What happen to Gay Gen Xers and Baby Boomers?

[MidwestCoastal]

I know there have been some other threads on "loneliness" but wanted to start a new conversation.

 

I'm 46 and alone, with few or no friends. This article, while giving me some solace, also makes me very sad. Why are so many of us so alone?

 

https://www.out.com/news-opinion/2018/7/31/gay-men-over-45-are-most-likely-be-single-according-aarp-study

 

Wouldn't mind chatting with others about it.

 

Post here or DM....

 

Thanks.

[TruthBTold]

Sorry I could not answer about Gen Xers. However I think I am a Baby Boomer. I was to explain the other day to my niece when she asked me why it was that my friends seemed only be people who were younger than me. I told her that most of my current group of friends were people that I got to know when I went back to school in my late 30's and they were in their 20s. Unfortunately, I explained many college friends all died in the 80's because of AIDS and thus that whole swath of friends that would be my friends now were no longer around. I am sure there are other reasons but for me that is one main one.

[Rudynate]

I know there have been some other threads on "loneliness" but wanted to start a new conversation.

 

I'm 46 and alone, with few or no friends. This article, while giving me some solace, also makes me very sad. Why are so many of us so alone?

 

https://www.out.com/news-opinion/2018/7/31/gay-men-over-45-are-most-likely-be-single-according-aarp-study

 

Wouldn't mind chatting with others about it.

 

Post here or DM....

 

Thanks.

 

 

 

I'm not single. I have a relationship of 26 years' duration and we got married a little more than three years ago. I know lots of older gay men who are single. I believe they are single because it's what they want. Being single for all or most of one's life extracts a steep price - it IS lonely, they miss out on opportunities for intimacy and partnership and sharing. Yet they don't make the emotional and behavioral adjustments needed to sustain an intimate relationship with another man. They don't because they prefer the benefits of being single, most notable of which is an extreme autonomy. They don't answer to anybody. A result of this extreme autonomy is that they are strong, independent, resourceful men. As I said, that comes with a price, but I think they are willing to pay it.

[+ Funguy]

I know there have been some other threads on "loneliness" but wanted to start a new conversation.

 

I'm 46 and alone, with few or no friends. This article, while giving me some solace, also makes me very sad. Why are so many of us so alone?

 

https://www.out.com/news-opinion/2018/7/31/gay-men-over-45-are-most-likely-be-single-according-aarp-study

 

Wouldn't mind chatting with others about it.

 

Post here or DM....

 

Thanks.

 

Come to Palm Springs Forum Gettogether in April!

[MidwestCoastal]

@Rudynate I'm not single by choice. Finding it really hard to meet people. Dating apps/websites haven't worked.

 

I attribute my bad luck to not having the perfect gay body. Somewhat foolish but its where my thoughts go....

[Rudynate]

Many years ago, I was frustrated because I couldn't meet anybody. In a moment of sanity, I realized I couldn't meet anybody because I spent a lot of my free time hanging out in sex clubs. I was "looking for love in all the wrong places." So I gave up sex clubs. I concentrated on other things, did some volunteer work, started graduate school, spent a lot of time working out. I met my partner at the Pride Parade. A guy I did volunteer work with introduced us. I forgot about him, but we ran into each other at the gym a few months later and started dating.

 

I suspect dating/hookup apps are the 21st century equivalent of sex clubs. Bad places for finding romance.

[+ tassojunior]

Japan has the single-senior problem more than anywhere. There are many stories and articles online about how dying alone is a big thing now in Japan with companies devoted to cleaning out singles' apartments when they die even. It's truly sad.

[Rudynate]

Japan has the single-senior problem more than anywhere. There are many stories and articles online about how dying alone is a big thing now in Japan with companies devoted to cleaning out singles' apartments when they die even. It's truly sad.

 

 

We're horrified by the idea of someone dying alone. But I wonder if it is all that bad.

[+ tassojunior]

We're horrified by the idea of someone dying alone. But I wonder if it is all that bad.

 

Well, it's definitely a huge thing in Japan from all the stories. The birth and marriage rate have been so low there for so long that's it's mostly a nation of single seniors now.

[Rudynate]

Well, it's definitely a huge thing in Japan from all the stories. The birth and marriage rate have been so low there for so long that's it's mostly a nation of single seniors now.

 

 

And they're having trouble funding social benefits for all those seniors because there aren't enough people paying in.

[+ Topseed]

I am 63. Single by choice. I have had several multi-year relationships that ended for various reasons.

 

I feel blessed every morning when my feet hit the floor. I work hard by saying “yes”.....to requests for my time and whatever talent I yet have. I say “yes” to my own artistic curiosities.

