Offended by vetting

[Mocha]

I would echo what @Kevin Slater said. I understand that you meant no harm but if you had done this to me, I would be startled by it. Just as you have a personal life to protect, so does the companion. Even though you only disclosed that you knew his real name, if he is a bright and discerning companion, he logically is going to wonder what else you have researched. He may wonder if you have been watching or following him, if you are a stalker etc... Remember, at this point you are a stranger to him. If someone discloses to you that they know more about you than they wanted you to know, it can feel ominous. If he didn't have a normal nickname, then I agree with the others who recommend just asking the companion what he would like to be called. I would just chalk this up to a lesson learned for future encounters.

 

Startled? If an escort get startled by that, that sounds a bit paranoid to me. Especially when we have people in and out of our residences....something most people would fear for their safety for, is it worth making a scene over a name? A person has no qualms to give out their address, something most people don't want others knowing, but not a name? Boy, BOOM is what I would have said.

 

I still fail to understand how any of it is invasion of privacy. It just sounds trivial to even be discussing. People are missing the point: if you're listing your phone number in a public domain, where it can be traced back to you....don't use one that could show anything sensitive.

 

When people call my regular phone, I automatically know they're name because it shows up on my caller ID that I pay extra for. If the client can find an escorts name by searching on Google, that means that number is linked to their name whether by being on the bill or some other identifying way such as a Facebook or another account.

 

It's very easy. I have 3 phone numbers. 3 phone numbers. Googling the ad number will only pull up what I want to be pulled up. 1 # for me, 1 # for mocha, and 1 as a backup for when I don't want people to know either about me.

Edited August 30, 2017 by Mocha

[+ nycman]

This past winter I was out at a gay social event. I didn't know anyone there.

It was all light cocktail party talk. One of the younger guys in my circle started

playing with his phone, I just assumed he was a text addicted Millennial.

 

After less than 10 seconds he looks right at me and says "wow, you look a

lot different in the summer". He only knew my first name and the general

area of New York where I live. He was looking at pictures of me that clearly

identified my profession and place of employment.

 

Although you could tell to him it was just harmless curiosity, it was a little

disturbing to me and a wake up call. In today's world everything about

you is discoverable in 10 seconds or less.

 

I understand your escort's reaction. Unfortunately, looking everyone you

meet up online is the new socially acceptable norm and being offended just

makes you look like a clueless old geezer.

[Beancounter]

The ultimate irony....a thread about the pros and cons of vetting in a public Internet forum where the vast majority of Forum members come together to publicly vet escorts in the Deli section. It appears as if vetting is OK in this clandestine little part of the Internet as long as there is a gentlemen's agreement to keep it to themselves.

 

Whether we like it or not everyone in this Forum vets prospective escorts in one way or another...escorts and clients alike.

[+ Eric Hassan]

I don't think it is as B&W as some of you claim. If you thought and were hoping that your real identity was hidden, would you want to know that it isn't?

It seems there could be one of two reactions (or both) if a client tells you how easy it is get your real name: "thanks for letting me know I'll fix that" or "how dare you invade my privacy."

If I can get your name then so can everyone else. Is it better to be in the dark? But the truth is I will go along with the alias.

 

That doesn't make you a stalker and that isn't a violation of my privacy. A violation of my privacy is coming into my space, contacting my friends, discussing the business between the two of us, and betraying the trust I placed in you to respect my information.

 

From this escort's point of view, it's not that you find out my "real" name - that's pretty easy to do, and I don't make many attempts to conceal my identity - I choose to use the name "Eric Hassan" because I like it. Everyone who has revealed they know my name has also asked me what to call me. I'm sure many clients know my real name and have kept that fact to themselves. Keeping my real name to yourself, or sharing that you know it and asking me what I want to be called, shows me that you have some respect for my personal life.

 

It's not that you know. It's that you show a lack of discretion and respect by calling the escort by that name without asking. If you'll do that, what else will you do? If you call me by my real name without asking and completely out of the blue, it shows me you have a big mouth and won't keep it shut.

