Do I need to keep paying to feel this kind of connection?

[lseactuary90]

I recently hired a masseur to come over for an erotic massage at my place. I also knew he escorts (he’s on RentMen) but contacted him for a massage on a different website hence it was a different rate also. Things flowed naturally - we ended up making out, grinding, and connecting beyond the massage itself. He was even down to top me (though it didn’t end up happening), and we ended up lying together, talking, and just being. It felt real. Comfortable. Honestly, it was the most “seen” I’ve felt by someone in NYC in a long time - definitely non-platonically.

At one point, while we were just lying together, he asked: “Why do you need to pay?”
I brushed it off. I wasn’t ready to unpack the reality of my dating life with him. The truth is: dating here has been non-existent for me. Literally zero dates. Hookups? Sure, but mostly disappointing - disconnected, drugged-out, disinterested, transactional. I’m more of a 1:1, slow, sensual kind of guy, and NYC’s scene feels like a conveyor belt of fast, flaky sex. Honestly, it’s been some of the worst sex of my life.

Instead of explaining all that, I just said: “It’s hard to find someone who can handle me.” He looked confused and said: “Someone tall, built, with a big dick like you? You’ll be fine.” But I don’t feel fine. That comment sat with me.

He also did go down on me, even though he identifies as straight. I didn’t overthink it in the moment, but it left me wondering.

I followed up a week later, and he was receptive. He messaged back quickly (again, rare in NYC), and was down to meet again. But then he said:
“No rush bro. But if I looked like you, I wouldn’t pay.”

That comment threw me. Not because I’m against paying as money isn’t the issue. What messed with my head is: what does it mean if the only way I’ve ever felt this kind of presence, softness, and intimacy is through a paid experience?

Was it him?
Was it just my starvation for connection finally getting fed?
Am I overthinking all of it?

I’ve never hired an escort before (just spa massages with HE's usually, although I have been topped there too sometimes lol) so I don’t know what’s “normal.” I do wonder if I should book someone else, maybe try a “boyfriend experience,” since I’ve never even come close to having a real relationship. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system.

Because here’s the thing:
In that space, with him, I melted.
I was soft, present, sensual, alive.
I liked who I was in that moment.
And that version of me doesn’t come out on Grindr, Feeld, Scruff, Hinge, Tinder or even at gay dancing or sex parties. Not even close. It was WAY better (in terms of that satisfaction and 'whole' feeling) than any therapy I've ever had also.

So I guess my question is:
Is it worth continuing down this road?
Will I be paying for intimacy forever?
And why did a paid interaction feel more real than all the “free” ones I’ve had?

Would appreciate any perspectives, especially from those who’ve navigated this before.

Edited May 31 by lseactuary90

[+ ApexNomad]

17 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

I recently hired a masseur to come over for an erotic massage at my place. I also knew he escorts (he’s on RentMen) but contacted him for a massage on a different website hence it was a different rate also. Things flowed naturally - we ended up making out, grinding, and connecting beyond the massage itself. He was even down to top me (though it didn’t end up happening), and we ended up lying together, talking, and just being. It felt real. Comfortable. Honestly, it was the most “seen” I’ve felt by someone in NYC in a long time - definitely non-platonically.

At one point, while we were just lying together, he asked: “Why do you need to pay?”
I brushed it off. I wasn’t ready to unpack the reality of my dating life with him. The truth is: dating here has been non-existent for me. Literally zero dates. Hookups? Sure, but mostly disappointing - disconnected, drugged-out, disinterested, transactional. I’m more of a 1:1, slow, sensual kind of guy, and NYC’s scene feels like a conveyor belt of fast, flaky sex. Honestly, it’s been some of the worst sex of my life.

Instead of explaining all that, I just said: “It’s hard to find someone who can handle me.” He looked confused and said: “Someone tall, built, with a big dick like you? You’ll be fine.” But I don’t feel fine. That comment sat with me.

