Advice Needed

[wayout]

Looking for some advice from members here for two related issues I am struggling with. Background is that after many years of being out of a relationship I met someone and am quickly (perhaps too quickly, it's been only a few months since we met) moving into a serious relationship where we may end up as partners in the not too distant future.

 

First issue, should I be upfront with my significant other about hiring escorts in the past? Not an inconsequential part of my history as I've been hiring for many years so there has been quite a few escorts I've hired. We've discussed past relationships in general but I haven't brought up this specific aspect of my life. I suspect it will be received negatively on his part but not saying anything seems like I am ashamed of it (which I am not).

 

Second issue, does anyone believe there is a way to keep hiring after entering a committed relationship without damaging the relationship, even if both people tacitly agree to the practice? And I can't imagine my potential partner would be into a threesome, which would solve the issue.

 

I am sure both issues may be difficult to answer without knowing the personalities and beliefs/values of the individuals involved but I still would be interested to know opinions and if anyone here has faced these issues before.

[robberbaron4u]

Why undertake to shoot yourself in the foot before the race has commenced? Apparently, you are apprised that these revelations will be met with disapproval by your new "partner", and, of course, if you do undertake to reveal them, the revelation will serve no other purpose than to create lingering suspicion in his mind, a slow and fatal poison to any relationship: no, and, no.

[leigh.bess.toad]

Wayout. You're singing my song. Because I've been exactly where you are. I'm not sure I would recommend you do what I did, but long before my now partner and I got serious, I told him I hired. Like on our 3rd or 4th date. Many friends advised against it - rather vehemently actually. But I felt if the relationship was going to last I knew I had to be honest with him about everything. Ohviously the fact we are still together says he didn't have a problem. He knew it was part of me coming out and learning my way as a newly out man. Like you, I am not the least bit ashamed of hiring. I am proud of the guys I have been with. They have gotten me ready to be in love and support our relationship. I have told my partner that I wouldn't have been ready or able to be in a relationship without what my guys have given me. I am very proud of all my guys and hope that my partner can meet them - as friends. We were supposed to meet one of my guys a couple of weeks ago when he came through town but he was delayed with a client and couldn't stop to meet. But it will happen.

 

In many ways, the second part of your question is evem harder. To continue hiring? For me, the answer is no. I want to be faithful and monogamous with my partner. But I am trying to see everyone at least one last time. These men are not only my escorts. They are my friends, my teachers. They know I am ending my hiring. They know Palm Springs will be the end for me. I have been with most for the last time already. And it is hard for me. Because even though we remain friends and communicate frequently, the relationship will never be what it was. And change is never easy. My guys are all so incredibly supportive and happy with the love I have found with my partner. They do, as they should, take pride in knowing they played a big part in getting me ready for him. Most I will be friends with for years. And should I ever convince my partner to take that last step - marriage - I will have the most incredible looking wedding party ever.

 

These are big decisions that lie ahead of you Wayout. There is no right answer. What worked for me may not be right for you. But if you want to talk about it further, with someone who not only has been where you are gut is there right now, please feel free to PM me. All the best. And Happy Valentine's Day to you and your guy.

[josephga]

If someone told me they hired escorts in the past I see no difference between that & me saying I hooked up with someone off grindr or manhunt in the past. However as someone that doesn't view open relationships as real relationships I wouldn't be with someone that asks if it could continue I figure they would just slip around and do it anyway regardless if I said yes or no.

[maxwellissmart]

If someone told me they hired escorts in the past I see no difference between that & me saying I hooked up with someone off grindr or manhunt in the past. However as someone that doesn't view open relationships as real relationships I wouldn't be with someone that asks if it could continue I figure they would just slip around and do it anyway regardless if I said yes or no.

 

I was in a similar situation, and wish I'd kept it to myself. Sometimes it's much smarter to do what you have to do, not what you want to do.

[josephga]

I have thought about this stuff allot regarding my job lately. I would never tell anyone that I gave sensual or erotic massage. Anytime I ever got involved with someone I just took it off the menu. I never did It while in a relationship so I felt no harm in not mentioning it. It's hard to explain to someone that providing a release was just something I did for money and had no emotional connection too it.

