Death & Dying

[Guest ncm2169]

Looking for some Words of Wisdom here.

 

My roommie, who I have discussed here who happens to be an escort, is hurting badly today which also happens to be his birthday.

 

He is grieving the passing of his first StepDad who died today at age 50 from colon cancer, just about 3 weeks after being diagnosed and given the terminal cancer pronouncement. x(

 

I don't do death and dying well, and have little in the way of "cheering up" material to help him through his grief. I have tried to get him focused on turning this into a positive/lesson for himself, i.e., don't wait until he's 50 to begin regularly scheduled colonoscopies, but he feels that is faint consolation.

 

Anyone here wish to contribute some words of wisdom?

 

Thanks! :-)

[+ Lucky]

Our friend in Seattle, Greg, seaboy for hire, raised a similar subject recently when his grandfather died. So much of how a person reacts depends on how close they are.

 

Since your roomie is hurt, I think there are no words of wisdom to be offered at a time like this. Death sucks when it's a loved one's. Just to be close, to show your love, and let him grieve the way he wants to is the best you can do.

 

When I lost a close friend, the worst thing I heard was "It was his time." That struck me as such bullshit, it was definitely not comforting.

[+ deej]

Everyone grieves their own way, and it varies depending on the personal relationship they had with the deceased.

 

I'll agree with Lucky that you should avoid the empty words. Just be there, be his friend, and make sure he knows you're there. But if he wants to crawl in a corner and sulk, LET HIM.

 

I lost my Mom on Feb. 2nd. The absolute worst words I heard (often) were "she had a full life", "she died too young", and "it was her time". (Lucky is right about that last one!)

 

The second-worst were the "heart-felt" condolences from people who hadn't had contact with her in 15 years. If they didn't care enough to pick up the phone when she was alive, it's a little late.

 

Don't try to cheer him up -- he may not be in the mood for it. He may *need* a few days of feeling bad to process it.

 

Just be there. Be his pal. It's the best thing you can do.

[Guest CURIOUS35]

I found this on the Net. It is a beautifully written piece and i would like to share with you all!

 

The two poles of existance: Life anxiety and death anxiety

by Robert Gerzon

 

 

Because we human beings are individual organisms, conscious of our separateness from one another and from the universe, we are simultaneously confronted with life anxiety and death anxiety. Our life anxiety is our fear of fully experiencing our aliveness, our creative power and our existential isolation. Our death anxiety is about the dreaded annihilation of the self: losing power, being absorbed back into the universe and ceasing to exist as an independent individual.

 

Fortunately we can avoid becoming paralyzed and panicked by the polarities of life and death. By choosing to "sit with anxiety," we avoid the twin traps of fighting anxiety or trying to run from it. Instead of letting the two existential poles of anxiety paralyze us, we embrace them and transform them into sources of power and inner peace.

 

Transforming Life and Death Anxiety into Serenity

 

Death is the great mystery of life.The big question, the most unfathomable one for all people, is "What happens when I die?" There is a part of me that can�t wait to find out how the story ends--what happens after death? The meaning we give life is inseparable from the meaning we give death. A universal essence within me knows that, when the body and brain cease functioning, the adventure of consciousness continues in some other form. Even our daily need to visit the dark realm of sleep reminds us of the presence of death --the "big sleep"--in the midst of life. Our desire for relaxation is evidence of our need to "die" regularly, and of death�s rejuvenating powers.

 

Our anxiety about death keeps us from recognizing our own true and healthy love of death. When we accept the reality and the mystery of death we can begin to love death in a positive way, as a part of the perpetually renewing cycle of life, as liberation and reunion with our Source. Far from signifying any morbid desire to die, loving death simply means accepting death as a natural and sacred part of life.

 

When we deny or ignore both our death anxiety and our death love, the death urge turns toxic and we are doomed to act it out destructively as self-sabotage or as injurious behavior toward others. Freud called this repressed attraction to death thanatos, and described how it turned into aggression and self-destruction. But if we embrace the "grim reaper," we find that its terrifying appearance is nothing but the embodiment of our own fears. Once accepted, it is transformed into the joyful Angel who guides us on our eternal journey. Our death anxiety dies and is reborn as a sacred love of death.