[KennF]

From this escort's point of view, it's not that you find out my "real" name - that's pretty easy to do, and I don't make many attempts to conceal my identity - I choose to use the name "Eric Hassan" because I like it. Everyone who has revealed they know my name has also asked me what to call me. I'm sure many clients know my real name and have kept that fact to themselves. Keeping my real name to yourself, or sharing that you know it and asking me what I want to be called, shows me that you have some respect for my personal life.

 

It's not that you know. It's that you show a lack of discretion and respect by calling the escort by that name without asking. If you'll do that, what else will you do? If you call me by my real name without asking and completely out of the blue, it shows me you have a big mouth and won't keep it shut.

 

I acknowledge the point. I've already extended my apologies.

 

Question though, if you hadn't chosen the name "Eric Hassan", but rather "UncutHung9x7inMaine", does that change your assessment?

[mike carey]

Question though, if you hadn't chosen the name "Eric Hassan", but rather "UncutHung9x7inMaine", does that change your assessment?

I doubt it does. Having a handle like the one you suggest makes it more important to find a name to call your escort when you are in the throes of passion, but it doesn't give you licence to call him by his name when you have discovered it covertly. You still have to ask him what he would like to be called. Just as you, if you chose to use a nom de plume as a client, are entitled to be called that unless you have given permission otherwise.

[+ Eric Hassan]

I acknowledge the point. I've already extended my apologies.

 

Question though, if you hadn't chosen the name "Eric Hassan", but rather "UncutHung9x7inMaine", does that change your assessment?

 

@KennF - I'm sorry if I made you feel like you needed to apologize more. That was not my intent. It was simply to help you (and others) understand what an escort might feel like. You didn't owe any of us an apology - you asked a question, got some answers. You did get skewered a bit, and I think you understand why, but this thread is simply an exchange of information - not your trial.

 

Your question is interesting. I didn't choose Eric Hassan until I had already established myself as The Dude Next Door. My website is thedudenextdoor.com and my handle on RM is thedudenextdoor - I'm committed to that title as part of my identity. My assessment is based on having the experience of choosing a moniker that isn't a name - thedudenextdoor - and then choosing a name by which to be called.

[KennF]

FWIW - The escort decided to take down his ad completely. :oops:

[Strafe13]

FWIW - The escort decided to take down his ad completely. :oops:

 

Yeah..., it looks like he's not cut out for this line of work. In a way it's probably better for him that he learned how vulnerable his identity was from one of the nicer clients like yourself, even if it was by mistake. It may only have been a matter of time before an unstable or vindictive client learned this guy's real name the same way you did, and actually *put it to use* in a way that could have been embarrassing or even harmful to the guy. All's well that ends well...

[MikeyGMin]

I've seen several guys come and go very quickly -- especially young ones. Two cuties here in Austin in just the last few months. I don't know whether it's a realization that no amount of discretion is foolproof, or they do a few sessions and realize the job is not as fun as they thought it would be. We all know it takes a special kind of empathy and sexuality to make many sessions successful. It's a pretty rare quality.

[+ oldNbusted]

or they do a few sessions and realize the job is not as fun as they thought it would be. We all know it takes a special kind of empathy and sexuality to make many sessions successful. It's a pretty rare quality.

 

You are so right! I really appreciate the guy the I 'click' with. I didn't realize how big a deal that would be.

[instudiocity]

but it just seems nonsensical in this context. Putting information "to use," sounds like one has taken the info and purposefully utilized it in some tangible fashion, like if you learned an account number and then used it to go shopping.

Geez, are you a barber? How many hairs can you possibly split on the idea of using personal information? Edited August 31, 2017 by instudiocity

[Strafe13]

Geez, are you a barber? How many hairs can you possibly split on the idea of using personal information?

 

You say tomato (tuh-may-toe), I say tomato (tuh-mah-toe). You say "splitting hairs," I say "be more precise in language so as not to unfairly accuse people of invading others' privacy or unnecessarily impugn their motives or character." Go figure.

[instudiocity]

You say tomato (tuh-may-toe), I say tomato (tuh-mah-toe). You say "splitting hairs," I say "be more precise in language so as not to unfairly accuse people of invading others' privacy or unnecessarily impugn their motives or character." Go figure.

