Friday Funnies

[Guest countryboywny]

A holiday tip

A friend writes.....

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving.

As you may or may not know, I have had brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that I have it, I don't know what to do with it................any suggestions?

 

Merry Christmas!

[Guest countryboywny]

Jackhammer must be continually surprised at what a big hit this thread has been. Good work, jackhammer! No one else has made the board laugh as much as you have...now don't take that the wrong way!

 

I think this is the best thread on the board! There's no better therapy than a good old belly laugh!

[bigvalboy]

A holiday tip

A friend writes.....

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving.

As you may or may not know, I have had brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that I have it, I don't know what to do with it................any suggestions?

 

Merry Christmas!

 

Very cute...lol lol lol

[seeker630]

I think this is the best thread on the board! There's no better therapy than a good old belly laugh!

 

I'll second that!

[+ honcho]

Did you hear about Otto the brown-nosed reindeer? He was right behind Rudolf, but couldn't stop as fast ... <grin>

 

[back where I went to college a german professor was named Ottomar Rudolf ]

[edjames]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

 

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

 

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?'

 

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

 

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

 

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

 

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Stark Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn Breathalyser Test again!'

[edjames]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

 

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys.

 

The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

 

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.

 

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

 

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

 

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

 

The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

[adannyboy]

Here's a classic...

 

Why was six afraid of seven?

 

.....

 

 

 

Because seven was a registered sex offender.

 

=D

[edjames]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs

 

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

 

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

 

The welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

 

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave you ever been fooked?'

The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.

 

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

[+ Lucky]

With all of the year end kudos being passed around here, here's to jackhammer for creating what must be the greatest thread in the history of Hooville.

[jackhammer91406]

Lucky, you have been here much longer than I and you have started many more threads than I.

 

Of course in the time I have been here I have learned it is better for me not to argue with you, so in the spirit of the season, I thank you for the compliment. It means a lot coming from you.

[jackhammer91406]

A really bad day..

 

Here's hoping the new year doesn't bring anyone a day like this guy had...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.

 

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stayed like that for half an hour.

 

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver said, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

 

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.

 

"First, This morning I fell back asleep after the alarm went off, and I got to my office late . My outrageous boss fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I got out, I remembered I left my wallet and credit cards in the cab. The cab driver just drove away."

 

"I went home, and when I got there, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home, and came to this bar.

 

"And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you showed up and drank all my poison."

[Guest countryboywny]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , USA ,

they decided to send it to President Obama.

Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a

$ 5.00 bill.

He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

 

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending

the money. However, I noticed that for

some reason you sent it through Washington , D.C. and

that asshole Obama took $95.00 in taxes.

[bigvalboy]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , USA ,

they decided to send it to President Obama.

Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a

$ 5.00 bill.

He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

 

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending

the money. However, I noticed that for

some reason you sent it through Washington , D.C. and

that asshole Obama took $95.00 in taxes.

 

 

Very cute....gave me a chuckle.

[jackhammer91406]

Assign the punishment

 

Assign the punishment

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

 

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

 

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

 

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

 

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

 

"Cindy, you have sinned."

[+ honcho]

I heard a musician friend (and one who is a conductor himself) make a related Joke about Marilyn Monroe having to spend eterntiy

with Arturo Toscanini . . . .

[MsGuy]

The three ways of learning are instruction from others, observation of others and peeing on the electric fence to see for yourself.

[Cooper]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains in

northern Ontario . They would meet frequently to talk shop.

 

The comment was made that preaching to people was fairly easy; a real

challenge would be to preach to a bear! They decided to experiment. All 3

would go into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert

it to their religion. 7 days later, the 3 men met.

 

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had

bandages on his body, began: 'Well,' he said, 'I went to find a bear. When

I found him, I read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear began to slap

me around, so I grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as

gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming to give him first communion.

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, & had his arms and

legs in casts. He exclaimed, 'Brothers, I went out and I found a bear; then

I read to him from The Bible, but that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

I took hold of him and we began to wrestle, until we came to a creek. I

quickly dunked and baptized him. He became as gentle as a lamb.

Hallelujah!

 

The Priest and the Reverend looked down at the Rabbi, lying in a hospital

bed. He was in a body cast and traction - IVs and monitors running in and

out of him, in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking

back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[+ deej]

The three ways of learning are instruction from others, observation of others and peeing on the electric fence to see for yourself.

 

I saw this happen once. During a family vacation, visiting the grandparents, the family dog hiked his leg on the electrified fence around a horse pasture. Never knew that dog could make that sound.

[edjames]

Monica Lewinsky Update

 

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked

in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

 

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

 

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...

"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

 

And just like that, her ears fell off!

 

Touching story, isn't it?

[jackhammer91406]

A Father's pain

 

A husband and wife went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

 

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

 

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

 

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

 

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

 

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

 

When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

[KMEM]

LOL.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[edjames]

I hope these amuse you...

 

Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

 

The winners are:

 

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

 

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

 

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

 

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

 

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

 

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

 

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

 

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

 

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

 

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

 

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

 

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

 

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

 

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

 

The winners are:

 

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

 

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

 

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

 

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

 

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 

9. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's

like, a serious bummer.

 

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

 

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

 

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

 

 

And the pick of the literature:

 

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[jackhammer91406]

Urinalysis

 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

 

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

 

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

 

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[edjames]

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!

 

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

 

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

 

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

 

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

 

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

 

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

 

The first worm in alcohol .. . .. . . Dead.

 

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead.

 

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

 

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .. Alive …

 

 

So the Minister asked the congregation,

 

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

 

 

 

 

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

 

That pretty much ended the service.

 

 

 

 

"Hang in there you're special!"