Reluctant Daddy

Agreed. The whole thing is a paid fantasy anyway. Like going to the theater. People act like it’s a “real” relationship. People will reply “but it IS real because it’s two people!” Yes but in the end it’s a “real” pretend relationship. Nothing truly real is going on if you have to pay them to do it.

Part of it is a paid fantasy, but not at all like the theater. At the end of a play, I don’t sit down over a meal with the cast members and trade stories about our lives. I don’t curl up with them on the couch and watch a bad scary movie and laugh over it. Beyond that pretend part of him being into me, there’s a certain amount of bonding that happens. It’s human nature to try to connect on a certain level.

I’ve never liked the term BFE, and see my hiring more as a FB relationship. I never once believed that he was the BF I’d never have. I don’t care for PDA’s, and there’s no illusion that he’s ever going to fall for me. I’m twice his age, not a looker, and not rich enough to be a catch.

The soul crushing, humbling part for me is the realization that he apparently sees me less as a person and more of an ATM that sucks dick. And that stings just a little.

It's over. It happens. Don't feel stressed about clearing the air with him. You are totally OK if you choose to have no further contact with him. Later, if he asks "what's up? where'd you go?", then you can either ignore him or tell him his shortcomings, but when the hurt is fresh, it's tough to know what's right.

 

Some guys are "coach"able. Some guys are a mess. In this hobby, it pays to discern the difference.

This was a soul crushing, humbling and rather expensive lesson to learn

I’m not sure I could get past the “I mean look at you, and look at me“ comment.

I don’t think it was meant to be an insult, but at the time it felt like a thousand paper cuts splashed with lemon juice.

I think you should probably separate the playtime behavior and the "out in public" behavior.

 

If you hired him to bottom and he can't or won't get ready, then he isn't performing the service you hired him for. I would either talk to him about it or simply stop calling him.

 

I believe the "out in public" behavior is much more complicated. I'm very fond of an extremely attractive young man who is less than half my age. We go out a lot. He has never said a word because he's much too sweet, but I make a point of never putting him in a situation where we might run into his friends. Discretion is important to him and there really is no way to explain me. (I can't be passed off as an older relative because I'm not Latin.)

 

We stick to places where an eyebrow might be raised or someone might wonder about an obviously intimate dinner, but the judgment is more likely to fall upon me.

 

Only you can decide whether it's worth trying to talk it out or just move on. I know I like my "kid" a lot. I would sure try talking it out with him before moving on.

I think he made an effort to get ready to bottom, but indicated that he was having trouble. After seeing that he was able to pull it off for other clients for much shorter sessions it just made me wonder why he couldn’t manage it for me.

The age dynamic never seemed to be an issue during previous meetings, so I’m not quite sure what was different this time. We were in neutral territory so I don’t think running into his friends would have been an issue.

Don’t get me wrong, I did have some fun with him. Overall, the session felt strange and not at at like prior sessions, and I don’t know what that was about. I had intended to hire him over this past holiday weekend (I had booked my flight and hotel, thankfully smart enough to go with refundable/credit towards on each), but I just couldn’t go through with it.

I think you've suggested in previous posts that you feel you aren't good at asserting your feelings and saying what you're thinking.....

That’s a problem I’m having. I’m not sure I can muster the courage to say anything. I really suck when it comes to situations like this.

I recently had an extended session with a semi regular that was a bit bizarre, to say the least. It started off fine, but over the course of the session, it didn’t seem to go well. He initially agreed to go to dinner with friends of mine, but when the time came, he begged off saying that they would know something was up (“I mean look at you, and look at me”). He bolted after every meal, leaving me at the restaurant and wondering if he was coming back. When we went out, he seemed to walk ahead or behind me, like he didn’t want to be seen with me. When playtime came, he wasn’t able to “clean up” (though subsequent posts and reviews, he didn’t seem to have any issues with this for his other sessions). I usually enjoy my time with him, but this time left me reeling. Should I discuss this with him, or should I just walk away and say it’s over?

This particular guy seems to have his own persona, and I think would (or may be) doing well on his own. Not sure why he’s with Sparks, aside from the ease of travel aspect. He has quite a number of 4 star reviews.

He’s back in upstate NY this upcoming weekend, and I’m really interested in hiring one of the guys on his tour. Is it really that sketchy?

Havent yet gotten to downsize these. In fact, I just had a kitchen re-do, and they were a major part of the design. They go all around the kitchen on 3 tiers of glass shelves.

Just curious what’s in your collection. I got hooked on these years ago. Smallish collection of my own.