He also did go down on me, even though he identifies as straight. I didn’t overthink it in the moment, but it left me wondering.

I followed up a week later, and he was receptive. He messaged back quickly (again, rare in NYC), and was down to meet again. But then he said:
“No rush bro. But if I looked like you, I wouldn’t pay.”

That comment threw me. Not because I’m against paying as money isn’t the issue. What messed with my head is: what does it mean if the only way I’ve ever felt this kind of presence, softness, and intimacy is through a paid experience?

Was it him?
Was it just my starvation for connection finally getting fed?
Am I overthinking all of it?

I’ve never hired an escort before (just spa massages with HE's usually, although I have been topped there too sometimes lol) so I don’t know what’s “normal.” I do wonder if I should book someone else, maybe try a “boyfriend experience,” since I’ve never even come close to having a real relationship. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system.

Because here’s the thing:
In that space, with him, I melted.
I was soft, present, sensual, alive.
I liked who I was in that moment.
And that version of me doesn’t come out on Grindr, Feeld, Scruff, Hinge, Tinder or even at gay dancing or sex parties. Not even close. It was WAY better (in terms of that satisfaction and 'whole' feeling) than any therapy I've ever had also.

So I guess my question is:
Is it worth continuing down this road?
Will I be paying for intimacy forever?
And why did a paid interaction feel more real than all the “free” ones I’ve had?

Would appreciate any perspectives, especially from those who’ve navigated this before.

We’ve been down this road before.

https://www.companyofmen.org/topic/158371-escorts-in-ny-bf-experience/

[lseactuary90]

10 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

We’ve been down this road before.

https://www.companyofmen.org/topic/158371-escorts-in-ny-bf-experience/

And I gave it an honest shot (i.e. put myself out there more, tried to form connections etc) without trying this path but nothing worked out still. I tried a bunch of 'new places' as suggested, but nothing led to a lasting connection (beyond platonic friendships I mean). Just more ghosting, flaking and bad behaviour on their side. 

I also tried the friendship path, but nothing 'romantic' came from that. People in general just don't seem interested in connecting unless you are 'offering' something like sex or otherwise. Its a real headache. 

I also tried a new therapist, who is a Dr (so way smarter than me so I was hoping to get caught out or something) who also is now at a point where he is 'blaming' NYC. Sigh.

Tbh, even the masseur I wasn't expecting it to go further, yet here we are. The pleasant twist was the escort did reply and not flake (as I had previously complained about this issue) so that was a step in a positive direction at least.

Edited May 31 by lseactuary90

[+ ApexNomad]

6 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

And I gave it an honest shot (i.e. put myself out there more, tried to form connections etc) without trying this path but nothing worked out still. I tried a bunch of 'new places' as suggested, but nothing led to a lasting connection. 

I also tried the friendship path, but nothing came from that. People in general just don't seem interested in connecting unless you are 'offering' something like sex or otherwise. Its a real headache. 

Tbh, even the masseur I wasn't expecting it to go further, yet here we are. 

You keep saying you gave it an honest shot, but what you’re really doing is romanticizing paid intimacy because it lets you feel in control. That’s not vulnerability— it’s curated affection you can turn off the moment it challenges you. You didn’t feel “seen” because something real happened. You felt safe because you paid to avoid rejection.

You didn’t “try the friendship path.” You sampled it like a disappointed Yelp reviewer and gave up when it didn’t immediately give you what you wanted. Real friendship isn’t a transactional detour on the road to sex or romance— it’s connection for its own sake.

Saying people “only connect if you’re offering sex” is just a projection. Maybe you’re the one struggling to show up for people without expecting something in return. If you reduce every interaction to a reward system — where your time, looks, or libido should automatically earn you closeness — then of course you’re going to feel used, rejected, or misunderstood.

Friendship isn’t a means to an end. It’s the foundation of anything meaningful. If you can’t invest in that without strings, you’re not looking for connection. You’re just lonely and blaming the world for it.

