CheckCar

@Charlie, @purplekow, @jeezifonly This thread made me realize that there’s no ❤️ reaction option on CoM threads. My blue thumbs ups are really ❤️

I saw this post making its rounds on social media and wanted to share it here. To anyone reading this who falls into this category, I thank you. 🙏 ================ The Invisible Survivors: Long-Term AIDS Crisis Veterans When we talk about the AIDS crisis today, we often frame it in past tense - a tragedy that happened, a war that was fought and, thanks to modern medicine, largely won. But for long-term survivors who lived through the darkest years of the epidemic, the war never really ended. They're still living on the battlefield, surrounded by ghosts, carrying wounds that most of us cannot see. The Lost Generation That Didn't Die These are people who came of age in the late 1970s and early 1980s, who watched as a mysterious illness began claiming their friends, lovers, and neighbors. They saw the first obituaries in 1981 and 1982. They attended funeral after funeral throughout the 1980s and 1990s. They held hands as people they loved wasted away, often rejected by their own families, sometimes dying alone in hospital corridors because healthcare workers were too afraid to touch them. Many of these survivors were diagnosed HIV-positive in an era when it was a death sentence. They were told they had months, maybe a year or two if they were lucky. They quit jobs, burned through savings, said their goodbyes, and prepared to die. They helped others die with dignity. They became experts in hospice care, funeral arrangements, and managing unbearable grief. And then, miraculously, they didn't die. The Cruel Gift of Survival The development of effective antiretroviral therapy in the mid-1990s, and later the Affordable Care Act's guarantee of coverage, gave long-term survivors something they never expected: a future. But it came at a devastating cost. While their peers were building careers, buying homes, saving for retirement, and creating stable lives, these survivors were in survival mode. They have gaps in their work history that span years or even decades. They lack the professional networks, the retirement accounts, the home equity that people their age typically rely on. At 50, 60, or 70 years old, they're starting from scratch economically - if they can start at all. Many are essentially unemployable. HR departments may not explicitly discriminate, but they notice the gaps in résumés. They see the subtle physical markers of long-term HIV infection and treatment. They calculate the cost of adding someone to the health insurance pool. Despite possessing extraordinary skills - crisis management, emotional resilience, caregiving expertise, the ability to function under unimaginable pressure - these survivors find doors closed. The Psychological Toll Beyond the economic devastation lies something even more insidious: profound psychological trauma. Imagine living for 10, 15, 20 years believing each fever might be your last, each moment of fatigue a sign that your body was finally giving up. Imagine watching everyone you loved die, often horribly, and knowing you would be next. That kind of sustained terror doesn't just disappear when the medications start working. Long-term survivors suffer from PTSD, complex PTSD, depression, and anxiety at rates comparable to combat veterans. They have survivor's guilt. They have what some researchers call "traumatic grief" - mourning not just individual losses but the wholesale destruction of their entire social world. Some lost 50, 100, or more friends. Entire circles of support simply vanished. Many never told their families what they were going through. They isolated themselves, hoping they would die quickly enough not to become a burden. They made plans for suicide as a backup, just in case their deaths weren't swift. They developed what one survivor described as "a panic which was the natural byproduct of the reign of terror this disease has been." The Community's Blind Spot Perhaps most painful is the indifference they now face from the very community they belong to. The LGBTQ+ community has, thankfully, moved forward. Younger generations grow up with PrEP, with marriage equality, with the ability to live openly in ways previous generations couldn't imagine. The nightmare is over for them. But it's not over for long-term survivors. They remain trapped in that nightmare, living reminders of a past the community wants to forget. As one survivor put it: "There's no glamour, nothing sexy, and certainly little, if any, fun in this so our issues seem to be squarely placed in the middle of a blind spot." HIV service organizations focus their resources on prevention and helping newly diagnosed people manage their health. These are crucial services, but they leave long-term survivors without support for their specific needs: economic rehabilitation, mental health treatment for AIDS-related trauma, job placement programs, and community recognition. Long-term survivors gave everything during the crisis. They cared for the dying. They fought for research funding and compassionate treatment. They kept the community together when it was being decimated. They survived when survival seemed impossible. Now they need help catching up to the lives they couldn't live while they were busy helping others die and preparing to die themselves. What They Need Long-term AIDS survivors aren't asking for pity. They're not asking to be forever dependent on public assistance. They're asking for: - Economic support programs tailored to their unique situation - job training, placement assistance, and help building the financial security their peers had decades to create - Mental health services specifically designed for AIDS trauma, provided by professionals who understand the unique nature of surviving a genocide that targeted your community - Recognition from HIV organizations and the LGBTQ+ community that the war isn't over for everyone, and that those who fought longest deserve ongoing support - A chance to remake their lives into something meaningful, to honor the friends they lost by finally being able to live fully themselves Why This Matters to All of Us The story of long-term AIDS survivors isn't just LGBTQ+ history. It's human history. It's a story about what happens when society abandons its most vulnerable people, and about the extraordinary resilience of those who survive anyway. These survivors have skills our world desperately needs. They know how to show up in a crisis. They know how to care for people without judgment. They know how to maintain hope in hopeless situations. They know how to build community when everything is falling apart. We owe them more than we can ever repay. But we can start by seeing them, hearing them, and creating the support systems they need to finally, after decades of mere survival, truly live. The AIDS crisis isn't over. It's just evolved. And its longest-serving veterans deserve better than to be forgotten in the blind spot of our collective memory. -If you are a long-term survivor reading this, please know: Your life matters. What you endured matters. What you lost matters. And what you still have to give matters. You deserve support, recognition, and the chance to build the life you couldn't build when you were too busy surviving. Edward Kimble

