Do you find it hard telling people you are gay if you are masculine or "straight acting"?

[caramelsub]

I feel like gay men who are masculine or presumed to be straight have it worse, than the stereotypical effeminate gay man, when it comes to coming out of the closet, or telling people that they are gay when/if asked. In some ways it's easier for the straight acting gay man, because he can pretend not to be gay in certain situations, but if he reveals he's gay more people would be shocked or surprised. Versus the effeminate gay man, whom people can already tell that he's gay, from his mannerisms, voice, dress, etc.

 

Thoughts anyone?

[Kippy]

With this question you have just set yourself up to be sliced to ribbons by the forum "thought elite". Straight acting is a social diatribe for some...

 

Kipp

[caramelsub]

Sorry in advance...I don't mean to offend anyone. I use the term loosely, that's why I put it in quotation marks.

[rvwnsd]

A few thoughts:

 

I feel like gay men who are masculine or presumed to be straight have it worse, than the stereotypical effeminate gay man, when it comes to coming out of the closet, or telling people that they are gay when/if asked. ...

People are typically too polite to ask, the exception being when getting to know a potential playmate or romantic partner where the information is relevant to the relationship.

...In some ways it's easier for the straight acting gay man, because he can pretend not to be gay in certain situations......

 

I don’t believe in the concept of “[fill in the blank] acting.” When some one is simply themselves there is no acting required. I don’t know what you mean by pretend not to be gay. Aside from the gender to which they are attracted, gay and straight men pretty much do the same spectrum of activities.

 

...but if he reveals he's gay more people would be shocked or surprised..

 

When I first came out I experienced one of the two following reactions:

 

1) Oh, that’s nice. Thank you for sharing. How do you feel about this?

2) Really? Wouldn’t have guessed.

 

It wasn’t hard for me, it was simply a matter of me being out to myself and being ready to share this with others.

 

Versus the effeminate gay man, whom people can already tell that he's gay.....

 

I think you mean “...who people think or perceive are gay.” The only one who knows is the individual himself. Others presume or assume or, once someone comes out to them, take the new-found knowledge at face value.

 

To answer your original question, there is no universal answer. It truly depends on the individual.

[caramelsub]

A few thoughts:

 

 

People are typically too polite to ask, the exception being when getting to know a potential playmate or romantic partner where the information is relevant to the relationship.

 

 

I don’t believe in the concept of “[fill in the blank] acting.” When some one is simply themselves there is no acting required. I don’t know what you mean by pretend not to be gay. Aside from the gender to which they are attracted, gay and straight men pretty much do the same spectrum of activities.

 

 

 

When I first came out I experienced one of the two following reactions:

 

1) Oh, that’s nice. Thank you for sharing. How do you feel about this?

2) Really? Wouldn’t have guessed.

 

It wasn’t hard for me, it was simply a matter of me being out to myself and being ready to share this with others.

 

 

 

I think you mean “...who people think or perceive are gay.” The only one who knows is the individual himself. Others presume or assume or, once someone comes out to them, take the new-found knowledge at face value.

 

To answer your original question, there is no universal answer. It truly depends on the individual.

 

Excellent analysis. Someone recently asked me if I was gay and I had only met the person for 10 minutes. It was kind of shocking actually for me. Because I was at work, and I didn't really know the person, just shooting the breeze.

[Deadlift1]

What if it isn't acting? and just one of 100's of shades of gay.

[+ Avalon]

I feel I can be more comfortable around gay people. Be more myself.

[rvwnsd]

Excellent analysis. Someone recently asked me if I was gay and I had only met the person for 10 minutes. It was kind of shocking actually for me. Because I was at work, and I didn't really know the person, just shooting the breeze.

Really? That’s pretty ballsy, not to mention rude.

[Rudynate]

I feel like gay men who are masculine or presumed to be straight have it worse, than the stereotypical effeminate gay man, when it comes to coming out of the closet, or telling people that they are gay when/if asked. In some ways it's easier for the straight acting gay man, because he can pretend not to be gay in certain situations, but if he reveals he's gay more people would be shocked or surprised. Versus the effeminate gay man, whom people can already tell that he's gay, from his mannerisms, voice, dress, etc.

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

 

Telling people that you're gay is kind of last century. Being out makes it unnecessary. Those long conversations about being gay and straight folks saying they wish they understood it better, etc etc. just don't happen anymore.

[EastbayMike]

Are you are masculine or "straight acting" because you find it hard telling people you are gay?

[gallahadesquire]

I was told by a very well known escort, “I would never have thought you were gay.”

[Stormy]

I am "straight acting and appearing" and I have no problem telling people I am gay. I'm proud of being part of the gay community

[Guy Fawkes]

Such a polite, affirming, way to say absolutely nothing at all. Your can now consider yourself a pretty pink sliced ribbon.

 

With this question you have just set yourself up to be sliced to ribbons by the forum "thought elite". Straight acting is a social diatribe for some...

 

Kipp

[rvwnsd]

Telling people that you're gay is kind of last century....

Over the seven years I facilitated the men's coming out group in San Diego (2009 - 2016) I found that many men still experience anxiety about telling family and friends that they are gay. Most of the guys were struggling with accepting the notion themselves, let alone discussing their orientation with others. Almost 100% of the men wanted to have the conversation with their family and close to 90% of them eventually did.

 

...Being out makes it unnecessary...

Typically, one needs to come out to someone (including themselves) before they can "be out."

 

...Those long conversations about being gay and straight folks saying they wish they understood it better, etc etc. just don't happen anymore.