 

Wise men and women throughout the ages spent their lives preparing for and becoming friends with death, so that when it came it neither took them by surprise nor made them anxious. We can cultivate a healthy appreciation of death by meditating upon it.

 

When I begin a death meditation, I start by choosing to "die" for a little while. I simply imagine being dead--and instantly all worries, responsibilities and time pressures dissolve. I experience the peace and freedom that accompany the death of my self. I allow my consciousness to expand into the all-embracing oneness. In dying I lose my self but gain the universe. I have found that enjoying this temporary "death of the self" for fifteen or twenty minutes can be marvelously relaxing and refreshing. Death meditation is a way to practice the art of letting go, to see daily events from a larger perspective, and to cultivate a relationship with the timeless.

 

Just as embracing death anxiety allows us to experience a healthy love and acceptance of death, choosing to face the life anxiety of selfhood will usher us into the sacred realm of abundant and eternal life. Then we can finally allow life energy (what Freud callederos) to course through us, free and unfettered. Our life anxiety becomes a sacred love of life that experiences the miracle of aliveness with wonder and gratitude. When we love both life and death there is nothing left to fear--and we can experience the "peace that passes understanding."

[+ purplekow]

Take some quiet time together. Given that you are roommates, you should not have any difficulty there. Then just ask him to tell you about his step father, a funny story, a touching story, an embarrassing story. By sharing his memories of his step-father, your roommate may better realize that there is a part of his step father that goes on and by asking, you give your roommate the permission to express feelings which he might otherwise hesitate to share out a fear of overstepping bounds or a fear of making you uncomfortable.

The biggest honor we can give those that pass before us is to remember them, speak of them, tell their stories and use their lives to enrich our own and those of the people we love.

[seaboy4hire]

I agree with Mr. Kow, maybe sharing stories with you about his step father is a good idea but I think I'd let him do this at his own will. Even though it's been about 25 yrs or so since she died I still have loving memories of my great grandma and I often think of those times together with her as a little kid. She might be gone but her memory and the little bit of time I had with her still live in my memory and heart and your roomie will realize the same as time goes by.

 

Hugs,

Greg

[email protected]

http://seaboy4hire.tripod.com http://www.daddysreviews.com/newest.php?who=greg_seattle

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Chicago Jan 30th, Feb 1, 2, and 4th

[twinkboylover28]

Many people will offer cliches which might anger you: "Time Heals All Wounds", "He Had a Full Life", and tons of "God/religion" cliches which will likely add little comfort.

 

As others have stated, everyone handles death in their own way. I realize now that most people are well-meaning and just didn't know what to say to me.

 

I didn't experience "death" until I was 30-years-old (I will celebrate my 34th b-day this Wednesday). I was completely sheltered from it in my personal life.

 

In the last 4-years I've watched my Father die from a horrific cancer (melanoma) while holding his hand. I witnessed (what I later found out was called) the "death-rattle" while observing the last beat of my Dad's heart stop.

 

I've also lost a friend who killed himself (suicide) at a very young age last year.

 

It can have a profound impact on your life. There is never "closure" as it is always remains a part of your life.

 

For me, I attended "public" grief counseling through the funeral home, which was of little benefit.

 

Close friends are very benficial, as well as maybe throwing yourself into your work or hobby. I spent most of my time in nature parks, in the woods, and watching the nite sky.

 

Helping others also eased my pain. Ultimately, each person is "forced" to "move-on" and get busy living the rest of their life.

 

People will educate you on the "stages" of grieving and offer books regarding bereavement; however, it's ultimatly up to each individual to deal with it in his unique way. There is absolutely nothing that anyone can say or do to make it "better". It's a process.

 

Some throw themself into their religion while others start to question it. There is no "right way" to deal with the experience.

 

Just like you didn't know how life would be before you went through the process of birth, nobody knows whats on the other side of the process of death... however most will deal with grief in their own unique way.

[+ Charlie]

Some people need to be surrounded with comforters, and others want to grieve alone. Let him know you're there for that if he is one of the former, but don't push it if he is one of the latter.

[Bilbo]

The best way of mourning has to be tailor made for both the person who is mourning and the person who is being mourned.

When my Mom died, I took solace in the old Irish saying "May you be in Heaven an hour before the Devil knows you're dead." And we had to bury her on April Fools Day, which bothered me at first, but then it helped me to visualize her sitting on a porch in Heaven thumbing her nose at the Devil.

