Escorts In NY / BF Experience

[lseactuary90]

I am struggling to find intimacy/connection here in NY (more than hookups) and/or a FB/FWB and/or a BF. I am getting older (approaching mid 30s) and semi loosing hope its gonna work out for me for various reasons. Apps are dead for hookups, bars/parties are also dying out in general. I'm also generally not as attracted to many guys anymore as I used to be, and before my libido dries up, I'm considering the escort path. 

I've reached out to a handful of guys I find hot, but am kinda struggling to lock this down. I admit I only used rent.men because I found another website and everyone was asking for money before meeting so it seemed like a scam. 

On rent.men they are usually visiting, so are booked up or I say when they come lets meet, and then suddenly they are busy / don't reply. 

If we agree on a rate, then last minute they will try and push something like 'oh I can do this rate but come to me' or 'I have dinner plans at 8pm so can't shift the schedule' (and then suddenly the plans are cancelled which is a turn off). Or they only accept Zelle/Venmo and I prefer not to do that since I have a work phone, and offer cash (even with a receipt) but they then seem to get put off.

Communication is generally really poor and infrequent (I wonder if text would improve this). I literally am asking them basic things like can you tell me what kinda stuff the BF experience will include and they don't reply or write something so generic like 'we can flip'. Communication was so much better when I lived in London, and I regret not hiring the escorts I liked back then. 

I've asked for fantasies or ideas to make it exciting, and I'm having to provide this and then they 'choose' (I think because they want me to enjoy, but are barely providing any ideas or initiative). 

I am also 'hot' so I asked a few of the escorts if they want a bf and/or fun and they agree to the fun. But then its just another hookup (or satisfying their needs) and I'm not really looking for that. If I ask for more they don't seem to want that. 

So I still have not met a guy. How do I improve this as I'm getting kinda fed up.

Also am curious if the BF experience is actually going to provide what I am looking for, or if I am just setting myself up for disappointment.

ps I know this is transactional and they will be 'acting' to please me, but honestly at this stage I really don't care, I need to break out of this rut.   

Edited February 16 by lseactuary90

[+ ApexNomad]

25 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

I am struggling to find intimacy/connection here in NY (more than hookups) and/or a FB/FWB and/or a BF. I am getting older (approaching mid 30s) and semi loosing hope its gonna work out for me for various reasons. Apps are dead for hookups, bars/parties are also dying out in general. I'm also generally not as attracted to many guys anymore as I used to be, and before my libido dries up, I'm considering the escort path. 

I've reached out to a handful of guys I find hot, but am kinda struggling to lock this down. I admit I only used rent.men because I found another website and everyone was asking for money before meeting so it seemed like a scam. 

On rent.men they are usually visiting, so are booked up or I say when they come lets meet, and then suddenly they are busy / don't reply. 

If we agree on a rate, then last minute they will try and push something like 'oh I can do this rate but come to me' or 'I have dinner plans at 8pm so can't shift the schedule' (and then suddenly the plans are cancelled which is a turn off). Or they only accept Zelle/Venmo and I prefer not to do that since I have a work phone, and offer cash (even with a receipt) but they then seem to get put off.

Communication is generally really poor and infrequent (I wonder if text would improve this). I literally am asking them basic things like can you tell me what kinda stuff the BF experience will include and they don't reply or write something so generic like 'we can flip'. Communication was so much better when I lived in London, and I regret not hiring the escorts I liked back then. 

I've asked for fantasies or ideas to make it exciting, and I'm having to provide this and then they 'choose' (I think because they want me to enjoy, but are barely providing any ideas or initiative). 

I am also 'hot' so I asked a few of the escorts if they want a bf and/or fun and they agree to the fun. But then its just another hookup (or satisfying their needs) and I'm not really looking for that. If I ask for more they don't seem to want that. 

So I still have not met a guy. How do I improve this as I'm getting kinda fed up.

