Coming Out Late in Life

[+ glennnn]

Well, I'm not sure "to alleviate my guilt" seems like a compelling reason to me. I would rather have heard "to finally be completely honest with my wife, who deserves to know the truth after all of these years" as the reason. This information is bound to hurt your wife's feelings. Yes, hopefully if you come out, you may live a happier, more honest life, and feel better about yourself. But I would go about this in a very apologetic manner. I don't envy your task. There will, of course, be negative as well as positive consequences. I obviously don't know your wife, so I have no idea if she will ever forgive you, but I would suspect that anger might be one of the first emotions she experiences.

 

Yeah. That's kind of what I meant... I have no real reason to continue to seek out men, to destroy my wife by telling her, to rock the boat. No reasons ... except for selfish ones based on my needs. I should just grow a pair, suck it up and uphold the promise I made when we got married 48 years ago. Right? It's going to hurt her. She loses; I win?

[gallahadesquire]

I don't think anyone else has said it, but usually people will say: Your wife probably knows already. So might your kids, in all likelihood.

 

Just make sure when you tell your wife / kids that it's not their fault, that you still love them, but that your sexuality is taking hold. And, as a physician, I shall remind you: Your sexuality is a perfectly reasonable part of who you are. Do not deny it. Realize it and live it.

 

And best of luck. Even though I don't know her, I think your wife will not be accusatory. Be good with her and make sure she is taken care of.

And who knows ... she may have had a bit of mischief of her own over the years.

 

My own history: I was never "out" to anyone at work [in medicine]. They all knew, it was never discussed, and were terribly supportive. Occasionally, they gave me grief about it,

but all in good jest. And that was 10-20 years ago, albeit in Massachusetts, where we're already pretty liberal to start.

 

And I second the proposal for a therapist. A good one will be non-judgmental and supportative.

 

Having been out and around for 46 of my 64 years, I'm hard put to get a good glimpse on your situation, for which I apologize.

[+ purplekow]

Yeah. That's kind of what I meant... I have no real reason to continue to seek out men, to destroy my wife by telling her, to rock the boat. No reasons ... except for selfish ones based on my needs. I should just grow a pair, suck it up and uphold the promise I made when we got married 48 years ago. Right? It's going to hurt her. She loses; I win?

Glennn for how long have you been supressing these feelings about men and what made you finally act on it? You are a different man than you were 48 years ago. You mad a promise and it seems to me, at great personal cost you kept that promise. The easy thing is to keep doing what you are doing. The difficult thing is to live a life that is honest. It does not seem to me that you want to be the kind of man who is sneaking around behind his wife's back.

[+ glennnn]

Glennn for how long have you been supressing these feelings about men and what made you finally act on it? You are a different man than you were 48 years ago. You mad a promise and it seems to me, at great personal cost you kept that promise. The easy thing is to keep doing what you are doing. The difficult thing is to live a life that is honest. It does not seem to me that you want to be the kind of man who is sneaking around behind his wife's back.

 

And there you have it. I am an ethical man, a good, kind, loving husband and father. I have kept my vow for 48 years, and don't want to be released from it now. I love my family. On the other hand, I am living a lie. Thanks everyone. I've really opened up here, and it is time for some professional help. I emailed several psychiatrists tonight looking for one with room for a new patient.

 

You guys are wonderful, and remind me why I LOVE MEN.

[rvwnsd]

glennnn,

 

I happen to facilitate a men's coming out group. At this late hour, here's what I can think of off the top of my head:

1. The only person you need to come out to is yourself. Everyone else is optional.
   
2. There is no timetable for coming out.
   
3. Don't beat yourself up over or feel guilty about "living a lie." People often do things for what seem to be great reasons at the time, only to change their minds later. That's OK.
   
4. Find the closest LGBT center and inquire about support groups for men who are coming out. Don't worry about being the oldest guy there. We have a guy who is in his 80's who engages with everyone.
   
5. If or when you come out to someone, you are giving them the gift of knowing who you really are. What they choose to do with that gift is entirely up to them.
   
6. This is a quote from one of our former members: "What other people think of you is none of your business." Think about what that means. I think it is absolutely brilliant.
   

I will try to come up with some additional information and resources for you in the morning. You have a tough, liberating, roller coaster of a journey ahead of you. Savor every moment of it.

[+ FreshFluff]

The only real reason to tell my wife is to alleviate my guilt about my once and future infidelities should they happen, and I'm thinking they will, because I need intimate contact with a man so badly. So, it's an internal, personal battle I must face. Right! Right?

