Should any manners be expected when receiving gifts?

[Guest]

I recently attended a birthday dinner for my sister (who lives in town), along with my mother and step-mother. Absent were my brother, his wife and daughter (who don't live in town), and my sister's daughter (who goes to a university in another state). At this dinner, I expressed a certain displeasure at the fact that my brother's daughter refused to acknowledge a gift I'd given her. I don't expect perfumed, flowery thank-you letters, but an acknowledgment of the receipt would be nice. I in fact texted this niece, asking her if she had received the gift, and repeated the text a few days later. Only a week later did I finally get a text "Thank you, I got it!".

My niece on my brother's side is 25 and, other than school-work, has never had to lift a finger in her life. Her parents are very wealthy, earning about 50 times what I do. She's never even tried to get a driver's license. She was an ace student at a prestigious prep school, got into a prestigious private university, where she also did brilliantly until she dropped out during her senior year, for what was described as a "mental breakdown." I'm not privy to exactly what happened, but she now sports a tattoo on her wrist with the symbol of a suicide survivor, so she's not exactly hiding what happened. She literally wears it on her sleeve, as if to say "Don't count on me ever being a productive member of society."

When I announced my displeasure at the dinner, and my intention to stop giving gifts to her, the reaction was "You shouldn't give with the expectation of gratitude; you should give for the pleasure of giving." They said I should forgive her behavior because she has "mental problems." I responded that I've never met anyone in my 30 years of treating patients, who was so far off that he couldn't even answer a text.

So am I being callous and insensitive? Or would you guys cut off the gifts also?

[kewtex]

Do you think your niece was taught to write thank you notes? Absent that fact, the outside observer must reserve passing judgment on your niece.

If you feel you cannot continue to send your niece gifts without receiving a thank you note, stop sending gifts. You should not be faulted for your choice.

Announcing your displeasure with your niece at a family function was a breach of etiquette.

[Bargara Leatherboy]

I'd stop giving

[geoffk]

Some people are exceptional at sending thank yous. some people are not. Obviously this girl ignored your text and the was rude. She could have at least said thank you then. Why are you sending gifts to a rich 25 year old anyway?

[BaronArtz]

She was rude. You have every right to express your displeasure. I wouldn't send her any gifts again either, it would be a waste.

[MikeBiDude]

but she now sports a tattoo on her wrist with the symbol of a suicide survivor, so she's not exactly hiding what happened. She literally wears it on her sleeve, as if to say "Don't count on me ever being a productive member of society."

Harsh?

[LoveNDino]

I recently attended a birthday dinner for my sister (who lives in town), along with my mother and step-mother. Absent were my brother, his wife and daughter (who don't live in town), and my sister's daughter (who goes to a university in another state). At this dinner, I expressed a certain displeasure at the fact that my brother's daughter refused to acknowledge a gift I'd given her. I don't expect perfumed, flowery thank-you letters, but an acknowledgment of the receipt would be nice. I in fact texted this niece, asking her if she had received the gift, and repeated the text a few days later. Only a week later did I finally get a text "Thank you, I got it!".

My niece on my brother's side is 25 and, other than school-work, has never had to lift a finger in her life. Her parents are very wealthy, earning about 50 times what I do. She's never even tried to get a driver's license. She was an ace student at a prestigious prep school, got into a prestigious private university, where she also did brilliantly until she dropped out during her senior year, for what was described as a "mental breakdown." I'm not privy to exactly what happened, but she now sports a tattoo on her wrist with the symbol of a suicide survivor, so she's not exactly hiding what happened. She literally wears it on her sleeve, as if to say "Don't count on me ever being a productive member of society."

When I announced my displeasure at the dinner, and my intention to stop giving gifts to her, the reaction was "You shouldn't give with the expectation of gratitude; you should give for the pleasure of giving." They said I should forgive her behavior because she has "mental problems." I responded that I've never met anyone in my 30 years of treating patients, who was so far off that he couldn't even answer a text.

So am I being callous and insensitive? Or would you guys cut off the gifts also?

 

Hello - I'm sorry this happened to you. Something like this irritates me as well. You didn't mention if this was the first time she hadn't acknowledged a gift you had given. If this is the first time, perhaps she is undergoing something difficult right now - one that her or her family is unwilling to share. If this is her modus operandi with gifts, if she were my niece, I would have stopped giving her gifts ages ago.

[Rudynate]

When my nieces and nephews were kids, I used to send checks at birthdays and would select nice things for them at Christmas. Never received a thank you, so I started sending cards instead.

[rvwnsd]

I'd stop sending the gifts. It seems like she has some issues that preclude her from thinking about sending a thank you note (or text or email or call), so you can give her one less thing to worry about by stopping the gifts.

[MikeyGMin]

Even though you're not privy to what happened in her college years, you are an MD, so I'm sure you are aware of the types of mental illness that can surface in young adulthood. Not saying this is the problem with your niece, but I have a niece who developed schizophrenia while in college. She still cannot function in a reality-based world, has lost custody of her children, and it's a real mess.

 

That said, I would switch to sending her a Happy Birthday text or card and being done with it.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

I don't care what generation you come from, when you don't send a timely message (in any form) when receiving a gift, you're being an asshole.

 

I'd also agree to take her 'off the Christmas card list.'

