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seaboy4hire
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I'm not sure how I feel right now. I got news today that my grandpa on my moms side passed the other day. I haven't spoken to anyone on that side of the family for the last 10 years and have no desire to start any time soon. But most of me isn't really sad of my grandpa's passing. I called Boobers to tell him and he asked how I was doing and I said I was fine. Told him that death happens and no one can avoid it it's just part of nature. Does this make me sound cold? He kind of seemed surprised by my answer. I don't want to seem insensitive but that is how I feel on the subject. I don't really know why I am sharing this with the group. Oh well. Gotta find some food. I'm starving like a mo fo right now.

 

Hugs,

Greg

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Chicago Jan 30th, Feb 1, 2, and 4th

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I think when relatives pass away that you haven't been very

close or possibly ever that close to, it makes very good sense

that you won't suddenly have a gigantic outpouring of emotion

or feel all that sad about the passing of someone that

frankly you barely even knew anymore.

 

It sounds to me like you weren't really that close to him

for a lot longer than 10 years. I think society expects us

sometimes to act in a certain way and show feelings that

that are sometimes not genuine. Especially when someone

passes on, whether we liked them or not. I say feel what

you feel or don't feel. Putting on a show or doing what

other people or society say you are "supposed" to do is

just not being genuine or honest with yourself or others.

 

Your grandpa and also that whole side of your family

has had 10 years to reach out to you and they haven't.

Nor have they motivated you to do the same. They are

still your relatives but these people over time are

not emotionally going to feel that much like family

the longer time passes. Its not that way in the

movies, when people always have to reunite with

hugs and tears. The truth is, you just might not

really care. They have had an equal chance to

care about you, and they've chosen not to.

It's just the way things are.

 

Lookin4hotties

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Seaboy,

 

First of all, please understand that I'm not criticizing your terminology. But it contrasts with my own, and that intrigues me.

 

Because death is the natural end of life, as you say, I use "he died," "his death," and "he's been dead for some time" rather than "passing," "passed over/on," "is gone" and especially rather than "went to be with his Heavenly Father" or "went on to glory." Different cultures, family histories, religions, geographical regions? Or is it that death is so mysterious that we still have the ancient fear of speaking its name for fear of invoking it? Sort of like "speak of the Devil and who should appear."

 

Any comments from the linguists, philosophers, anthropologists?

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I use both "death" and "passing" in their various forms (eg. died, death,dead) depending on who I am talking about and to whom I am talking or writing. I try to consider how the word death will impact the listener. It may be unnecessary but I feel that if the person would rather hear "passing" or "passed on" I will use that rather than "died". Passed is a euphemism whereas death is not. Some people can handle straight talk better than others. When in doubt, I use "passed'. I never use "gone to glory" or "gone to his heavenly father" as I don't believe that is the case!

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Animals die. End of story. Finito. However, most human beings have difficulty accepting that for their loved ones, or even for anyone with whom they feel some sort of bond. Those "dearly departed" have moved on, crossed over, passed on to some other stage of existence, even if it is only in the memories of those left behind. I think it is natural for people to avoid the finality of "he died" for anyone other than those whom they wanted dead.

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Guest josephga

I felt nothing when my grandmother died last year. I hadn't seen her in about 8 years so i didn't have that emotional connection.. I didnt even go to the funeral

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Seaboy, your lack of emotion under the circumstances is not unnatural at all, so don't be cowed into thinking that you should feel something you don't. When I was 16, my grandfather died, and many people offered me their condolences. However, although I saw him a couple of times a week, I didn't particularly like him--he was a grumpy, controlling old man. I didn't know how to respond to the sympathy, and probably feigned some grief that I didn't feel, especially in front of family members. Now, I would just say, "Thanks, but we weren't very close emotionally, so I'm doing fine."

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Luv2play,

 

I agree entirely, you have to take the "audience" into consideration, out of respect for them and their feelings about the deceased.

 

BTW, I forgot one. "We lost him last year." Oh, really. Did you look around carefully enough? Maybe in that urn over there? Or under the bed? Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, they say.

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RE: Animal's souls

 

I don't agree with you that animals just die, period. I spend a lot of my time praying for road kill as Maverick drives me from place to place. And I feel that the dog and cat that were our companions and died over the last three years, did go to Heaven, at least for a while. (I don't believe that "all dogs go to Heaven" and I do believe that some souls are reincarnated.)

