My most heart-rendering Christmas...

[Guest]

What a Christmas (or should I say Saturnalia?)! I just got out of another toxic relationship. A little over 2 years ago (October 2013), my previous domestic partner, with whom I'd been together for over 13 years, left me while I was away at a medical conference. I could tell that things were going downhill in the last year, because of many mysterious absences and emotional detachment, but his leaving me while I was away, after I had taken good care of him all of this time, gotten him US residency, citizenship, education, and a job, was hurtful, of course. Then there was my latest. We got together in late February of this year, having met on a houseboy website. I guess I was a fool again, swept away by his charm and good looks.

He had grown up in a highly dysfunctional family, with a mentally disturbed mother who kicked him out at 16 or 17 when she found out he was gay. He bartended for some time, then joined the US Navy, where he apparently did well for a number of years. He states he was kicked out of there, apparently for being gay as well (this was during Bush, Jr.'s tenure), assuming I can believe his story. He held odd jobs since. He was 32 when we got together (and is about to turn 33). I hoped that by giving him a loving home, he could turn his life around. My hopes were misplaced.

Unfortunately, he seemed to be completely unable to understand that his actions have consequences. He flunked out of a summer math course in the community college. I had to bail him out of a legal problem he got into, although I told him that this was the one and only time I would ever do so (public intoxication, which also happened while I was away at a medical conference, although, interestingly, he rarely drank at home).

Then, this Fall, he started taking off as well, not answering his texts, always with some crazy excuse "I lost my phone, it wasn't charged," etc. I almost kicked him out a few times, and the previous time took him back only because he assured me "I'm going to change 180 degrees."

Then last Saturday (the one before Christmas), there was a dinner party one of my friends had invited the two of us to. He said he would come with me, and we agreed to go around 6 PM. I came back from work around 5:15 and texted him because he wasn't home. I texted him repeatedly until 6:30 PM when I told him I had to go. He finally texted me back at 11:30 stating he "overslept." That was the last straw. I told him he needed to stay with whomever he was with, or at the place of any of the other people with whom he had been staying.

I gave him some money to get him going, and drove him and some other dude to the car rental place to get a car to get out of here (he had hooked up with some driver's licence-less Frenchman who wanted to go to Los Angeles, for some reason).

He came to my place on Christmas Day itself to get most of his stuff (he still has a lot of stuff here which I said he has until February to pick up). He told me I was an "A #1" man, and his last tearful words to me were "I love you," although I have no idea if that's true or not. Although I had warned him repeatedly about his driving, and told him repeatedly I would never help him with any traffic tickets he got, he just texted me, asking me to pay for a traffic ticket he got a few weeks ago "for my birthday" (which is next month).

To make things even more exciting, the motherboard on the 8 year-old computer my previous ex had installed fried on me on the 23rd. A nice Jewish man fixed it on the 24th, and was installing it while my latest beau was picking up his things on the 25th!

Well, that's a Christmas I'll never forget. As all of my friends/relatives keep telling me, hooking up with handsome men many years younger than myself can only lead to trouble, it seems. I'm not going to get into any relationship for a while, but I'm in an existential quandary. Should I stay single for the rest of my life? Get together with someone closer to my own age, but in a non-sexual relationship? Keep getting sucked into these abusive relationships? Everyone seems to say I have a lot to offer, but I just can't see having a relationship with someone to whom I'm not attracted. I'm rarely attracted to men my age, except the occasional man such as Colton Ford...

[Rudynate]

It isn't handsome young men that is the problem. It is your choice of handsome young men.

[+ WilliamM]

It isn't handsome young men that is the problem. It is your choice of handsome young men.

 

I am not sure about that. It may be a combination of both.

 

As a sidebar, Unicorn, if that is really your most heart-rending Christmas, please think about the migrants/refugees in Europe -- far from home and living in countries (if they lucky) whose citizens may not want them.

 

I do have a lot of sympathy for you, Unicorn, just trying to put things in a different light. I know you are a good guy and did not deserve what happened in the last few days.

[Epigonos]

No one absolutely no one but YOU can answer the questions you have posed. Do YOU want to remain single for the rest of your life? Do YOU want to get together with someone closer to your own age, but in a non-sexual relationship? Do YOU want to keep getting sucked into abusive relationships? If YOU don’t want to get into a relationship with someone to whom you are not attracted have you considered hiring escorts?

