Kevin Slater

"I can count my sex life on one hand." Kevin Slater

In my college years, it seemed like every hookup was accompanied either by Enigma or Enya. I mean like it should have been a checkbox on your manhunt profile (top or bottom, cut or uncut, Enigma or Enya). Kevin Slater

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?" Kevin Slater

Me: "I'm not great with couples." Client: "He'll just sit and watch." Like that's an improvement. Kevin Slater

Kevin Slater

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. They are box seats plus airfare and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that it's the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She'll be the one in the white dress. Kevin Slater

Hole isn't nearly large enough. Kevin Slater

Years ago I wanted to confirm the hype that my rate for insurance through them was indeed the best, so I called one of the biggies for a quote. In the process she asked me through whom I was currently insured. When I said USAA, she said "So why are you calling us? We can't beat them." Made that quick and easy. Kevin Slater

I don't think sex and violence should be marketed together. It's not a message we should be sending to our impressionable youth. http://67.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnw23cUZb71qbjc7fo1_1280.png Kevin Slater

True anecdote: Years ago I was taking a college tour given by this jock/bro type. At one point he goes on this odd tangent saying “my freshman year I lived in this all-male housing, my sophomore year I lived in that all-male housing, and my senior year I lived in some other all-male housing.” Someone asked “what about your junior year?” He says “my junior year I was abroad.” I burst out laughing… Kevin Slater

Kevin Slater

Kinda what I always thought: high heels are only for those with wedges. [rimshot] Kevin Slater

Not nearly as rude as they used to be. You'd have loved it back in the day... There is a sauna (across from the showers), but it's not always open. Kevin Slater

Oh, says the woman who can't make an é. If that's not value, I don't know what is! Kevin Slater

If your tablet is an Apple product, simply tap and hold the E and a variety of options will appear. Otherwise, if you want to be extremely anal, you can simply google the character or the word, copy and paste. (That's how I get the ¢ sign.) Kevin Slater

...said the frigid bitch. Kevin Slater

I'm always bad with headlines. I could read this as he's either removing the threat, or making the threat (like dropping a bomb or 'dropping the f word'). But that's probably just me. Kevin Slater

Headline from today's NYT: Trump drops threat of new investigations into Clinton. Kevin Slater

Well I can't possibly come to you, there's a blizzard going on! Kevin Slater

Holy fuck. I didn't even know she was ill. I always really liked her. I'm deeply saddened. Kevin Slater

“I’m not very good at Swifties,” Tom said. Kevin Slater

“He kissed so hard it felt like he was devouring my lips,” Tom mouthed off. Kevin Slater

Not for your benefit, then, but less of something that isn't composed of discrete units (less money), fewer of things that are (fewer dollars). Kevin Slater

“I’m familiar with the domestic help,” Tom made known. Kevin Slater

And then there's the classic SNL skit where Ed Asner tells his replacement “you can’t have too much water in the nuclear reactor”. Kevin Slater