 

And I do think that much of the crying when a human dies is for the person doing the crying. If you do believe in Heaven, then its nicest to assume that you grandfather did go there. So, why would it be necessary be sad for him? And as his passing is not going to make any difference in your life, why be sad for yourself?

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Guest zipperzone

>Your grandpa and also that whole side of your family

>has had 10 years to reach out to you and they haven't.

>Nor have they motivated you to do the same. They are

>still your relatives but these people over time are

>not emotionally going to feel that much like family

>the longer time passes.

 

You can pick your friends but you are stuck with your relatives.

If you don't care for them that's OK in my book. When my mother died, I was devestated. When my father died, I was bored and felt nothing.

 

Don't let anyone trick you into "the guilt trip"

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Guest carter07

No, Seaboy, it's not wrong. If there is no emotional attachment, because of estrangement or whatever, there is no reason to feel anything other than disappointment, perhaps, that there wasn't a better connection. Death is just a part of living and when it happens I don't think it is a reason to mourn. We are all born through no decision of ours, we live our lives as best we can, and then we die. This is the reality and this reality should be reason enough for us to all get along with each other. That it isn't reason enough is the tragedy over which we should shed our tears.

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Even when one is close to the person who has died the emotions are not always there. I was very close to my grandmother and started escorting partly as a way for me to get to L.A. to frequently visit her in her convalescent hospital.

 

During my last visits with my grandmother I tried to let her know that she could let go if she was ready and that I would always love her. On a couple of my last visits it seemed she was asking for someone to help her end what had been a very fulfilling life but had now become bedridden monotony and pain. I cried and though I'm not religious I found myself praying that she might die peacefully.

 

So when she died a few months ago I didn't feel that sad and was relieved that she didn't have to endure such discomfort any longer. Still I was a bit surprised at how unemotional I felt.

 

Then the holidays hit and by the end of December I was a basket case. I'm sure a couple posters in these forums can attest to my certifiability during that time.

It was if my grandmother had died when she moved out of her house and all that time in the convalescent hospital/home I just stored, accumulated and suppressed grief. Even my grandfathers death a few years earlier now seemed real and final.

 

Well a couple weeks ago I spent some time in L.A. with my mother and some cousins going through and organizing my grandmothers belongings. It gave me a chance to share my grief and really helped bring some closure for me, I feel like I am very nearly sane again.

 

Sorry I guess this has been a long and roundabout way of saying that I think we shouldn't be hard on ourselves for how we feel and that these emotions (or lack of them) can affect us in surprising ways.

 

Greg, having had the pleasure of spending some time with you I feel you are a very good person and am glad you are honest and not the type to express fake emotions.

 

Raul

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Guest TorontoJared

My grandfather also died this past month and I too didn't have much feeling when I heard about it. I haven't lived with my parents since I was sixteen (mother with problems that resulted in her attempting to run me over with a car thus being an unsafe environment, etc). He lived in Buffalo and so when I moved to Toronto I thought that since he was now only a few hours away (as opposed to the huge trek to where I grew up) it would be nice to see him. I sent him a few letters, postcards, etc and then called and left a message saying that I was going to be visiting Buffalo and would love to catch up over dinner or lunch. I hadn't seen him since he never visited where I grew up and the few years before I'd moved out we hadn't gone to Thanksgiving at his place due to my sister being in the ballet, "The Nutcracker" and since moving out hadn't gone to visit.

 

I received a message back saying that due to my mother and my not getting along he had no with to have contact with me. I called back and left a message saying that while I didn't agree with or respect his reasons that I would follow his request and until hearing from him wouldn't contact him. He had no right to try to get involved. In 18 years he'd visited my parents' house once and we saw him once or twice a year when we drove all the way to his place. Needless to say, I was hurt and angered by him.

 

In December I was told by my father that he had leukemia (when I had spoken to my mother previously she had told me that he had mild indigestion). I spoke to my sister who urged me to write to him. While I really had nothing to say I decided to do it since it was important to her and thus I sent him a letter saying that I know that he had told me not to contact him but that I wanted to say that I was sorry to hear about his health and wishing him the best and such. I later received one back from him saying that he enjoyed my letter and felt that it made sense to reopen communication. I wrote one back.

