The death of sex

[Guest]

They say marriage is the death of sex.

I'm recently married to a man. I love him with all my heart--it's true, I go oogey gooey sentimental over this guy; it's been a dream come true with him.

With one exception.

The sex is rarely satisfying.

I can count on one hand (and still have fingers leftover) how many times our sex has been memorable.

It's not his "fault;" I just think it's a mismatch of desires in sex. He likes "spontaneous" and "organic," which means that he's not often "in the mood," so if he is, we'd better jump on the opportunity quickly. He tends to go fast and forceful, which tires him out within mere minutes and frankly offers me little pleasure, whether he's using my mouth or ass.

i like to plan ahead and make a big event of it. Candles, music, lots of sensual touch as foreplay, easing in to things, slow and gentle sucking, although I do like getting pounded after we've reached that point where penetration is eminent. The best sex I've had in my life was over hours.

Plus, I enjoy sucking him. I could suck him for 20-30 minutes or more, and I love giving him that kind of pleasure. But when it comes to sucking me (or stroking me for that matter), give it a minute or two and he's tired of it. The result: he gets all the pleasure, and I masturbate to finish.

Plus we're in different shape. It's funny because I'm the chubbier one, but I'm more active and eat better (I'm on the fitness journey, so I used to be much heavier, and I'm at the point where I'm doing the work, watching my muscle grow, fat decrease, and extra bulk shrink). He has one of those god-like metabolisms where he still eats McDonalds burgers with fries and McFlurries with a Coke, never exercises (and I do mean never), and still is in better shape than me, with my hour of cardio a day, 6 days of weight lifting, and I'm getting sick of being consigned to tuna cans, ground turkey, and skinless chicken breast. So, despite my lingering pudge, I have all the energy and stamina and flexibility. And he is frequently too tired, sluggish, or again, rarely "in the mood."

We've talked, as we should in a relationship. And I've outright told everything I just said, and that I want this part of our relationship to match all the other parts, which are wonderful. But frankly, masturbating in the other room while fucking myself with a dildo or vibrator gives me a much better time than sex with him. And I've started to fantasize about previous sexual partners, who I left for a reason because they were shitty to me... but they at least knew how to give me a good time.

And I started booking sensual massages again. My rule is no penetration and no mouth; just hands. And hubby knows about this. But it did strike me the other day, after a GREAT massage with edging, that this other guy gave me the best sexual experience I've had in nearly a year...

So I'm torn. This guy really is perfect for me in every way, except on the sexual front...

And since this group has people with lots of opinions, and since my profile gives nothing of my identity away, I figured I'd ask for some advice from strangers on the Internet 😂 what could go wrong?

What do you got for me?

[CuriousByNature]

Since you've already told him about your concerns, perhaps the next step is to see a couple's counsellor with a specialty in sex therapy?  Also, it might be a good idea for him to see his doctor and get some blood work, if there is any concern that his lack of being in the mood is the result of hormonal or other changes.

Most importantly - consider contacting NASA.  Anyone who can eat McDonalds, never exercise, and remain in shape is probably an alien.

[+ ApexNomad]

1 hour ago, JD-Angel said:

They say marriage is the death of sex.

I'm recently married to a man. I love him with all my heart--it's true, I go oogey gooey sentimental over this guy; it's been a dream come true with him.

With one exception.

The sex is rarely satisfying.

I can count on one hand (and still have fingers leftover) how many times our sex has been memorable.

It's not his "fault;" I just think it's a mismatch of desires in sex. He likes "spontaneous" and "organic," which means that he's not often "in the mood," so if he is, we'd better jump on the opportunity quickly. He tends to go fast and forceful, which tires him out within mere minutes and frankly offers me little pleasure, whether he's using my mouth or ass.

i like to plan ahead and make a big event of it. Candles, music, lots of sensual touch as foreplay, easing in to things, slow and gentle sucking, although I do like getting pounded after we've reached that point where penetration is eminent. The best sex I've had in my life was over hours.

Plus, I enjoy sucking him. I could suck him for 20-30 minutes or more, and I love giving him that kind of pleasure. But when it comes to sucking me (or stroking me for that matter), give it a minute or two and he's tired of it. The result: he gets all the pleasure, and I masturbate to finish.

Plus we're in different shape. It's funny because I'm the chubbier one, but I'm more active and eat better (I'm on the fitness journey, so I used to be much heavier, and I'm at the point where I'm doing the work, watching my muscle grow, fat decrease, and extra bulk shrink). He has one of those god-like metabolisms where he still eats McDonalds burgers with fries and McFlurries with a Coke, never exercises (and I do mean never), and still is in better shape than me, with my hour of cardio a day, 6 days of weight lifting, and I'm getting sick of being consigned to tuna cans, ground turkey, and skinless chicken breast. So, despite my lingering pudge, I have all the energy and stamina and flexibility. And he is frequently too tired, sluggish, or again, rarely "in the mood."