 

Do you think your wife suspects anything? She probably won't be accusatory, but she will likely feel hurt and and abandoned. Can you honestly reassure her that you still love her and want to stay with her? If you can, be prepared to spend more time with her so she knows you won't start spending all your time with guys.

 

Unicorn, as well as others, have given good advice.

[+ FreshFluff]

I emailed several psychiatrists tonight looking for one with room for a new patient.

 

You guys are wonderful, and remind me why I LOVE MEN.

 

Glad you've started the search for a therapist.

 

This is indeed a great place. But there are several women here too.

[rvwnsd]

A few additional thoughts from the real-life annals of the coming out group:

 

... I have no real reason...to destroy my wife by telling her, to rock the boat....

 

As another poster mentioned, your wife might already think you are gay. I don't want to say she, or anyone besides yourself, "knows" because "knowledge" is based on acquiring facts and she will not have the facts unless/until you give them to her.

 

There are some reasons to and not to tell her. On the "tell her" side, I can think of the following:

 

• It will relieve some of the pressure off of you
  
• It will eliminate the need to hide part of yourself from your wife and be "you" with her
  
• It will give her the opportunity to decide whether she wants to remain married to you
  
• If she already suspects something, she will know what's up and can deal with facts instead of supposition
  
• If she already suspects something, she is likely dealing with some pretty strong emotions and having this knowledge might help her work through those emotions
  

On the "don't tell her" side, I can offer the following:

• Her reaction might add some different pressure on you
  
• It could result in the end of your marriage
  
• She might become angry, upset, or sad
  

No reasons... to continue to seek out men, except for selfish ones based on my needs.

There is nothing selfish about fulfilling your own needs. The word "selfish" has guilt and shame associated with it. Stop using it.

 

I should just grow a pair, suck it up and uphold the promise I made when we got married 48 years ago. Right?

 

Let me ask you this: pretend for a moment that your wife is a closeted lesbian. Would you want her to deny herself the ability to have satisfying physical relationships with other women or just suck it up and be miserable?

 

It's going to hurt her. She loses; I win?

 

It isn't quite that simple. There is no "winner" or "loser" here. You are going through the same emotional roller coaster that she might (well, will) go through if and when you come out to her. I suspect you will both go through the hurt, sense of loss, and sadness together.

 

And there you have it. I am an ethical man, a good, kind, loving husband and father. I have kept my vow for 48 years, and don't want to be released from it now. I love my family. On the other hand, I am living a lie....

 

I believe you when you say you are ethical, good, kind, and loving. My question to you is "do you believe it?"

 

Please stop the talk about "living a lie." You are not lying unless someone asks you whether you are gay and you tell them "no," but that's not what we are talking about here.

 

Thanks everyone. I've really opened up here...

 

You are welcome. Hang in there.

 

and it is time for some professional help. I emailed several psychiatrists tonight looking for one with room for a new patient.

 

Good for you for recognizing the value in professional help. May I suggest something? Instead of a psychiatrist, I suggest seeking a therapist who is a psychologist, an MFT, or a LCSW. I VERY strongly recommend finding a therapist who specializes in, or at least has experience in, working with gay, bisexual, and/or questioning men as well as men who are in the process of coming out. In a previous post, I suggested finding the closest LGBT center. In addition to joining a coming out group, which will not only help you open up in a safe environment but will also provide you with a support network, an LGBT center can provide names of gay and gay-friendly therapists. They might also have on-staff therapists.

You guys are wonderful, and remind me why I LOVE MEN.

 

To echo the sentiment expressed by FreshFluff (who is one of the most insightful people on this forum) there is a large handful of women on this forum. My female friends were some of my most ardent supporters during my coming out journey. Please don't discount the value of women during your coming out process. You might find that a woman's point of view is helpful when relating to your wife as you navigate through your journey.

 

Hang in there, bud. Please feel free to PM me if you would like.

 

rvw

[+ glennnn]

Oh Gees,

Foot in mouth much? I am delighted to know there are women in this forum and would very much like to have their input. In fact, out of all the people in my life now, the one I could most likely be honest with right now is my best female friend.... but my heart does start to race as I even type that.

 

I did not mean to denigrate women. Thanks to everyone. It's just that I've never had these deep, revelatory conversations with a man (or men) before, and it is really cool.

 

That strange creaking sound you hear is my consciousness being raised.

[+ glennnn]

A few additional thoughts from the real-life annals of the coming out group:

 

 

 

As another poster mentioned, your wife might already think you are gay. I don't want to say she, or anyone besides yourself, "knows" because "knowledge" is based on acquiring facts and she will not have the facts unless/until you give them to her.