 

Then he died and I was left with the conundrum about the funeral. I hadn't seen anyone from my mother's side of the family since I was 14. My brother, sister, and father said that it would be good if I could go. I ended up going but really didn't feel sad or upset during it. Everyone else were very teary but I really just felt nothing. The music at the funeral was fun though. They had a dixieland band (his favorite type of music). I too know what you mean when you say that you didn't have any emotion when you heard about yours dying. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's just how things are.

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Greg, we all react in our own way, and as others have reassured you, there's nothing wrong with feeling nothing. As for me, I'm not sure why, but I don't usually cry when someone dies to whom I was very close, but I do get very emotional over fictional deaths (Edith Bunker on "All in the Family," James Evans on "Good Times," Colonel Blake on "MASH," Chuckles the Clown on "Mary Tyler Moore" no, forget that one; I always laugh when Chuckles, as Peter Peanut, gets shelled by the rogue elephant). Anyway, I guess my point is that we all grieve (or not) in different ways for different reasons, and there are no rules.

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Not wrong in my book Greg. I didn't feel any pain nor was I at my mother's or father's side when they died. My brother, on the other hand flies to dying people and feels that he must sit there and watch them die. I find this to be quite creepy and certainly don't want a bunch of prople sitting around gawking at me as I die when the time comes. He, unlike me, is quite religious though and I believe that has a lot to do with it.

 

Greg, don't feel cold or unfeeling. You are not alone.

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Greg,

you can't help what you feel. Many years ago, when my dad's mother died, I felt the same way. I felt a little guilty that I did not have that much emotion regarding her death. I did feel for my father who did love her. All her seven children loved her. But I always saw her as a bitter woman. At the funeral, which I did attend, I was a little relieved to find out from some of my cousins that they also felt she was not a very pleasant person.

I later discovered her history and found out she had a very rough early life. Later, she had a husband who wasn't the very best. But she loved her kids and done the best she could for them.

Again, don't worry - you can't help how you feel or don't feel. Not that it will happen to you, but it is possible you will have a delayed reaction. Evan possible you will not connect that it is related to your grandpa's death. Just be on notice in case you have some emotional loss or feeling in the future that you can not explain.

 

-PWIT

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When someone in your family dies, marking it is an opportunity to make a connection with the people still living. Whatever your feelings about the departed, the people who can still relate to you are the ones to whom you should reach out. This is why mourning is so profoundly conventional in every culture. There are stereotyped behaviors which dictate what you should do. By all means send conventional messages of bereavement all around. Death opens doors which have been closed. One of the functions of mourning is to suspend conflict and open the possibility of reconciliation. My advice is to take this opportunity. Write notes, make phone calls, whatever works in your situation. Good relations are always better than bad ones, and people will welcome a kind gesture at a time like this.

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Thank you every one for all the kind words of encouragement. Even though I haven't seen or spoken to that side of the family I do still have fond memories of my grandpa, from teaching me how to fish (I still can't put the worm on the hook EWWWW!) to wrestling with me on the family room floor tickling the crap out of me. There is one spec of light though, my sister and I are talking again. No falling out with me and her I just needed a long time of space for myself. Found out that I have two nephews along with the oldest my niece and the boys are as cute as bugs in a rug. So despite gramps passing there is a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. Again thanks ya'll for the kind emails and words here on the mc.

 

Hugs,

Greg

[email protected]

http://seaboy4hire.tripod.com http://www.daddysreviews.com/newest.php?who=greg_seattle

http://img182.imageshack.us/img182/6707/lebec084a9ad147f620acd5ps8.jpg

Chicago Jan 30th, Feb 1, 2, and 4th

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Guest RandyRon

Just though I would throw in my two-cents-worth. As I'm an atheist, I don't believe we "pass" anywhere except into nothingness.

 

When the one Grandmother I knew died, I felt nothing but relief as she was a major bitch. They tell me that the Grandmother that died before I was born was a wonderful person so I guess I got the short end of the stick on that one.

 

My father had a very long illness and I was helping to care for him, had a part time job and was trying to finish grad school at the same time. So, when he died, I was sort of numb and didn't really grieve until several months later. My mother's death was a relief for her so I felt glad her suffering was over but a tremendous loss for myself at the same time.

 

As others have said, it varies and depends on the circumstances.

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