Shocking Suicide of Gay Therapist

[+ Lucky]

Here's one book that won't be published: http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2012/04/01/fashion/01THERAPIST4/01JPTHERAPIST4-articleInline.jpg

 

It's author committed suicide at the New Year, thwarting his plan to tell aging gay men how to find happiness. He had given a preview of the book in a blog post written in December:

 

Happy Holidays. The new year quickly approaches, have you made the list for what you want to change?

In 2012 I want to:

1. Take better care of myself.

2. Spend more time out of the house interacting and having fun.

3. Find happiness with getting older and stop lying about my age.

Do these sound like areas where you could improve? How often are we successful in keeping with these decisions? 2012 can be the year to make changes that actually stick. This time, your self-improvement process has support: the strategies I’ve created in The Right Side of Forty.

In our confusion on what it means to be over forty, we often resign ourselves to thinking that we are old. This increases our depression and inactivity. I’ve got a concise picture of what being over forty is about and it’s a great perspective filled with happiness, feeling sexy, possessing comfort relating to other men and taking good care of ourselves. This picture will get you results that flourish long-term.

 

 

Instead, his ex-lover went to his apartment in the Chelsea area of New York when patients reported that he was not there for their appointments. He was found with a plastic bag over his head. His papers were neatly laid out with instructions on what to do.

 

The Times article joins those perplexed at how a seemingly happy man who encouraged others to find happiness ended his life so abruptly at the age of 49. Had he thought his good looks were running out? That's one theory.

Mostly, however, his death seems inexplicable. For a guy who seemed to be facing 2012 positive and upbeat, his friends, family, and patients are simply left to wonder.

 

At the moment, his blog is still up: http://bobbergeron.com/

 

Read more: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/01/fashion/the-life-and-death-of-the-therapist-bob-bergeron.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&hp

 

 

 

[JT Brooklyn]

Sad indeed. His Book actually might have helped some with the AGING process. Although "Straight or Gay" AGING ain't pretty BUT you deal with it!

[+ FreshFluff]

Many blog commenters don't have much sympathy for him, but I do. This is what women have been going through since the dawn of time.

 

According to the NYT article, he didn't have any (visible) signs of depression. A good friend of his says he was highly anxious about the success of his book, which he had hoped would make him a star.

[zeyfur]

Sad story. RIP.

[bigvalboy]

These kinds of stories always bring such sadness to me. I have a hard time understanding suicide. It always seems to me that if just one or two people could have reached out, then perhaps this brillant light would not have been put out so soon.

[CowboyUp]

Thanks for sharing this tragic and ironic story. I'm sad that he didn't feel life was worth sticking around for. Just curious, have there been any empirical studies to determine whether suicide is more or less prevalent among LGBT people compared to the heterosexual population? Just curious.

[OneFinger]

...I have a hard time understanding suicide. It always seems to me that if just one or two people could have reached out, then perhaps this brillant light would not have been put out so soon.

 

I have a hard time NOT understanding suicide.

 

If I were terminally ill I would much prefer suicide rather than living with the disease. Likewise, when life is no longer bringing me long-term happiness then I'd consider suicide.

 

That being said, I'm not one that would off myself without considerable reflection. It's certainly not something I'd do based on a single problem. However, I firmly believe that suicide and assisted suicide are reasonable alternatives.

[BaronArtz]

I agree with assisted suicide, not with suicide. While I respect anybody's opinion on this deeply personal matter, I believe that the system used in The Netherlands, where this is legal, merits a further look. By Dutch law, you need the consent of 2 different medical doctors. In addition, medical doctors have an annual quota of patients they can assist in this manner. This is to avoid doctors making money as 'Dr Death' by giving their consent too liberally.

 

 

 

I have a hard time NOT understanding suicide.

 

If I were terminally ill I would much prefer suicide rather than living with the disease. Likewise, when life is no longer bringing me long-term happiness then I'd consider suicide.