Answering the above questions is a piece of cake for me but my answers are meaningless when it comes to you.

[Rudynate]

I am not sure about that. It may be a combination of both.

 

He may be drawn to needy young men. Not all handsome young men are needy. I would venture to say that most aren't.

[rvwnsd]

It isn't handsome young men that is the problem. It is your choice of handsome young men.

 

I am not sure about that. It may be a combination of both....

 

I agree with Rudynate and with WilliamM. The two individuals you just described could be 60 years old and they would still treat you the way they did. It sounds like you are attracted to younger men who also happen to need a great deal of support and maintenance. Not all younger men are like that, much like all older men do not necessarily have their acts together.

 

That being said, I think you need to re-evaluate your dating approach. Essentially, you are looking for a man who is far more flexible about who he finds attractive than you are. Many years ago a guy who was 20 years my senior accused me of being ageist when I politely declined his advances. I asked him why I should be attracted to someone like him when he wasn't. He didn't have an answer to that one.

[Jock123]

Oh Goodness Unicorn. I'm so sorry to Hear. You sound like an Amazing man. Dont let a Few Bad Relationships Jade you. We all go through it.

 

And to go off of What @Rudynate said...Age IS just A number. I've met Countless Irresponsible Older guys as well.

[+ purplekow]

Oh Goodness Unicorn. I'm so sorry to Hear. You sound like an Amazing man. Dont let a Few Bad Relationships Jade you. We all go through it.

 

And to go off of What @Rudynate said...Age IS just A number. I've met Countless Irresponsible Older guys as well.

 

That is right Unicorn, you are just as likely to run into an older irresponsible guy as you are a younger one. After all, the kind of irresponsibility you are describing doesn't just go away, so those young irresponsible men will become old irresponsible men. So date men that attract you. Skip the I am Unicorn, professional and personal hearler, stage. You can treat disease. You can remove cancer. You cannot save the world. You can save your sanity by being more aware of your own shortcomings in relationships and actively working to stop being a victim to 1 testosterone and 2 the need to help. And Colton Ford is amazing but unique.

[tyro]

Uni, I have only a few points to make. Please allow the resident saucy pedant/naughty schoolmarm/ forum word nerd a moment.

1. If this young man isn't an addict, he has even greater problems than what I can fathom. You are better off being rid of him.

2. The scenarios you described sound eerily like ones I had with my rubbing-alcohol-and-mouthwash-drinking ex-boyfriend. If your young man is an addict, you are better off being rid of him. Everyone, including every deity at my disposal, knows I am better off without Pat.

3. Now it is time for me to build upon the sentiments of another poster. Try to keep the past week or so in perspective. This experience will rapidly become a footnote in your relationship history. Do not let it blossom into a full chapter. You were not with this guy for all that long. You have resources at your disposal, unlike a lot of other hurting people in this world. Use some of those resources. Reach out to people who will not tell you the same thing over and over again. You have already heard it, and their words did not help. You may want to seek out some 12-step and/or support groups.

 

This situation was truly a shit storm. It reminds me of my first week of September of this year. But I got through it, I am better for it, and my life is better because of it. I hope that in a few months, you will be able to say the same thing about the Christmas Debacle of 2015 .

T

[+ WilliamM]

That is right Unicorn, you are just as likely to run into an older irresponsible guy as you are a younger one. After all, the kind of irresponsibility you are describing doesn't just go away, so those young irresponsible men will become old irresponsible men.

 

Come on, purplekow. You may be overstating. Many young peeople grow out of that stage in their lives.

[Rudynate]

Age IS just A number .

 

That is a feel-good platitude without much truth to it. I happen to agree with Bette Davis - "Getting old isn't for sissies." But, IF ONE IS UP TO IT, aging is the greatest adventure a person could have.

[+ Truereview]

Uni - if physical attraction and aesthetics are so key for you ( no judgment implied, I get it!), have you thought and/or tried finding a mate who fulfills you emotionally but is open to your physical cravings? An open relationship. Seems to me that's a bit more plausible than finding the Colton Ford unicorn.

[geminibear]

While not a proven medical cure for anything, but especially the ailments of the heart, I still standby my standard prescription: "Rub some dirt on it and by all means Hug it Out"

[Rudynate]

Should I stay single for the rest of my life?

 

That's an option that many guys choose. I have a friend who is 84 yo and has never had a serious relationship in his life.