When my Lover of six years died, I wore black for a year. Very Victorian, I know, but it helped. I also visualized him in Heaven, riding with God's horse cavalry, fighting to get the cure for AIDS through the Devil's army. Then, later, to think of him having been reincarnated as a pretty girl with frilly clothes and loving, attentive parents. (He had been adopted, estranged from his stepmother, and a drag queen who did the comic roles, many times in AIDS bar benefits he and I organized as well as performing in.)

Now, obviously, none of these will work for him. I am just illustrating "different strokes for different folks."

And taking time is important. I was once told that it takes about half the time a relationship has lasted to "get over it" when it stops (here on Earth). That resonated inside of me as truth.

When he is ready, if one of his problems is things that he wanted to tell his Father but never did, it can be helpful for him to pretend that either you or a piece of furniture with you watching are his Father and then to say those things to that substitute and know that they are "being heard."

[OneFinger]

Perhaps the best thing in this situation is to say nothing. Right now I'm sure his nerves are rubbed raw with emotions and he feels like he's sliding down the razor blade of life.

 

When I've lost a love one, I really appreciated the friends that didn't push a conversation and provided a place to escape from dealing with death. You're hit with so many issues and decisions at once that you sometimes just need a rest.

 

Specifically, I remember a good friend just letting me snuggle up against him on the couch while we listened to music. No need for conversations or to re-live memories. I was just held and knew I was in an emotionally safe place.

 

I also remember going to the closet to shine my dress shoes and finding it was already done. My favorite dress shirt was freshly ironed and ready for me to wear for the visitation and services.

 

I had another friend that discretely kept notes on the flower arrangements that were delivered and who sent them. He also included a photo from his cell phone which was a great help when I started writing acknowledgements.

 

Another suggestion is that grief assistance may be helpful in a few weeks. I knew my emotions would be high during the week of the funereal. But, I "thought" things would get back to normal in a couple of weeks. About 2 months after the death of my father I was still at an emotional low.

 

At that point I went to grief counseling offered by a local hospice group. That really helped me. But, I don't think I was ready for it immediately after the death.

 

Hope things work out for both of you. It can be a difficult time.

[Guest ncm2169]

Thanks to all who responded. You truly reinforce the notion that everyone grieves in their own way.

 

It's appropriate that I share with you a "different approach" to death and dying which recently "opened its doors" here in Mpls by some friends of mine:

 

http://www.partythereafter.com/

 

http://instinctmagazine.com/business/brad-farnham--scott-novak---putting-the-fun-in-funeral.html

[twinkboylover28]

Sounds like another business capitalizing off death to me.

[jakobsen]

>He is grieving the passing of his first StepDad who died today

>at age 50 from colon cancer, just about 3 weeks after being

>diagnosed and given the terminal cancer pronouncement. x(

 

Dying at 50 is young; dying from colon cancer at 50 is unfair since routine screening for colon cancer is done at age 50 and older. So boys, if you're approaching 50, do yourself a favor and get scheduled for a colonoscopy.

[Guest Merlin]

It might help to remind him, if it doesn't sound to hard, of the passage in Hamlet when Hamlet is told his grieving is excessive. Your father also lost a father, who lost a father, who lost a father, who lost a father, who lost a father etc. (not an exct quote). Everyone eventually loses his parents, it is an inevitable part of life.

Also remember that guilt is usually, or always, an important component of grief, often the most important component. We always wish we had been better, more considerate. We should have told him that we loved him. Should have spent more time with him, etc. When we grow up we think our parents are immortal and imutable, and of course, we leave the nest and focus on our own new lives, loves, careers.

You friend may be reluctant to talk about the guilt component, but it is there, and it may help to point out that it is inevitable but usually excessive. Our parents know whether we love them nor not, even if it is not stated. And they forgive us all those little neglects and slights.

[Guest ncm2169]

< Dying at 50 is young; dying from colon cancer at 50 ...

 

Actually I just found out he was only 48. DEFINITELY time to re-think the medical advice to "begin" routine colonoscopys when you turn 50! x(

[Guest josephga]

I had colon cancer in my 30's and knew a guy once that had it in his late 20s