I bumped this thread because I have not met him, and I’m hoping to hear from someone who has.

If you end up seeing him, I’d love to hear how it goes. Thanks. 😊

Bumping

Bumping

Any insights based on firsthand experience with this provider will be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Handsonvibes - Male Masseur, Gay massage in New Brunswick, NJ | RentMasseur RENTMASSEUR.COM Gay Masseur Handsonvibes in New Brunswick, NJ offering a wide range of massages ⭐ experienced in therapeutic, sensual, swedish, hotStone, deepTissue.

FYI: He’s about 7-10 years older and 30 pounds heavier than his current Rentmasseur pics. Saw him recently. DM me for details.

His Rentmasseur ad is fairly new, but I figured I’d still ask if anyone has firsthand experience with him. Any intel you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thanks. AngeloElite - Male Massage & Bodywork in Philadelphia, PA | RentMasseur RENTMASSEUR.COM Gay Masseur AngeloElite in Philadelphia, PA offering a wide range of massages ⭐ experienced in...

Thanks!

For those who’ve attended the Buff Daddy’s events at Red Eye: Around what time do most of the dancers start working at the Friday events? Which night tends to have the most dancers—Friday or Sunday? Any intel will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Bumping to see if anyone has had firsthand experience with him. Any insights you’re willing to share will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Bumping to see if anyone has had recent experience with Dustin. Feel free to DM me. Thanks. 🙂

Aggressive as in insistently trying to coax you to make an appointment, or aggressive as in hostile and belligerent toward you? I ask because the former may suggest he’s desperate for business, while the latter may suggest that he’s unsafe to be around.

Bumping because I couldn’t find a thread on this already. I saw isolated mentions of body contact scattered across threads on particular masseurs, but I couldn’t find a single thread that compiled the names of providers conveniently in one place. Any recommendations of masseurs, especially in the NYC area, who incorporate body contact (i.e. using their entire body to massage yours) will be greatly appreciated. Thanks. 🙂 Alternatively, if anyone finds an existing thread on this, hopefully you can post a link to it here. Again, thanks. And for starters, I had this experience a while ago with Jorge_M, but he’s no longer based in NYC. Jorge_M - Male Massage & Bodywork in Philadelphia, PA | RentMasseur RENTMASSEUR.COM Gay Masseur Jorge_M in Philadelphia, PA offering a wide range of massages ⭐ experienced in therapeutic, sensual, swedish, hotStone, deepTissue.

