Humiliation fatntasies--got 'em, a bit afraid of 'em

[indyeric]

Getting comfortable with my sexuality department:

 

I've always had fantasies about being a slave, being humiliated/controlled, etc. In the last year, I've found more and more that what really gets me off are fantasies of being severely verbally humiliated--having my body ridiculed, being called "fucking faggot," etc. I've experimented with these while jerking off, having phone sex (both as the bottom and the top), but not much in person. And in the in-person encounters I've had, I've actually been the top (bottoms, bottoms, everywhere).

 

Something's holding me back about, say, hiring an escort, to act this fantasy out with. Part of me thinks this fantasy is unhealthy, and that reinforcing it is reinforcing an unhealthy part of myself. But I can also see where accepting it, especially the wanting-to-be-humiliated part--could be healthy, too.

 

I feel like I'm in the early stages of another coming-out process--you know, recognizing and accepting this aspect of my sexuality, rather than repressing it, trying to deny it, change it, etc.

 

Any comments, insights, reassurances, etc., would be most welcome.

 

Thanks,

 

Eric

[+ Lucky]

You cowardly piece of shit. What the fuck are you afraid of? You've gone and shown in front of the whole internet what a dumbfuck you are yet you are afraid to let some hung wh*re slap your ugly face in person? Can you get any more pathetic? You big sissy!

 

Hope this helps!

[+ deej]

Set a "safe word" that means STOP RIGHT DAMN NOW and go for it.

 

Don't let anyone else define your limits of excitement for you. Find your own!

[+ purplekow]

>Getting comfortable with my sexuality department:

>

>Something's holding me back about, say, hiring an escort, to

>act this fantasy out with. Part of me thinks this fantasy is

>unhealthy, and that reinforcing it is reinforcing an unhealthy

>part of myself. But I can also see where accepting it,

>especially the wanting-to-be-humiliated part--could be

>healthy, too.

>

 

>

Exploring all aspects of our nature is a healthy thing to do. Perhaps exploring this will lead you to greater understanding yourself as a person, perhaps you will just have a fun time and want to utilize that for future fun or it may just be something you can pile on to the "never going to do that again" pile along with platform shoes and leisures suits. The only way you can know for sure is to do it. Believe me, there are plenty of guys who will run with that ball if you just hike it to them. (That takes care of my curiosity about whether I am any good a sports analogies.)

[indyeric]

>You cowardly piece of shit. What the fuck are you afraid of?

>You've gone and shown in front of the whole internet what a

>dumbfuck you are yet you are afraid to let some hung wh*re

>slap your ugly face in person? Can you get any more pathetic?

>You big sissy!

>

>Hope this helps!

 

That was great! Thanks. (laughing my ass off, too)

[+ Lucky]

You're welcome! Such a kind and gentle response indicates what a warm and wonderful person you are! (Now didn't you just hate that?)

[+ Cash4Trash]

My fantasies are moving in the opposite direction. Have long found verbal humiliation erotic. now I'm exploring my own more aggressive verbal fantasies.

 

Hire a good versatile escort and let him know what you're about.

If humiliation is not for you, switch roles. Switch roles back and forth, etc.

 

I hired versatile Joe Sarge the other day and had a great time.

He's a nice guy, a good escort and understands it's all fun and all good.

 

If it makes your dick harder and your load bigger go for it.

[+ Charlie]

I think that acting out fantasies is often a good way to get them out of your system, not least because the reality can turn out to be much less satisfying than one expects, and you can move on to something else. However, some fantasies are better left as fantasies, such as rape by a motorcycle gang. Where your particular fantasy fits is hard to say. If you have a reasonably strong sense of self-esteem, allowing yourself to be humiliated may just be a healthy way to release your negative feelings about your shortcomings (we all have them, even RockHard), and accept them and yourself as a normal flawed human being--religions often incorporate some sort of humbling rituals for this purpose. On the other hand, you could create even more negative feelings about yourself because you pay some attractive guy to demean you (some men find even the basic fact that they pay for sex degrading), particularly if you get the sense that the escort truly believes what he is saying and genuinely wants to humiliate you. Because the emotional consequences are so potentially harmful, I would choose the escort whom you hire for this scene very carefully.

[Louis]

(some men find even the basic fact that they pay for sex degrading),

Yup you can count me in on that one.

Louis

[Juan Vancouver]

Express, don't repress. (Long, long post.)

 

Eric,

 

I am really admired by your honesty and braveness to write about this specific fantasy in a forum like this. Way to go!