You want the feelings of intimacy without the risk, the work, or the discomfort. But that’s not love. That’s fantasy. And until you stop treating people like mirrors for your unmet needs — expecting them to reflect desire or devotion just because you’re “hot”— nothing is going to feel real. Not dating. Not friendship. Not even the next massage.

[lseactuary90]

10 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

You keep saying you gave it an honest shot, but what you’re really doing is romanticizing paid intimacy because it lets you feel in control. That’s not vulnerability— it’s curated affection you can turn off the moment it challenges you. You didn’t feel “seen” because something real happened. You felt safe because you paid to avoid rejection.

You didn’t “try the friendship path.” You sampled it like a disappointed Yelp reviewer and gave up when it didn’t immediately give you what you wanted. Real friendship isn’t a transactional detour on the road to sex or romance— it’s connection for its own sake.

Saying people “only connect if you’re offering sex” is just a projection. Maybe you’re the one struggling to show up for people without expecting something in return. If you reduce every interaction to a reward system — where your time, looks, or libido should automatically earn you closeness — then of course you’re going to feel used, rejected, or misunderstood.

Friendship isn’t a means to an end. It’s the foundation of anything meaningful. If you can’t invest in that without strings, you’re not looking for connection. You’re just lonely and blaming the world for it.

You want the feelings of intimacy without the risk, the work, or the discomfort. But that’s not love. That’s fantasy. And until you stop treating people like mirrors for your unmet needs — expecting them to reflect desire or devotion just because you’re “hot”— nothing is going to feel real. Not dating. Not friendship. Not even the next massage.

I feel there is a lot of assumptions and projection here but I will try and address your comments.

I have gone down the friendship path in the sense of seeing if that leads to a romantic relationship and it hasn't. I cherish the friends I have, and work hard to keep those connections alive and thriving. I was simply pointing out that the friends have not turned into 'lovers' (so far). That doesn't doesn't mean the friendship has been a 'waste of time' in any way. I continue to make friends regardless of sexual / romantic attraction and that is going well for me otherwise. 

I'm not sure if its a projection at all. When I offer dates, drinks, to chat, etc, they agree, and vanish. When I offer sex, they turn up, and still vanish. So, I'm not sure what to actually 'do' here if I can't land dates and people don't seem interested in knowing me beyond my body. I never said my looks (or otherwise) 'earns' me anything, connection isn't built like this, but I'm always aware of how the community operates, and its very confusing to constantly be told 'you will be fine' when I am not. 

I disagree with your intimacy line. I want the risk, work and discomfort. But I literally cannot find someone who wants it with me. I can't build this with a brick wall. As I said, the masseur experience went further on its own (I did not pay for him to have sex with me or stay and share about himself), it wasn't intended to go the way it did but it did, and now I have these feelings that I am trying to unpack. 

Edited May 31 by lseactuary90

[SirBillybob]

Not a bad thing, but escorts unconditionally love you for your money and otherwise conditionally love you. That’s not the dynamic for their boyfriends. Paradox: higher pastry fee, less flaky pastry. BTW, your unpaid are saying you don’t need to pay, without saying it. It would be weird for a hook-up to comment upon leaving y’know you strike me as somebody that doesn’t need to pay. Myself, I find it best to always go with it’s not them; it’s me.

[lseactuary90]

Just now, SirBillybob said:

Not a bad thing, but escorts unconditionally love you for your money and otherwise conditionally love you. That’s not the dynamic for their boyfriends. Paradox: higher pastry fee, less flaky pastry. BTW, your unpaid are saying you don’t need to pay, without saying it. It would be weird for a hook-up to comment upon leaving y’know you strike me as somebody that doesn’t need to pay. Myself, I find it best to always go with it’s not them; it’s me.

I like your pastry analogy, that's gonna stick in my mind.  