 

I define my home as my haven, my refuge....even as I am out doing something in my city most nights of the week.

 

I am fine as a “solo act” probably 360 days of the year. Yes, there are moments when I’d like to have a partner, but I do not need a partner in order to experience deep, profound joy. I celebrate my foibles, my eccentricities. I strive to live in the truth, however challenging that may be.

 

Will I die alone? Probably.

 

But that does not define me. Nor does it inhibit me.

 

Instead, I seek to be defined by my legacy: loyalty to friends, of mentorship, of volunteerism. This I can shape.

Edited January 23, 2019 by Topseed

[+ sniper]

You also have to factor in that those of us in GenX and Boomers grew up not really thinking marriage was an option for us. So we didn't really date the way straight people do...then you find yourself 35 years old never having been on more than one date with anyone, and frankly, never having been in a relationship by midlife is a bit of a red flag to others, so it's a self-perpetuating cycle.

Myself I also found myself, as the single sibling with his other shit more or less together, flung into the caretaker role for two different ailing family members at times that, looking back, would have been my best shot for settling down.

[+ E.T.Bass]

The majority of gay men are single. Not sure if everyone realizes that.

 

One school of thought is that people meet their spouse through mutual friends. That is how I met mine.

 

Years ago I moved for work. Had to start a new social network. Takes effort though. I'm a little bit shy in person. But I try.

 

Examples:

 

Next month I'm attending a gay book club. I'm excited about meeting some bookworms.

I've met friends at gay film festivals.

I met a nice couple while vacationing in Palm Springs. I'm trying the PS gathering this year.

I take part in a monthly workshop.

[Rudynate]

The majority of gay men are single. Not sure if everyone realizes that.

 

One school of thought is that people meet their spouse through mutual friends. That is how I met mine.

 

Years ago I moved for work. Had to start a new social network. Takes effort though. I'm a little bit shy in person. But I try.

 

Examples:

 

Next month I'm attending a gay book club. I'm excited about meeting some bookworms.

I've met friends at gay film festivals.

I met a nice couple while vacationing in Palm Springs. I'm trying the PS gathering this year.

I take part in a monthly workshop.

 

 

The circles I run in- mostly couples, some for 30+ years

[+ E.T.Bass]

The circles I run in- mostly couples, some for 30+ years

 

Fun! We know a gay couple or two.

 

My go-to friend for opera and symphony is straight. I'm an open minded fellow.

[spider]

To expand on the “you won’t find someone in a sex club” post, there are many things one can do.

 

Volunteer- food pantry, animal shelter, I just saw one where volunteers come in to the NICU to cuddle the babies. Do meals on wheels delivery.

 

Find a hobby club. Bridge? Chess? Board games? Join a book club.

 

If you’re active, join a sports club. Maybe you’ll get lucky in the changing room! Take sailing lessons. Clubs have sign up sheets for things like racket ball partners.

 

If you’re at all religious, church activities are great since they’re always groups. Sign up to host coffee hour. You’ll meet tons of people.

 

Remember, relationships aren’t all about sex, friends come in all varieties and orientations. You’re looking for companionship.

[Rudynate]

To expand on the “you won’t find someone in a sex club” post, there are many things one can do.

 

Volunteer- food pantry, animal shelter, I just saw one where volunteers come in to the NICU to cuddle the babies. Do meals on wheels delivery.

 

Find a hobby club. Bridge? Chess? Board games? Join a book club.

 

If you’re active, join a sports club. Maybe you’ll get lucky in the changing room! Take sailing lessons. Clubs have sign up sheets for things like racket ball partners.

 

If you’re at all religious, church activities are great since they’re always groups. Sign up to host coffee hour. You’ll meet tons of people.

 

Remember, relationships aren’t all about sex, friends come in all varieties and orientations. You’re looking for companionship.

 

 

For some reason, people who say that they can’t meet anybody know to do all these things, yet they don’t do them. I suspect it’s because they want someone RIGHT NOW. They don’t have any patience with the process.

[+ tassojunior]

For some reason, people who say that they can’t meet anybody know to do all these things, yet they don’t do them. I suspect it’s because they want someone RIGHT NOW. They don’t have any patience with the process.

 

comes from using Rentmen too much.

[Gadfly22]

For some reason, people who say that they can’t meet anybody know to do all these things, yet they don’t do them. I suspect it’s because they want someone RIGHT NOW. They don’t have any patience with the process.

