in the evening. We go to bars with live music, trivia pub nights, community bingo fundraisers, etc. Two of us are bisexual, and two of us are lesbian. We've been doing this for a couple of years.

 

The last time we went out, one of the girls brought along a new friend, who seemed nice but also wasn't comfortable with my gender from the vibe I was getting. Turns out she actually hates all men, according to her lesbian friend who I was least sociable with out of the three. I saw that the four of them without me went for a fun night out to see a play I would have gone to had I been invited.

 

Does it make since the group has moved on from me solely because I'm a man? The self-conscious over-thinking takes over (did my shirt smell, is my laugh embarrassing, was my height disadvantage too much to bear since all three were tall by comparison?).

[Kenny]

Does it make since the group has moved on from me solely because I'm a man?

Yes, it does. But their decision (if that is what it is; hard to say from just one example) is not about you. It is about them.

[rvwnsd]

Hmmmm...It does seem like the addition of a self-described man-hater to your social group is the reason why you were not invited to see the play. As much as I'd like to say I would not engage in self-conscious over-thinking about how my actions could have contributed to me being excluded from the play, that would be a huge load of bullshit. I'd feel the same way. However, your friends should have included you and given the man-hater the opportunity to, um, woman-up and accept you or stay home.

 

When the sting of being left out has abated, you might want to talk to one of the people in the group.

 

It sucks to be in this situation. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Hang in there.

 

PS: It is gratifying to see that you feel comfortable discussing this topic with your fellow Forum members. That's what friends are for.

 

Virtual hugs.

[KeepItReal]

Does it make since the group has moved on from me solely because I'm a man? The self-conscious over-thinking takes over (did my shirt smell, is my laugh embarrassing, was my height disadvantage too much to bear since all three were tall by comparison?).

Sadly, your take on this is probably correct. Agree with @rvwnsd ,if you feel the relationships you have with the original 3 girlfriends is worth saving, wait for the sting to subside then take action. His approach is subtle, mine would be little more direct. I would invite the original 3 out for a night and see if they ask the newcomer to join... I would actually confront the newcomer directly at that point; as I said: I tend to be a "rip off the band-aid" kinda person.

 

And don't blame yourself or put this on your own shoulders - you were not the assh*le in this fairy tale...

 

[SirBillybob]

The core group's value system and balance between inclusive versus exclusive has been challenged by an exclusionary-leaning addition. You say you maintain the inclusive mindset. DO NOT castigate or otherwise throw shade on the new addition in front of any in the group. DO NOT attempt to use any one single member as a conduit for communicating your concerns because any unpredictable splitting of alliances best occurs with you remaining squeaky-clean. These two prescriptions are easy and is the only work assigned to you.

 

System homeostatis (tendency towards the established values-based status quo ) will realign towards inclusion if it was a genuine authentic guiding principle. The heavy lifting falls on the three originals other than you.

 

If another dynamic occurs such as one of the core group aiming to fuck the newcomer that has male-exclusion philosophy as the admission voucher for sex, you are potentially a coitus blocker. That is a more complex variable influencing how things will play out.

[+ poolboy48220]

I find it strange they'd invite someone they themselves described as a "man-hater" out with a man.

 

Years ago one of our book club members invited a new person, which we've always welcomed. This new person dominated the conversation, lectured people, continually brought up her qualifications as a former teacher. After the meeting, the friend who'd invited her moaned that "She did that in the last book club we were both in, I'm so sorry". I didn't understand why she'd invited her in the first place.

[+ sync]

It's not always easy to make a fair judgement call in such situations. One female man-hater that I met gained my understanding when I learned that during her childhood she was repeatedly raped by her father. It was a major faux pas on the part of your friends to not have briefed you about this woman's "issue."

[rvwnsd]

Sadly, your take on this is probably correct. Agree with @rvwnsd ,if you feel the relationships you have with the original 3 girlfriends is worth saving, wait for the sting to subside then take action. His approach is subtle, mine would be little more direct. ...