I think he based the comment on how I look. I'm not 'paying for sex' though, I'm paying for presence/intimacy etc which is lacking elsewhere. They are different. 

[+ ApexNomad]

9 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

I feel there is a lot of assumptions and projection here but I will try and address your comments.

I have gone down the friendship path in the sense of seeing if that leads to a romantic relationship and it hasn't. I cherish the friends I have, and work hard to keep those connections alive and thriving. I was simply pointing out that the friends have not turned into 'lovers' (so far). That doesn't doesn't mean the friendship has been a 'waste of time' in any way. I continue to make friends regardless of sexual / romantic attraction and that is going well for me otherwise. 

I'm not sure if its a projection at all. When I offer dates, drinks, to chat, etc, they agree, and vanish. When I offer sex, they turn up, and still vanish. So, I'm not sure what to actually 'do' here if I can't land dates and people don't seem interested in knowing me beyond my body. I never said my looks (or otherwise) 'earns' me anything, connection isn't built like this, but I'm always aware of how the community operates, and its very confusing to constantly be told 'you will be fine' when I am not. 

I disagree with your intimacy line. I want the risk, work and discomfort. But I literally cannot find someone who wants it with me. I can't build this with a brick wall. As I said, the masseur experience went further on its own (I did not pay for him to have sex with me or stay and share about himself), it wasn't intended to go the way it did but it did, and now I have these feelings that I am trying to unpack. 

I’m not questioning whether you have friends. I’m questioning how you frame connection. You said you “tried the friendship path” as a strategy to get romance, and when it didn’t convert, you described people as only showing up if sex is on offer. That’s the issue.

What you’re describing isn’t confusion — it’s frustration that people aren’t behaving the way you hope. But this isn’t a vending machine. Offering drinks or chats doesn’t entitle you to dates or intimacy. And yes, you did say it felt like people only connect if you’re offering something — that’s a clear projection, whether you realize it or not.

As for the masseur, I’m not discounting the emotional impact it had on you. But let’s be honest: paid experiences, no matter how unexpectedly tender, still take place in a structure where one person is hired to be present, kind, and open. That doesn’t make it fake — it makes it contextual. The feelings are real. The frame is controlled. It’s okay to unpack that. But don’t confuse it with someone choosing you freely.

You say you want the risk and discomfort of intimacy. Good. Then stop treating it like a puzzle to crack or a service to unlock. Start showing up in places and ways that aren’t about outcome. That’s where connection begins — not in strategies, but in surrender.

[SirBillybob]

18 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

I like your pastry analogy, that's gonna stick in my mind.  

I think he based the comment on how I look. I'm not 'paying for sex' though, I'm paying for presence/intimacy etc which is lacking elsewhere. They are different. 

 But you shopped for somebody that met a certain precondition. You may have screened out hundreds. That appearance precondition having been met, you were open to the emotional that might occur meaningfully between any two people you’d have screened out based on the rigidified precondition. Dollars to donuts (pastry again!) you squirm upon amorous affection directed your way if preconditions not met. That’s fine if you own and accept your template. It approximates mine. I decided to forego the conventional model of intimacy, wherein many people would say it’s refusing to try for an upgrade and at one’s expense. Now in my 70’s, I exclusively hire. No regrets.

Edited May 31 by SirBillybob

[lseactuary90]

17 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

I’m not questioning whether you have friends. I’m questioning how you frame connection. You said you “tried the friendship path” as a strategy to get romance, and when it didn’t convert, you described people as only showing up if sex is on offer. That’s the issue.

What you’re describing isn’t confusion — it’s frustration that people aren’t behaving the way you hope. But this isn’t a vending machine. Offering drinks or chats doesn’t entitle you to dates or intimacy. And yes, you did say it felt like people only connect if you’re offering something — that’s a clear projection, whether you realize it or not.