I also have a huge collection of Vintage figural cookie jars

Piqued my interest. Do you ship?

I’m a mature gay male who is healthy, HWP and gifted in the penis department. However, in the gay world, my age group is often treated with disrespect, so I don’t date and am pretty lonely. I’m totally in the closet because of my job. I’m considering contacting an escort, but am afraid I would be so intimidated by his attractiveness. I would make us both very uncomfortable. Am I just being stupid to worry about how an escort would feel being with me? From what I’ve read in this forum, some of these escorts are unbelievably nice and respectful.

I’m a mature gay male, who was not HWP, a face only a mother could love, and most certainly not gifted in the penis department. Two years ago I made the leap and hired an escort. He was much younger than me, and incredibly beautiful (yes, I know, WTF was I thinking?). He was also incredibly kind, sweet and understanding. And while I felt like the most disgusting thing on earth, he made me feel otherwise when I was with him. You’re not being stupid at all. Look for someone who seems genuine, has multiple positive reviews both on Rentmen and Daddy’s, and take the plunge.

Well, you certainly are at least a good judge of your own character/abilities, because your self-professed lack of good judgement in others is a huge red flag. But lets think that through: these guys on SA probably are gonna be stronger, younger, bigger than you. They are needing money, sometimes despartely so. There are a lot of Crazies out there, and some of them are criminal. Those types are the ones who will do anything to save themselves from whatever predicament they are in. Maybe you should stick with well-vetted escorts who you can better trust? There are just too many scenarios from mild/inconvenient to catastrophic/lethal that you could be a victim to. Or at the very least consider some very robust strategies for personal safety. For example, tell a trusted friend what you are doing and who you are doing it with. And seriously consider letting the guys you meet know this. That will give any SA jerk pause to think who wishes to harm you if things don't go his way.

 

To be sure, all of us need to be careful and leery of Danger but some of us are better judges of character than others. I was born and raised in a rough part of town. My Red Flag Indicator is well-honed. I have been known to spot thiefs, liars, and manipulators from afar. Even knowing that, I know I am at some risk, but your self-assessent is alarming.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Josh

Perhaps to my detriment, I have a tendency to think others are somewhat honest and sincere (I was born and raised on the other side of town). It’s led to some disappointment, but so far never any dangerous situations. I guess it makes me an easy target for the thieves, liars and manipulators.

Vetted escorts rarely make it to my neck of the woods. I usually have to travel and hire for weekends for that. It’s an expensive transaction, and can be hit and miss. Again, it’s led to some disappointment, but never any dangerous situations.

Use your common sense. Meet him first in a public setting, for some coffee and conversation. We are not talking about hiring for one hour, we are talking about a long term arrangement, with multiple hours meetings involved. You should make sure there is good chemistry. If you are not confident, go slow. Your safety is paramount.

 

Said that, you are not going to get much from a 7 days trial in SA. In my experience it takes a long time to comb away the bad weed, but there are very worthy guys in there. Check the series in my blog, you may find some useful tips there.

 

http://ilikepinga.com/2017/06/30/seeking-sickening-arrangement/

http://ilikepinga.com/2017/07/11/finding-arrangements/

http://ilikepinga.com/2017/07/21/finding-arrangement-2/

http://ilikepinga.com/2017/07/31/finding-arrangements-3/

I’m a bit limited in choices since I’m only looking locally for an arrangement. Of the few replies I received from locals, his seemed to be the most promising. My big concern is how he buckled so easily in the services he was willing to provide. When I proposed deep kissing, I received a “I’m not into kissing guys” response. A week later I got an “I thought it over, and kissing is cool” response. The rationale behind the sudden reverse was that he tried it and really liked it. Most definitely a meet and greet over coffee before any arrangement is agreed on. Maybe it will work, maybe not.

I signed up for an intro 7 day trial and was pretty disappointed. Mostly guys looking to help them travel to the US from abroad with little to nothing in return. I have corresponded with a local college student. A 21 year old bi bodybuilder looking for help with his rent. He initially went from letting me service him to anything goes (including deep kissing) in discussion, after I declined subsequent offers and scenarios. He’s agreed to met 2-3 times a month in exchange, and is willing to do weekends for additional help. Since he’s not an escort, I’m not sure what warning signs to look for. I have zero intuition, and am a poor judge of character, so there’s that.

I hired Griffin last month. He was bodybuilding and bulking at that time, and the chiseled abs were on hiatus then. That said, don’t let that be the determining factor in hiring him. The guy is absolute sex on legs.

Love.