 

The first time that a partner expressed interest in such fantasies I was too young, a lot more dumb and didn't have a clear idea of what he was talking about. So I went and got as much information as I could about the subject and to my surprise I realised that this is not an oddity, not a "very peculiar and unknown" kink. Many -I mean many people before you have felt that urge and explored the different ways in which you can fulfill those fantasies.

 

There's a lot of material written on the subject, and it ranges from Psychology treatises to Bedside books. However there seems to be a certain agreement in many aspects of it, no matter the point from which you approach the experience.

 

The consensus seems to stress the importance of Expressing against Repressing. In our Judeo-Christian world we have been incessantly told to repress every single urge, emotion, impulse, fantasy or instinct. As kids we learn to NEVER trust our inner voice, and we learn to stick to the rules that society at large imposes upon us. This is specially notorious when it comes to sexuality, and all the ways in which it manifests itself.

 

This, according to many sources leads to a feeling of allienation and neurosis.

 

In all the material about S/M and diverse sexuality, there is also a huge stress on the importance of learning how to express our urges in a healthy way. In a way that will not be in our detriment or hurtful to any other being. (Of course, for many people taking a cock up one's shute is the epytome of hurtful and evil, so we are not talking here about moral harm.)

 

Finding a healthy and safe environment in which you can release, explore and play with your fantasies not only will not harm you, but will make you a stronger man. Will teach you a lot about who you are, and how you deal with others, and in which aspects of your life you subconciously indulge this need to be hurt damaging your relationships. By releasing and becoming aware of this impulse inside you, you will be able to have healthier relationships and feel more relaxed, happier.

 

There are a few points that I think are paramount in your having a great experience:

 

1. Find someone knowledgeable. Someone who has experience and certain trainning. Make sure that you do not put yourself in the hands of a Sadistic man who will enjoy making you suffer, but in the hands of a caring and experienced facilitator who understands that you need to deal with this urge, and that it will make you feel better. This is about you and releasing, not about him wanting to hurt you. If at any time during your experience you feel as if it is about him and not about you, RUN! Run as fast as you can.

 

2. Do your homework. Research. Gather as much information as you can about S/M, any other kink that you might feel tempted to try, and of course, get as much information as you can about the man with whom you want to explore it. Knowledge is power. Power gives trust. And without trust you will not be able to surrender to the experience, and it's unlikely you would get anything out of it.

 

3. Communicate clearly. This is about you. So it is important to make perfectly clear what is expected. Never go into a session saying: "Do whatever you want, you decide my boundaries." Make sure that your boundaries, preferences, expectations and fantasies are CLEAR. And make sure that he understands them and can repeat them to you.

 

4. Get two code-words. The easiest is to use RED and YELLOW. Whenever you want something to be toned down, whenever something is totally overwhelming and you need time to assimilate, or stay in that state, say YELLOW. Now, if you are feeling beyond your comfort zone, and want the experience to stop immediately, say RED.

 

5. Have a safety person. Before going to your session tell a friend of yours where you will be, how long you are going to be there, and make sure he has all your contact info. When you get to your session call your safety person in front of your DOM so he knows that you are being looked after. This is specially important in your first session, so you will feel absolutely certain that you are safe and can surrender to the experience. (This is specially important if you are wanting to explore with bondage.)

 

6. Set an intention. Before starting the experience, sit with your DOM and work with him to come up with an intention for that specific session. Could be something as simple as: "I intend to build a safe, and healthy bond with my DOM so I can feel free to surrender fully." or: "I intend to explore my limits and find a way in which I can expand them in a healthy way." The clarity of your intention will make the experience much more fulfilling.

 

7. Surrender, trust, and breath. Throughout the experience be vigilant of the emotions that come up, memories, fantasies, fears, blocks. Breath through them and allow yourself to experience it trying not to judge yourself. Be generous with yourself. It is okay.

 

8. Integrate. After a session a DOM will tell you that the session is over, and will try to bring you back to a comfort zone in his own way. Some might hug you, some might tell you you did a great job, some might just make you lay on top of them. The point of this is to make it clear to you that the safe place to be humiliated, or hurt, or overpowered is over. Now you can go to the outside world without subconciously falling into those patterns. A good DOM will ask you how you are feeling, what are your emotions, how was your experience, and what have you learnt from it. Putting your experience into words is a very important step to integrate whatever you learnt about yourself, and make it a healing experience. Once you feel that you regained lucidity, peace, calmness and are ready to go out, you can leave.