As for the masseur, I’m not discounting the emotional impact it had on you. But let’s be honest: paid experiences, no matter how unexpectedly tender, still take place in a structure where one person is hired to be present, kind, and open. That doesn’t make it fake — it makes it contextual. The feelings are real. The frame is controlled. It’s okay to unpack that. But don’t confuse it with someone choosing you freely.

You say you want the risk and discomfort of intimacy. Good. Then stop treating it like a puzzle to crack or a service to unlock. Start showing up in places and ways that aren’t about outcome. That’s where connection begins — not in strategies, but in surrender.

Re: friendships, I was answering to your frame i.e. friendships lead to romantic encounters, and in my case, they have not. My phrasing could have been better, sure. But my point stands. 

The people I was talking about 'only sex is on offer' isn't these friends or avenues I use to make friends. Its apps, parties etc. I think you are confusing the 'pools' here. 

Ok, people are not behaving how I intended, but what I am doing others seem to do with more success. So, I'm asking you, what can I do to change things around, given what I am doing clearly isn't working. 

Yes, I'm aware the frame is controlled, and I'm not saying he 'chose me freely'. I'm just sharing the experience, and grief really, that I've not experienced this 'through choice of someone' per say. The fact that I had to pay for someone to be present, kind and open with me, is what is the grief here I am explaining. Like nothing we went through together was 'impossible' in a normal 'free' setting so its sad someone 'paid' could be present with me, and when its 'free' I'm just used and thrown. 

I have, for years, and nothing has worked out for me hence I am where I am and am actively trying to turn things around but trying things. 

Edited May 31 by lseactuary90

[lseactuary90]

20 minutes ago, SirBillybob said:

 But you shopped for somebody that met a certain precondition. You may have screened out hundreds. That appearance precondition having been met, you were open to the emotional that might occur meaningfully between any two people you’d have screened out based on the rigidified precondition. Dollars to donuts (pastry again!) you squirm upon amorous affection directed your way if preconditions not met. That’s fine if you own and accept your template. It approximates mine. I decided to forego the conventional model of intimacy, wherein many people would say it’s refusing to try for an upgrade and at one’s expense. Now in my 70’s, I exclusively hire. No regrets.

Well this is the issue also. This was a 'quality' experience. He was present, he was talking to me like a human, and I left not feeling the desire for more for a week (because I was 'full'). 

Vs these tik tok monkeys who are always looking for the next best thing, and can't even hold a conversation (or try to). 

This is what is killing me inside. 

[SirBillybob]

18 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

Re: friendships, I was answering to your frame i.e. friendships lead to romantic encounters, and in my case, they have not. My phrasing could have been better, sure. But my point stands. 

The people I was talking about 'only sex is on offer' isn't these friends or avenues I use to make friends. Its apps, parties etc. I think you are confusing the 'pools' here. 

Ok, people are not behaving how I intended, but what I am doing others seem to do with more success. So, I'm asking you, what can I do to change things around, given what I am doing clearly isn't working. 

Yes, I'm aware the frame is controlled, and I'm not saying he 'chose me freely'. I'm just sharing the experience, and grief really, that I've not experienced this 'through choice of someone' per say. 

I have, for years, and nothing has worked out for me hence I am where I am. 

Look at any two members that represent the dyads you see as relatively successful. You would need to view both, not just one, as worthy of the response the other gives based on physical attraction. Cultivate the habit of doing this analysis regularly. If you were to discount either, let alone both within the pair, as worth your erotic interest you haven’t transcended the central impediment to faith in broad-based compatibility. It’s absolutely fine to rate poor compatibility with the hookups that were superficially meeting precondition criteria but were otherwise poor matches . That said, your fundamental interest template constrains the pool of men you draw upon. 

Edited May 31 by SirBillybob

[+ ApexNomad]

14 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

Re: friendships, I was answering to your frame i.e. friendships lead to romantic encounters, and in my case, they have not. My phrasing could have been better, sure. But my point stands. 

The people I was talking about 'only sex is on offer' isn't these friends or avenues I use to make friends. Its apps, parties etc. I think you are confusing the 'pools' here. 