[big-n-tall]

I'm going to tell you what I tell a friend who's going through a divorce. She had an idea of what her married life would be like. What she got was not what she expected or hoped for. She's even talking about having a baby because she feels the pressure to. The whole pressure to have a baby part I think is insane... but I digress.

 

Being in a relationship won't necessarily make you happy. You have to be comfortable with yourself (and make yourself happy) before you can truly bring that to others. If your happiness or state of acceptance in life is dependent on others... what will you do when and if that person is gone?

 

As others have said we can't answer some the questions you put forth. Only you can reason why you seem to pick the type of guy you do, besides the physical attraction. Only you can decide if being in a relationship or not will ultimately bring you satisfaction.

 

I say don't let this awfulness deter you from being in a relationship. If that's what you truly want. However, maybe not being in a relationship for a while will give you a clearer picture of what you really need.

 

Good luck in whatever choice you make.

[Frequentflier]

I could tell that things were going downhill in the last year, because of many mysterious absences and emotional detachment, but his leaving me while I was away, after I had taken good care of him all of this time, gotten him US residency, citizenship, education, and a job, was hurtful, of course. Then there was my latest. We got together in late February of this year, having met on a houseboy website. I guess I was a fool again, swept away by his charm and good looks.

I hoped that by giving him a loving home, he could turn his life around. My hopes were misplaced.

Unfortunately, he seemed to be completely unable to understand that his actions have consequences. He flunked out of a summer math course in the community college. I had to bail him out of a legal problem he got into, although I told him that this was the one and only time I would ever do so (public intoxication, which also happened while I was away at a medical conference, although, interestingly, he rarely drank at home).

Then, this Fall, he started taking off as well, not answering his texts, always with some crazy excuse "I lost my phone, it wasn't charged," etc. I almost kicked him out a few times, and the previous time took him back only because he assured me "I'm going to change 180 degrees."

Then last Saturday (the one before Christmas), there was a dinner party one of my friends had invited the two of us to. He said he would come with me, and we agreed to go around 6 PM. I came back from work around 5:15 and texted him because he wasn't home. I texted him repeatedly until 6:30 PM when I told him I had to go. He finally texted me back at 11:30 stating he "overslept." That was the last straw. I told him he needed to stay with whomever he was with, or at the place of any of the other people with whom he had been staying.

I gave him some money to get him going, and drove him and some other dude to the car rental place to get a car to get out of here (he had hooked up with some driver's licence-less Frenchman who wanted to go to Los Angeles, for some reason).

He came to my place on Christmas Day itself to get most of his stuff (he still has a lot of stuff here which I said he has until February to pick up). He told me I was an "A #1" man, and his last tearful words to me were "I love you," although I have no idea if that's true or not. Although I had warned him repeatedly about his driving, and told him repeatedly I would never help him with any traffic tickets he got, he just texted me, asking me to pay for a traffic ticket he got a few weeks ago "for my birthday" (which is next month).

Well, that's a Christmas I'll never forget. As all of my friends/relatives keep telling me, hooking up with handsome men many years younger than myself can only lead to trouble, it seems. I'm not going to get into any relationship for a while, but I'm in an existential quandary. Should I stay single for the rest of my life? Get together with someone closer to my own age, but in a non-sexual relationship? Keep getting sucked into these abusive relationships? Everyone seems to say I have a lot to offer, but I just can't see having a relationship with someone to whom I'm not attracted. I'm rarely attracted to men my age, except the occasional man such as Colton Ford...

 

My opinions:

1. Don't stay single for the rest of your life. What's the appeal to that? Who thinks on their death bed "I wish I'd been single"?

2. A non-sexual relationship? Doesn't sound like much fun.

3. Don't put yourself in another abusive relationship. Yes, you're putting yourself in them. You seem like a nice and generous guy but don't be a doormat. Many worthwhile men are turned off by men who let themselves be taken advantage of. You do all the things you've outlined for the most recent man toy and even after its over you're driving him and some other strange dude to the car rental center, let him come to your home on Christmas day, let him leave his stuff until February and I suspect will pay his traffic tickets for his birthday.

4. Don't assume a younger and attractive man won't like you unless you overwhelm them with gifts and financial support. You sound like you have a lot to offer someone and you mention friends so you obviously have others that think well of you. I suggest you be more financially restrained for a number of months in your next relationship until you're sure the other man is attracted to you for more than primarily your money.

