Should I tell my coworker I have a crush on him?

[MassageDrew]

I wouldn't say anything at all. It's one of those things you should just keep to yourself. It's tempting but you cannot take it back if the other doesn't feel the same way. Then it's just awkward. It's one of those fine lines you really don't want to cross.

[Walker1]

Is this a real question in today's #Me too environment?

[RealAvalon]

Is this a real question in today's #Me too environment?

I feels like you are implying something, but I don't know what you're implying. #Metoo is about respectful behavior. That's all.

A person can respectfully indicate to a co-worker that they are interested in the other person.

[+ purplekow]

I was a bit disheartened reading this thread in that so many here are willing to forgo a chance to meet someone, yes even at work, lest they somehow wind up with a negative result. Finding love is filled with lots of negative responses. You need to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. That does not mean you just grab every frog everywhere you see one and play a game of tonsil hockey Respectful expression of interest with no quid pro quo and no pressure is perfectly acceptable in just about any social setting, including in the workplace

[Sammmmm]

The chances he feels the same about you are slim. That's life. Being closeted can make life awkward for sure. Having sex with someone at work can be tricky.

 

How do you know he plays hockey? Have you asked him about his hockey team? Is it something you're interested in attending?

 

If not, what kind of groundwork are you doing to make things possible, because just telling a coworker out of the blue you have a crush on him will be uncomfortable for him. Telling a coworker you saw him on Grindr would be awkward, bordering on weird for him.

 

I like your idea of expanding your circle of friends. You deserve a circle of friends so work on it. Maybe he needs more friends as well, more than just a life of hooking up with strangers on Grindr.

 

 

We talked about it in at the office that he plays hockey and he plays it in some local league. I am not interested to join him for hockey but I don't mind go and watch a hockey game that he plays or watch it with him.

 

After I read all the replies, I don't think I will tell him out of blue that I am gay. I will start with friends and hang out first and see how it goes. If I could get more gay friends from him, that's awesome. Doesn't have to date him or have sex with him eventually. I think that is more like my realistic goal.

Edited September 4, 2019 by Sammmmm

[RealAvalon]

After I read all the replies, I don't think I will tell him out of blue that I am gay.

I absolutely believe he already knows you're gay, as does everyone else in your office that's seen an episode of Glee. He probably wants you to come out to him, the more gay people at work the better.

Edited September 4, 2019 by RealAvalon

[Sammmmm]

I gave him what I certainly believe to be very good advice, and I don't appreciate being told that this is "bull crap." You entered the workforce many decades ago, and things have changed a lot since then. There are lots of gay-friendly places to work now, Fortune 500 companies and otherwise, and I provided resources to help in finding such work. Staying in the closet take a toll on emotional and physical health, and there are enough jobs out there that working in a hostile environment is rarely a necessity. Even when I was entering the workforce, a couple of decades after you, finding gay-friendly workplaces was more difficult than it is now, but I preferred taking a small financial hit in order to preserve my self-dignity.

 

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/coming-out-of-the-closet-may-be-good-for-your-health-7400182/

 

https://www.outsmartmagazine.com/2016/03/staying-in-the-closet-5-ways-you-damage-your-mental-physical-health/

 

Obviously, my advice is there for the OP to take or reject. There may be something unique about his situation. However, my advice is certainly not "bull crap." I'd just hate to see the OP grow up to be a bitter old queen.

 

 

You guys don't have to discuss whether I should find another job if I don't feel comfortable coming out in the office. It took me more than 6 months to find this job and I love what I am doing. I think that people in the office is really open and respectful to LGBT. Just I am not sure how and when to come out because I am still kinda struggling in telling all of my friends and families. Not because I feel uncomfortable in the office environment.

[Sammmmm]

Communication! Best advice yet.

I would definitely make some sort of move, but start out in more of a platonic, social manner (lunch, drinks, go for a hike, etc.) and establish a friendship first.

 

Then, as soon as the relationship starts becoming romantic, you have to stop and have the conversation about how you could make it work, without jeopardizing your jobs or co-worker relationship. If there’s trust and common goals and values between you, then you can make it work. If not, best to just stay friends. It’s harder to go back and talk about it once you’re in too deep. ?

 

 

I really appreciate everyone provides some many ideas and suggestions. I agree with @David1024 's idea that I should be friend with him first and see where it will take me. It doesn't have to become romantic. We have been talking about some neighborhoods he likes in the city, TV shows etc. I just wanna make more conversation with him first since he usually is very busy at work. He has a lot of meetings everyday and he stays late a lot.

 

I agree that if I keep myself in the closet, I would miss out a lot of chances because maybe coworkers want to introduce someone for me and it is better to show the true self and it should make life easier not just at work. I guess I would ask him if he recommends any gay bars/things in the city to give him some hint. He seems really open to talk about LGBT stuff. I will see what is his reaction once he hears about this.

 

Really appreciate everyone's help!!!

[Sammmmm]

I absolutely believe he already knows your gay, as does everyone else in your office that's seen an episode of Glee. He probably wants you to come out to him, the more gay people at work the better.

 

I hope that this is true and it would just make me feel better. I don't want anyone surprisingly finds out I am gay and they make it really weird about it.

[+ E.T.Bass]

We talked about it in at the office that he plays hockey and he plays it in some local league. I am not interested to join him for hockey but I don't mind go and watch a hockey game that he plays or watch it with him.

 

After I read all the replies, I don't think I will tell him out of blue that I am gay. I will start with friends and hang out first and see how it goes. If I could get more gay friends from him, that's awesome. Doesn't have to date him or have sex with him eventually. I think that is more like my realistic goal.

