Resetting Life, need some advice.

[Moe]

Hello!

 

I am not one to talk about my life to people, but I am just a bit too nervous about my future and need advice. My life hasn't been great for much of my time on this planet. My parents were not fit to parent. My father was never around and my mother was very abusive. Both of my parents are immigrants from the Middle East where stupid cultural practices took place that led to my grandfather forcing my mother to marry my father at the age of 15.

 

My mother was never happy with her life since that moment and took it out on her children. Beatings happened often for me. Stupid things like laughing in bed at my siblings would result in getting smacked in the face. There have been times when she would start beating me with her hand and end up kicking me because I'd cower on the floor while curled up in a ball. She would usually end those events by spitting on me. I was probably around 5 or 6 when the beatings started.

 

Why am I sharing this with you? Well, I think due to my upbringing, I am not really the most social person at my current age of 34. I am always scared to interact with people. My mother has always threatened me to keep my mouth shut about happenings at home. To never talk too much to anyone and that I would be beaten if I let anything that happened at home slip to anyone. I've been beaten for telling a classmate that her older brother and his wife came over for a visit once. So now, when I am out with the public, I tend to keep away from people. I am nervous to ask for help at stores. I am scared to ask for directions if lost and I am terrified of police just because my mom would scare us by threatening us with jail. I need this to change. I don't want to live like this anymore.

 

I live in a conservative city that has managed to stay relatively segregated. I wasn't able to find a job when I first moved here in 2003. My first and last names are very common Middle Eastern names that would elicit people to avoid me and I assume that is why none would hire me. Having finished high school overseas that no one has ever heard about may have also contributed. I applied at fast food places, every place that was hiring at every mall, janitorial jobs, not one would contact me. I ended up working for other Middle Easterners where they would under pay me under the table. They knew that most companies wouldn't hire someone with my name so I was making $200 for about 60 hours a week.

 

That went on for about three years. In that time, by some miracle, I was accepted into University that had living accomodations. I was ecstatic because I was about to be on the streets due to my roommate getting married. So I went to school with no plan and took some general courses. Then shit hit the fan. Before moving to this city, I had lived overseas with my family for a while. My grandmother passed away so my father sent us to take care of his father. His father got sick a year later and came to the states for treatment. When he went back, my father was with him. He died shortly after. My father then wasted 2 years in that country not working and spending all of his savings. When he finally went back to the states, he ceased all communications with us and stopped supporting us financially. I bring this up because fast forward to college, my mother kept putting pressure on me to bring her and my siblings here. It nearly broke me. I was stressed out all of the time, I couldn't study, I was angry at work (the poor pay didn't help), and I was coming to terms with me being gay.

 

I always knew I was gay, ever since I was about 7. I found my moms porn magazines and was instantly attracted to the men. But growing up at the time that I did (like so many others) and with my parents cultural background, I had to keep quiet about it and just told myself that it was just a phase. I remember one time that I wore my moms makeup and my dad was about to beat me senseless for it. It was a rare moment that my mother showed mercy and stopped him. So, ever since then, I don't discuss it.

 

Anyhow, my mom manages to make it here without me funding the trip. We get an apartment together and I pay the bills while everyone else gets to live their lives. I even took out extra school loans so I can help support my mom and siblings. Worst mistake I have ever done. I had to drop out of school because I never had time to study while working as many hours as I did and because I couldn't afford to make the tuition payments. Luckily for me, I put most of the loans in my mother's name. I was also in a car accident and was scared to drive or go out for a long time.

 

I end up leaving my poor paying job to go to a better paying one due to the fact that they really needed someone honest who can work a cash register. The one good (and bad) thing about working for Middle Easterners is that they all keep in touch with each other and gossip about everyone. I had a good reputation since I never went clubbing, partying, and just stayed home. And my register was never short, I was fast with dealing with customers and always treated people kindly. That good job lasted a year. I ended up going to a worse job because my mother said the opportunity was better and that it was her friend that ran the place. I ended up getting fired due to constantly fighting with the owner and due to my anger issues. I wasn't always an angry person. I was more docile and kind of just accepted my fate in life, but as time passed, I just kept getting angrier and angrier at how I always got the short end of the stick while everyone else around me was treated one hundred times better.