Far too many people use it without the heart behind it. Yeah, I'm jaded.

I wonder how Reluctant Daddy - and the marriage - is/are doing....we haven't heard from him in a month.......sounded like an uneasy truce, last I remember

Basically in truce mode and holding. No further discussion of the events or what may happen in the future. I'm going counseling alone and it's pretty difficult and painful. At this point my counselor thinks that we both have far too much invested in our time together to call it quits over this. She also thinks mentioning the fact that I'm hiring would further complicate matters. And to my surprise, she completely supports my hiring. She thinks I'm getting both the physical and emotional support missing from my marriage and thinks that it's important to continue that. The trick is to discreetly balance the two and to not become too dependent on an escort for those things.

At this point I'm not sure what I'm going to do, and will retreat to my burrow with my bottle of gin to think it out.

How could this be a compromise? He knows you are unhappy. He must realize that his set-in-stone unwillingness to discuss these subjects - sex, your indiscretion, what lead to your actions, etc. will eventually lead to nothing good. He is clearly unhappy, too, but he is unwilling to try to fix the problems. It really does take two to untangle this mess.

I think it may be his way of compromising because he doesn't want to discuss the issue. I'm sure he knows that I sought out sex because I'm not getting from him at home. At this point, I'm not sure that the reason is relevant. He must realize that I was being extremely discreet and went to great lengths to arrange a tryst with someone outside of the area, away from him and anyone we know. And since he believes that it was someone younger, may be aware that it was paid for in some way, shape or form (although the actual amount will never be known to him).

I'm happy in the relationship with the exception of the sexual aspect. I think he's happy/content in the relationship except for this episode. The whole divorce drama has mellowed, and I personally see his comment as an ok/fix to do this, so long as I don't bring it home or wave it under his nose. I may be wrong, but I'm not quite sure what other reason he had for making that comment.

Do you in any way feel that bringing that up was/is/will be helpful in patching things up with your husband/partner?

Patching things up should be an effort on both of our parts. The unwillingness on his part to address the issue isn't making things better. Perhaps he's realized that I'm unhappy with the status quo and this is a compromise on his part.

With all due respect, but that was not very tactful of you, nor was it considerate. Inviting your husband/partner to the very same hotel where you had your tryst? That was in poor taste. Sorry. I understand his reaction.

To clarify, the entire dinner conversation didn't revolve around doom and gloom. We were discussing many upbeat things, including individual upcoming travel plans and the fact that I wanted to travel to Montreal as well as return to the city of my tryst. It wasn't intended or taken as an invite (we're unable to travel together). As for the email thing, as tactless as it is, our jobs somewhat revolve around it so it's checked frequently.

**And I just noticed that part of my post got clipped when editing on my ipad....if should have read

"lamenting the crap life has flung at us over the course of our relationship, and the changes we've gone through"

A follow-up and perhaps a change of mind/heart. After the death of a family member (his) and the loss of a pet we've had for the past 22 years, we were out at dinner last night lamenting the crap life has flung at us over the course of our relationship. At one point, I was checking my email and noticed an offer from the hotel where I spent my weekend in November. I mentioned it, said it sounded like a great deal, and he said "you should check to see if your boy is available......go back and have a nice weekend." When I tried to continue the conversation, he just shook his head as though it was decided - conversation over. I'm not sure if he's resigned himself to the fact that I have done and would like to do this again. I don't think that there's any interest on his part to discuss it any further. Most definitely to be discussed in detail next session with my counselor.

I took the leap and met with a counselor today. While I didn't expect any answers, I didn't expect so many questions.

The one question that I can't seem to answer or deal with is "how important is sex vs relationship to me". With my first hire, I rediscovered the joy of sex. While I'm not very good at it, I enjoy it immensely. At this stage of my life I think that any continuing encounters I might have would be with hires.

I've not spoken in detail to my husband about what happened, but it's clear that he's not keen on sex outside of our sexless relationship in any form.

Some general questions - if you were in a similar situation, could/would you completely give up sex to keep the relationship going? Would it lead to frustration and resentment on your part?

Hopefully you've found the input from the folks here helpful. I'm sure you see the illogic in that you've asked for it all from strangers.

The input has been tremendously helpful, and the logic about discussing with strangers is his, not mine. These are uncharted waters for me and I needed to gain some perspective on possible courses of action.

Do the two of you still love each other, or are you just comfortable with each other?

We still love each other, perhaps not as intensely as we did years ago. And, after 36 years, there is a definitely a certain comfort aspect to the relationship. For either of us to simply walk away and try to destroy one another over this is what's thrown me. In my mind, "it's just sex" without any strings or attachments. I guess I fucked up with that logic.