5. Don't assume you can't have it all. You go through life ONCE. You have financial resources so you've worked hard in your life. Put as much effort into finding the right man and I suspect you'll succeed. And don't forget - sometimes the most appealing men want/expect a man they'll be interested in to be a man/have standards/have limits/stand up for themselves.

 

If you don't like any of my input or think I shouldn't have provided it, its your fault because you asked!

[Rudynate]

The fact that men like Colton Ford are the only ones you find yourself attracted to means that you have allowed yourself to be deceived by the sexual marketplace, which perpetuates the myth that all gay men have 42-inch chests, 30-inch waists and single-digit body fat and that they all have partners that also look like that and that they are madly in love with each other. You are a victim of unreasonably inflated expectations.

[jimboivyo]

this isn't heart wrenching. it's over expectation

[bigvalboy]

My opinions:

1. Don't stay single for the rest of your life. What's the appeal to that? Who thinks on their death bed "I wish I'd been single"?

2. A non-sexual relationship? Doesn't sound like much fun.

3. Don't put yourself in another abusive relationship. Yes, you're putting yourself in them. You seem like a nice and generous guy but don't be a doormat. Many worthwhile men are turned off by men who let themselves be taken advantage of. You do all the things you've outlined for the most recent man toy and even after its over you're driving him and some other strange dude to the car rental center, let him come to your home on Christmas day, let him leave his stuff until February and I suspect will pay his traffic tickets for his birthday.

4. Don't assume a younger and attractive man won't like you unless you overwhelm them with gifts and financial support. You sound like you have a lot to offer someone and you mention friends so you obviously have others that think well of you. I suggest you be more financially restrained for a number of months in your next relationship until you're sure the other man is attracted to you for more than primarily your money.

5. Don't assume you can't have it all. You go through life ONCE. You have financial resources so you've worked hard in your life. Put as much effort into finding the right man and I suspect you'll succeed. And don't forget - sometimes the most appealing men want/expect a man they'll be interested in to be a man/have standards/have limits/stand up for themselves.

 

If you don't like any of my input or think I shouldn't have provided it, its your fault because you asked!

 

+1 on 1-5

[+ purplekow]

Come on, purplekow. You may be overstating. Many young peeople grow out of that stage in their lives.

The ones that outgrow it, do not measure up to the insensitivity of this man. Christmas party invite, leaves his partner waiting for hours and shows up with another guy so he can be given money and driven to a care rental place. You do not outgrow that kind of jackassery. So I stand by my statement that the kind of irresponsibility that he is describing does not go away. Immaturity may pass, this is not that. This is ingrained.

 

PSS Let me say again how hot Colton Ford is. That may be so much media hype but he is an example of what hard work and dedication can do for your body. Not everyone, in fact almost no one can do it or wants to do it, but still it is a form of living artwork.

[+ WilliamM]

1. Don't stay single for the rest of your life. What's the appeal to that? Who thinks on their death bed "I wish I'd been single"?

 

Answer: Perhaps Zsa Zsa Gabor who will be 99-years old soon. Her daughter died this year. So her only close relative is her wacky husband. Zsa Zsa may wonder if she married once too often. Her sisters did not have any children.

[Rudynate]

Not everyone, in fact almost no one can do it or wants to do it, but still it is a form of living artwork.

 

When you love doing it, it's not that hard.

[+ WilliamM]

The ones that outgrow it, do not measure up to the insensitivity of this man. Christmas party invite, leaves his partner waiting for hours and shows up with another guy so he can be given money and driven to a care rental place. You do not outgrow that kind of jackassery. So I stand by my statement that the kind of irresponsibility that he is describing does not go away.

 

As much as I like Unicorn, as in real life divorces or separations, we are only hearing one side of the story. Also, I would hate to be judged based on knowlege of two days in my live in my early 30s. I had a drinking problem back then.

 

Unicorn: This really does not really apply to you directly.

[+ purplekow]

As much as I like Unicorn, as in real life divorces or separations, we are only hearing one side of the story. Also, I would hate to be judged based on knowlege of two days in my live in my early 30s. I had a drinking problem back then.

 

Unicorn: This really does not really apply to you directly.

You are right, he is probably a lovely person who happened to forget the party and was just showing a stranger to our shores the way to Los Angeles.

[+ Truereview]

Sheeeshhhhh...could we focus back on Uni and not his dick ex? Does the ex really need this much of our attention? I'm over him and I've never met the guy