If'n it ain't yours'n then don't be using it without permission. Larned dat when I wuz 9.

[Strafe13]

If'n it ain't yours'n then don't be using it without permission. Larned dat when I wuz 9.

 

I guess that's fine, if not overly simplistic. Even if calling someone by their name somehow = using something that isn't yours without permission, that doesn't necessarily = an invasion of privacy, particularly when the purported "use" of the name was unintentional. Nuance is clearly lost on you.

[instudiocity]

I guess that's fine, if not overly simplistic. Even if calling someone by their name somehow = using something that isn't yours without permission, that doesn't necessarily = an invasion of privacy, particularly when the purported "use" of the name was unintentional. Nuance is clearly lost on you.

I'm not missing the nuance at all.

 

You want to defend invasion of privacy criminal cases if you can't find substantial evidence. All I want to do is respect the individual's privacy. I started with this whole subject saying you were being legalistic, and followed with hair-splitting. That indicated I don't get your nuance?

 

Just because a deed might not rise to adjudication of LAW, doesn't mean the same deed is not against decorum. I mean really, to you fart in public? That's a huge invasion of my private right to BREATHE STINK-FREE AIR but it's not against the law.

 

I ain't neva knowed a person what wanted to be called by a name what he didn't tell me. I'm sure he'd 'preciate me calling him by the name he done tolt me and not some other names I may wanna call him like some diminutive of his real name, his real name if'n he ain't said it, or Asshat, Shithead, Peckerhead or Sigma Omega Beta, neither

 

Just the way I wuz reared.

Edited August 31, 2017 by instudiocity

[Strafe13]

I ain't neva knowed a man what wanted to be called by a name what he didn't tell me. I'm sure he'd 'preciate me calling him by the name he done tolt me and not some other names I may wanna call him like a diminutive name for his real name, his real name if'n he ain't said, Asshat, Shithead, Peckerhead or Sigma Omega Beta.

 

Just the way I wuz reared.

 

Sure, okay. I was also raised to not jump to conclusions (like, "you called me by my name, and I never told you that, so you must have violated my privacy"). My rearing also included not crucifying someone who's admitted that he made a mistake; offering him the benefit of the doubt; and graciously accepting his apology, if I think it was sincere.

[Beancounter]

Perhaps the English professor and the not-so-proficient-in-the-English-language Forum member would like to take their boxing match offline. :rolleyes:

[Strafe13]

I'm not missing the nuance at all.

 

You want to defend invasion of privacy criminal cases if you can't find substantial evidence. All I want to do is respect the individual's privacy. I started with this whole subject saying you were being legalistic, and followed with hair-splitting. That indicated I don't get your nuance?

 

Just because a deed might not rise to adjudication of LAW, doesn't mean the same deed is not against decorum. I mean really, to you fart in public? That's a huge invasion of my private right to BREATHE STINK-FREE AIR but it's not against the law.

 

I ain't neva knowed a person what wanted to be called by a name what he didn't tell me. I'm sure he'd 'preciate me calling him by the name he done tolt me and not some other names I may wanna call him like some diminutive of his real name, his real name if'n he ain't said it, or Asshat, Shithead, Peckerhead or Sigma Omega Beta, neither

 

Just the way I wuz reared.

 

You added a whole lot of extra stuff to your post way after I responded to it, so I'll take one last stab at this because I don't think we're disagreeing all that much, despite the catty retorts we've exchanged.

 

I never said that there was nothing wrong with the OP calling the escort by his real name, and in fact, I said repeatedly that it was a social snafu. I've even said that it's perfectly understandable that the escort would be alarmed, and perhaps assume that the OP had to have violated his privacy in order to learn the name. What I've taken issue with is the notion, said explicitly by some in this thread, and implied by others, that the OP actually invaded or violated the escort's privacy by inadvertently learning of, or calling the escort by, that name. I believe, in the particular context described by the OP, that requires intent. I'm not speaking legally, but as a matter of common sense and fairness to the OP. He made a mistake, and he then immediately apologized to the person affected by the mistake. To then label him as an invader of the escort's privacy on top of that was, I felt, overkill. That's why I stood up for him.