I'm screening therapists this week to get a professional take on this. Hopefully, I can come up with an easier way to deal with this and try to fix it.

Thanks again to all of you for your comments, support and for not kicking me while I'm down. I truly appreciate this forum and all of you. You're really a wonderful group of people!

Thanks to all for your suggestions, comments, and and especially your non-judgment.

After some discussion, counseling is not on the table for the 2 of us - we don't discuss our problems with strangers. Would counseling for 1 really be effective?

I can't let him know that it was an escort I hired vs a Grindr hookup. The fact that I spent a substantial amount of cash for a dalliance would be a death knell.

Apparently, the marriage certificate is some sort of mystical Bristol Palinesque chastity agreement - despite the fact that our previous life involved thirds and groups.

Privacy wasn't really breached. We share common bank and charge accounts and the mailing from my HMO was most likely mistaken as an invoice. The suitcase inspection was no doubt to confirm his fears that I was traveling for an encounter. This was the first time I've ever traveled alone and out of the blue. It was bound to raise suspicion.

I've tried, repeatedly, over the years to engage him - only to be rebuffed, for reasons unknown.

I guess my fatal mistake was to hire for a weekend. Had this been a 1 or 2 hour local hire, it could have easily been covered as a trip to the gym/movies/mall.

Pending any further discussion, my life will be lived either as a neutered dog, or hiring on the DL (most likely giving $50 BJ's to local meth addicts, since escorts rarely visit here).

I have a hell of a lot of thinking and soul searching to do on this.

Thank you all again.

First, I would like to say that I am extremely grateful for all of the advice, guidance and support I've received from many of you in this forum. It has been helpful, and appreciated more than I can express. I now find myself in a very distressing situation and really need some thoughts on what to do and where to go from here. I truly agonized over posting this for fear of being eaten alive in a public forum, but I have absolutely no other outlet to discuss this particular problem. My posts are now under a new screen name since I discovered Google links back to posts on this forum

I've been in a relationship with a man for the past 36 years, married for the past 6. There was a very healthy and active sex life until 7 years ago. It stopped dead, with all discussions ending with, "we're too old..." and the tongue in cheek suggestion of "go find a boy to play with." For 6 of those years, I resisted the hookup sites and apps. It didn't feel right getting into a relationship of any sort with someone I might find on them. I have used them to chat with people about movies, music and photography, but drew the line at that. Last year I discovered hiring. In my mind hiring didn't present a problem or, at least to me, constitute cheating - there are ground rules and the relationship doesn't progress beyond them when hiring.

Last month I took the plunge and booked a weekend with someone. Two weeks prior, I went through STI testing and received the results (negative) through my online patient portal. Little did I know that the HMO would also mail the results to my home. As bad luck would have it, they were intercepted. Based on that there was an inspection of my "weekend away" suitcase, where several well hidden items (condoms, douche, etc.) were discovered. Nothing was mentioned until a few nights ago when it all came to a boil. He believes I spent the weekend with someone I met on Grindr. He would be absolutely livid if he knew the truth about my companion.

I've been asked to leave, relinquish ownership of my dogs, and there's a promise of a very acrimonious divorce which will leave me with very little at the end. The thought of having to start a brand new life at my age is absolutely terrifying.

I believe I have 2 to 3 choices. One is to try to make amends and live a life devoid of sex. One is to make amends and continue to hire on the extreme down low. The last is to walk away and try my best to make a new life - under this choice, my ability to hire, among other things, would most likely be negatively impacted. There is another choice, but it involves a bridge and the icy Hudson - I haven't quite hit that point yet.

I'd appreciate any thoughts, advice, words of wisdom, anything really. Please spare me any negative comments or public flaying. It's embarrassing enough for me to post this, and it wouldn't be helpful and would only make me feel worse than I already do.

Thanks, and Happy Holidays

Kevin Warhol. I don't think he escorts, and if he does it's most likely in Europe.

Hi, I’m new to the forum.

 

If I was the client and an escort was asking me to hand over these details, then I would suspect, given his age, that he is new to escorting and is perhaps a little insecure. However, that neither his photos of ID are verified would give me cause for concern that he could use this information against the client. I guess it depends on how you would interpret his request, but I’d say that he’s young, new, and hasn’t yet figured out how to deal with potential clients.

These were initially my thoughts, but after his ad disappeared and he stopped responding to texts I'm glad on not providing either. Seemed a little too sketchy to me.