[gallahadesquire]

If someone told me they hired escorts in the past I see no difference between that & me saying I hooked up with someone off grindr or manhunt in the past. However as someone that doesn't view open relationships as real relationships I wouldn't be with someone that asks if it could continue I figure they would just slip around and do it anyway regardless if I said yes or no.

 

"I've had some short-term relationships before" and no, you can't have any more of them.

[+ purplekow]

I think if you are that concerned about his being unable to accept you as you are, flaws and foibles and fuckpartners and all, then perhaps he is not the right person.

The fact that you would consider hiring after starting a brand new relationship suggests that perhaps you are not really up to the commitment.

My advice. Tell him everything and if you don't like the answers, move on. On my limited information about this, the small taste you have given us, this is not a match made in gay heaven.

[josephga]

First guy I ever went out with asked me how many guys id been with sexually? He told me he had been with 3 prior to me. Well since he was my first the answer was zero. I don't get why guys ask this. I never ask I personally Don't want too know these things. A guy could have been a stripper, porn star, or the most famous male escort in the world. I don't want too know about past employment . All I care about is that they are faithful to me..

[EZEtoGRU]

"I've had some short-term relationships before" and no, you can't have any more of them.

With respect, I don't see how a very short answer referencing "short term relationship" is going to suffice. Sooner or later the person is going to want to know more about those relationships. I think that fairly early on, one must open up about past practices. The individual will then have to determine if they can deal with it or not.

 

Besides that, I agree with your second point that one should not keep hiring whilst in a relationship. For me, at least, a relationship should equate to total managomy.

[maxwellissmart]

First guy I ever went out with asked me how many guys id been with sexually? He told me he had been with 3 prior to me. Well since he was my first the answer was zero. I don't get why guys ask this. I never ask I personally Don't want too know these things. A guy could have been a stripper, porn star, or the most famous male escort in the world. I don't want too know about past employment . All I care about is that they are faithful to me..

 

Exactly. I could care less about someone's past sexual experiences as long as they 1) enjoyed it, 2) became a better person or lover because of it, 3) were faithful to whatever agreement we arrived at in the current relationship, and 4) were safe and healthy.

 

Oh, and in my head I'd be saying: yeah, I was with three guys... on Thursday.

[maxwellissmart]

For me, at least, a relationship should equate to total monogomy.

 

I would like to find someone with whom I can experience this—I haven't been able to yet, either on their part or mine. Of course, I have a habit of entering into relationships too fast, and before I really know the person and whether they are right for me (take note, Wayout). I reveal too much and then have to do damage control later. I tend to choose people based on how much they like me, as opposed to whether or not we are a good fit. I am a giver, which means I have a tendency to place importance on how I fit into THEIR life, instead of how they affect mine. This is a cycle I'm trying really, really hard to break. Right now, I'm not dating because I'm escorting. But I hope that I'll have the clarity next time to realize I don't have to be partnered to be happy—and that next time I'll actually date.

[josephga]

I agree on relationship equate to total monogamy. I keep doing the same stupid shit. I have that codependency issue of needing to be needed and find guys I think I can rescue. I always care more about if they are happy & try too live through them. To be honest I don't think I've ever really dated. Always jumped right in. first guy I ever went out with we went on one date and was calling ourselves bf's days later. 3 months later I moved in. broke up a year later.. I always moved too fast fell in love to easily. I haven't had a bf since 2005. I don't feel comfortable right now. I don't want to try to have a relationship unless I can make a complete break from giving sensual and erotic massage. Right now I need this job more than I need a bf

[maxwellissmart]

I agree on relationship equate to total monogamy. I keep doing the same stupid shit. I have that codependency issue of needing to be needed and find guys I think I can rescue. I always care more about if they are happy & try too live through them. To be honest I don't think I've ever really dated. Always jumped right in. first guy I ever went out with we went on one date and was calling ourselves bf's days later. 3 months later I moved in. broke up a year later.. I always moved too fast fell in love to easily

 

And to think all this time I have a twin and didn't know it. I blame my mother.