Part of being friends could be asking him about hockey. People tend to enjoy talking about themselves. He may never need to know you saw him on Grindr, at least for the moment.

[RealAvalon]

Part of being friends could be asking him about hockey. People tend to enjoy talking about themselves. He may never need to know you saw him on Grindr, at least for the moment.

Or he already saw you on Grindr as well.

[MassageDrew]

If you've seen his profile on Grindr then I'm sure he's seen yours. If nothing happened til now then, most likely, nothing will ever happen. I'd let it go. Keep it platonic and professional.

[Sammmmm]

If you've seen his profile on Grindr then I'm sure he's seen yours. If nothing happened til now then, most likely, nothing will ever happen. I'd let it go. Keep it platonic and professional.

 

But I have a pictureless grindr profile. I don't think he saw me.

[+ E.T.Bass]

But I have a pictureless grindr profile. I don't think he saw me.

 

So that made me think of a couple questions.

 

I don't use those APPS so school me. Won't he know there are other gay coworkers (such as you) nearby?

 

Have you already left him any Grindr messages or other marker on his profile?

[RealAvalon]

But I have a pictureless grindr profile. I don't think he saw me.

Do you get any messages with a pictureless profile? Why not put a photo up?

Edited September 9, 2019 by RealAvalon

[nate_sf]

Hey @Sammmmm anything to report since you first posted this?

 

I'd suggest asking the guy out to lunch, then at lunch tell him you're trying to figure out how/whether to come out at work. Which from as far as I can tell, is the truth of your situation. Then from there things will go whichever way they go, but at the very least you might have an ally during this next phase of your life.

 

But I would definitely not mention you'd seen him on Grindr, particularly if he shows his face in his profile but you don't. For some people the hookup sites are no big deal, but for others it's more personal and he might feel you're being intrusive.

[Sammmmm]

So that made me think of a couple questions.

 

I don't use those APPS so school me. Won't he know there are other gay coworkers (such as you) nearby?

 

Have you already left him any Grindr messages or other marker on his profile?

 

I did not leave any message or taps in Grindr to him at all. He would know there are other gay coworkers in the office but probably not me. I think a lot of people mentioned it in this thread that people would know the "unseen things" in the office that I am probably gay. But I don't think people would know that pictureless profile is me.

[Sammmmm]

Hey @Sammmmm anything to report since you first posted this?

 

I'd suggest asking the guy out to lunch, then at lunch tell him you're trying to figure out how/whether to come out at work. Which from as far as I can tell, is the truth of your situation. Then from there things will go whichever way they go, but at the very least you might have an ally during this next phase of your life.

 

But I would definitely not mention you'd seen him on Grindr, particularly if he shows his face in his profile but you don't. For some people the hookup sites are no big deal, but for others it's more personal and he might feel you're being intrusive.

 

 

I am taking it kinda slow recently. But we have been talking about his travel plans, life etc. Something out of work. I think it would be weird to just ask him out for lunch out of blue. He is kinda busy at work and it's kinda hard to make a lot of conversation with him. Sometimes I don't think he even has lunch at all.

 

I don't think I would mention the grindr thing to him. Too be honest, I am very likely not his type. My goal now is to be friend with him, hang out after work and hopefully he can introduce some hot gay guys to me

[RealAvalon]

I am taking it kinda slow recently. But we have been talking about his travel plans, life etc. Something out of work. I think it would be weird to just ask him out for lunch out of blue. He is kinda busy at work and it's kinda hard to make a lot of conversation with him. Sometimes I don't think he even has lunch at all.

 

I don't think I would mention the grindr thing to him. Too be honest, I am very likely not his type. My goal now is to be friend with him, hang out after work and hopefully he can introduce some hot gay guys to me

This feels very avoidancey to be honest

[robberbaron4u]

Only if you have a confirmed job offering from another employer in your pocket. . .

[curiousbynature12]

Also check out Meetup and/or Reddit for events or groups so you can make more friends outside of work.

[MassageDrew]

If he's talking to you about his trips and other personal stuff then he's likely treating you as a friend and nothing more. Taking it to another level would probably kill any chances and you'd end up driving him away especially if he doesn't feel the same way.

 

As for the faceless Grindr profile, you're one of those. If he's like me, I never respond go faceless profiles. You can write your stats all you want but I prefer a pic. Ugh, and some guys use a picture that's at least a decade old as if I can't tell how old it is. What's this, age of AOL?

[MikeBiDude]

Do you get any messages with a pictureless profile? Why not put a photo up?

I get plenty without a face photo. When I know who I’m chatting with I’ll send a face.

[+ friendofsheila]

Or he already saw you on Grindr as well.

 

I'm thinking so, too. I think website tell us who looks at their profile, even here.

[+ E.T.Bass]

I am taking it kinda slow recently. But we have been talking about his travel plans, life etc. Something out of work. I think it would be weird to just ask him out for lunch out of blue. He is kinda busy at work and it's kinda hard to make a lot of conversation with him. Sometimes I don't think he even has lunch at all.

 

I don't think I would mention the grindr thing to him. Too be honest, I am very likely not his type. My goal now is to be friend with him, hang out after work and hopefully he can introduce some hot gay guys to me

 

 

Does he ever ask about your life? Or respond with questions when you share about your scene?

 

Did he mention traveling with anyone or where he's traveling too?

 

If you are just expanding your gay circle, why not send a message on Grindr? I'm a coworker expanding my social contacts.