 

One of my ex-coworkers from a previous job became a cab driver and bumped into me when I was going around looking for a new job. He assured me that the taxi business was good and that he could get me hired. I loved the job. It had its negatives, but I basically didn't have to answer to anyone and the more I worked, the more money I made. Then the economy tanked in 2008/09 and the job became miserable. It was still better than working for Middle Easterners in their grocery stores so I stuck with it for 10 years.

 

Finally, I quit my job today. I switched from company to company a couple of times, but this last year has been horrible. Cab companies do not care about their drivers. They only care about the money drivers make them.The way the system works is that the company would charge a rental fee that covers the use of their vehicle, maintenance, insurance and dispatch. Drivers had to cover fuel. It has gotten ridiculous the last few months where I had to spend from my savings to pay the cab rent. Dispatchers are very corrupt. They accept bribes from certain drivers and feed them good trips while they would send drivers like me across town 7-10 miles to run a 5 dollar trip. I don't want to bore you with more details with the taxi industries corruption, especially since I feel like I have been rambling in this thread already, so let just say that it sucks and I had to leave due to high stress levels and chest pains. Turns out my blood pressure is really high at 208/122.

 

The main reason for this thread is I have an interview at Walmart tomorrow. I am really nervous because I have never had a job at an American company where I had to interact with people. Driving a taxi was easy because most people would just say hi, tell me where they were going and go back to their cell phone. I have also gained a lot of weight in the last 6 months due to stress eating. It sucks because I lost 70 pounds last year doing the Keto Diet and put it all back on and now I am scared that I won't be fast enough with the stocking at Walmart if I do get the job. I also don't want Walmart to be my future. More like a stepping stone. I thought it would do me good to get a job that will make me stand on my feet rather than sit on my ass all day like I did in the cab business.

 

Are there any fitness sites for beginners that you might recommend a tub o'lard like me to go to? I went for a mile walk today just to gauge my fitness level and nearly died from asphyxiation when I got to the top of a minor hill. How long would it take me to get used to standing and walking around Walmart for 8 hours a day? Is there anything I can do to speed up the healing process of the muscles in my legs so I am not in pain every night?

 

Finally, has anyone ever done a career change in their 30's? I am tired of being poor and I know that not everyone can be rich, but I would like to be able to own my own condo when I am 40 and to be out of debt. What would you guys recommend an introvert like me to pursue? I am willing to consider a trade school or community college, but I don't want to go and get into debt. I want to be able to pay it all off while I am studying. Are there any employers that pay well and train on the job? Also, what cities are more welcome to people with non English names? I'd love to leave this city.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know this forum is mainly for escorting/massage but I am not really a member of anything online. I tend to just lurk in the shadows. I also like how the community here is so helpful and kind to one another. I don't expect many replies, just typing this has made me feel a little better - like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

[+ WilliamM]

I suggest you concentrate just on school, and worry about debt later. Doing well in school wll give you more confidence.

 

My choice of school and work lasted two years before leaving the job. Wonderful to completely devout to one thing: school.

 

I enjoyed reading your message.

[+ E.T.Bass]

Sounds like you recognize your mistakes and recognize your anger issues.

Congrats on going for a mile walk. Keep it up!!

[+ azdr0710]

among the other things, continue with the cardio!!!......daily brisk walks of at least 45-60 minutes (increased heart rate and breathing fairly hard is mandatory!) for the rest of your life!.....and you know what to eat!!.......getting your weight back down will help you in many ways (physical, mental, spiritual)!!.......it feels so good all day long after a good walk or (later??!!) run!!........

