Guess who's not coming to dinner

[+ purplekow]

For many years my wife and I would go out to dinner weekly with a couple who were friends of mine before I met my wife. After her passing, I have continued to go dinner with them, once, sometimes twice a week. This has been going on for 12 years since her passing. These dinners had been pleasant encounters with stimulating conversation and they are a reminder or a happier time. Anecdotes about my wife are sometimes shared and I must admit to enjoying the old stories and occasionally hearing a new one.

Recently, for about 8 months or so, the woman's nephew moved in with them and he has been joining us at dinner. He is about 27 years old and I have never found his company enjoyable. We have little to nothing in common. He spends much of the dinner looking at his cell phone only to occasional break into any conversation with an internet picture or a viral video. His aunt usually is drawn into a discussion of the video or the picture, effectively ending any ongoing conversation.

I have tried to engage this young man in conversation. I have tried to interest myself in some of his computer generated pieces. Success has been minimal. The dinners are now more work than pleasure. Dinners which were stimulating and fun have become for me onerous and tiresome. I have been opting out more and more often.

I miss the dinners we used to have.

I had considered telling my friends of my chagrin regarding the presence of the nephew but this seems not only rude but also seems likely to end badly after all family is family.

Is honesty the best policy here? Other options?

[Guy Fawkes]

It sounds like they have been inviting you to dinner; You should invite them to dinner.

[Frequentflier]

Another idea might to hire a chef for the night and have him/her cook and serve at your house. If after you invite the attendees (not the nephew), they still show up with him he'll more likely go watch tv in your house after the main dinner is complete. Sort of weird he comes to the dinners unless his family is forcing him.

 

Or, if you asked the Aunt "your nephew seems like a nice young man (whether you believe that or not), does he enjoy hanging out with us at dinner?". If it was me and it came down to dinner with the nephew or no dinner I'm probably take a deep breadth and understand the nephew's going to be there. At some point I'd guess the nephew is going to have a boyfriend or girlfriend and not show up at the meals.

[+ Gar1eth]

The nephew doesn't sound like he would be that much fun to be around. But I have to ask. If he is usually zoned out into his own little cell phone/video world and only breaks into the conversation intermittently - is he really that hard to ignore? I realize he is messing up a time you have cherished over the years with your neighbors with pleasant memories of your wife and the good times all 4 of you shared. But again if for the most part he is in his own world, is it possible to ignore him? After all if you and neighbors are together for 3 or so hours - and the nephew only screws up 30 minutes or so of it...?

 

I'm not trying to criticize. I was just wondering whether changing your viewpoint a bit might allow you to continue the tradition with minimal irritation.

 

Gman

[Strafe13]

You said you and your late wife "would go out to dinner weekly" with the couple, and that you have since "continued to go [to] dinner with them". From that I assumed this was dinner out at a restaurant, but the tenor of the rest of your post led me to believe that the going "out" was your going to the couple's home for dinner, rather than with them out to dinner. If you're always going to their home, then a subtle way of avoiding the nephew is by just inviting just the couple to your home or out to dinner (i.e., "Hey John, why don't you and Barb join me at the XYZ Grill at 9 on Saturday night?"). That way, it'd be kind of presumptuous for them to just invite their nephew, and it'd likely just gradually phase him out.

 

But if you're already always going out, and they've been bringing the youngster along anyway, then I don't know how to solve this problem without a direct heart-to-heart. Perhaps you might start with the person you're closer to, or the one who's not the nephew's blood relative? Other than that, I can't think of anything else. Sorry.

[Lookin]

Perhaps you could slip him a poisoned crouton.

 

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[Guest]

I'm a bit confused. When the OP said they went out, I definitely assumed they were going to a restaurant or some other neutral territory. If that's the case, it would certainly seem reasonable to ask that it be just the three of them. I didn't get that the OP was going to the couple's place. If that's indeed what's happening, it would be the height of rudeness to suggest who may be invited to the table, and it also seems rather shocking that the OP never invites them over. Perhaps some responders are jumping to the conclusion that the OP is just being an ungrateful leech, however. We should hear from the OP before jumping to such conclusions.