We've talked, as we should in a relationship. And I've outright told everything I just said, and that I want this part of our relationship to match all the other parts, which are wonderful. But frankly, masturbating in the other room while fucking myself with a dildo or vibrator gives me a much better time than sex with him. And I've started to fantasize about previous sexual partners, who I left for a reason because they were shitty to me... but they at least knew how to give me a good time.

And I started booking sensual massages again. My rule is no penetration and no mouth; just hands. And hubby knows about this. But it did strike me the other day, after a GREAT massage with edging, that this other guy gave me the best sexual experience I've had in nearly a year...

So I'm torn. This guy really is perfect for me in every way, except on the sexual front...

And since this group has people with lots of opinions, and since my profile gives nothing of my identity away, I figured I'd ask for some advice from strangers on the Internet 😂 what could go wrong?

What do you got for me?

It sounds like you’ve built a beautiful, loving foundation with your husband, and that’s something truly worth celebrating. But I understand how a sexual disconnect can feel isolating, even in an otherwise perfect relationship. Love is about more than sex, but sex is still an important part of intimacy and it sounds like you’re seeking a deeper connection in that space.

One thing I’ve learned with time is that desire and intimacy don’t always come naturally, even in great relationships; they often need to be cultivated, just like any other part of a partnership. You seem to have already made an effort to communicate your needs, which is huge. But here’s a gentle challenge: instead of just focusing on the mismatch, explore what new sexual experiences you both might discover together. Maybe try introducing a “date night” where sex is the playful focus, without pressure to get it perfect. Sometimes when we approach things from curiosity rather than expectation, magic can happen.

If you’re open to it, seeing a counselor as another member mentioned, one who specializes in relationships, sex and intimacy, can help spark deeper conversations and solutions. And while I don’t know how old either of you are, different seasons of life sometimes bring different sexual dynamics, which a skilled professional can help navigate.

There’s also the option of exploring ethical non-monogamy, if both of you are willing to have that conversation. Some couples find that an open relationship, built on trust and clear boundaries, can actually strengthen their connection. But that’s deeply personal and only works if both partners are fully on board.

Whatever path you take, keep holding space for the love and laughter you share—it’s rare and beautiful. And don’t be afraid to keep advocating for your pleasure, gently but unapologetically. I’m rooting for you both.

[Guest]

19 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

It sounds like you’ve built a beautiful, loving foundation with your husband, and that’s something truly worth celebrating. But I understand how a sexual disconnect can feel isolating, even in an otherwise perfect relationship. Love is about more than sex, but sex is still an important part of intimacy and it sounds like you’re seeking a deeper connection in that space.

One thing I’ve learned with time is that desire and intimacy don’t always come naturally, even in great relationships; they often need to be cultivated, just like any other part of a partnership. You seem to have already made an effort to communicate your needs, which is huge. But here’s a gentle challenge: instead of just focusing on the mismatch, explore what new sexual experiences you both might discover together. Maybe try introducing a “date night” where sex is the playful focus, without pressure to get it perfect. Sometimes when we approach things from curiosity rather than expectation, magic can happen.

If you’re open to it, seeing a counselor as another member mentioned, one who specializes in relationships, sex and intimacy, can help spark deeper conversations and solutions. And while I don’t know how old either of you are, different seasons of life sometimes bring different sexual dynamics, which a skilled professional can help navigate.

There’s also the option of exploring ethical non-monogamy, if both of you are willing to have that conversation. Some couples find that an open relationship, built on trust and clear boundaries, can actually strengthen their connection. But that’s deeply personal and only works if both partners are fully on board.

Whatever path you take, keep holding space for the love and laughter you share—it’s rare and beautiful. And don’t be afraid to keep advocating for your pleasure, gently but unapologetically. I’m rooting for you both.

THANK YOU! This was wonderful advice and really got me thinking in a more constructive way.

for reference, I'm 36 and he's 33.

and it's true--our relationship is beautiful in ways I had never conceived of prior to finding "the one."

because of that, I have been more sensitive to this lack of good sex, since it's the one weak link in the chain.

Thank you!

[+ ApexNomad]

5 minutes ago, JD-Angel said:

THANK YOU! This was wonderful advice and really got me thinking in a more constructive way.

for reference, I'm 36 and he's 33.

and it's true--our relationship is beautiful in ways I had never conceived of prior to finding "the one."

because of that, I have been more sensitive to this lack of good sex, since it's the one weak link in the chain.

Thank you!

I wish I had my head on as straight at your age and been as open and communicative as you are. Good for you!