[josephga]

And to think all this time I have a twin and didn't know it. I blame my mother.

 

I blame my mother and father. growing up they never said I love you to my brother or I. they thought being a provider said it all. my brother grew up being verbally abusive looking at friends and girlfriends wives and child as property and being jealous and possessive. Then there's me. feeling unwanted, unattractive. suffering from eating disorders. being scared to speak up in relationships always giving in out of fear of the rejection that my come from it.. I'm actually at my most miserable when in a relationship. I feel a need to constantly keep them entertained out of fear they would get bored and leave. it was always emotionally draining too me

[+ Charlie]

Assuming that your potential partner is aware that you are not a virgin and accepts that, I don't know why you or he should consider your sexual experiences with escorts any different from sexual experiences with other men (all those sluts you screwed around with for free).

 

Monogamy is a totally different issue. It sounds like you know yourself well enough to realize that you like sex with escorts and will probably still want it, even when you are in a relationship. You certainly need to discuss this fact with him before you sign the pre-nup. If he can accept that, he may actually prefer that you have sex with an escort (essentially a professional service provider) rather than hooking up with guys who have the potential to supplant him as a love interest. If he says non-monogamy is a relationship-killer, and you can't accept that, then perhaps you should remain just fuck buddies.

[Samai139]

To your first question: If the topic of past experiences, hired or not hire, comes up, tell the truth. Always the best policy. Lying will get you nowhere and eventually you'll slip up or he will find out the truth, if it is that important.

Second question is much, much harder. If , and this is the biggest qualifier, if you enter a legally binding committment, and I assume this is what you are contemplating, then you absolutely have to discuss what is allowed and what isn't. If there are any doubts, hesitations, suspicions on either side, my advice? Call it off and just be fuck buddies.

[maxwellissmart]

To your first question: If the topic of past experiences, hired or not hire, comes up, tell the truth. Always the best policy. Lying will get you nowhere and eventually you'll slip up or he will find out the truth, if it is that important.

Second question is much, much harder. If , and this is the biggest qualifier, if you enter a legally binding committment, and I assume this is what you are contemplating, then you absolutely have to discuss what is allowed and what isn't. If there are any doubts, hesitations, suspicions on either side, my advice? Call it off and just be fuck buddies.

 

I'm not sure how one can slip up if the answer is always "no, I've never done that." Personally, I believe what you've done in the bedroom is just that—DONE. Your partner was not there at the time, therefore it's not your partner's business. Now, if your partner wants to be forthcoming with information about his own sexual past—great. That's up to him. Just keep in mind that your past has a tendency to become conversation between people other than you and your partner. They will tell someone else. In fact, my ex told numerous people about my escorting without ever asking me or even informing me that they knew—the best example being the time I was blindsided by it at a Christmas party in front of a dozen or so people: "Hey, you've fucked around for money—what was that like?" Fortunately I was able to turn the spotlight on my ex and say: "You should probably ask ______, from what I understand he hired quite a few guys before he stumbled across MY ad."

 

And I wouldn't tell friends either—unless it's someone you can trust without fail. Friendships have this inconvenient way of dissolving, and you have to hope your ex-friend isn't the vindictive sort.

[josephga]

And I wouldn't tell friends either—unless it's someone you can trust without fail. Friendships have this inconvenient way of dissolving, and you have to hope your ex-friend isn't the vindictive sort.

 

That's the truth. That's one reason I have no friends here in Atlanta. been here one year next week and have zero friends. I don't trust gay men here. In the past i've told friends and got burned. then I started telling people I work as a physical therapy ast. I know how friends can be especially here. OMG I got to tell you something now you can't tell no body I'm only telling you cause you my best friends. guess what that Joe does? massage. Not just massage gurl but jacks them off at the end. OMG no gurl ain't that shit nasty. then that person goes tells someone and so on and so on.