[geoffk]

why would a 27 year old want to go to dinner with his aunt, uncle and friend? i would think he would rather stay home with a pizza or big mac, or bring him something home after dinner.

[EZEtoGRU]

My impression is that the nephew is being encouraged by his aunt and uncle to attend the dinners. Perhaps they are trying to get him to be more socially active.

 

My suggestion would be to say something to the couple that you would enjoy dinner again with just the three of you. I know......easier said than done.

 

Oh....and I do like Lookin's poison crouton suggestion. However I suggest that only as the last resort. LOL.

[+ purplekow]

To answer questions: We go out to dinner. The bill is always split equitably. I do not believe the aunt and uncle are encouraging him to come except in that they always pick up his portion of the bill. He also lives at their home rent free.

 

I would never presume to tell them to leave the nephew home, but I do not wish to continue having dinner so regularly if the nephew is going to be there. So my question really boils down to this: Since i am cutting back on these dinners, from once or twice a week to once or twice a month, should I be open about the reason or leave it unstated. As to the person who mentioned that the nephew will eventually find an alternative. He has brought along a girlfriend on one or two occasions.

[bigvalboy]

To answer questions: We go out to dinner. The bill is always split equitably. I do not believe the aunt and uncle are encouraging him to come except in that they always pick up his portion of the bill. He also lives at their home rent free.

 

I would never presume to tell them to leave the nephew home, but I do not wish to continue having dinner so regularly if the nephew is going to be there. So my question really boils down to this: Since i am cutting back on these dinners, from once or twice a week to once or twice a month, should I be open about the reason or leave it unstated. As to the person who mentioned that the nephew will eventually find an alternative. He has brought along a girlfriend on one or two occasions.

 

I'll chime in here for a second....well as I see it, I don't think that you have a lot of options. I can't imagine a conversation going smoothly, whereby you suggest that perhaps dinner would be more enjoyable minus the young man. I don't know how the aunt and uncle feel about the nephew coming. They may not care, but then again, it might be important to them that he is included... (BTW...he isn't cute by any chance is he? The nephew I mean.) I think it is one of those situations where it is "damn if you do and damn if you don't"

 

My only real suggestion would be, and this is a tough one, perhaps you could use humor to bring up your point, and I am not really sure how that would occur, since I do not know the personalities of the parties involved...good luck.

[+ Charlie]

It seems odd to me that the nephew wants to come along to dinner if he has little interest in the conversation. Or is he just socially inept and the phone is his way of trying to participate? Since you obviously have known this couple well for a very long time, why not ask them why he likes (?) to come along? Is it the free restaurant meal? Is he unwilling or unable to make his own meal at home? Did he behave the same way when he brought the girlfriend along? If you are spending less time with the couple anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about offending them by bringing up the subject. though without specifying your dislike of the nephew (you might say, "I really enjoyed our gettogethers more when it was just the three of us.")

[wayout]

Cut back on the dinners and if they ask be honest and say it is a bit awkward as you feel he is not enjoying the time so it is effecting your own enjoyment.

[+ deej]

I would never presume to tell them to leave the nephew home, but I do not wish to continue having dinner so regularly if the nephew is going to be there. So my question really boils down to this: Since i am cutting back on these dinners, from once or twice a week to once or twice a month, should I be open about the reason or leave it unstated.

 

You should be honest, IF THEY ASK. Don't make a habit of answering a question that hasn't been asked. There's no reason to volunteer the information, and it could come off as rude.

 

Heck, for all you know they might be bringing along the nephew to discourage your participation, in which case their ploy is working without THEM bearing the burden of disinviting you. It could be their passive-aggressive attempt to end up at "well, we *tried* to invite you".

[instudiocity]

You should be honest, IF THEY ASK. Don't make a habit of answering a question that hasn't been asked. There's no reason to volunteer the information, and it could come off as rude.