No that's not the reason, and I don't mean to speak for the OP, but I suspect most of the people giving the above pieces of advice are extroverts (and that is not meant to be a criticism just an observation). I think we all know there are places to meet people ranging from the most hard core sex clubs to the most innocuous needlepoint groups and everything in-between. The problem is when you are an introvert the most terrifying thing in the world is a room full of people you don't know that you are expected to mingle with. These are situations to be avoided at all costs. I think I first realized this when I started grad school. They had a welcome barbecue for new students on registration day before classes started. It was held on the big lawn outside the registrar's office. I remember coming out after filling out all the necessary paperwork to see an ocean of people sitting on blankets on the grass eating and having a good time. I didn't know what to do. I started walking aimlessly through the crowd like I was looking for someone, not making eye contact at all, until I got to the other end of the lawn and then I just kept walking, not looking back and hoping no one even noticed me. That first semester was the most miserable 6 months of my life. Things did get better but very slowly and that initial time of misery left emotional scars that still affect me.

[Rudynate]

No that's not the reason, and I don't mean to speak for the OP, but I suspect most of the people giving the above pieces of advice are extroverts (and that is not meant to be a criticism just an observation). I think we all know there are places to meet people ranging from the most hard core sex clubs to the most innocuous needlepoint groups and everything in-between. The problem is when you are an introvert the most terrifying thing in the world is a room full of people you don't know that you are expected to mingle with. These are situations to be avoided at all costs. I think I first realized this when I started grad school. They had a welcome barbecue for new students on registration day before classes started. It was held on the big lawn outside the registrar's office. I remember coming out after filling out all the necessary paperwork to see an ocean of people sitting on blankets on the grass eating and having a good time. I didn't know what to do. I started walking aimlessly through the crowd like I was looking for someone, not making eye contact at all, until I got to the other end of the lawn and then I just kept walking, not looking back and hoping no one even noticed me. That first semester was the most miserable 6 months of my life. Things did get better but very slowly and that initial time of misery left emotional scars that still affect me.

 

A long time ago, I worked for a small financial journal. On the same floor in our office building, there was a company that had just developed a new personality test or psychological inventory and they were introducing it to the market. They asked me if I would like to take their test, and I said,"sure." When they evaluated my test, they said their impression from the test was that I was an extremely shy person working very hard at compensating for my shyness. I didn't say anything, but I thought that they had really nailed me. I was always grateful to have received this bit of information about myself.

[MidwestCoastal]

I guess I am a bit of paradox... I'm in a sales / people person role at work and everyone assumes I'm a major extrovert. in reality, I would prefer to be a homebody and spend a great deal of time with a significant other.

 

I've tried the whole social clubs / sporting leagues / political organizations / professional organizations several times over the last 20 years. I have moved around a great deal for work; hard not to question those choices because I haven't laid down roots anywhere.

 

Ten years in NYC probably didn't help. I think that place is the land of the upgrade... Everyone always looking for something 'more' or 'better'. I grew up in Michigan and miss the Midwest.

 

Trying not to dwell in the past... Just tired of trying lately.

[TruthBTold]

No that's not the reason, and I don't mean to speak for the OP, but I suspect most of the people giving the above pieces of advice are extroverts (and that is not meant to be a criticism just an observation). I think we all know there are places to meet people ranging from the most hard core sex clubs to the most innocuous needlepoint groups and everything in-between. The problem is when you are an introvert the most terrifying thing in the world is a room full of people you don't know that you are expected to mingle with. These are situations to be avoided at all costs. I think I first realized this when I started grad school. They had a welcome barbecue for new students on registration day before classes started. It was held on the big lawn outside the registrar's office. I remember coming out after filling out all the necessary paperwork to see an ocean of people sitting on blankets on the grass eating and having a good time. I didn't know what to do. I started walking aimlessly through the crowd like I was looking for someone, not making eye contact at all, until I got to the other end of the lawn and then I just kept walking, not looking back and hoping no one even noticed me. That first semester was the most miserable 6 months of my life. Things did get better but very slowly and that initial time of misery left emotional scars that still affect me.

 

If definitely know the feeling but something happened one day that made me change much of the feeling about myself. I used to hate going to parties because I, like you, am an introvert and find it hard to mingle with people. I just felt for sure that nobody could possible want to speak with me or meet me on any level. However, a woman I know and I were speaking in broad terms about going to parties together and she told me that out of all the people she knew she was most comfortable bringing me to parties because she knew that she could bring me and let me be on my own. She said that she knew that I would always find my way around and that I could always find something to speak about with just about anyone. I realized it was pretty much true and it became easier and easier to speak with people because I became more and more comfortable with myself.

[Rudynate]

A few years ago, I belonged to a business networking group for a year and I volunteered to be a greeter - did it for nearly the entire year. I really enjoyed greeting people and shaking hands and saying "nice to see you" and helping guests get their bearings. In a short time, I got very comfortable working a room.