Objectifying?

[Guest]

How can he be considered a wonderful man, if you think he would leave you for someone with much more money.

He is an absolutely wonderful man, but I cannot know for certain that his feelings for me are as he says they are. Although I have to be prepared for disappointment, I can say that for the time we've been together, especially in the last few months, I've never been happier in my life, which at my age is saying quite something (and, no, it's not like I've had a rough life). I have told him how happy he makes me, and he's told me he's very happy with me as well. If I make him half as happy as he makes me, we're going to be in good shape. Even if he doesn't show up when I meet him at the other side of the immigration arrivals hall in San Juan, PR (which I doubt will happen), I will still always remember our time together as the most wonderful of my life. My longest run with a younger man was 13.5 years, most of which were quite nice, and the only real regret I had was a man who once came for a trial run and ended up stealing my 2nd car (the police never investigated). My current partner is not only smarter and better grounded than any of them, he's more handsome as well.

That being said, I will always have a certain degree of discomfort/uncertainty as long as he's closeted with his friends and family, and doesn't present me to them, as this means he's still keeping his options open. I can see to a point from his perspective that if he comes out and then I dump him, he'll really be potentially out in the cold, although I've been such a solid support for him, that I'm hoping the closetedness will end at some point. So at this point, I'm enjoying every second (just about) of our time together (almost ecstatic), but do understand that this could come to an end should he choose to do so.

[+ WilliamM]

Unicorn, is he afraid to say no to you. You have been to Mexico and soon a long cruise. And, on his own, a trip to South America.

 

Does a student really want to spend his entire vacation traveling. Soon he will be back in school for the Spring Semester.

 

As to possibility that he may not be in PR to meet you. I hope that does not happen.

 

I am only involved as a person in a forum, but would be very upset for you.

[+ WilliamM]

Unicorn, if he does not meet you in PR, he should explain why in an email.

 

However, if you never know what happened, please consider ending your live in relationships.

[Guest]

Unicorn, is he afraid to say no to you. You have been to Mexico and soon a long cruise. And, on his own, a trip to South America.

 

Does a student really want to spend his entire vacation traveling. Soon he will be back in school for the Spring Semester.

 

As to possibility that he may not be in PR to meet you. I hope that does not happen.

 

I am only involved as a person in a forum, but would be very upset for you.

 

Quite to the contrary, everything is revolving around his class schedule for his optimal convenience and happiness. We flew down to Puerto Vallarta the morning after his last final. He LOVED his time in PV. He told me "I see why you like this place so much." He flew back home to his family in South America and I flew back to California. As luck would have it, he was on Copa Airline's 2nd ever flight which went directly from Puerto Vallarta to Panama City, so he only had to change planes once. Then he has a Copa flight next Friday the 4th back to Panama City and then another flight straight to San Juan, where we'll meet. He's thrilled about our cruise, and we have a couple days to cool off before his classes start again for the Spring term. He has two whole weeks with his family for the holidays, and everyone's happy, except that I'm missing him terribly now. If I can believe his daily texts, he's missing me, too. I doubt he'll abandon me for the cruise. He's an avid traveler (he's been to many places I haven't such as Montenegro, Bosnia, and Iran), and was thrilled at our 10 ports of call...

[rvwnsd]

Quite to the contrary, everything is revolving around his class schedule for his optimal convenience and happiness. We flew down to Puerto Vallarta the morning after his last final. He LOVED his time in PV. He told me "I see why you like this place so much." He flew back home to his family in South America and I flew back to California. As luck would have it, he was on Copa Airline's 2nd ever flight which went directly from Puerto Vallarta to Panama City, so he only had to change planes once. Then he has a Copa flight next Friday the 4th back to Panama City and then another flight straight to San Juan, where we'll meet. He's thrilled about our cruise, and we have a couple days to cool off before his classes start again for the Spring term. He has two whole weeks with his family for the holidays, and everyone's happy, except that I'm missing him terribly now. If I can believe his daily texts, he's missing me, too. I doubt he'll abandon me for the cruise. He's an avid traveler (he's been to many places I haven't such as Montenegro, Bosnia, and Iran), and was thrilled at our 10 ports of call...