 

That being said, I'm not one that would off myself without considerable reflection. It's certainly not something I'd do based on a single problem. However, I firmly believe that suicide and assisted suicide are reasonable alternatives.

[+ glutes]

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem*

 

*this does not apply to the terminally ill, or those in intractable physical pain*

[BaronArtz]

I found it troubling reading about this suicide. I didn't know this person, and I don't know what drove him over the cliff, but his public personal seems to be a handsome, charming 40-year old gay male. At first, I was perplexed about why somebody like that could possibly have had self esteem issues, as the New York Times article referred to. May he rest in peace. Then I thought, hey, I am a 40+ year old gay male with an online persona on a gay hook up site - and it's not totally truthful either. It made me think about what I was doing there. Reading this post made me delete this profile, because it was not entirely truthful to who I am. I should learn to be totally honest with myself, with others, and accept myself for who I am. So, if anything positive can come out of this, thank you, Lucky, for posting this and for helping me make the right decision.

[seeker630]

Thanks for sharing this tragic and ironic story. I'm sad that he didn't feel life was worth sticking around for. Just curious, have there been any empirical studies to determine whether suicide is more or less prevalent among LGBT people compared to the heterosexual population? Just curious.

 

I would think such a study would be difficult, since the sexuality of victims is not routinely reported and may well be unknown, if they are closeted and do not refer to sexuality in a suicide note.

 

But that doesn't mean someone hasn't estimated it.

[jjkrkwood]

I can totally understand suicide. Its the road travelled when you "believe" every other" road available to you has been washed away in some storm. Its your only way out, and the only way you can find "Peace". Yes, I agree with BVB about reaching out, but you can only reach out to someone IF you know there is a problem. Sometimes on the surface, you wont see any, and its the "inner turmoil" that beats the person down. Of course we all know suicide is not the answer, but for the victim it seems to be "at that moment". The survivors are left to mourn and wonder. In cases of terminal illness, its TOTALLY understandable to me. In cases of Aging, where our society has "inflicted" on us the importance and NEED for youth, and those who have depended to their youth and "looks" for their professions and to "pull them thru" life, the perception that those things are GONE is a rude awakening for them. "What do they do NOW "? They no longer have their "shield" and coping mechanism. People wont want or Love them. On the surface, it all makes sense, however for those of us looking in, seemingly foreign. However let us not judge. Eternal Peace to those who have fallen victim.

[+ nycman]

I believe in suicide.

I believe in assisted suicide

I believe in group suicide

I believe in suicide by proxy

I believe in jumping off the top of a Ferris wheel just because you didn't like the view

I believe in blowing your head off because you missed the 99 cent sale at Wal-Mart this week

Hell, I think cyanide capsules should be for sale at CVS without a prescription

 

Fuck it. It's your life. It's up to you. End it whenever you want. Period.

 

Everything else is freakish encroachment on personal liberty.

 

PS I have been told I have extreme views on this topic.....grin

 

PPS The dude in this story is fucking brilliant!

[rvwnsd]

I find it sad Bob Bergeron chose to commit suicide. I do not, however, find it surprising that he had self-esteem issues and chose to deal with them in this manner. It seems that Mr. Bergeron felt we are broken and need to be fixed. Certainly no one is perfect, but what is wrong with accepting ourselves for who we are? It seems to me if we constantly focus on changing ourselves we will never focus on accepting and loving ourselves. If we don't accept and love ourselves, how can we expect others to do the same?

 

I hope he has found the peace he was looking for. I also hope his suicide serves as a warning bell to others who participate in the endless race to change who they are.

[bcohen7719]

Thanks for sharing this tragic and ironic story. I'm sad that he didn't feel life was worth sticking around for. Just curious, have there been any empirical studies to determine whether suicide is more or less prevalent among LGBT people compared to the heterosexual population? Just curious.