 

Oh, no - my approach is not subtle at all. I'm advocating asking one or more of the group why they did not invite @Smurof to the play. It really does not get more direct than that.

[Smurof]

I find it strange they'd invite someone they themselves described as a "man-hater" out with a man.

 

Years ago one of our book club members invited a new person, which we've always welcomed. This new person dominated the conversation, lectured people, continually brought up her qualifications as a former teacher. After the meeting, the friend who'd invited her moaned that "She did that in the last book club we were both in, I'm so sorry". I didn't understand why she'd invited her in the first place.

The answer to your example is simple : Over time, she hoped her friend had become a better person, only to be sorely mistaken. It's almost certain the same mistake won't happen a 3rd time. SHE won't be welcome to book discussion groups anymore!

[+ SundayZip]

Hey Smurof, I'd first make sure that the girl's night out that excluded you was not a one-time fluke. Maybe the self-described man-hater organized the outing and simply did not invite you. She may or may not have explicitly stated that she didn't want you there. The next time you want to go out, include your original three friends. You can even tell your long time friend that's she's welcome to invite her new man-hater friend (don't make your long time friend choose between you and her new friend). Just because this person says she hates men, it doesn't mean you have to hate her. This is her problem. Don't let her make it yours.

[Smurof]

Thanks all for the advice. I DID invite my friends to see a touring cover band, but nobody was interested. I'm presuming I suggested doing something too soon after they already went out together, considering we only go out about 5 times a year or so, and rarely close together in time. My closest friend in the bunch (the other bisexual) did ask me if I would ever consider gender re-assignment surgery, and she was serious! I am super feminine with my gestures, voice tone, and barf-inducing gossip, but I love having a penis and balls and have no intention of ever changing sexes. I simply need to change circles of friends.

[rvwnsd]

Thanks all for the advice. I DID invite my friends to see a touring cover band, but nobody was interested. I'm presuming I suggested doing something too soon after they already went out together, considering we only go out about 5 times a year or so, and rarely close together in time. My closest friend in the bunch (the other bisexual) did ask me if I would ever consider gender re-assignment surgery, and she was serious! I am super feminine with my gestures, voice tone, and barf-inducing gossip, but I love having a penis and balls and have no intention of ever changing sexes. I simply need to change circles of friends.

W. T. F.?

 

I literally can’t even literally can’t even imagine how the topic of gender reassignment surgery could come up in conversation unless you presented as a woman and stated you are transgender. EVEN THEN I literally can’t even imagine saying that, but that is just one “literally can’t even” not two.

 

W. T. F. ?

[rvwnsd]

Thanks all for the advice. I DID invite my friends to see a touring cover band, but nobody was interested. I'm presuming I suggested doing something too soon after they already went out together, considering we only go out about 5 times a year or so, and rarely close together in time. My closest friend in the bunch (the other bisexual) did ask me if I would ever consider gender re-assignment surgery, and she was serious! I am super feminine with my gestures, voice tone, and barf-inducing gossip, but I love having a penis and balls and have no intention of ever changing sexes. I simply need to change circles of friends.

 

W. T. F.?

 

I literally can’t even literally can’t even imagine how the topic of gender reassignment surgery could come up in conversation unless you presented as a woman and stated you are transgender. EVEN THEN I literally can’t even imagine saying that, but that is just one “literally can’t even” not two.

 

W. T. F. ?

 

I almost suggested asking HER that question but it is obvious that she has some balls on her already. Maybe you could ask her when she plans to have the “top”surgery.

[+ FreshFluff]

I almost suggested asking HER that question but it is obvious that she has some balls on her already. Maybe you could ask her when she plans to have the “top”surgery.

 

Yes, her question is just bizarre.

[+ nycman]

Get new friends.

Edited October 31, 2018 by nycman