 

There are some reasons to and not to tell her. On the "tell her" side, I can think of the following:

 

• It will relieve some of the pressure off of you
  
• It will eliminate the need to hide part of yourself from your wife and be "you" with her
  
• It will give her the opportunity to decide whether she wants to remain married to you
  
• If she already suspects something, she will know what's up and can deal with facts instead of supposition
  
• If she already suspects something, she is likely dealing with some pretty strong emotions and having this knowledge might help her work through those emotions
  

On the "don't tell her" side, I can offer the following:

• Her reaction might add some different pressure on you
  
• It could result in the end of your marriage
  
• She might become angry, upset, or sad
  

 

There is nothing selfish about fulfilling your own needs. The word "selfish" has guilt and shame associated with it. Stop using it.

 

 

 

Let me ask you this: pretend for a moment that your wife is a closeted lesbian. Would you want her to deny herself the ability to have satisfying physical relationships with other women or just suck it up and be miserable?

 

 

 

It isn't quite that simple. There is no "winner" or "loser" here. You are going through the same emotional roller coaster that she might (well, will) go through if and when you come out to her. I suspect you will both go through the hurt, sense of loss, and sadness together.

 

 

 

I believe you when you say you are ethical, good, kind, and loving. My question to you is "do you believe it?"

 

Please stop the talk about "living a lie." You are not lying unless someone asks you whether you are gay and you tell them "no," but that's not what we are talking about here.

 

 

 

You are welcome. Hang in there.

 

 

 

Good for you for recognizing the value in professional help. May I suggest something? Instead of a psychiatrist, I suggest seeking a therapist who is a psychologist, an MFT, or a LCSW. I VERY strongly recommend finding a therapist who specializes in, or at least has experience in, working with gay, bisexual, and/or questioning men as well as men who are in the process of coming out. In a previous post, I suggested finding the closest LGBT center. In addition to joining a coming out group, which will not only help you open up in a safe environment but will also provide you with a support network, an LGBT center can provide names of gay and gay-friendly therapists. They might also have on-staff therapists.

 

 

To echo the sentiment expressed by FreshFluff (who is one of the most insightful people on this forum) there is a large handful of women on this forum. My female friends were some of my most ardent supporters during my coming out journey. Please don't discount the value of women during your coming out process. You might find that a woman's point of view is helpful when relating to your wife as you navigate through your journey.

 

Hang in there, bud. Please feel free to PM me if you would like.

 

rvw

As a newbie I don't know how to PM you, but would really like to.

[+ WilliamM]

Oh Gees,

Foot in mouth much? I am delighted to know there are women in this forum and would very much like to have their input. In fact, out of all the people in my life now, the one I could most likely be honest with right now is my best female friend.... but my heart does start to race as I even type that.

 

I did not mean to denigrate women. Thanks to everyone. It's just that I've never had these deep, revelatory conversations with a man (or men) before, and it is really cool.

 

That strange creaking sound you hear is my consciousness being raised.

 

Absolutely PM rvwsd, and think about talking with your close female friend. You have emailed some therapists, so will likely get an appointment soon. You are at high point now because things have gone well here. You may be tempted to talk to your wife now, instead of later. If that is the next step, think very, very carefully first.

[+ FreshFluff]

You are at high point now because things have gone well here. You may be tempted to talk to your wife now, instead of later. If that is the next step, think very, very carefully first.

 

Very insightful advice. You want to think carefully about timing and wording.

[+ purplekow]

And there you have it. I am an ethical man, a good, kind, loving husband and father. I have kept my vow for 48 years, and don't want to be released from it now. I love my family. On the other hand, I am living a lie. Thanks everyone. I've really opened up here, and it is time for some professional help. I emailed several psychiatrists tonight looking for one with room for a new patient.

 

You guys are wonderful, and remind me why I LOVE MEN.

Just make sure that you meet with a psychotherapist who does actual counseling and not just a pill pusher

As a newbie I don't know how to PM you, but would really like to.

Go to the top of the page near your name, upper right hand corner. Click on inbox. Once in, click on start a conversation. Then put in the name or names to who you wish to write.

[+ FreshFluff]

Oh Gees, Foot in mouth much?

 

No offense taken at all!

 

As a newbie I don't know how to PM you, but would really like to.

 

To PM someone, click on their avatar photo (like my kitten) or their username. When you get the popup box below, click "Start a conversation."

http://s12.postimg.org/db5iw4nvx/Screen_Shot_2015_09_20_at_3_34_30_PM.png

[+ WmClarke]

There is nothing selfish about fulfilling your own needs. The word "selfish" has guilt and shame associated with it. Stop using it.

 

Wise words. The one thing I have somehow (miraculously) managed to do during my own discovery process (barely started) was not feel selfish or guilty. I just feel. And it's great.