Ok, people are not behaving how I intended, but what I am doing others seem to do with more success. So, I'm asking you, what can I do to change things around, given what I am doing clearly isn't working. 

Yes, I'm aware the frame is controlled, and I'm not saying he 'chose me freely'. I'm just sharing the experience, and grief really, that I've not experienced this 'through choice of someone' per say. The fact that I had to pay for someone to be present, kind and open with me, is what is the grief here I am explaining. Like nothing we went through together was 'impossible' in a normal 'free' setting so its sad someone 'paid' could be present with me, and when its 'free' I'm just used and thrown. 

I have, for years, and nothing has worked out for me hence I am where I am and am actively trying to turn things around but trying things. 

You keep rewriting the narrative to absolve yourself while sounding like you’re searching for truth — but you’re avoiding the one truth that matters: connection isn’t eluding you because you’re unlucky. It’s because you’re guarded, entitled, and transactional, even when you don’t realize it.

You talk about trying everything — therapy, friendship, travel, apps, even escorts — as if this is just a puzzle you haven’t solved yet. But love isn’t a reward for effort. You call the men in your community flaky, drugged-up, or emotionally unstable, and then wonder why nothing meaningful sticks. That’s not insight. That’s contempt dressed up as disappointment.

The real grief isn’t that you had to pay someone for intimacy. It’s that, for once, you let yourself receive it — and it didn’t come from someone who chose you freely. That’s painful, yes. But the solution isn’t booking more boyfriends by the hour. It’s asking why you only let yourself be soft when it’s safe and scripted.

You say you want risk, depth, connection. Then show up without expecting a payoff. Stop treating every drink, date, or text like a test people keep failing. Maybe the intimacy you’re chasing isn’t out there — maybe it’s behind whatever part of you still believes you need to earn being loved.

[lseactuary90]

6 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

You keep rewriting the narrative to absolve yourself while sounding like you’re searching for truth — but you’re avoiding the one truth that matters: connection isn’t eluding you because you’re unlucky. It’s because you’re guarded, entitled, and transactional, even when you don’t realize it.

You talk about trying everything — therapy, friendship, travel, apps, even escorts — as if this is just a puzzle you haven’t solved yet. But love isn’t a reward for effort. You call the men in your community flaky, drugged-up, or emotionally unstable, and then wonder why nothing meaningful sticks. That’s not insight. That’s contempt dressed up as disappointment.

The real grief isn’t that you had to pay someone for intimacy. It’s that, for once, you let yourself receive it — and it didn’t come from someone who chose you freely. That’s painful, yes. But the solution isn’t booking more boyfriends by the hour. It’s asking why you only let yourself be soft when it’s safe and scripted.

You say you want risk, depth, connection. Then show up without expecting a payoff. Stop treating every drink, date, or text like a test people keep failing. Maybe the intimacy you’re chasing isn’t out there — maybe it’s behind whatever part of you still believes you need to earn being loved.

Not seeing any active solutions / next steps in this message. 

"why you only let yourself be soft when it’s safe and scripted" -- not true. I have had similar instances of this before, but they did not repeat for various reasons, with that particular person. And these were 'for free'. 

"Maybe the intimacy you’re chasing isn’t out there" -- agreed. And maybe these escort experiences can actually help me move through how to feel more connected so I can show up differently/better in the 'free' experiences vs waiting for someone to help me through these. 

Edited May 31 by lseactuary90

[+ ApexNomad]

4 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

Not seeing any active solutions / next steps in this message. 

"why you only let yourself be soft when it’s safe and scripted" -- not true. I have had similar instances of this before, but they did not repeat for various reasons, with that particular person. And these were 'for free'. 

Look at your previous threads on the exact same topic. The problem was never a lack of advice — it’s your refusal to hear anything that doesn’t come in the form of a formula or a fix. If connection worked like something you could control, you’d have it by now. But it doesn’t — and that’s the part you keep avoiding.

