Those awkward questions we field for straight people

[+ quoththeraven]

It's so nice living in San Francisco and not having to deal with that sort of questions. The questions I get are much more 21st-century. My partner and I are completely on board with gay marriage, but at this point, it's just not for us. But, all the time, we hear, "When are you guys going to get married?" Even though straight people, all the time, for one reason, do not go down the path of marriage, it is assumed that, now that marriage is an option for gay couples, why wouldn't you do it?

 

And people ask us if we're considering children. Never mind the fact that we're both in our 60's. To me, not having to mindlessly start a family because it's expected of you and getting to live life for yourself has always been one of the great privileges of being gay. I know I have it completely backward from the conventional way straight people see it, but settling in and having children seems such a pointless thing to do with your life.

 

While it's true that being gay has historically obviated social pressure about having children, straight (or seemingly straight) people are not a monolith either. I know many women who don't want children. Some of them are married to or in long-term relationships with men. I used to be one of them!

 

That said, asking a couple who are both in their 60s if they're considering having children is kind of silly no matter what their gender or orientation.

 

When New Jersey first instituted domestic partnership for same-sex partners and older opposite-sex partners who'd see their Social Security benefits reduced if they married, my first thought was that same-sex couples were about to embrace a legal status that many opposite-sex couples were less inclined to enter into to begin with and that if they ended their relationship, they might well regret having formalized it because of all the red tape and expense of undoing it.

[Rudynate]

 

That said, asking a couple who are both in their 60s if they're considering having children is kind of silly no matter what their gender or orientation.

 

 

Thank you. But it's the double standard raising it's ugly head. Almost anyone would realize what a bone-headed question it was to ask a straight couple and wouldn't even ask. But since we're a gay couple, the standards for what is reasonable and/or polite are different.

 

It' just one of those things...It's not keeping me up at night.

[mike carey]

For better or worse, in Australia if you even seem to be in a co-dependent relationship, same or opposite sex, you are deemed to be partners. All the benefits and disadvantages of marriage apply. Being married makes no difference. It can even apply to siblings sharing a house.

[+ quoththeraven]

For better or worse, in Australia if you even seem to be in a co-dependent relationship, same or opposite sex, you are deemed to be partners. All the benefits and disadvantages of marriage apply. Being married makes no difference. It can even apply to siblings sharing a house.

 

That sounds like a de facto recognition of what in the US and England would be called common law marriage (which still exists in a few states) taken to the extreme of applying the concept to shared/common households.

 

Now that I think about it, that could complicate matters for same-sex couples in states that recognize common law marriage as well as same-sex marriage. As in if you've lived together openly for a number of years, share expenses, and hold yourselves out to be married -- which might involve merely identifying yourselves as spouses or husbands in the presence of a third party -- even though you're not, a partner to whose advantage it would be could claim you are married. I have no clue if there are any states that qualify, though.

[Rudynate]

That sounds like a de facto recognition of what in the US and England would be called common law marriage (which still exists in a few states) taken to the extreme of applying the concept to shared/common households.

 

Now that I think about it, that could complicate matters for same-sex couples in states that recognize common law marriage as well as same-sex marriage. As in if you've lived together openly for a number of years, share expenses, and hold yourselves out to be married -- which might involve merely identifying yourselves as spouses or husbands in the presence of a third party -- even though you're not, a partner to whose advantage it would be could claim you are married. I have no clue if there are any states that qualify, though.

 

 

California recognizes common-law marriages from states where common-law marriage is legal, but there is, otherwise, no common-law marriage in California.

[Guest]

While the top bottom issue certainly is high on the list of questions straight people ask, i think the number 1 question is: When did you know you were gay. Does anyone ever ask when you knew you were straight? Anyway, as a bi man. if people ask me when I figured out I was bi, my standard reply is: Any day now.

 

I don't think I've ever been asked whether I was a top or a bottom. Except maybe once by a comedian on a gay cruise. I think if anyone asked me, I would just act surprised and say "Wow, what a question to ask someone...".

[+ FreshFluff]

If you approach the idea of queer sex by asking 'well, who's the man/woman?', congratulations! You're blind to the idea of sexual equality.

By which I mean: you've already conceived of two distinct, binary, unequal roles & want to know what coinflip is used to put someone on top.

This is why queer relationships terrify bigots: if there's no difference in gender, then all chores/roles are negotiated, not innate drives.

Hence the need for bigots, especially sexually, to ask queer couples who the man is. Meaning: cui bono? Which one of you benefits most?

The idea that there are two equal beneficiaries - that sexual roles might be fluid & negotiated, not quietly assumed - is subversive.

 

Do people really ask gay couples who the woman is? In 2015? I rarely hear straights talk like this behind gay people's backs, let alone asking them to their faces.

 

I mean, if someone decked out in a Tom of Finland outfit is walking someone else on a leash, then I assume the one in the spiky collar is the sub. Otherwise, it just doesn't occur to me. I assumed, perhaps incorrectly, that most gay couples switch.

[+ purplekow]

Do people really ask gay couples who the woman is? In 2015? I rarely hear straights talk like this behind gay people's backs, let alone asking them to their faces.

 

I mean, if someone decked out in a Tom of Finland outfit is walking someone else on a leash, then I assume the one in the spiky collar is the sub. Otherwise, it just doesn't occur to me. I assumed, perhaps incorrectly, that most gay couples switch.

I think most gay couple like most couples have a whole bunch of sex at first, and then not so much sex thereafter. Perhaps not as bad as old married couple of different genders, but the pattern is probably similar. I would believe, as with most other couples, gay couples get comfortable with what works and so that there are probably fewer switchers than you might believe.

[+ purplekow]

I don't think I've ever been asked whether I was a top or a bottom. Except maybe once by a comedian on a gay cruise. I think if anyone asked me, I would just act surprised and say "Wow, what a question to ask someone...".

I would say: "Why? What do you have in mind?"