 

Yes, there have been. You can find these by going to "Google Scholar" and

searching under "gay suicide." I would restrict the studies to those published after 2010, but you can play around with that paramter. "Google Scholar" is very easy to use.

 

BC

[bcohen7719]

Below is a review/commentary on literature relating on gay suicide from a reputable academic journal from Oxford University Press

 

A snippet is also provided. From my own readings, I believe most of the research is on gay suicide in youth/adolescence; a bit more in early adulthood; almost none in older midlife or 60+ years.

 

Publication of this book was cancelled, by the way.

 

BC

 

http://ije.oxfordjournals.org/content/40/4/1081.short

 

_________________________________________________

 

Commentary: Being gay in straight places—exploring density effects on the mental health of homosexual and bisexual populations

 

Rob Whitley

 

+ Author Affiliations

 

Douglas Mental Health University Institute, McGill University, Montreal, Quebec H4H 1R3, Canada. E-mail: [email protected]

 

Accepted April 4, 2011.

 

Evidence is irrefutable that homosexuals and bisexuals suffer higher rates of psychiatric disorder, substance abuse, suicide and deliberate self-harm than heterosexuals.1 Research hitherto has focused almost solely on individual-level risk factors that may explain the excess of such psychiatric morbidity in homosexual and bisexual populations. Common factors explored include stigma, social isolation, prejudice and discrimination.2,3 The paper from Hatzenbueler, Keyes and McLaughlin4 is to be commended for advancing scholarship on the mental health of homosexuals and bisexuals in diverse manners.

 

First, they measured contextual-level factors and link this to psychiatric outcomes, namely whether a higher density of same-sex couples modifies risk for mental illness among homosexuals and bisexuals. This is a welcome development, shifting the focus away from traditional risk factor epidemiology to a more modern multi-level approach. Secondly, through this design and conceptualization, they were able to focus on resiliency and protective factors, shifting the pathological gaze that is often disparagingly fixed on homosexual and bisexual populations. Thirdly, they examined the interaction between a protective factor (density of same-sex couples) and risk factors (namely social isolation and economic adversity), as such testing both a main effect and a buffering hypothesis for the above-named protective factor.

 

Hatzenbueler et al.4 found that homosexual and bisexual respondents living in states with a …

[Full Text of this Article]

[bcohen7719]

...and for those who don't have to time to read.

 

BC

 

[video=youtube;qjmLgL1kvSs]

[leigh.bess.toad]

I am so saddened by this story. And by someone who had no doubt helped many other men through crises is even more troubling.

 

But I understand where he was. I have been there. As I come up on my 2 year anniversary of my 5 days in the psych ward because I was so suicidal. As I've said, it was 5 days of my life I would never want to repeat, but 5 days of my life I can't imagine living without. I was so horribly in the closet I could see no way out. But I didn't recognize that was what it was. But it was in group there that I met my first LGBT person. A lesbian who talked about her wife. And in spite of her problems, it certainly made me think. Two months after discharge, I started to explore my long-neglected sexuality. Three months after that I came out. To my wife. And in spite of the problems it has raised, I have never been happier or more content and at peace in my life.

 

I cringe at thinking about what I would have missed. This forum and its members, both escort and client, who have become my second family. And now the great love of my life -- my bf/partner. I see that suicide is, in many ways, such a selfish act. I certainly support assisted suicide for those who are terminal or in such intractable pain that can never be relieved. But for so many, who see no way out, as I didn't, there is hope, there is help. Especially for so many of our LGBT youth. The "It Gets Better" project is so important to get that message out.

 

I am reminded of the story Leo told Josh on the West Wing:

 

A man falls down a hole. A doctor walks by. "Hey doc", the guy calls. "I'd down this hole. Can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on.

 

A priest walks by. "Hey father. I'm down this hole. Can you help me out?" The priest writes a prayer and throws it into the hole.

 

Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me. I'm down in this hole. Can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole.