What was his role in planning your winter travels?

[+ WilliamM]

What was his role in planning your winter travels?

 

Excellent question.

Edited December 26, 2018 by WilliamM

[marylander1940]

How can he be considered a wonderful man, if you think he would leave you for someone with much more money.

 

Life happens!

[+ WilliamM]

Life happens!

 

I was in a relationship like Unicorn in my early 30s, but I insisted he pay me back once employed. It took 18 months but he paid me back.

 

However, I would never do it again because it was a year before the first check.

[Zapped]

I’m married to a guy much younger than me, from Asia, who is not out to his family. It’s hard for him, because he doesn’t want to hurt or devestate his parents, who just don’t understand.

 

Your guy is young—still in college. His brain is still developing, as is his emotional maturity and sense of self. He may have a very human set of conflicting emotions—wanting to be in great shape, yet wanting to know you love him for who he is and not just his body.

 

Just love him. And remember you can be committed without being attached.

 

(Easier said than done, I know!)

[mike carey]

I was in a relationship like Unicorn in my early 30s, but I insisted he pay me back once employed. It took 18 months but he paid me back.

 

However, I would never do it again because it was a year before the first check.

I can see why you would not want to repeat the arrangement, but it seems to me this was quite a different relationship to Unicorn's (forgive me if I have misunderstood either). Because of the friendship and companionship you shared you were prepared to lend him the money. Repayment (in financial terms) does not appear to be part of Unicorn's arrangement, so the two arrangements were 'alike' but not the same.

 

The only thing certain in any relationship is what each side is receiving now, anything into the future is an expectation or a hope, but neither is a guarantee. Unicorn is understandably nervous about the future of his relationship, in retrospect you are not happy with [the timing of] the way yours worked out and would not repeat it. It seems to me that if your happiness depends on the long term outcome and you cannot be happy in the day to day pleasure a relationship brings you, you need to re-evaluate what commitment to it you are prepared to make to it and/or your expectations.

 

Expectation of or hope for future happiness and fulfilment in a relationship is reasonable but it's a recipe for disappointment if the 'success' of the current relationship depends on its future success. If you would resent the commitments, emotional and financial, to a relationship if it were to end. Far better if you could look back on it an be happy with the joy that those commitments brought you at the time, better still if you can be happy that what put into the relationship helped the other person both during the relationship and after it ended.

[+ WilliamM]

I can see why you would not want to repeat the arrangement, but it seems to me this was quite a different relationship to Unicorn's (forgive me if I have misunderstood either). Because of the friendship and companionship you shared you were prepared to lend him the money. Repayment (in financial terms) does not appear to be part of Unicorn's arrangement, so the two arrangements were 'alike' but not the same.

 

The only thing certain in any relationship is what each side is receiving now, anything into the future is an expectation or a hope, but neither is a guarantee. Unicorn is understandably nervous about the future of his relationship, in retrospect you are not happy with [the timing of] the way yours worked out and would not repeat it. It seems to me that if your happiness depends on the long term outcome and you cannot be happy in the day to day pleasure a relationship brings you, you need to re-evaluate what commitment to it you are prepared to make to it and/or your expectations.

 

Expectation of or hope for future happiness and fulfilment in a relationship is reasonable but it's a recipe for disappointment if the 'success' of the current relationship depends on its future success. If you would resent the commitments, emotional and financial, to a relationship if it were to end. Far better if you could look back on it an be happy with the joy that those commitments brought you at the time, better still if you can be happy that what put into the relationship helped the other person both during the relationship and after it ended.

 

He did not tell me about being almost broke until we arrived at JFK airport in New York City. He had enough money to make it through customs in London, just barely. I reluctantly decded to go ahead with the trip. Should mention also that I lived in Philadelphia, he in Washington state. So I had no recent information about his financial situation

 

Given the circumstances, I wanted to be paid back and eventually was. As a result, we are still close friends all these years later.