[+ purplekow]

Well there is certainly a lot to digest from your post. Most alarming in the here and now is a blood pressure at the levels you mentioned. That is a dangerously high blood pressure and you should have it checked and treated.

Your history of abuse and difficult jobs is heart rending.

While school is an option, look into some entry level jobs at companies which offer compensation for going to school. It may take you awhile longer but you will have much less debt when you complete your studies. I would not suggest going to school to try and figure out what your interests are.

If you sit and think about it, I am sure you can decide where your interests lie and you should pursue that.

Larger cities are probably the best place for people who want to blend. While I do not think your name alone would stop you from getting a job in a large city, if you are that concerned about it, a name change is not that expensive a legal task. If you want to change from Mohammed to Moe and from Akbar to Barry, a small fee can do that for you. There are papers you would need to fill out and of course in this time period, if you are Middle Eastern and changing your name, you may come under some government scrutiny.

You cannot change your past but you can change the trajectory of your future. Find a city, find a friend, find a job, find a gym, find a school and find a career and concentrate on those things. You may have to start loving yourself more and that may be the most difficult part for you as you do not seem to have had a loving home. Start with accepting yourself, your failings and then recognize your strengths and then start searching: city, friend, job, gym, school and career. The 30s are the prime of life, do not count yourself out. I am double that and more Today I started a new job. I felt 35 again and I can tell you 35 felt great.

Lots of luck. Do not give up on yourself.

[+ tassojunior]

You've been on the short end of a lot of situations. But what you don't seem to "get" about America, (and as a middle-easterner you should), is that you don't have to work for anyone. You can set up your own whatever, be your own boss, and possibly make it big. There are plenty of things connected with Uber, there's eBay,there's other sales, there's even dog-walking. If you're smart enough for school, you're smart enough to start a little business.

[Bearofdistinction]

Bad parents - Got that - Cashier Okay - Writing skills are likely above the circumstances described -- If this is real - then reach out for mental health assistance --

[Guest europeanman]

Set your priorities:

1. Go to a physician and control your blood pressure TODAY!

2. Get rid of your shitty family. They will drag you down.

3. Think of the rest, make a plan and act on it.

[Guest]

Exercise will be great for you. If you were over exerted climbing a hill, you were walking to fast for today’s fitness level. Take it slowly and you can increase the pace over time. My best advice would be to have good shoes. Another option is going up steps (I just suggest stepping lightly to avoid the impact of pounding your foot down with each step)

 

A personal story: I ride bikes. A decade ago, early in my cycling development, I decided to ride up a particularly steep hill - one mile, 21° grade. I was wearing a heart rate monitor. I started too fast and pushed too hard. Halfway up, I “had visions of my death” as my heart rate hit 232! I stopped and recovered. That was the last time I ever stopped my bike on a hill...I learned to start slow and not go faster than my heart rate allowed...six months later, no one could keep up with me on a hill.

 

View your exercise as a journey...start simple and improve over time.

[Guest europeanman]

Exercise will be great for you. If you were over exerted climbing a hill, you were walking to fast for today’s fitness level. Take it slowly and you can increase the pace over time. My best advice would be to have good shoes. Another option is going up steps (I just suggest stepping lightly to avoid the impact of pounding your foot down with each step)

 

A personal story: I ride bikes. A decade ago, early in my cycling development, I decided to ride up a particularly steep hill - one mile, 21° grade. I was wearing a heart rate monitor. I started too fast and pushed too hard. Halfway up, I “had visions of my death” as my heart rate hit 232! I stopped and recovered. That was the last time I ever stopped my bike on a hill...I learned to start slow and not go faster than my heart rate allowed...six months later, no one could keep up with me on a hill.

 

View your exercise as a journey...start simple and improve over time.

@Moe Do not exercise, not any form of exercise, not even walking, before you normalize your blood pressure. Go to a hospital's emergencies now! And walk slowly! Your BP is dangerously high!