If I recall, you were also seeing a therapist. What ever came of that?

[lseactuary90]

3 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

Look at your previous threads on the exact same topic. The problem was never a lack of advice — it’s your refusal to hear anything that doesn’t come in the form of a formula or a fix. If connection worked like something you could control, you’d have it by now. But it doesn’t — and that’s the part you keep avoiding.

If I recall, you were also seeing a therapist. What ever came of that?

"Look at your previous threads on the exact same topic." - I did and the pointers provided I have done at this point, extensively. 

...so your next step is just live life and see what happens? That is what I did for 10 years, and clearly this didn't work, so you are saying do another 10 years of this. That sounds like a sure way to continue to fail. 

I am still seeing this new therapist weekly, nothing useful has come of it just yet. We are back to 'its not you, its them' which I am fed up of hearing in therapy quite frankly, but I also don't imagine things changing in therapy anymore. Hence I sought an alternative through the massage experience (again, not expecting it to become a sexual experience) just to feel something a bit different before I went completely crazy. FWIW at least this experience 'shook me' in some way, more than I can say any therapy has.

Edited May 31 by lseactuary90

[SirBillybob]

1 hour ago, lseactuary90 said:

Well this is the issue also. This was a 'quality' experience. He was present, he was talking to me like a human, and I left not feeling the desire for more for a week (because I was 'full'). 

Vs these tik tok monkeys who are always looking for the next best thing, and can't even hold a conversation (or try to). 

This is what is killing me inside. 

He’s as representative of the humanizing as any non-hire. Not an outlier within his domain yet good people in genpop are the majority.  Again, he offered the value add of meeting the precondition and of heterosexuality (?) that amped up the flattering validation. His disservice was unwittingly castigating those who haven’t found and appreciated you. Maybe he’s dating the therapist. 

You masturbate, right? Not a wild assumption. What is the fantasy, the script? How long is the session? That usually shapes expectations and a more controlled experience of hiring will dovetail right in, supplemented with a bit of pillow talk usually absent from autosexual narrative. The recent feelings are an artefact of what you manufacture coming to life as facsimile.

You can’t print out the real world and it’s pointless to rail against it. If you’re objectively hot that will end. Lacking the prop in which external locus of control prosecutes others you are set up for unhappiness. You will need internal self-soothing and equanimity to survive being less visible. That’s not something any relationship can confer other than with self.

Edited June 1 by SirBillybob

[+ ApexNomad]

2 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

So your next step is just live life and see what happens? That is what I did for 10 years, and clearly this didn't work, so you are saying do another 10 years of this. 

I am still seeing this new therapist weekly, nothing useful has come of it just yet. We are back to 'its not you, its them' which I am fed up of hearing hence I sought an alternative through the massage experience (again, not expecting it to become a sexual experience) just to feel something a bit different before I went completely crazy.

No — the next step is to stop treating connection like a vending machine you’ve been feeding for a decade without getting your snack.

You didn’t “just live life.” You lived it with an underlying belief that doing the right things should eventually earn you intimacy. That’s not openness — that’s expectation in disguise. And now you’re angry that life hasn’t delivered.

If therapy hasn’t helped, it’s not because “it’s them.” It’s because you’re still filtering every experience through the same lens: What do I get from this? When will it finally work?

The moment you stop asking what to do next and start asking who you’ve become in this process — that’s when something might actually shift. Until then, it’s just another loop.

[lseactuary90]

4 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

No — the next step is to stop treating connection like a vending machine you’ve been feeding for a decade without getting your snack.

You didn’t “just live life.” You lived it with an underlying belief that doing the right things should eventually earn you intimacy. That’s not openness — that’s expectation in disguise. And now you’re angry that life hasn’t delivered.

If therapy hasn’t helped, it’s not because “it’s them.” It’s because you’re still filtering every experience through the same lens: What do I get from this? When will it finally work?

