You know it's gonna be a bad massage when....

[jazzfan]

I'll start.

He brings out the baby oil.  

There's no face cradle.  

[COL91]

The sheet or towel on the table is damp.

[FlotasiaFlaps]

Instead of a table or a bed, there's a blowup mattress on the floor.

[Crisp]

There’s a baby crying in the next room

 

[Wanderoz]

It's so dark in the room that you can't clearly see the masseur or the table.

[dcsmlxl]

you can smell cigarettes

[scopitone]

when they ask for payment up front

when you see the massage gun ready to go

[starman05]

when the table is so far up against the bedroom wall that it's in the living room

when he says 'legit' in his ad but then goes to town on you and he says, 'I don't usually do this.' 

you pass the last client on your way in, and you see the next one coming in on your way out

He's 4 inches shorter than advertised. 5'9" is NOT 6'1". 

He's 15 lbs. heavier -- and it's all in his gut.

Halfway through he asks if you'd like his partner to do a four-handed massage and you want to say, "I'd settle for the TWO-handed massage you are supposed to be giving me." 

Edited 20 hours ago by starman05

[starman05]

Oh, here's a good one or four. 

He brings up a MLM scheme. 

He asks you if you'd like to go to a "friends helping friends" meeting. (And do you have an extra $1800 on your that you can bring? We're all giving out money to a total stranger, hoping that in 36 weeks, we can cash out.)

He mentions the Ladnmark Formu. 

He asks if you'd like to try a glass of Monavie Juice, and would you be interested in making a few extra thousand dollars a month. 

Sceintology. 

And all this while you're NAKED and vulnerable and you're asking yourself, how fast can I get to my cell phone, run into the bathroom, and lock the door. 

No. Seriously. How fast.

 

 

[MassageCommunityMember]

They start talking about hating something you clearly are.  

"I hate Americans" This one scared me.  This person really scared me. 

"I hate gay men in this city"  Dude, you're a gay man in this city. 

"I'm not attracted to [insert obvious physical trait here]"  Okay, you don't have to be attracted to me and you really don't have to tell me you're not attracted to me. 

Also, yawning 

Also, a flaccid penis when you didn't even ask them to take off their shorts and now there it is all cold and rubbing against you for no reason at all.  I don't expect a masseur to stay hard for 90 minutes or whatever - that's unreasonable - but I'm going to feel bad about myself if you are trying to make it sensual and cannot get hard at all...just keep it away at that point (this was a long time ago). Actually, these were all at least over three years ago.

Edited 16 hours ago by MassageCommunityMember

[starman05]

I have found really good therapists that I have asked. Can you maybe keep the shorts on?
 

I took care of that when I was home

I'm not opposing finding Mr. right or Mr. right now, but sometimes I just wanna massage conked out on the table and feel safe

[+ JamesB]

…he cracks his knuckles, sighs heavily and whispers, "Let’s get this over with."

...you hear a roll of duct tape being prepped from across the room.

...he asks, "So, what's your pain tolerance on a scale of one to calling the police?"

...the soothing pan flute music is playing out of an iPhone 6 with a cracked screen and an incoming FaceTime alert every two minutes.

...he rubs their hands together and they sound like dry sandpaper on drywall.

...you’re face down in the headrest and see a pair of steel-toed work boots enter the room.

...the massage oil smells faintly of 10W-40 motor oil and garlic.

...he pauses mid-stroke, gasps and asks, "Has that always been shaped like that?"

...he asks, "Do you mind if I chew while I work?" right before you smell salt and vinegar chips.

...you hear the sharp snap of bright blue dishwashing gloves being pulled on.

...he starts aggressively working your neck and casually mentions he is doing community service hours.

...the table starts squeaking and he whispers, "Don’t move, the leg is loose."

…you hear "oops" more than once in the first two minutes.

…the room smells like a combination of menthol, regret and Febreze.

…he starts humming the Jaws theme.

…you realize the "hot stones" are just rocks from the parking lot.

…halfway through he says "wait, are you the 4 o'clock or the 4:15?"

…the “aromatherapy” candle smells like burnt popcorn.

[DunwoodyGuy]

He opens the door and you remember that you've seen him before...

[Mark_fl]

The lotion bottle slips out of his hand and hits you in the head. 

This actually happened recently. And was so relieved when I just laughed. Turned into a very nice time.

[Kuppusami]

Pet odors in the space.  So many times I've walked in and should've walked immediately out after the first whif of animal urine. Have had a couple where a loose pet jumped on the bed. I like pets just not while I'm naked and pulled up.

[+ nycman]

He pours massage oil directly onto your back.

“I’ll see myself out …”

[Los]

When you walk in and the place has not been dusted /cleaned and you should just run now 

[slcguy1]

Obviously texting while massaging you. 
 

Complaining about other therapists. 

[starman05]

He WON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH MEEEE!!!