 

Look, I respect that reasonable minds can disagree, so there's nothing wrong with us taking different positions here. What I took issue with was what I felt were condescending or insulting jabs, like belittling the point I articulated by dismissing it as "legalistic." Or your sarcastic noting of my "healthy" perspective for someone who felt he wasn't violating another's privacy. Or your most recent implication that I don't share a sense of common decency, when you phonetically wrote in an accent to say that you know, better than me and the OP apparently, not to call someone by a name they haven't disclosed because you were reared a certain way. The irony is that I felt that my initial post on this thread expressed my agreement with the uncontroversial notion that one generally shouldn't call another by a name they haven't disclosed, when I asked escorts for their perspective on whether, and how, I could/should broach the topic with one of my regular escorts. My fear of his reaction was actually rooted in my acknowledgement of the social norm, not a disregard for it.

 

I enjoy robust debate as much as anyone on this forum, but I don't think we need to insult each other to engage in it. Perhaps you didn't mean to be insulting or condescending, but that's how I interpreted some of your statements. I also acknowledge that I may have written things that you interpreted as insulting in this thread. For that, I apologize.

[LivingnLA]

What a great thread that's well worth discussing.

 

Since I try to stay very discreet myself, I go to great lengths to minimize my possible exposure. I try to return the favor to escorts I meet. Since I do vet each and every escort I meet, I have run into escorts who after basic vetting, are revealed. Generally, and probably because I'm always looking out for people (my wife calls me a control freak), I ask them if they are discreet like me or if they don't care about being publicly known as an escort. Most of the guys I see say they're very discreet. If they say that, I give them a heads up about how closely related they are online when they use pics from their Instagram or the same cell number or whatever. Some guys say I'm a stalker or weirdo, but most thank me and ask for advice on being more discreet. Your mileage may vary. Every culture has different expectations about privacy and discretion.

[Strafe13]

What a great thread that's well worth discussing.

 

Since I try to stay very discreet myself, I go to great lengths to minimize my possible exposure. I try to return the favor to escorts I meet. Since I do vet each and every escort I meet, I have run into escorts who after basic vetting, are revealed. Generally, and probably because I'm always looking out for people (my wife calls me a control freak), I ask them if they are discreet like me or if they don't care about being publicly known as an escort. Most of the guys I see say they're very discreet. If they say that, I give them a heads up about how closely related they are online when they use pics from their Instagram or the same cell number or whatever. Some guys say I'm a stalker or weirdo, but most thank me and ask for advice on being more discreet. Your mileage may vary. Every culture has different expectations about privacy and discretion.

 

I think your tactic of first asking the escort about his level of discretion is really sound. It doesn't address the particular situation I'd asked about earlier, but I think I'll adopt it from now on if I uncover sensitive information when I'm vetting other escorts. Thanks for this.

[+ VeryHappyCustomer]

I have run into escorts who after basic vetting, are revealed. Generally, and probably because I'm always looking out for people (my wife calls me a control freak), I ask them if they are discreet like me or if they don't care about being publicly known as an escort. Most of the guys I see say they're very discreet. If they say that, I give them a heads up about how closely related they are online when they use pics from their Instagram or the same cell number or whatever. Some guys say I'm a stalker or weirdo, but most thank me and ask for advice on being more discreet. Your mileage may vary. Every culture has different expectations about privacy and discretion.

 

You, sir, are my lost twin! I do the same. And my wife says I'm a control freak (but I know she loves it) and occasionally a guy panics and calls me a stalker. But most guys recognize my good intentions and ask for advice. (Maybe privately they call me grandpa.)

[LivingnLA]

You're welcome @Strafe13. I'm glad I could help.

 

@VeryHappyCustomer, I've found over the decades that my wife finds me amusing and endlessly entertaining. A happy wife = a happy life in my not too humble opinion.

[LookingAround]

With apologies, a bunch of older, married men talking about needing to keep their wives happy while on the prowl for gay male escorts is creeping me out a bit.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

With apologies, a bunch of older, married men talking about needing to keep their wives happy while on the prowl for gay male escorts is creeping me out a bit.

 

The irony gets so thick here that I feel at times we need swim goggles to navigate