The moment you stop asking what to do next and start asking who you’ve become in this process — that’s when something might actually shift. Until then, it’s just another loop.

Honestly, I'm not sure I understand your view, and therefore I am not sure how to respond to this. I would be open to connecting and chatting over this though. 

FWIW - I do feel like you are throwing judgement, without actually knowing my journey/life so far, but I also understand you will base your views on what you read on the forum since you don't know me, and that is ok. 

Edited May 31 by lseactuary90

[SirBillybob]

Back to the ask.

It could be worth it to exchange in kind for sexual intimacy as a model for sexual self-actualization. It’s only framed as fraudulent because people erroneously think the work can only be soul-crushing and the connection no more than artificial.

Primary attachment relationships are not obligatory. Half of the folks who assert going solo is an inferior model end up in failed relationships anyway and rush for serial do-overs out of confirmation bias. There’s no rule that truly legitimately argues one over the other. That’s value systems for you.

How you juggle family, friends, libido, and genital play dates is up to you. Just do you and own it. 

If you and your team proclaim your glass is half empty owing to external deprivation by others, that can mess up the type of worldview that might otherwise guide you well. 

Edited June 1 by SirBillybob

[AtticusBK]

1 hour ago, lseactuary90 said:

I cherish the friends I have, and work hard to keep those connections alive and thriving.

I assume you’ve talked to your friends about your situation? Are any going through something similar, or is it (seemingly) just you? How did they get past it if they’ve gone thru it, or how are they dealing with it if they’re having similar experiences? 

[+ ApexNomad]

40 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

Honestly, I'm not sure I understand your view, and therefore I am not sure how to respond to this. I would be open to connecting and chatting over this though. 

FWIW - I do feel like you are throwing judgement, without actually knowing my journey/life so far, but I also understand you will base your views on what you read on the forum since you don't know me, and that is ok. 

I’m basing my view on what you have repeatedly shared — across multiple threads, over months — not on assumptions. It’s pattern recognition. You’ve consistently rejected every piece of insight that doesn’t fit your narrative, and when someone holds up a mirror, you call it judgment.

You’re a self-proclaimed hot guy with a big dick (your words), living in one of the most densely queer-populated cities in the world, who doesn’t have to pay to get laid (again your words) — and still claims connection is impossible.

Meanwhile, there are people with severe disabilities, chronic illness, or real barriers who may never experience connection, let alone love — not because they’re unworthy, but because the world doesn’t always meet them halfway. You don’t have that obstacle. You have proximity, privilege, and access. What you lack is the emotional capacity to show up without needing to be chosen first.

That’s not harsh. That’s reality. And pretending otherwise is an insult to people who are truly isolated — not by attitude, but by circumstance. Whether you’re ready to sit with that is your choice.

[+ sniper]

Are your friends not turning into lovers because you're subconsciously keeping them in that box? As an actuary, you should periodically review the data on your book of business to see if any risks belong in a different tier. Also. I think you may have unrealistic expectations a long term relationship can't live up to the thrill of a first encounter with a professional. 

Edited June 1 by sniper

[pubic_assistance]

3 hours ago, lseactuary90 said:

... still seeing this new therapist weekly, nothing useful has come of it just yet. We are back to 'its not you, its them' which I am fed up of hearing

Time for a new therapist.

[+ sniper]

Something that is different about gay relationships is that there is not a presumption about who does the pursuing. Are you perhaps waiting to be wooed rather than doing the wooing, or expecting some sort of 50/50 reciprocity that is kind of rarely how it goes in the real world? Maybe you're gonna need to be the one to do the asking out the first couple(dozen) times.

Also, don't necessarily look down on hookups as having no potential to become more. 15 years ago a friend of mine was fucking a guy from Manhunt 2-3 times a week for 6 months before the bottom said "so when are you going to ask me out on a date?" They're married now and have a kid.

Edited June 1 by sniper