I hope I'm not being unkind...

[Guest]

I've been together with a man I met on Seeking Arrangements for almost a year (we met in February of last year, and he moved in with me a month later). Prior to that, I had some dates with a man living not too far from here who was a nice guy, and seemed to like me a lot, but whom I didn't find attractive (he's kind of pudgy). I let him know when we were together that I enjoyed his company, but didn't have physical chemistry. The other day he texted me and asked me about my status (he hadn't contacted me since I met my man, and I told him that my man was moving in), and I told him we were still together. He lamented that he hadn't found anyone, and asked me what I thought he should do. I told him he might have more success if he went to the gym more often.

He also sent me a message on the SA site, but unless I pay them a pretty hefty fee, I can't read any of the messages I'm being sent. I can see messages sent on Houseboy and Silver Daddies, and when people send me messages, I usually respond that I'm with someone. I do enjoy getting the messages, and looking at the sometimes hot pictures of those who respond, but I can't respond on SA unless I want to pay. Well, the pudgy dude told me I should take down my profile on SA if I can't respond. I enjoy the messages, and don't lead anyone on, although it is true I can't communicate with those who send me messages. I also don't think that those who send me messages even know I can't see their messages. I've literally had hundreds and hundreds of messages since I met my partner.

Is it unkind to keep my profile? I'm not leading anyone on, and it's not my fault SA's policy is that I can't read or respond without paying. FWIW, I know my partner still has his profile, although he says he's not active on it either.

[Rudynate]

I have profiles on a couple of sites. Because I have a partner, and because I usually hire when I want to have sex outside of our relationship, for the most part, I'm not that interested in people who contact me on those sites. On both sites, I have the heading "JUST LOOKING - MOSTLY" prominently displayed on my profile. It has reduced the traffic to my profiles a lot, but a fair number of guys still respond - some really great ones, as a matter of fact. But even with primo guys, when it comes down to actually making a date and showing up for it, I'm just not that interested. But I do sort of enjoy the chase. I wonder if you keep your profile up because you enjoy the chase.

[MassageDrew]

Is it for pure self-gratification to get all these messages that you enjoy reading? A validation of some sort? Imagine sending a message to someone and not get a response. How would you feel? Or contacting an escort or a masseur but never get a response. Using the site’s policy not to allow responses unless you’re a paying customer is almost a cop out just to get a confirmation that you’re cute or something. Just saying.

[+ FreshFluff]

FWIW, I know my partner still has his profile, although he says he's not active on it either.

 

In that case, I think it’s fine to keep yours up too.

[CBA]

I would not do it. One of things I really do not like on Seeking are guys that lead you on or present very erotic pictures and then say they only want a platonic relationship. Yes most of SA is fantasy for both the SD and SB but some people use it seriously and it works.

[rvwnsd]

I don't see any harm in keeping your profile up. You aren't checking messages or meeting guys off the site, so you don't seem to be doing harm to your relationship. When a guy contacts you but you don't reply (because you can't check messages) it doesn't feel to me like you are leading him on. "Leading him on" would be replying to the message and after some back-and-forth you telling him you are not looking anymore.

[Guest]

But I do sort of enjoy the chase. I wonder if you keep your profile up because you enjoy the chase.

 

One thing I can tell you for sure is that I'm not chasing after any other men. I'm extremely happy with my man. He says he is too, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Last week, he finally told me he was going to come out to his local friends from his country, who are going to a different university. (My man just got the top score in one of his advanced economics class's midterm!). As I mentioned in a prior string, he was reluctant to do this, as this would have the effect of coming out to his parents, who he fears will have a terrible reaction (especially his mother). He hasn't done this yet, but at least he said he would. Two days ago, I told him I found out my niece's marriage date in 2020. He responded "I guess we'll be next after them."

A huge weight lifted off of my shoulders when he told me I'd finally get to meet his friends. That made me believe he really is serious about us. The day I finally meet them will probably be one of the happiest days of my life.

[hypothetically]

Well, the pudgy dude..

 

This is unkind. The rest is whatever.

[Monarchy79]

Calling yourself “unkind”, would be relative to the audience.

 

In an audience of primarily gay men, your behavior is quite typical.

[marylander1940]

This is unkind. The rest is whatever.

 

He didn’t call the “pudgy” dude pudgy he’s just describing him using that term to us.

 

@Unicorn enjoy your bf and avoid all this drama. Tell the pudgy guy to keep his advice to himself, and (as you already told him) to hit the gym.

 

Calling yourself “unkind”, would be relative to the audience.

 

In an audience of primarily gay men, your behavior is quite typical.

 

If this is “unkind”...

Edited March 8, 2019 by marylander1940

[Chuckball]

Looking at your situation you see yourself as doing nothing wrong. From other guys' perspective you are a time waster. What if you owned a beautiful house and put it on the market without intending to sell - just receive compliments on what a magnificent property

For you the praise would be emotionally rewarding. For those who took time away to attend an open house and consider financing you are a scum bag for wasting their time.

[Monarchy79]

I remember years ago I worked with a very young intern who wanted some advice on being a gay man.

 

I sent him a video on the modeling industry.... it was filled with young women who talked about constantly dieting, working out, and taking care of themselves to ensure that they don’t get old or fat.

 

He watched it and then came back to me confused and told me that he has no desire to be a model.

 

I laughed at him and then explained how being a gay man is no different than being a model.