 

I do not know how you imaged I did not enjoy the trip. I bought a car for 300 dollars and we drove through Europe for three and a half months.

Edited December 27, 2018 by WilliamM

[mike carey]

@WilliamM I took your comment to be about an overall relationship like the one Unicorn described, not just the vacation part and its related expenses. That's a different context again, and your wish to be repaid makes perfect sense.

[Guest]

What was his role in planning your winter travels?

We planned the trip together. He even nixed some of my preferences, such as I wanted to use my AAdvantage miles to fly him from South America, but that would have taken two plane changes, and an extra day essentially on the way back. This summer, he's told me he wants to go to Kenya, although I don't have a great interest, having done safaris in Botswana and South Africa 3 years ago. But pleasing him makes me happy, and I suppose Kenya could be a new experience (maybe we could go to Madagascar, which interests me more). I have no concept of his ever having to repay me. I have told him that I have every insurance possible including long-term care, and that as long as he wants to stay with me, I can almost guarantee him that his life will be about as worry-free as one can find... If I can protect my assets with a pre-nup, I'd be happy to marry him.

[+ WilliamM]

We planned the trip together. He even nixed some of my preferences, such as I wanted to use my AAdvantage miles to fly him from South America, but that would have taken two plane changes, and an extra day essentially on the way back. This summer, he's told me he wants to go to Kenya, although I don't have a great interest, having done safaris in Botswana and South Africa 3 years ago. But pleasing him makes me happy, and I suppose Kenya could be a new experience (maybe we could go to Madagascar, which interests me more). I have no concept of his ever having to repay me. I have told him that I have every insurance possible including long-term care, and that as long as he wants to stay with me, I can almost guarantee him that his life will be about as worry-free as one can find... If I can protect my assets with a pre-nup, I'd be happy to marry him.

 

Conflict is a part of life, and often people learn from their mistakes and successes. At the very least, please allow him to travel on his own, not on cruises or sufaris or tours. Since he is living with you, shouldn't he pay part of every day expenses when employed. Very frustrating thread.

[+ nycman]

The problem with having money.....someone else always has more.

 

In the end @Unicorn, you will have to find ways, that don’t involve power

or money, to bond with him and please him. And he will have to find ways

to please and bond with you, that don’t involve his looks or youth.

 

It can be done. Differences in looks and money don’t have to doom a

relationship. It will create friction....but then again, so does his using

my toothpaste.

 

You just have to pick a good man. Work hard at it. And hope for the best.

 

All the money and abs in the world....won’t change that simple math.

[rogerG]

Differences in looks and money don’t have to doom a

relationship.

Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett were once married. The marriage may not have lasted long, but rumor has it they're still friends.

 

It will create friction....but then again, so does his using

my toothpaste.

I don't mind sharing my toothpaste. It's the sharing of toothbrushes that grosses me out.

[Guest]

We've already shared toothpaste (not toothbrushes though!). I never thought of our relationship as one having power over the other. Hopefully we make each other happy. As I've told him, he makes me extremely happy, and he says the same about me. I realize he can be with someone else any time if I don't make him happy, and I've had over 350 unread messages on seeking arrangements since we've hooked up (I couldn't read them if I wanted to, since one has to pay to read one's messages). As I've said, it's about the journey more than the destination. I'd be thrilled if we end up spending the rest of our lives together. But even if we don't even meet in San Juan (which I doubt), I will always look back with fondness at the time we had together. I know a lot of people here, friends, family, and neighbors think I'm a bit nuts to hook up with these men. What they don't understand is that I enjoy the time, as the Queen said when her reign started "However short or long a time it may be." We have been sending each other love notes daily during our time apart.

[caliguy]

he can be with someone else any time if I don't make him happy

I've had over 350 unread messages on seeking arrangements since we've hooked up .