The fact that you’re approaching this with such thoughtfulness speaks volumes about the strength of your relationship and the care you bring to it. Keep leaning into that love and curiosity, and I have no doubt you’ll continue to find ways to bridge that gap. Wishing you both much joy and happiness!

[wsc]

2 hours ago, ApexNomad said:

It sounds like you’ve built a beautiful, loving foundation with your husband, and that’s something truly worth celebrating. But I understand how a sexual disconnect can feel isolating, even in an otherwise perfect relationship. Love is about more than sex, but sex is still an important part of intimacy and it sounds like you’re seeking a deeper connection in that space.

One thing I’ve learned with time is that desire and intimacy don’t always come naturally, even in great relationships; they often need to be cultivated, just like any other part of a partnership. You seem to have already made an effort to communicate your needs, which is huge. But here’s a gentle challenge: instead of just focusing on the mismatch, explore what new sexual experiences you both might discover together. Maybe try introducing a “date night” where sex is the playful focus, without pressure to get it perfect. Sometimes when we approach things from curiosity rather than expectation, magic can happen.

If you’re open to it, seeing a counselor as another member mentioned, one who specializes in relationships, sex and intimacy, can help spark deeper conversations and solutions. And while I don’t know how old either of you are, different seasons of life sometimes bring different sexual dynamics, which a skilled professional can help navigate.

There’s also the option of exploring ethical non-monogamy, if both of you are willing to have that conversation. Some couples find that an open relationship, built on trust and clear boundaries, can actually strengthen their connection. But that’s deeply personal and only works if both partners are fully on board.

Whatever path you take, keep holding space for the love and laughter you share—it’s rare and beautiful. And don’t be afraid to keep advocating for your pleasure, gently but unapologetically. I’m rooting for you both.

One of the most well-written, well-considered, and thoughtful responses I've ever seen in these fora - apart from my own, of course.🤣

Seriously, thank you for sharing your insights.

[mike carey]

3 hours ago, wsc said:

One of the most well-written, well-considered, and thoughtful responses I've ever seen in these fora - apart from my own, of course.🤣

Seriously, thank you for sharing your insights.

@ApexNomad is fast confirming himself to be an ornament to these forums.

[+ ApexNomad]

5 hours ago, mike carey said:

@ApexNomad is fast confirming himself to be an ornament to these forums.

Thank you, Mike. And happy birthday to you. I hope your day was filled with lots of love and happiness. All the best.

[liubit]

14 hours ago, ApexNomad said:

There’s also the option of exploring ethical non-monogamy, if both of you are willing to have that conversation. Some couples find that an open relationship, built on trust and clear boundaries, can actually strengthen their connection. But that’s deeply personal and only works if both partners are fully on board

I have been in a 20+ year relationship with my now husband and, over the years, sex has gone from “every day” to regular, to sporadic, to rare, and finally to “never”.

My sexual drive is way stronger than his -even if I am a decade older than him-, so we decided long ago to go the totally open relationship route. We set up a few basic rules:

1.- Always kiss and tell, no secret encounters

2.- Do not bring dates home

3.- Hired providers are preferred over non-commercial hook ups

The system, especially the total disclosure aspect, has worked very well for us. We are still deeply in love, and the lack of sex gets taken care of in a very satisfactory way for both of us.

Edited January 29 by liubit

[+ Charlie]

Unfortunately. our society pushes the message that romantic love automatically produces satisfying sex. Our sexual interests, however, usually long precede our romantic entanglements, and are hardwired in ways that don't necessarily coincide with those of our romantic partners. It's great when one falls in love with someone whose sexual desires complement his own, but I wonder how often that really happens. I suspect that most successful marriages include sexual compromises, spoken or unspoken. However, you can't force even someone who loves you to react the way you would like him to when it comes to sexual turn-ons or turn-offs. The best you can do is try to explain what turns each of you on or off (explaining the why is more difficult, perhaps even impossible to explain understandably). Perhaps a trained counselor could help you.

As I have mentioned here before, my partner and I were sexually attracted to one another (we decided to become partners after only one night together), but we were also incompatible in some ways, and we both were already fairly sexually experienced when we met. Sex was never the sole or even primary bond between us, so we consciously worked out the compromises early on, and luckily they satisfied both of us. No. 1 in liubit's compromise above was the most critical agreement for both of us. Over the years, each of us had plenty of enjoyable sex with other people, and less and less with one another, until we both reached an age when we weren't really interested in having sex with anyone. We never felt that an exciting sex life with one another was critical for our relationship--we felt that sex should be fun, not something that we had to work at, like our different attitudes toward money.

[Peter Eater]

Sex and intimacy are two different things. A therapist can help the two of you to understand and accept the differences, as well as negotiate a workable arrangement for hiring commercial sex.