 

9. Follow up. In the days after your experience it is likely that you might have more insights about it, about you, and it is important -again- to verbalize those insights to be able to fully claim the knowledge that it is giving to you about yourself. A good DOM would expect you to contact him by mail, phone or in person to get real closure for your experience. (Even if you are planning on continuing to explore that path.)

 

Be Yourself. Be brave. Be wise. Be healthy. Be safe.

 

Apparently only by integrating, accepting and loving all aspects of our psyche we will be able to be happy. Otherwise, we will live in constant conflict with ourselves and others. The important thing is to work towards that acceptance in a safe, healthy and loving way.

 

Good luck in your exploration! It's going to be fun!

 

 

On a side note:

Whoa!

 

Reading this I understand why is it that I don't post here that often. I guess to me it only made sense to write about this subject if I can be specific and clear. Sorry if you got bored guys.

[Rick Munroe]

>Part of me thinks this fantasy is

>unhealthy, and that reinforcing it is reinforcing an unhealthy

>part of myself. But I can also see where accepting it,

>especially the wanting-to-be-humiliated part--could be

>healthy, too.

 

I think it's definitely healthy to embrace this fantasy instead of trying to repress it. And I also think it's a hot fantasy; I definitely get off on being humiliated/dominated and I also love to do the same to others (but not within the same encounter...too confusing! :o ). I guess because I have a very healthy ego and high self-esteem, I sometimes find it exciting to be put down and used like a sex object. And, coming from that perspective, I can also find it hot to treat another guy that way, since I know how it feels to be on that end of it. Whether it's physical (slapping, pissing, tying up) or verbal or both, I think it's absolutely healthy, as long as you play safely. And definitely pay attention to Juan's educated advice!

[Lookin]

RE: Express, don't repress. (Long, long post.)

 

Juan, that was the most informative and insightful post I've read here. I haven't gone down this path, but I'm going to start thinking about it. Thanks!

[+ purplekow]

RE: Express, don't repress. (Long, long post.)

 

Thanks Juan for the well considered and well written piece. Almost makes me want to go and be humiliated.

[whipped guy]

With all sincerity, Juan’s posting is the most sensitive, provocative, absorbing, meaningful, and stimulating posting I have seen here in quite a while. Talk about being right on the money!

 

As a person who on occasion has stumbled in my quest for gratification and fulfillment, Juan’s “nine points” indeed sum things up admirably. Early on, I was fortunate to connect with someone who believed in the basic tenets expressed by Juan, however not every guy out there is mature and experienced enough to act in such a responsible manner… Reading Juan’s post reminded me of various situations where things did not exactly play out according to my expectations. I’m sure it was no accident that both “knowledge” and “safety” are foundations of his approach. Armed with knowledge and good judgment one can indeed learn to be comfortable with all aspects of one’s sexuality.

 

I would suggest that all who express a desire to explore the deeper and darker aspects of their psyche bookmark this thread for future reference… in fact all of us (no matter what your proclivities) should study, learn and absorb the wisdom expressed in “Juan’s Nine Commandments”…

 

“Be yourself. Be wise. Be brave. Be healthy. Be safe.”

 

Thank you Juan!

[Juan Vancouver]

It's all my pleasure. Glad that you guys enjoyed it.

[+ Lucky]

RE: Humiliation fantasies--got 'em, a bit afraid of 'em

 

I didn't know where else to post this pic:

http://onedatatime.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/luckyween.jpg

[Guest Merlin]

There are probably videos along these lines to explore the fantasy without getting in too deep. I don't know where to find them (I'm not looking)

[indyeric]

Long, long reply RE: . . . (Long, long post.)

 

Juan, your reply to my post is so beautifully written, and the spirit it expresses so equally beautiful, that it's taken me a while to respond. It's not often I read something in a web forum which gives me new insight into myself, as is as affirming and validating as your statement.

 

>Eric,

>

>I am really admired by your honesty and braveness to write

>about this specific fantasy in a forum like this. Way to go!

 

Thanks. It was a bit frightening to write it, because this part of myself has frightened me.

>

>The first time that a partner expressed interest in such

>fantasies I was too young, a lot more dumb and didn't have a

>clear idea of what he was talking about. So I went and got as

>much information as I could about the subject and to my

>surprise I realised that this is not an oddity, not a "very

>peculiar and unknown" kink. Many -I mean many people before

>you have felt that urge and explored the different ways in

>which you can fulfill those fantasies.

>

>There's a lot of material written on the subject, and it

>ranges from Psychology treatises to Bedside books. However

>there seems to be a certain agreement in many aspects of it,

>no matter the point from which you approach the experience.