[+ azdr0710]

at age 25, it's probably ok to stop giving her tangible gifts.....but, since you're a fairly close relative, I'd still acknowledge that fact with simple cards (cool 99 cents at Trader Joe's!) for birthdays and Xmas.....thankfully, she doesn't need to thank you for those

[+ FreshFluff]

First of all, I definitely wouldn't send her any more gifts if she can't acknowledge receipt of this one and thank you for it.

 

I'm surprised that a graduate of a prestigious private high school wouldn't have written a thank you note by default. Had you and she had some kind of quarrel before this?

 

Privileged or not, though, she's having a hard time. The college administration may have forced her out if they thought she was suicidal. Once out, universities usually force students who take leave to jump through hoops (e.g. holding down a job for a year) before they can return. In any case, she worked very hard to get into college and is now left without a degree at twenty-five. That's not an easy place to be.

[+ jeezopete]

the reaction was "You shouldn't give with the expectation of gratitude; you should give for the pleasure of giving."

My initial reaction would be, "I get no pleasure from giving to someone who doesn't appreciate my gifts. I'm done."

 

Seriously, I thank a stranger for holding a door and though I'll hold one for a stranger just because it's the decent thing to do, I appreciate it when I receive a thanks. The time & money & thought that go into giving a gift is way beyond holding a door.

[Rudynate]

My initial reaction would be, "I get no pleasure from giving to someone who doesn't appreciate my gifts. I'm done."

 

Seriously, I thank a stranger for holding a door and though I'll hold one for a stranger just because it's the decent thing to do, I appreciate it when I receive a thanks. The time & money & thought that go into giving a gift is way beyond holding a door.

 

Holding doors for people is one of my favorite things. It really brightens a person's day. Huge return relative to the investment.

[Deadlift1]

25 is too old to be giving gifts. Why not go for a ride and take her for dinner. See what is going on in her life. But that would require way too much effort on your part.

[+ WilliamM]

Some people are exceptional at sending thank yous. some people are not

 

Exactly. Very difficult to realize some people have yet to understand.

[+ poolboy48220]

Count me in that group. My parents did a good job raising the four of us (imho), I was surprised that the other busboys at my first job had no idea how to set a table. But writing thank-you notes was something my mother never even brought up, much less stressed, until high school graduation and the graduation present checks. A friend introduced me to Miss Manners' column when I was about 23, and I've been a fan since, but at that point I was pretty well beyond gift-getting age. I write out responses to wedding invitations on stationery, rather than using the pre-printed card with a checkbox. Most of my friends think that's a hoot, others are annoyed that my response doesn't fit into their index card box with all the other responses

[+ Topseed]

Cut the cord on being an ATM. This gives you (and, ideally, both you and the recipient) a chance to redefine the relationship away from money. To be fair, this is easier said than done; you may not shift the paradigm here.

[+ poolboy48220]

Not mention that it's difficult to make that work when the invitation includes a meal choice

 

Mr. Poolboy

accepts with pleasure

the kind invitation of

Mr. and Mrs. Brides Parents

for Saturday, the 9th of September

at 4:00 in the afternoon

and would like the chicken

[Guest]

Do you think your niece was taught to write thank you notes? Absent that fact, the outside observer must reserve passing judgment on your niece.

If you feel you cannot continue to send your niece gifts without receiving a thank you note, stop sending gifts. You should not be faulted for your choice.

Announcing your displeasure with your niece at a family function was a breach of etiquette.

 

As I think I intimated in my original post, it wasn't that she didn't write a thank-you note. I'm OK with that. But to not even answer a text asking her if she received the gift, I thought was going too far. And yes, she's done it before; I was more forgiving sooner after the event, which is 2 years ago now. I wouldn't have expressed my displeasure had my other niece been there, because then I would be comparing the two. But I feel I'm close enough to my mother, step-mother, and sister that I can express the way I'm feeling with them.

[rvwnsd]

As I think I intimated in my original post, it wasn't that she didn't write a thank-you note. I'm OK with that. But to not even answer a text asking her if she received the gift, I thought was going too far. And yes, she's done it before; I was more forgiving sooner after the event, which is 2 years ago now. I wouldn't have expressed my displeasure had my other niece been there, because then I would be comparing the two. But I feel I'm close enough to my mother, step-mother, and sister that I can express the way I'm feeling with them.

Please don't take offense by this, but I'm assuming you did not announce this at the table. It was said as part of a conversation, right?

[kewtex]

As I think I intimated in my original post, it wasn't that she didn't write a thank-you note. I'm OK with that. But to not even answer a text asking her if she received the gift, I thought was going too far. And yes, she's done it before; I was more forgiving sooner after the event, which is 2 years ago now. I wouldn't have expressed my displeasure had my other niece been there, because then I would be comparing the two. But I feel I'm close enough to my mother, step-mother, and sister that I can express the way I'm feeling with them.

 

Did I understand you correctly? The gift your niece didn't acknowledge was given two years ago?

[+ WilliamM]

Some people are exceptional at sending thank yous. some people are not.

 

Again, what more is there to say?

[OCClient]

For my niece's wedding I chose one of the more expensive items from their registry, to deliver to their house. We do these things, right? I'll score high in their esteem. I never heard a thing from them. I was mostly concerned whether or not they actually got the gift. Yes, I worry too much. That she didn't bother with a thank you note was disappointing, but not all that surprising. My brother and sister-in-law aren't consumed with that kind of protocol and my niece less so, which my mom later confirmed when I discretely inquired about it. In the end, it's the kind of thing one could let go of, dwelling on irksome family behaviors.