[amused1]

First, take care of your health, both physical and emotional.

 

Second, while it may seem impossible, get some distance from your family. It's hard, I know, I had to do it.

 

Third, become skilled in Microsoft office suite (Word, Excel, etc.). Check with your local library, they may offer free classes. Community colleges may also have affordable classes.

 

Temporary positions often lead to full time employment.

 

Best wishes to you.

[YoungAD]

Walmart would be the very last choice I would consider. Both of my children worked in restaurants and bars, made a ton of money and friends. My niece is a manager at a small coffee shop and started two years ago with no experience.

 

One other thing: I would share the narrative above with no one. The employee who gets the job is happy and outgoing and will fit in, even if you must fake it.

Edited September 5, 2018 by YoungAD

[Moe]

Thanks for the responses everyone!

 

I am going to be focusing on my health first and foremost. I will no longer be sitting in a car for 12-17 hours a day, everyday, ever again. My priority is to lower my blood pressure and lose weight. At the moment I can't afford an emergency room trip, and can barely afford and Urgent Care visit so I will immediately focus on my diet and make sure I walk everyday and see if it has an effect. When I went to have a physical 3 months ago, the doctor told me that my blood pressure was around 150 (I forgot the diastolic level) and that I needed to lower it. Rather than facing a doctor again I went to a pharmacy and used one of their do it yourself blood pressure cuffs. Apparently they may not be accurate and may have read my pressure a little higher than it is. I do remember thinking it was a little tight to fit around my arm. I'll make sure I use my first paycheck to go to and get looked at.

 

The interview at Walmart went smoothly and I got hired. I know for most, Walmart isn't the best place to work, but I am excited. I am a little worried about the pains my body will go through at first, yet, I know that it will be for the better. They hired me for stocking dairy products, so I will not have to deal with customers much since I'll be in the background rather than out front. I am a bit nervous since this is my first job with a big company like this, hopefully that will go away soon.

 

I don't plan to get personal with anyone I may work with. I've had enough drama to last me several lifetimes and so like YoungAD has stated, I will get the job done while exuding happiness. Thanks for the good wishes and support.

[+ Tarte Gogo]

One thing you mentioned you felt was a hindrance to get a job in your life was your name.

 

I don’t know if you are an American citizen, but if you are, and if you feel it is still a problem, in many states, you can legally change your name, for any reason, even just “I don’t like it”.

 

If you don’t feel you have a strong identification with your father’s name, and the first name your parents gave you is not something you love, why not consider legally changing it?

 

You have really good writing skills, I think filling in a few forms should be easy for you.

 

That is only addressing 1 of your many points, but it could be a part of the changes you want.

 

It could be a new start, a new job, a new fitness, a new name. A new life.

Edited September 5, 2018 by Tarte Gogo

[YoungAD]

Good luck to you, and good for you for making real changes in your life. Many suggestions made on the board are too often met with excuses.

[Moe]

One thing you mentioned you felt was a hindrance to get a job in your life was your name.

 

I don’t know if you are an American citizen, but if you are, and if you feel it is still a problem, in many states, you can legally change your name, for any reason, even just “I don’t like it”.

 

If you don’t feel you have a strong identification with your father’s name, and the first name your parents gave you is not something you love, why not consider legally changing it?

 

You have really good writing skill, I think filling in a few forms should be easy for you.

 

That is only addressing 1 of your many points, but it could be a part of the changes you want.

 

It could be a new start, a new job, a new fitness, a new name. A new life.

 

Thanks for the compliment on my writing skills. I never thought much of it since I finished my schooling overseas and one thing they didn't focus on was proper English. Most of the teachers were Arabic speakers who did not have qualifications to teach in English even though their job required it. I guess my obsession with reading Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings over and over really paid off!