>

>The consensus seems to stress the importance of Expressing

>against Repressing. In our Judeo-Christian world we have been

>incessantly told to repress every single urge, emotion,

>impulse, fantasy or instinct. As kids we learn to NEVER trust

>our inner voice, and we learn to stick to the rules that

>society at large imposes upon us. This is specially notorious

>when it comes to sexuality, and all the ways in which it

>manifests itself.

 

I'm reminded of a William Blake which has stuck with me since high school: "Better kill an infant in its cradle than nurse an unacted desire." There's a bit of Romantic hyperbole there, of course. And Blake seems to offer two options: act on the desire or stop nursing it (the latter not always being obvious to those first hearing the line.)

>

>This, according to many sources leads to a feeling of

>allienation and neurosis.

 

That makes a lot of sense. And it certainly reinforces Blake's insight, that repressing desires can be as murderous to one's self (and to one's "inner child," we'd say now) as killing a child.

>

>In all the material about S/M and diverse sexuality, there is

>also a huge stress on the importance of learning how to

>express our urges in a healthy way. In a way that will not be

>in our detriment or hurtful to any other being. (Of course,

>for many people taking a cock up one's shute is the epytome of

>hurtful and evil, so we are not talking here about moral

>harm.)

>

>Finding a healthy and safe environment in which you can

>release, explore and play with your fantasies not only will

>not harm you, but will make you a stronger man. Will teach you

>a lot about who you are, and how you deal with others, and in

>which aspects of your life you subconciously indulge this need

>to be hurt damaging your relationships. By releasing and

>becoming aware of this impulse inside you, you will be able to

>have healthier relationships and feel more relaxed, happier.

 

Wow, that is really insightful. I really do damage and sabotage my self in various relationships and aspects of my professional life.

>

>There are a few points that I think are paramount in your

>having a great experience:

 

[snip--and all the points were very helpful]

>

>Be Yourself. Be brave. Be wise. Be healthy. Be safe.

>

>Apparently only by integrating, accepting and loving all

>aspects of our psyche we will be able to be happy. Otherwise,

>we will live in constant conflict with ourselves and others.

>The important thing is to work towards that acceptance in a

>safe, healthy and loving way.

 

Gee, I wish my past therapists could have been this clear!

 

>Good luck in your exploration! It's going to be fun!

>

 

Here's the big irony. I had these incredibly intense, constant humiliation fantasies for months. About the only way I came for quite a while. And, in that state of inner conflict about them I wrote my post, which brought such welcome responses of reassurance and validation.

 

And then the fantasy flipped to being a dominant, nasty, humiliating top. Now, the whole scene has faded to the background and I'm having rather vanilla fantasies. (Why no actual sex? I live an hour from a real city, have been overworking, and dealing with three much loved but time-intensive teenage kids. And not in a financial position to hire someone to drive out!)

 

So just when I finally accepted these fantasies and was ready to find someone with whom to act them out---poof! they are gone.

 

But I'll be ready for them when they return.

>

>On a side note:

>Whoa!

>

>Reading this I understand why is it that I don't post here

>that often. I guess to me it only made sense to write about

>this subject if I can be specific and clear. Sorry if you got

>bored guys.

>

 

Clearly I'm not the only one who was blown away by this post. Thanks, thanks, thanks, and thanks again!

 

Love,

 

Eric

[Juan Vancouver]

Damn, you really made me smile.

 

Eric,

 

It was great to read your response. I was left smiling for quite a long time, and still whenever I think about it makes me feel warm and fuzzy. This is the amazing blessing of the internet; it allows us to interact with people with whom otherwise we would never meet. And to me, the biggest gift I can receive is when someone says: "Thanks, you touched me."

 

Also, I loved Blake's quote. Ruthless, simple, poetic.

 

It's fascinating to read that the minute you told yourself that it was okay to have those fantasies they morphed and then went away alltogether. I am really curious on whether they will ever come back.

 

I deeply apreciate your effort to write back and share this. I always have thought that the adventure of self-discovery is the most amazing trip we will ever be able to experience. And that's why I love my work; apparently sexuality is the area in our psyche that is the most challenging for all of us. I love to see how we are all different approaching it.

 

God luck on your trip and again, I am deeply thankful for your response.

[+ nycman]

Ummm...Juan....please marry me!

 

Thanks bro for a very insightful post.

 

-nycman

[Juan Vancouver]

Rings and commitment...

 

>Ummm...Juan....please marry me!

 

I cannot marry you, but you can wear my ring...

 

On your tongue! :9 }(