 

 

Please stop the talk about "living a lie." You are not lying unless someone asks you whether you are gay and you tell them "no," but that's not what we are talking about here.

 

More wisdom. Great insight, rvw.

 

Additionally, I think I'll starting looking into some of the support groups you mentioned. I had never even realized such a thing existed.

 

 

Thanks to glennn for starting this thread! I have found it incredibly helpful.

[+ glennnn]

Wise words. The one thing I have somehow (miraculously) managed to do during my own discovery process (barely started) was not feel selfish or guilty. I just feel. And it's great.

 

 

 

 

More wisdom. Great insight, rvw.

 

Additionally, I think I'll starting looking into some of the support groups you mentioned. I had never even realized such a thing existed.

 

 

Thanks to glennn for starting this thread! I have found it incredibly helpful.

 

WmClarke,

 

Nice to be of service and delighted that all the support and wisdom shown here was useful to someone else, too. I'm going to spend some time putting it to use. Please take over the thread and ask your own questions even if you think you already have an answer. You may get a new pov and it may be important to others like us. These people are here for you, too. Let us know if you join a support group. All the best

[rvwnsd]

Oh Gees,

...In fact, out of all the people in my life now, the one I could most likely be honest with right now is my best female friend.... but my heart does start to race as I even type that....

 

I'm glad you have a friend to whom you can open up. Take your time. When you are ready to talk to her, talk to her. You will know when that time is. By the way...try to replace "be honest..." with the phrase "be myself..." There's no dishonesty here.

 

 

 

...That strange creaking sound you hear is my consciousness being raised.

 

I heard no such sound. Singing cherubs, yes, but no creaking.

[+ azdr0710]

glad to see all your insightful suggestions, RVW.....you are certainly helping more than just glennnn.....I see a moonlighting opportunity as a counselor!

[+ WilliamM]

You want to think carefully about timing and wording.

 

glennnn, I have been thinking about FreshFluff's comment and hiring escorts. This may be much too early to ask: Will you continue to hire escorts or look for a partner? You may not know the answer until 2016 or later. It's important though in the near future because in talking to your wife, you have to decide whether you tell her about sex with a man you met or an escort you hired as a life changing event. There is a difference, perhaps a big difference for your wife.

 

Frankly, I do not know what I would say.

[+ FreshFluff]

glad to see all your insightful suggestions, RVW.....you are certainly helping more than just glennnn.....I see a moonlighting opportunity as a counselor!

 

Definitely

[BaronArtz]

Do you think your wife suspects anything? She probably won't be accusatory, but she will likely feel hurt and and abandoned. Can you honestly reassure her that you still love her and want to stay with her? If you can, be prepared to spend more time with her so she knows you won't start spending all your time with guys.

 

Unicorn, as well as others, have given good advice.

 

That is a very good point. Somehow, my instincts tell me that women somehow 'feel' something is wrong, or they sense something has changed. I do not underestimate female intuition. They can pick up from small clues. Have you changed your hairstyle? Are you suddenly working out? Bought better clothes? Started trimming your pubes? Unexplained absences? I cannot begin to speculate, but my gut tells me that your wife may very well say 'I have always known', or 'I have known since X happened' or something like that ... The fact that your wife hasn't brought it up doesn't mean she doesn't know already. She just decided not to confront with you with it - for reasons that are entirely her own.

 

The follow-up questions are equally important. Do you intend to stay with your wife? Are you planning on seeing more guys after you tell her? Here is my view: spouses don't need to know everything. Your situation is similar to somebody who is married to a woman and has an affair with another woman. Confessing to your wife has the risk of completely breaking up your marriage. Is it worth it? Can you keep seeing guys discreetly and safely? It may be the better option to not say anything. That is what I would do.

[seaboy4hire]

Glennn, I can't offer anything that hasn't areafy been said unfortunately. But I do want to wish you the best on this new journey.

 

Hugs,

Greg

[+ glennnn]

Glennn, I can't offer anything that hasn't areafy been said unfortunately. But I do want to wish you the best on this new journey.

 

Hugs,

Greg

It's okay. Thanks for the support. I'm kind of terrified and excited, too. I start some sessions with a counselor tomorrow.

[+ glennnn]

Thanks to all of you who offered insight, love, warnings, support, laughs and tears, I have my first counseling session tomorrow for trying to figure out how to be a gay man.. . And retain some of the life I've lived as straight for over 70 years. I would never have even started without you.

 

Is it allowed for me to post updates here from time to time?

 

Love you all!

 

Glennnn

[Wolfer]

Yes, please keep us updated!