Also am curious if the BF experience is actually going to provide what I am looking for, or if I am just setting myself up for disappointment.

ps I know this is transactional and they will be 'acting' to please me, but honestly at this stage I really don't care, I need to break out of this rut.   

First of all, mid-30s is not old. Second, it sounds like you’re looking for something real but trying to find it in places that aren’t giving you what you need. Maybe it’s time to rethink where and how you’re looking instead of doubling down on what’s not working. Intimacy from an escort is a transaction, not a relationship. If you want something deeper, this route will only frustrate you more.

[lseactuary90]

1 minute ago, ApexNomad said:

First of all, mid-30s is not old. Second, it sounds like you’re looking for something real but trying to find it in places that aren’t giving you what you need. Maybe it’s time to rethink where and how you’re looking instead of doubling down on what’s not working. Intimacy from an escort is a transaction, not a relationship. If you want something deeper, this route will only frustrate you more.

Im not concerned about being old, I'm concerned that I've spent years looking for something regular - let alone real - and can't seem to find it regardless of what I try. I've done all the conventional things: apps, friends, parties/clubs etc, travelling, therapy (several times) and nothing worked out still to even a FB because of the transient and flakey nature of big cities, and quite frankly, poor quality of men available in the gay community in general (drugged up, several mental issues etc so not someone I would even want a deep connection with). 

I will still continue, the escort path is not a replacement, its just to start having experiences that are different to my normal one off hookups as I'm literally going mad from those. 

[+ ApexNomad]

13 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

Im not concerned about being old, I'm concerned that I've spent years looking for something regular - let alone real - and can't seem to find it regardless of what I try. I've done all the conventional things: apps, friends, parties/clubs etc, travelling, therapy (several times) and nothing worked out still to even a FB because of the transient and flakey nature of big cities, and quite frankly, poor quality of men available in the gay community in general (drugged up, several mental issues etc so not someone I would even want a deep connection with). 

I will still continue, the escort path is not a replacement, its just to start having experiences that are different to my normal one off hookups as I'm literally going mad from those. 

You say you want an FWB or a boyfriend, but it seems like you don’t actually believe that’s possible. You’ve decided the dating pool is trash, apps, clubs, and social circles don’t work, and cities are too flaky. So, how are you supposed to find what you want when you’ve ruled out every path to it?

You also say you’re not concerned, but earlier you mentioned you’re afraid it won’t work out. So which is it? If you’ve tried everything and nothing worked, maybe the problem isn’t just external. Blaming cities, apps, and poor quality men keeps you stuck in a cycle where nothing will ever feel good enough. If you approach all of this with frustration and resentment, even the best opportunities will feel like disappointments.

The escort path might offer a temporary escape, but it won’t give you what you’re really looking for. Intimacy—whether real or transactional—depends on what you bring to it. So, what do you actually want—a real connection, or just a way to break the monotony?

[lseactuary90]

12 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

You say you want an FWB or a boyfriend, but it seems like you don’t actually believe that’s possible. You’ve decided the dating pool is trash, apps, clubs, and social circles don’t work, and cities are too flaky. So, how are you supposed to find what you want when you’ve ruled out every path to it?

You also say you’re not concerned, but earlier you mentioned you’re afraid it won’t work out. So which is it? If you’ve tried everything and nothing worked, maybe the problem isn’t just external. Blaming cities, apps, and poor quality men keeps you stuck in a cycle where nothing will ever feel good enough. If you approach all of this with frustration and resentment, even the best opportunities will feel like disappointments.

The escort path might offer a temporary escape, but it won’t give you what you’re really looking for. Intimacy—whether real or transactional—depends on what you bring to it. So, what do you actually want—a real connection, or just a way to break the monotony?