 

The conversations still happen all the time. While the reactions have changed over time, the conversations still tend to be awkward, even when they go well, which they typically do. Interestingly, many of our members had more anxiety over the meaning of the "good" reactions (such as "They didn't ask me any questions. They didn't seem to be interested") than they did about having the conversations. Even more interesting is that we would hear that sentiment from men in all age groups. We had members ranging in age from eighteen to eighty-seven and damned if each week someone would be worried because their family member or friend felt it was no big deal. Of course, as a facilitator none of us (we had three) could say "get over your bad self, sweetie."

 

By the way, the eighty-seven year old ended up coming out to his kids and grandkids and found himself a boyfriend at the Fellowship of Older Gays.

[+ Reisr30]

By the way, the eighty-seven year old ended up coming out to his kids and grandkids and found himself a boyfriend at the Fellowship of Older Gays.

 

Wow that’s awesome and gives me some hope. I’m in my 40’s and had given up on finding a boyfriend...

[+ oldNbusted]

No.

 

Once time I had started a new job on a team with other mostly new people, including the boss. Soon after, I was talking with him in the office after hours and he said something that made me realize he thought I was straight. I was delighted to pull out the "how dare you assume I'm heterosexual" line and he laughed and said you are so straight. He was genuinely surprised when I said no. I found later from his wife that he thought I was straight and pretty much everyone else was gay. He was half right.

[marylander1940]

With this question you have just set yourself up to be sliced to ribbons by the forum "thought elite". Straight acting is a social diatribe for some...

 

Kipp

 

As a conservative can you pass for straight?

[Walker1]

Telling people that you're gay is kind of last century. Being out makes it unnecessary. Those long conversations about being gay and straight folks saying they wish they understood it better, etc etc. just don't happen anymore.

Yup-in the middle of nowhere, where I live-no one seems to care that I am gay and that I have kids through scientific means. They do gossip, but after a few moment off to the next juiciest gossip about who is cheating on who or who lost his money or whose son is a bum living off them or whose son is a drug addict etc.

 

I think the younger generation, it may be different-for us ti took so much effort and courage to come out. I do feel sorry for the folks in some countries where they still kill gays-now that is scary.

[+ José Soplanucas]

How easy or hard your coming out experience is does not depend on one single variable. Or on two, or on three, but on many.

 

In my personal experience, I do not know whether being masculine made my process harder or easier. What I do know is that I immensely enjoyed that moment of confusion and incredulity most times I came out to different people. In a few occasions I even had a very hard time convincing them I was not joking, as I am known for not being serious quite often.

I never thought about it, right now my first reaction is to think that being masculine made it easier for me, because that confusion was a symptom of their stereotypes crumbling down, and their brains and hearts getting ready to unlearn bull shit. But I do not know.

[LaffingBear]

With this question you have just set yourself up to be sliced to ribbons by the forum "thought elite". Straight acting is a social diatribe for some...

 

Kipp

Not sure about "sliced to ribbons" but I'd expect reactions here as well. I certainly don't think I'm a thought-elite.... but I am terminology-obsessed and stereotype-sensitive.

 

My reactions are about learned interpretations of words or behaviors.

 

If we stop and think outside the box, what is "masculine"? I've stood in bars and watched muscled, deep-voiced, leathermen walk in and share baked goods and gush over recipes. I've been at "bear" events where the demin & workboots crowd throw their hands in the air and shriek when It's Raining Men is played by the DJ. The toughest action I've ever witnessed was a very nondescript guy I knew in SF who occassionally wore women's clothes when he went miles in the AIDS walk in stilleto heels... all of these men would typically be labeled masculine.

 

The word to focus on in "straight-acting" should be acting. I'll take genuine over acting any day.

 

We choose to interpret and assign value to terms like masculine. We toss around words like masculine or effeminate in the gay community, reinforcing attitudes that one is prefered over the other. For me, a genuine, soft-spoken man who has chosen a career as a hair dresser is more masculine than the closeted NFL player letting fear rule his life.

 

I'd guess that some would sigh, perhaps point out that there are dictionary definitions for masculine or effeminate. But those too are 20th century thoughts. We celebrate girls who want to play football or repair cars.. Cheer the boldness of young boys who want to wear dresses to school. Defend the rights of those seeking gender reassignment. Masculine and feminine are not absolutes. I'd like to think we're moving towards a day where others are less likely to project a presumed sexual orientation on someone due to artificial terms like masculine and effeminate.

Edited October 27, 2018 by LaffingBear

[rvwnsd]

Wow that’s awesome and gives me some hope. I’m in my 40’s and had given up on finding a boyfriend...

Well, you might have to wait 40 years, but it will be worth it.

[+ Pensant]

I was told by a very well known escort, “I would never have thought you were gay.”

I get that ALL the time. I’m surprised that some people I know assume I’m straight. A few weeks ago I was having a deep conversation with a cute younger guy talking about gay gossip, etc. The young, straight bartender, whom I know well, didn’t even pick up on it. When I told him that I wanted to ask “D” out, he looked shocked. Hilarious.

[+ E.T.Bass]

My brothers swear they never guessed I was gay. I just give them an "oh please", and recommendation watching a few home movies.

I just watched Alone in the Game which included closeted masculine gay men.

Also read about the gay NFL athlete that committed suicide in prison.

Being masculine does not make the closet easy.

I don't see the purpose comparing the experience to gay effeminate men. Do we need to rank our respective suffering?

[+ HornyRetiree]

JUST BE!!! We are all different individuals and need not be stereotyping ourselves or others.

 

I surprised some and not others - the ones I didn't surprise had good GayDar and were themselves Gay:)

 

My straight friends were shocked. One female friend of over 20 years said: "From the point on, EVERY Man is Gay until he proves he is not" !!!!!

[+ HornyRetiree]

Well, you might have to wait 40 years, but it will be worth it.

 

Met my Husband when I was 49, a couple months from 50, and he was 39. At 39, he was the oldest man I had had sex with:)