 

As for my name, I actually like it and don't want to change it due to bigots not accepting different people with different backgrounds. I don't want to deal with people that can't accept me because of my name. It just gets aggravating when trying to find employment and it should have to be. It's the same with anyone who identifies as gay, we shouldn't have to worry that it will affect our employment in any way, and yet, it sometimes does due to a prick with a superiority complex. I think I'll just plan to move from this city. I've never been happy since the day I got here, so there is no reason to die here.

[+ Tarte Gogo]

As for my name, I actually like it and don't want to change it due to bigots not accepting different people with different backgrounds. I don't want to deal with people that can't accept me because of my name.

Ok!

Sorry, given who gave you this name, and how they treated you, I though maybe you resented it.

But if not, of course you should keep it.

[+ FreshFluff]

Lots of respect, Moe. You've had a lot of hardship and have gotten through it. If you lost 70 pounds once, you can do it again. Moving from a sedentary job to one that involves standing on your feet will be hard, but it will help with weight loss.

 

I'll be thinking of you as you start your new job. There's no need to share with people at work, but if at all possible, make friends whom you can talk to. I know that's not easy and it will take time.

[+ azdr0710]

like others have said, your writing quality is nearly professional-level and pleasant to read....efficient, to-the-point, organized.......

 

please keep up with the daily cardio exercise.....45-60 minutes of breathing fairly hard.....as said, start easy (steady brisk walking) and increase.....this will be for the rest of your life!.....in a few months, you should start a weight-training program at a gym.....for life, too!......

 

the new job will be great.....standing rather than sitting, not-unpleasant conditions, a sense of accomplishment.....smile and have fun (and do what the boss says!)......get some comfortable shoes and some insole padding (if you don't have already)......as much as WalMart has a bad rep for (supposedly??) poor employee treatment, I presume a big company like that has some benefits you can take advantage of (insurance, 401K, education expenses, etc.??)......some of the employees may be not the coolest, but that's not a big worry......don't injure yourself!!

 

pay down any debt you may have.....set up a savings plan.....cut your daily/monthly expenses......

 

keep us updated!!

[David1024]

Thanks for the responses everyone!

 

I am going to be focusing on my health first and foremost. I will no longer be sitting in a car for 12-17 hours a day, everyday, ever again. My priority is to lower my blood pressure and lose weight. At the moment I can't afford an emergency room trip, and can barely afford and Urgent Care visit so I will immediately focus on my diet and make sure I walk everyday and see if it has an effect. When I went to have a physical 3 months ago, the doctor told me that my blood pressure was around 150 (I forgot the diastolic level) and that I needed to lower it. Rather than facing a doctor again I went to a pharmacy and used one of their do it yourself blood pressure cuffs. Apparently they may not be accurate and may have read my pressure a little higher than it is. I do remember thinking it was a little tight to fit around my arm. I'll make sure I use my first paycheck to go to and get looked at.

 

The interview at Walmart went smoothly and I got hired. I know for most, Walmart isn't the best place to work, but I am excited. I am a little worried about the pains my body will go through at first, yet, I know that it will be for the better. They hired me for stocking dairy products, so I will not have to deal with customers much since I'll be in the background rather than out front. I am a bit nervous since this is my first job with a big company like this, hopefully that will go away soon.

 

I don't plan to get personal with anyone I may work with. I've had enough drama to last me several lifetimes and so like YoungAD has stated, I will get the job done while exuding happiness. Thanks for the good wishes and support.

 

Congrats on getting hired! OK, Walmart may not be the best place to work, but hopefully they are providing you with health insurance, so if nothing else, use that benefit to get your health back on track, have a steady income and decide what you may like to do after that.

 

Your posts are very poignant and in some ways inspiring because you have been able to identify your problems. You may not have solutions to them yet, but knowing what you have to deal with is half the battle. One step at a time. Do at least one thing every day to help improve something in your life or do something that you will enjoy, and take time for yourself. If you stay strong and stay positive, you will look back on your early life and realize that you've come a long way.

 

The hardest thing for you to do is to separate yourself from your family, and not feel guilty about it. You've given your family a lot, they've expected a lot from you. Now it's your time to focus on yourself.