Other threads about him echo my experience with him. There are three things to note: He has changed his screen name a few times over the years, which is often done by providers who rack up lots of negative reviews under a prior screen name. His pictures are old. I saw him over 10 years ago and he’s still using some of the same pics from back then. He offers no sensuality, despite advertising sensual massages. Again, my experience is echoed in other threads about him. I’d suggest avoiding.

Bumping

It might be interesting to post a link to a demographic survey for users to fill out, with some incentives for survey completion (raffling off a monetary prize or two?). I’m not sure of the value of the results of such a survey, but even without some value-added goal, I would find a demographic breakdown of site users interesting.

“Pedantic condescendence” is such an accurate description. Thank you for that wording.

I haven’t agreed with every single point raised in this thread thus far, but I do appreciate the generally thoughtful and respectful tone of what has been posted. Perhaps that tone is deterring the snark and mean-spiritedness that many of us have acknowledged as a dilemma on CoM. I especially appreciate what Mike Carey stated: Thanks, everyone, for the considerate dialogue. 👍

We’ve all seen it happen: A benign thread on this site that gets derailed by haughty and venomous users who seemingly delight in belittling and bullying others. Sometimes their comments reflect an inability, or maybe an unwillingness, to accept that others simply disagree with them. Perhaps more disturbing are the times when their spite and snark emerge with no clear provocation, leaving the rest of us to wonder whether participating on this site is worth the hassle. Either way, this mean girl dynamic — the bullying of fellow users into submission and silence — is difficult to avoid on Company of Men, and it undermines this site as a space where all of us can convene and connect. Outside of reporting such behavior to site administrators — an imperfect response that raises its own set of challenges — I see no clear path toward curbing this dynamic on CoM. (If others have suggestions, feel free to share.) I am naming it here for the benefit of others who, like me, are troubled by the mean-spiritedness of some of our fellow site members. You are not crazy; some of our peers on CoM are terribly unkind, and their petty and spiteful communication styles can make it difficult to spend time here. And sure, this is not unique to CoM. Aggressive and malicious comments from others pervade practically every online domain imaginable. But I find the mean girl dynamic on CoM particularly disheartening because of the purpose of this site. As a gay man of a certain age who is often invisible in bars and clubs catering to the gym-bodied under-40 crowd, and who engages in the type of encounters discussed on this site, I don’t have many people that I can talk to about my specific “extracurricular activities.” (I imagine this is the case for some — not all, but some — of you as well.) I was so relieved when I finally discovered this site after years of wasting time and money on unskilled providers just looking to make a quick buck. I was also incredibly grateful for the outlet (and on some days, the lifeline) this site provided during the COVID lockdown. CoM has the potential to nurture a spirit-lifting camaraderie for those of us who struggle to find it elsewhere. I wish some of us weren’t so seemingly hellbent on tearing others down. Note: I have not named any specific users in this post, as the issue at hand extends beyond any single user. I implore anyone who chooses to comment on this thread to follow suit.

I never knew about how Hogan undermined Ventura’s unionization effort. A Google search produces more sources, including an interview clip with Ventura, that corroborate the story. SMH.

Indeed, things are moving backwards, which is one of the reasons why I find myself thinking about discreet queer spaces and social practices. With so many attacks on lgbtq+ inclusion and rights, queer discretion may become important again as a survival strategy.

I’m happy to hear that things have worked out well for you. 🙂

I’ve become one of those older gay men, although I try to balance my nostalgia for how exciting (and at times liberating) those furtive queer spaces felt with how confining and dangerous they were as well. Given when and how I came of age as a gay man, I probably will always feel some distrust of mainstream straight society, which is why I wish we still had more spaces than we currently do that felt like they belonged just to us.