I want to break away the monotony, to help refire my belly to bother again with finding a FWB or bf. I have been burned so much over the years of constant disappointment and waiting and trying new things only for the same result. I'm done waiting and if my hard earned cash can give me some pleasure I'll take it. I have massages for example, that is a getaway, I'm fully aware, I know its a transaction, but its an hour or so of undivided attention I'm getting, and relaxation. I haven't had that through any other means. 

FWIW - its not just me who is struggling, idk what has happened, but everyone is struggling with even hooking up nowerdays via apps or similar. It wasn't like this before so I still had hope, but its only gotten worse, but I still have needs and dreams I want to fulfil. So I'm just trying to find a sensible solution. I'm happy to give more specific details via DM, but would still like the info I requested on the main thread if you can help. 

Also, for *me* they have not worked, I'm not saying it doesn't work for others, but I don't have the same privileges as others may have in the dating market, so am just looking at my cards and making decisions from there. As I said, I know the escort path doesn't solve the core problem, but it helps provide some comfort while I continue to struggle at least.

Edited February 16 by lseactuary90

[BuffaloKyle]

You're in NYC? Have you checked out your local pride center for social events to meet some people?

[+ ApexNomad]

13 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

I want to break away the monotony, to help refire my belly to bother again with finding a FWB or bf. I have been burned so much over the years of constant disappointment and waiting and trying new things only for the same result. I'm done waiting and if my hard earned cash can give me some pleasure I'll take it. I have massages for example, that is a getaway, I'm fully aware, I know its a transaction, but its an hour or so of undivided attention I'm getting, and relaxation. I haven't had that through any other means. 

FWIW - its not just me who is struggling, idk what has happened, but everyone is struggling with even hooking up nowerdays via apps or similar. It wasn't like this before so I still had hope, but its only gotten worse, but I still have needs and dreams I want to fulfil. So I'm just trying to find a sensible solution. I'm happy to give more specific details via DM, but would still like the info I requested on the main thread if you can help. 

Also, for *me* they have not worked, I'm not saying it doesn't work for others, but I don't have the same privileges as others may have in the dating market, so am just looking at my cards and making decisions from there. As I said, I know the escort path doesn't solve the core problem, but it helps provide some comfort while I continue to struggle at least.

If pleasure is what you want in the moment, I’m not here to stop you. Please enjoy yourself responsibly and respectfully with others. But if what you really want is to break free from this cycle you describe, it might take a little more than just finding the next thing to throw cash at. You deserve something that feels real, and that’s worth holding out for.

[lseactuary90]

1 minute ago, BuffaloKyle said:

You're in NYC? Have you checked out your local pride center for social events to meet some people?

Meeting people is never an issue in NY. Its everything else e.g. consistency, flaking, repeat, interest beyond platonic or if sexual then that becoming more and so on. 

[lseactuary90]

Just now, ApexNomad said:

If pleasure is what you want in the moment, I’m not here to stop you. Please enjoy yourself responsibly and respectfully with others. But if what you really want is to break free from this cycle you describe, it might take a little more than just finding the next thing to throw cash at. You deserve something that feels real, and that’s worth holding out for.

Yes, hence I'm not giving up, but just trying to channel some energy into the in moment stuff, to help alleviate some of this ongoing frustration. If anything, maybe getting some things out of my system may even make me date better I don't know. I have no other ideas to break free from the cycle either, therapy hasn't help because its 'not me', just the world we live in... so I'm not sure what else I can do beyond manage this situation as it is.

[BuffaloKyle]

1 minute ago, lseactuary90 said:

Meeting people is never an issue in NY. Its everything else e.g. consistency, flaking, repeat, interest beyond platonic or if sexual then that becoming more and so on. 

I think what I'm getting at is try it from the other angle. You're meeting up with someone for sex hoping it then leads to relationship/friendship, maybe meet up with guys for friendship which then can lead to sex. Basically find someone who likes you for you first. Not judging you at all because I'm fine with just meeting with guys for no strings attached sex on Rent.men and that's all I need from them.