 

Good luck!!

[+ José Soplanucas]

Finally, has anyone ever done a career change in their 30's?

 

I switched careers when I was turning 40. I did not do it for financial reasons, but for happiness reasons. I gave up a safe government career and a relatively high salary back in Argentina, to become a high school teacher in the States. I took a huge cut in my income at the beginning, but I do not regret my choice.

 

If you are not happy with what you are doing now, you must restart.

[+ FreshFluff]

I guess my obsession with reading Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings over and over really paid off!

 

It definitely did. You could do well in a job that involves writing.

 

Looking forward, have you thought about teaching? Maybe ESL?

[Moe]

It definitely did. You could do well in a job that involves writing.

 

Looking forward, have you thought about teaching? Maybe ESL?

 

Actually, I did. Years ago, I read about how Saudi Arabia was short on ESL teachers and that they were paying up to 60k a year. Since I speak Arabic (though at 1st grade level), I thought it would be a good fit. I wasn't sure that my English skills were good enough. Sure, I speak it well enough, but I don't think my grammar is great. I guess that's what college is for! I will look into classes at my local community colleges, it is something I could see myself definitely do.

 

I don't think I'd go to Saudi Arabia though, but I'll worry about that later.

[Moe]

like others have said, your writing quality is nearly professional-level and pleasant to read....efficient, to-the-point, organized.......

 

please keep up with the daily cardio exercise.....45-60 minutes of breathing fairly hard.....as said, start easy (steady brisk walking) and increase.....this will be for the rest of your life!.....in a few months, you should start a weight-training program at a gym.....for life, too!......

 

the new job will be great.....standing rather than sitting, not-unpleasant conditions, a sense of accomplishment.....smile and have fun (and do what the boss says!)......get some comfortable shoes and some insole padding (if you don't have already)......as much as WalMart has a bad rep for (supposedly??) poor employee treatment, I presume a big company like that has some benefits you can take advantage of (insurance, 401K, education expenses, etc.??)......some of the employees may be not the coolest, but that's not a big worry......don't injure yourself!!

 

pay down any debt you may have.....set up a savings plan.....cut your daily/monthly expenses......

 

keep us updated!!

 

Thanks for the advice! As for walking, I have heard conflicting things. Should I walk everyday even though my legs and ankles are sore, or should I walk every other day to give time to heal? And yes, I do plan to weight train after I drop some pounds. I am not comfortable going to the gym at the moment due to my current size. I'll feel like everyone wouldn't be able to look away from my jiggling rolls.

 

As far as Walmart. I have heard bad things about them as well. I know one of the employees there due to them working at a restaurant I used to frequent and she was complaining about management being incompetent. I don't think it can be as bad as working for a taxi company where I had to work for long hours, get stuck in traffic, have someone give me a heart attack 5 times a day by either pulling out in front of me at the last moment to make their exit, or just slamming their breaks because they dropped their phone. The Dispatchers were a whole different story and to keep things short, lets just say I hope they all get crabs and lose their eyebrows for the suffering they inflicted on me.

 

As I said before, I don't plan to get too close to anyone at Walmart. I plan to be pleasant with everyone, do my job to the best of my ability, and go home. If I feel I could make friends, I will, but it won't be my focus. Saving money, paying off debt and getting healthy will be the priority for the next year. Well, maybe one encounter with the masseur Alexi (from miami) if he comes to my town this year .

[Chad Constantine]

My first thought was that while your working why don’t you see if your eligible to apply for any civil or state government jobs or take civil service examinations. You may also want to look into medical technician jobs which usually pay very good. My friend became a radiologic technologist and within 5+ years already owns a condo. It is never to late to start over as long as you make sure that where you want to head doesn’t lead you right back where you are. You may want to start creating a life plan for yourself that comprise of not only what type of future you see for yourself but also a list of promises/demands of yourself.