[maxwellissmart]

That's the truth. That's one reason I have no friends here in Atlanta. been here one year next week and have zero friends. I don't trust gay men here. In the past i've told friends and got burned. then I started telling people I work as a physical therapy ast. I know how friends can be especially here. OMG I got to tell you something now you can't tell no body I'm only telling you cause you my best friends. guess what that Joe does? massage. Not just massage gurl but jacks them off at the end. OMG no gurl ain't that shit nasty. then that person goes tells someone and so on and so on.

 

"Don't you tell nobody" = "Where is _____, cause I got something to tell you!"

[robberbaron4u]

Gentlemen, In advising the poster to make his life an open book to his prospective "partner", please keep in mind that he has stated that the partner's reaction to his revelations or a menage a trois would be NEGATIVE.

[gcursor]

Perception of relationships

 

I would have to agree wtih PK about most of this. In particular, the part about hiring after starting a brand new relationship.Although not all gay guys perceive relationships in the same manner and this is definitely something you need to discuss with him to make sure that everybody understands the rules.

 

I think if you are that concerned about his being unable to accept you as you are, flaws and foibles and fuckpartners and all, then perhaps he is not the right person.

The fact that you would consider hiring after starting a brand new relationship suggests that perhaps you are not really up to the commitment.

My advice. Tell him everything and if you don't like the answers, move on. On my limited information about this, the small taste you have given us, this is not a match made in gay heaven.

[JT Brooklyn]

Looking for some advice from members here for two related issues I am struggling with. Background is that after many years of being out of a relationship I met someone and am quickly (perhaps too quickly, it's been only a few months since we met) moving into a serious relationship where we may end up as partners in the not too distant future.

 

First issue, should I be upfront with my significant other about hiring escorts in the past? Not an inconsequential part of my history as I've been hiring for many years so there has been quite a few escorts I've hired. We've discussed past relationships in general but I haven't brought up this specific aspect of my life. I suspect it will be received negatively on his part but not saying anything seems like I am ashamed of it (which I am not).

 

Second issue, does anyone believe there is a way to keep hiring after entering a committed relationship without damaging the relationship, even if both people tacitly agree to the practice? And I can't imagine my potential partner would be into a threesome, which would solve the issue.

 

I am sure both issues may be difficult to answer without knowing the personalities and beliefs/values of the individuals involved but I still would be interested to know opinions and if anyone here has faced these issues before.

 

Either you are going into a "Relationship for the Long Haul" or your not! A 3 way may solve YOUR problem but before you know it YOU will end up Single once again!

 

Why go thru all this Drama? Either put "Working Guys" behind you as some have been able to do or just realize "Ya Ain't Marriage Material" !

[robberbaron4u]

I applaud the Brookyln Guy in that he has stated, succinctly, the fact of the matter.

[Juan Vancouver]

Hey Wayout,

 

First of all, let me congratulate you for having the balls to give relationships a try. (Not that there is anything wrong with being single, but it sounds as if you want to explore being in a relationship.)

 

As I often do, I would like to offer an entirely different point of view to the views that have been shared already.

 

I personally believe that being in an intimate relationship is very much like being with a dog or a child. If you are relaxed, confident, feeling calm and happy, they respond with the same energy and your interaction is satisfactory and fun. If you, however, come to dog or a child feeling doubts, anxiety, guilt, shame or keeping secrets, they will bark, bite, cry, shit and pee on the carpet, act out and give you all sorts of hell.

 

The previous responses made me think that the goal for someone who wants a relationship is to secure a person -no matter at what cost, and keep it around.

 

For me that is not the goal when looking for an intimate relationship; When I am looking for a partner, what I am looking for is someone who will see, love, and accept every single detail of me, my quirks, my life, my dreams, my past and in time will openly share who he really is and who he wants to become. I strongly believe that you are entitled to find someone who will see you, ALL of you, and will not only say "well, I'm fine with your past" but instead will be thrilled and excited and loving about all your past experiences, understandind and forgiving of all your mistakes and supportive of all your goals, needs, desires and plans.