Sounds exhausting. Lol

[BluDay]

But even if we don't even meet in San Juan (which I doubt), I will always look back with fondness at the time we had together

 

@Unicorn I am earnestly hoping your man is there, and his breath rushes a bit as he comes close to where he thinks you will be. And when he lays eyes on you, his heart leaps to his mouth. When you embrace, both of you will feel the joy and love you deserve.

[+ WilliamM]

Unicorn, Neither his parents or his friends know you became of a homophobic mom.aà

That's more great advice, thanks. I do find it a bit weird, and a bit strange to reconcile how much time he spends at the gym, yet how he complains when others are staring at him. I do worry that he's going to cross paths with some fashion mogul like Calvin Klein or Valentino who can offer him a lifestyle even more lavish than I can provide. I've never been with such a wonderful man before, and I'm pretty sure I'd never find someone like him again. Until now, I've never understood how someone can go nuts after losing a spouse...

 

Calvin Klein 76 years old and Valetiino is 86 years old. But, I know you wrote a fashion mogel like.

 

Are all of his friends connected with his family? Too bad become it would be better to meet someone who had known him for a while. Better in good way, at least in a good sense

 

In many ways, it is a problem that sex is a very significant part of your attention. Different to believe his parents will accept that; good friends would have be much better.

[Guest]

Unicorn, Neither his parents or his friends know you became of a homophobic mom.aà

 

 

Calvin Klein 76 years old and Valetiino is 86 years old. But, I know you wrote a fashion mogel like.

 

Are all of his friends connected with his family? Too bad become it would be better to meet someone who had known him for a while. Better in good way, at least in a good sense

 

In many ways, it is a problem that sex is a very significant part of your attention. Different to believe his parents will accept that; good friends would have be much better.

 

I just thought of those two since I know they've hooked up with handsome men even more decades younger than the difference between mine and my love's. I think I'm closer to the Donald/Melania difference, or Celine Dion and her late husband. I remember reading John Barrowman's autobiography in which he described, from his up and coming days, how Valentino invited him for an extended trip on his yacht. I'm sure JB knew exactly what Valentino wanted, but he essentially mocked Valentino in his book, explaining he rebuffed his advances. I may be in my mid 50s, but so far not a single wrinkle or gray hair!

He has introduced me to his only gay friend in the area we live. The other gay friend lives in Portugal, and he's told me he'd like us to meet also. His other friends are either from his country or friends of those friends, hence his concern.

[MscleLovr]

I'm sure JB knew exactly what Valentino wanted, but he essentially mocked Valentino in his book

 

I agree that book showed John Barrowman in a very bad light. I wonder if JB inadvertently revealed his true character: JB mentioned the gifts (and free vacation) Valentino gave him, yet he whined about not getting a modelling contract after he became irritated at Valentino touching his hair.

 

I don't recall @Unicorn if you mentioned what country your boyfriend is from. Is he Brazilian?

[Guest]

I agree that book showed John Barrowman in a very bad light. I wonder if JB inadvertently revealed his true character: JB mentioned the gifts (and free vacation) Valentino gave him, yet he whined about not getting a modelling contract after he became irritated at Valentino touching his hair.

 

I don't recall @Unicorn if you mentioned what country your boyfriend is from. Is he Brazilian?

You hit it on the nail. JB came off as arrogant and entitled in that book. If Valentino had forced himself on JB, I could understand, but if his account is accurate, Valentino was being very nice to him, and didn't deserve to be mocked. I confess to having had a crush on JB, but he came off as ugly as a person, so his book turned me off on him. Another book/autobiography that totally turned me off of a physically beautiful man is Joe Putignano's Acrobaddict. That man seems to be the ultimate sociopath with no sense of decency. I would imagine that if it weren't for his looks, he'd probably be spending most of his life in jail. Some men with exceptional looks get away with incredibly bad behavior. I would prefer to keep my SO's country of origin private for now, although I'm willing to say he's not Brazilian. If he ever comes out, I'll be willing to share.

[Walker1]

I am not sure I see what the problem is?

[Deadlift1]

Enjoy it for however long it lasts.