 

Heck, for all you know they might be bringing along the nephew to discourage your participation, in which case their ploy is working without THEM bearing the burden of disinviting you. It could be their passive-aggressive attempt to end up at "well, we *tried* to invite you".

 

I totally agree....

 

FYI, have you invited the nephew alone? Maybe you could 'educate' him. Or introduce him to an escort or two, so he can deal with his pent-up, um, immaturity.

[operalover21]

It sounds like they have been inviting you to dinner; You should invite them to dinner.

 

ABSOLUTELY!

 

Why did they think he had to be included in every dinner? I find that really really odd ... and why would he come? Doesn't he have his own life?

[operalover21]

To answer questions: We go out to dinner. The bill is always split equitably. I do not believe the aunt and uncle are encouraging him to come except in that they always pick up his portion of the bill. He also lives at their home rent free.

 

I would never presume to tell them to leave the nephew home, but I do not wish to continue having dinner so regularly if the nephew is going to be there. So my question really boils down to this: Since i am cutting back on these dinners, from once or twice a week to once or twice a month, should I be open about the reason or leave it unstated. As to the person who mentioned that the nephew will eventually find an alternative. He has brought along a girlfriend on one or two occasions.

 

Not to be unkind, but it doesn't sound like you're that close to these people. With my close friends, if something like this happened, I would have easily said "what's with the boring nephew on the cell phone?" And there wouldn't even remotely be a problem. Because we're close and real friends and real friends don't get their knickers in a twist over a friend saying something like that.

[+ blondeq]

I have been in a similar situation. A group of 5 friends (all aged mid 40's to mid 50's) have been doing regular monthly outings for years. 4 of the participants are coupled. The 5th (in his mid 50s) has always played the field. In the past year, the 5th has been bringing his steady BF who is 28 years his junior. Junior is a nice guy and very pleasant, however, I find anything beyond, "hi, how are you" to be forced on my part and I really don't enjoy time with him. I feel guilty for not embracing this new member more openly and quite frankly fantasize about the time when the 5th dumps him. I relate all this because I think that the best course of action for you is to NOT be honest. What purpose will a discussion with your friends serve? Best case, they will stop bringing their nephew, but likely harbor ill will. I say ride out for a few more months; with any luck the nephew will get a life and move on from the dinners.

[Rick Munroe]

Not to be unkind, but it doesn't sound like you're that close to these people. With my close friends, if something like this happened, I would have easily said "what's with the boring nephew on the cell phone?" And there wouldn't even remotely be a problem. Because we're close and real friends and real friends don't get their knickers in a twist over a friend saying something like that.

 

I have to agree. If they're really your friends, just be honest with them. Life's too short to worry about stuff like this anyway.

[+ Gar1eth]

I just think mentioning it would be awkward. I'm sure if the nephew is staying at his aunt and uncle's it's a money thing. And going out with them for meals, either he likes them a lot and or it's a money thing again. The problem is they may not mind his behavior. Or who knows maybe it irks them too but since he is staying with them, they don't want to rock the boat. I would still be the guy who either learns to accept or quits the dinners. But think about it- how long can the nephew really live there. It can't really be for over two years do you think? Something's going to have to happen - him finding a job- them throwing him out. In the long run it's a balance between how much you want to continue the relationship vs how uncomfortable you are with the present situation to endure it and whether you should stop it vs telling them the reason and possibly having them stop it or become awkward with you ( worst case scenarios).

 

Gman

[Lookin]

I say ride out for a few more months; with any luck the nephew will get a life and move on from the dinners.

 

This makes sense to me also. Taking in the nephew must be a life-changer for them too and your support may be helpful, as they supported you after your wife's passing.

 

As others have said, he probably won't be joining your dinners till the end of time and your understanding for a little while longer may be just what your good friends need.

 

In the meantime, maybe you can think of something to lighten the mood.

 

 

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