[lseactuary90]

4 minutes ago, BuffaloKyle said:

I think what I'm getting at is try it from the other angle. You're meeting up with someone for sex hoping it then leads to relationship/friendship, maybe meet up with guys for friendship which then can lead to sex. Basically find someone who likes you for you first. Not judging you at all because I'm fine with just meeting with guys for no strings attached sex on Rent.men and that's all I need from them.

Ah I see what you mean. Yeah that hasn't happened for me unfortunately. Friends remain platonic. Dates are non existent. So basically I have to lead with sex, but it never really goes anywhere. So I'm in this endless loop of having to find someone else, and still not getting my needs met, hence the escort plan, because at least I can finally ask for what I want. 

[+ ApexNomad]

10 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

Yes, hence I'm not giving up, but just trying to channel some energy into the in moment stuff, to help alleviate some of this ongoing frustration. If anything, maybe getting some things out of my system may even make me date better I don't know. I have no other ideas to break free from the cycle either, therapy hasn't help because its 'not me', just the world we live in... so I'm not sure what else I can do beyond manage this situation as it is.

Meeting men as escorts is a transactional setup, where the power dynamic is entirely different. Expecting something more like a FWB or a boyfriend is not realistic. If you’re looking for that center-of-attention feeling—great—but remember, you’re paying for that service. Don’t leave the encounter thinking you’ve just made a new best friend or that something more permanent is on the horizon. Please manage your expectations accordingly.

[Johnrom]

These guys here are giving you very good advice. Honestly, leading with sex will not get you what you ultimately desire. Escorts are  just a short term fix, but an unsatisfying  band aid long term.  Get involved in some non profit work. Meet people through friend groups and be open to blind dates from friends. Have realistic expectations and make yourself available to meeting new people. Change your routines for finding guys if your current methods are not working for you.  Time for a new attitude and you may be pleasantly  surprised !! 

[lseactuary90]

2 hours ago, ApexNomad said:

Meeting men as escorts is a transactional setup, where the power dynamic is entirely different. Expecting something more like a FWB or a boyfriend is not realistic. If you’re looking for that center-of-attention feeling—great—but remember, you’re paying for that service. Don’t leave the encounter thinking you’ve just made a new best friend or that something more permanent is on the horizon. Please manage your expectations accordingly.

I think you are merging the 2 together but I am not. An escort cannot become a FWB or BF, I am well aware of this. However, through the service if I at least get to feel the 'centre of attention' feeling, maybe i encourages me to find someone *outside* of escorting to provide that more permanently. Because at the moment its dry as hell and I'm not experiencing anything anyway. 

[lseactuary90]

1 hour ago, Johnrom said:

These guys here are giving you very good advice. Honestly, leading with sex will not get you what you ultimately desire. Escorts are  just a short term fix, but an unsatisfying  band aid long term.  Get involved in some non profit work. Meet people through friend groups and be open to blind dates from friends. Have realistic expectations and make yourself available to meeting new people. Change your routines for finding guys if your current methods are not working for you.  Time for a new attitude and you may be pleasantly  surprised !! 

And what if no one dates you or is into you through the friend groups or sets you up on blind dates (usually because they are taken / don't know someone looking / etc). What do you do? 

[+ ApexNomad]

43 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

I think you are merging the 2 together but I am not. An escort cannot become a FWB or BF, I am well aware of this. However, through the service if I at least get to feel the 'centre of attention' feeling, maybe i encourages me to find someone *outside* of escorting to provide that more permanently. Because at the moment its dry as hell and I'm not experiencing anything anyway. 

 

4 hours ago, lseactuary90 said:

I am also 'hot' so I asked a few of the escorts if they want a bf and/or fun and they agree to the fun. 

^ here’s what you said. 

Now you’re saying you know escorts can’t be a BF or FWB. If you already know that, why are you even asking? You’re relying on a transactional encounter to fill a void, even though you know it won’t evolve into anything more substantial. It’s exactly what you’re trying to escape, and it just confirms the cycle you’re fed up with.