 

He looks at his friend and says "What in the hell are you doing? Now we're both down in this hole".

 

And his friend says "Yes, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out".

 

For so many, there is a way out. It is ironic that Bob Bergeron didn't believe that. He should have. More than anyone. Because he was that way out for so many. It is sad he felt he had no one to help him out of his hole.

 

Truly sad.

[nate_sf]

I found this part of the story revealing and also troubling and sad:

 

"Olivier Van Doorne, a patient of Mr. Bergeron and the creative director of SelectNY, a fashion advertising firm, recalled Mr. Bergeron telling him that every gay man peaks at one point in his life.

 

“He said a number of times: ‘I peaked when I was 30 or 35. I was super-successful, everyone looked at me, and I felt extremely cool in my sexuality.’ ” "

I think the idea that someone would peak, then decline is really damaging and it's unfortunate if he really believed that. Sure, people may peak physically at one time or another, but mentally may "peak" at a different time, reach a career peak at another time, and personal relationships another time. Here in SF I know a number of older gay men who live enviable lives, and although they might complain they are not at their physical peak they have reached impressive milestones and achievements in their lives. But also falling on their faces along the way, which it sounds like Mr. Bergeron was also concerned about.

[JT Brooklyn]

There is a very interesting Article over on Muscle Service concerning this very Tragic Story.

 

It's located in the Muscle Forums..Open Topic...Upbeat Gay Therapist is the Heading..

[bcohen7719]

There is a very interesting Article over on Muscle Service concerning this very Tragic Story.

 

It's located in the Muscle Forums..Open Topic...Upbeat Gay Therapist is the Heading..

 

 

BG:

 

Can you provide a link? I'm very interested in this case.

 

BC

[+ Lucky]

Gay men do have unique issues to face with aging. Many of them are the same as heterosexuals, but we live in a gay society that praises youth and beauty, puts it on a pedestal. So, when gay men age, they get squeezed out of the group that is most desirable to other gays. If you don't believe me, then just look at the pictures we post and the ages of the escorts we hire. Older gay men become invisible to younger gay men. It's an adjustment period, and some adjust easier than others. The therapist was a bodybuilder, considered handsome and desirable, but he had just turned 49. In my mind, a successful book could have given him a prominent position in gay life, so he had a lot to look forward to. His death was such a selfish act, leaving his patients, friends, and family in the lurch.

[jjkrkwood]

Gay men do have unique issues to face with aging. Many of them are the same as heterosexuals, but we live in a gay society that praises youth and beauty, puts it on a pedestal. So, when gay men age, they get squeezed out of the group that is most desirable to other gays. If you don't believe me, then just look at the pictures we post and the ages of the escorts we hire. Older gay men become invisible to younger gay men. It's an adjustment period, and some adjust easier than others. The therapist was a bodybuilder, considered handsome and desirable, but he had just turned 49. In my mind, a successful book could have given him a prominent position in gay life, so he had a lot to look forward to. His death was such a selfish act, leaving his patients, friends, and family in the lurch.

 

If the victims really stopped to consider the effects of their acts on others, they might not have proceeded. YES, its selfish, but an act of desperation which is often decided after endless time enduring pain, physical or emotional. Its not a rational mind making the decision, merely a tortured one. Unfortunately we cant turn back time, nor put oursleves in the minds of the victims. Let them rest in peace now.

[JT Brooklyn]

BG:

 

Can you provide a link? I'm very interested in this case.

 

BC

 

Unfortunately Links do not work from what I have seen. You have to sign up..which can take some time..

 

It's an article from the NYTIMES 04/01/2012 Fashion Section...

[josephga]

I can understand why someone would take their life. when you are in pain you just want it to go away caught in the moment you don't think or to be honest really care how's it's going to effect others. I think it's even tougher when you are gay. depending on the city you live in some places don't have allot of support. I've seen some gay men treat each other allot worse than anyone str8 ever could.