 

Your longevity in dating, and getting laid depends on how long you choose to maintain your “shelf life” (looks and body)

 

Once your shelf life expires, you have three options: 1.) work on extending that shelf life 2.) start paying to play or 3.) Say “fuck it”, and get out the game.

 

Men are shallow as hell and this is a harsh reality

[+ WilliamM]

He didn’t call the “pudgy” dude pudgy he’s just describing him using that term to us.

 

@Unicorn enjoy your bf and avoid all this drama. Tell the pudgy guy to keep his advice for himself, and as you already told him to go to the gym.

 

Difficult to image many other people here using the term pudgy to describe a possible hook-up.

[marylander1940]

Difficult to image many other people here using the term pudgy to describe a possible hook-up.

 

Would you suggest @Unicorn to use the term "dad bod"?

 

I think they just had a few dates, among gay and even straight people sex happens on the 1st, 2nd or 3rd date. Maybe you @Unicorn truly enjoy his attention, now I'm afraid it might be too late to just be friends, he got mad...

[Rudynate]

One thing I can tell you for sure is that I'm not chasing after any other men. I'm extremely happy with my man. He says he is too, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Last week, he finally told me he was going to come out to his local friends from his country, who are going to a different university. (My man just got the top score in one of his advanced economics class's midterm!). As I mentioned in a prior string, he was reluctant to do this, as this would have the effect of coming out to his parents, who he fears will have a terrible reaction (especially his mother). He hasn't done this yet, but at least he said he would. Two days ago, I told him I found out my niece's marriage date in 2020. He responded "I guess we'll be next after them."

A huge weight lifted off of my shoulders when he told me I'd finally get to meet his friends. That made me believe he really is serious about us. The day I finally meet them will probably be one of the happiest days of my life.

 

 

No, I didn't mean that you're chasing after other men. But you still enjoy attention from other men. Note that I didn't say there was anything wrong with that.

[+ WilliamM]

This is a comical thread for me.

 

I could never afford seeking arrangements, so the twists in the various posts here seem like something from the lives of the rich and famous and pudgy.

[Rudynate]

I remember years ago I worked with a very young intern who wanted some advice on being a gay man.

 

I sent him a video on the modeling industry.... it was filled with young women who talked about constantly dieting, working out, and taking care of themselves to ensure that they don’t get old or fat.

 

He watched it and then came back to me confused and told me that he has no desire to be a model.

 

I laughed at him and then explained how being a gay man is no different than being a model.

 

Your longevity in dating, and getting laid depends on how long you choose to maintain your “shelf life” (looks and body)

 

Once your shelf life expires, you have three options: 1.) work on extending that shelf life 2.) start paying to play or 3.) Say “fuck it”, and get out the game.

 

Men are shallow as hell and this is a harsh reality

 

 

You might be running with the wrong crowd.

[+ tassojunior]

Like many people, when I fall for someone I always imagine them both in their present state and in the one I met them in. Until it's over. Then I just see them as they are. It seems it's over for your arrangement.

[+ quoththeraven]

It's not especially harmful, but the man has a point. You and your live-in are either seeking validation or making sure it's easy to start looking again on SA should things fall apart between the two of you.

 

Not everyone - not even among gay men - bases who they have relationships with solely on looks. There always will be a divide there and looking down on people who operate differently from you is not called for, irrespective of whether it is unkind.

[Monarchy79]

You might be running with the wrong crowd.

☺️??

 

You are absolutely right. However, I don’t associate myself with that type of nonsense.

I was explaining what I’ve witnessed throughout my life.

[Inkdnaija00]

I remember years ago I worked with a very young intern who wanted some advice on being a gay man.

 

I sent him a video on the modeling industry.... it was filled with young women who talked about constantly dieting, working out, and taking care of themselves to ensure that they don’t get old or fat.

 

He watched it and then came back to me confused and told me that he has no desire to be a model.

 

I laughed at him and then explained how being a gay man is no different than being a model.

 

Your longevity in dating, and getting laid depends on how long you choose to maintain your “shelf life” (looks and body)

 

Once your shelf life expires, you have three options: 1.) work on extending that shelf life 2.) start paying to play or 3.) Say “fuck it”, and get out the game.

 

Men are shallow as hell and this is a harsh reality

 

So fucking true lol

[Inkdnaija00]

☺️??

 

You are absolutely right. However, I don’t associate myself with that type of nonsense.

I was explaining what I’ve witnessed throughout my life.

Likewise

[Deadlift1]

let us know when u actually meet the family......

[Guest]

let us know when u actually meet the family......

Yes, he's already integrated himself with my family (who love him), but I haven't met any of his non-gay friends yet (specifically those from his country). I'll be very happy when I meet them. As for his actual family, I'm not sure that will ever happen. He says he doesn't even know if they'll come to our wedding (assuming there is one).

...you say yourself you enjoy reading the messages and the hot pictures of other men...

I don't get to read their messages; I only know that there is a message (and I've received over 400 in the last year). I do enjoy the sometimes hot pictures. I don't know why you think these relationships have to have a short life. My first one lasted over 13 years, and I didn't even know him a month before he moved in. Hopefully he's sincere when he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I know I am!

[+ quoththeraven]

I don't know why you think these relationships have to have a short life. My first one lasted over 13 years, and I didn't even know him a month before he moved in. Hopefully he's sincere when he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I know I am!

But that is more of an exception than the rule. Common wisdom is that it's better for longevity of a relationship to have known each other longer than that. Whether that's borne out in actuality, I'm not sure.