 

When I meet someone that I am attracted to, with whom I feel a special spark, when they ask me what I do for a living, I immediately tell them. That saves me that fateful day of disclosure down the road when after having dated for a couple weeks I finally have to tell them that extra detail. In my personal opinion, if you hide (or choose to withhold) certain stuff that you feel nervous about it is possible that you are doing it out of shame or uncertainty. If you continued a relationship in this way, I would imagine you would carry on this shame and uncertainty about how you would be judged by your partner if he got to know all the facts.

 

Relationships should not be a mine field. You should not be worried that the cat's going to come out of the bag. If you have to keep one eye on the bag at all times, then you won't have time to look into his eyes and get lost in the moment. As scary as it may seem, my personal choice would be to lovingly, kindly and without any shame tell him something like:

 

"Beloved, I have been struggling a little about telling you this because I have assumed you would not react really well, but I came to realize that this is not fair to you: not only I have to give you the chance to decide for yourself, as the intelligent, loving man that I know you to be, but also I want to come to you with nothing but the truth, because I respect you and feel a beautiful bond between us. I want to come to you with nothing but honesty and openness, so I want you to know that in the past, since I didn't have a relationship and for convenience (or whatever reason may have been) I discovered that the safest and easiest way to explore my sexuality and fulfill my needs was to hire escorts. I have done it since ____ and I have met many wonderful men who helped me grow confident and healthy in my sexuality."

 

Then go on and explain why it has been good for you, what it has given you, how it has impacted your life. I think it would also be good to stress how having been "trained" by your interactions with your escorts has made it possible for you to be in this relationship.

 

This is not one tiny little secret. This is not that one time in which you accidentally stole a piece of candy; this is a integral part of your life, explored through many years and it is part of who you are now. You deserve to be in a partnership in which this side of you is understood, accepted and loved. Of course, I would be prepared to hear from his side and be accepting of who he is. Maybe he will share with you his secrets, maybe he will end up sharing a dark fetish of his, maybe he will share with you the fact that it is impossible for him to accept this. Maybe he will demand you to make promises to change, maybe he will sigh in relief and tell you that he too has hired for decades and you may end up comparing notes about your favourite escorts.

 

Only God knows what may happen, but I can tell you that whatever happens is better than living with shame and guilt and fear of being discovered.

 

Now, some have told you that if you want to keep hiring escorts even after having found love you are not ready for the commitment. If this was the Thursday relationship counselling at the Synagogue or Sunday School, I would say that shame on you, if you have one partner why would you not choose your partner forever and never again see anyone else. I would tell you that there is only one good way to have relationships, and that is the only way in which the good Lord wants you to couple. If I were Mormon, I would then urge you to choose as many teenage girls as you can support, get them preggers and devote yourself to the only way in which it is correct to couple. If I were a cannibal in the Micronesia, I would tell you to choose one wife, only one, then cook her in adobo sauce and share her with the tribe.

 

Everyone will have an opinion about the only right way to have a relationship. Everyone is right. But when it comes to impose their views on the way you want to live, everyone else will be wrong. Do not pay attention to those personal opinions, because they apply only to their lives. What you have to pay attention to is your personal desires, your personal ideals, your personal needs, and then find a partner who will fit those ideas, desires and needs with ideas, desires and needs that are perfectly compatible. Some would say that that's easier said than done, and by experience I can tell you that it is perfectly possible. The only thing, though, is that in order to find a perfect match, you have to be scrupulously honest in describing yourself when meeting a potential new partner.

 

The secret is that they will never love you for everything you are, unless you, yourself, first adore and accept, and feel proud of all that you are. Then, believe me, men after men who gets to know you will be able to see that and will fall in love with that.

 

There is no middle of the road; either you choose to hide your past assuming the worse of your partner and choose to try hard to comply to what your pastor told you a relationship should look like and end up down the road resentful, lonely, unseen, hiring escorts on the down low, or you accept the fact that who you are is delicious, powerful, lovable, right and give your partner the chance to prove himself to be an open minded, intelligent, loving partner, worthy of sharing your life with him.

 

It is whether you choose to be yourself, or you choose to be whatever you think everybody else would like to see.

 

Right here, right now, I choose to honour you. I choose to see who you are, and I tell you, that person is beautiful.