[lseactuary90]

4 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

 

^ here’s what you said. 

Now you’re saying you know escorts can’t be a BF or FWB. If you already know that, why are you even asking? You’re relying on a transactional encounter to fill a void, even though you know it won’t evolve into anything more substantial. It’s exactly what you’re trying to escape, and it just confirms the cycle you’re fed up with.

I think you misread my statement but I will leave it there.

[+ ApexNomad]

52 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

And what if no one dates you or is into you through the friend groups or sets you up on blind dates (usually because they are taken / don't know someone looking / etc). What do you do? 

What do you do? You make friends. No one’s foolish enough to turn away from a genuine friendship for a fleeting fix.

[ShortCutie7]

3 hours ago, lseactuary90 said:

Meeting people is never an issue in NY. It’s everything else e.g. consistency, flaking, repeat, interest beyond platonic or if sexual then that becoming more and so on. 
 

Try looking in new places- think arts professions and organizations, gay sports leagues, etc.  There are lots of hot, single gay men in the arts (whether professionally or just as a hobby/interest) who do not have drug problems.

[lseactuary90]

17 minutes ago, ShortCutie7 said:

Try looking in new places- think arts professions and organizations, gay sports leagues, etc.  There are lots of hot, single gay men in the arts (whether professionally or just as a hobby/interest) who do not have drug problems.

I've done most of this already.

[+ ApexNomad]

4 hours ago, lseactuary90 said:

Also, for *me* they have not worked, I'm not saying it doesn't work for others, but I don't have the same privileges as others may have in the dating market, so am just looking at my cards and making decisions from there. As I said, I know the escort path doesn't solve the core problem, but it helps provide some comfort while I continue to struggle at least.

What privileges are you talking about? You literally said you’re “hot,”—by gay dating standards, that already puts you ahead of a lot of people who are somehow managing to find connection. So what exactly is holding you back? Because it sounds less like external factors and more like something in your approach or mindset that’s keeping you stuck.

[mike carey]

It seems our friend has been wresting with similar difficulties for some time.

The image was posted by someone else later in the thread, not by the OP.

[lseactuary90]

11 hours ago, mike carey said:

It seems our friend has been wresting with similar difficulties for some time.

The image was posted by someone else later in the thread, not by the OP.

I decided to try making even more effort to go out more to find guys instead of going down the escort route after posting that thread and reading the replies. So I didn't proceed with the escort route at the time. I was not successful with my effort, hence I am basically back to this route.

The pic in the thread is not me BTW. 

[lseactuary90]

16 hours ago, ApexNomad said:

What privileges are you talking about? You literally said you’re “hot,”—by gay dating standards, that already puts you ahead of a lot of people who are somehow managing to find connection. So what exactly is holding you back? Because it sounds less like external factors and more like something in your approach or mindset that’s keeping you stuck.

I wish I knew what is holding me back. I am doing all the things other people seem to be doing and getting results, so I genuinely don't know what is not working out for me here. I would love to find out what it is. Maybe an escort could actually help me with this because how else do I find out (therapy has not gleaned anything useful)? 

[+ ApexNomad]

32 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

I wish I knew what is holding me back. I am doing all the things other people seem to be doing and getting results, so I genuinely don't know what is not working out for me here. I would love to find out what it is. Maybe an escort could actually help me with this because how else do I find out (therapy has not gleaned anything useful)? 

I had the laborious pleasure of reading what you wrote back in 2023–“Escort Suggestion for Hot Guy”—and here we are—same frustrations, same explanations, same lack of progress. You say you want to rethink your approach, but all you’re doing is rehashing the same complaints and dismissing every possible solution. If therapy, dating apps, social events, and now even escorts aren’t working, the issue isn’t the world—it’s you. So the real question is, are you actually willing to change something, or are you just looking for someone to validate your excuses?