Gay men and aging : Finding your purpose

[marylander1940]

I think hanging out in bars is a totally nowhere thing to be doing. I went in a bar a few years ago for a meet-and-greet. I didn't even like being seen there.

 

Specially when folks now at the bars are on their phones.

[+ tassojunior]

Explanation: I don't drink or "hang out" in gay bars. I have one home bar a gay nude strip club that often has 40 nude dancers and 500 varied people. I've gone there for 30 years. I know two or three dozen regulars there, male and female of all ages, I know all the dancers and bartenders and owners well. I have dated one for 2 years, I have two long-term ex's who worked there. I go there on Friday and Saturday late nights 11-2am when a partner works.

 

I travel a lot to Europe, S. America and the US so I'm gone half the time. I own some realty so income/assets are fine and require almost no work and at my age I'm not interested in starting any new business.

 

It works for me. Being grouchy doesn't and I try to figure out how to avoid that with age.

[Rudynate]

Explanation: I don't drink or "hang out" in gay bars. I have one home bar a gay nude strip club that often has 40 nude dancers and 500 varied people. I've gone there for 30 years. I know two or three dozen regulars there, male and female of all ages, I know all the dancers and bartenders and owners well. I have dated one for 2 years, I have two long-term ex's who worked there. I go there on Friday and Saturday late nights 11-2am when a partner works.

 

I travel a lot to Europe, S. America and the US so I'm gone half the time. I own some realty so income/assets are fine and require almost no work and at my age I'm not interested in starting any new business.

 

It works for me. Being grouchy doesn't and I try to figure out how to avoid that with age.

 

You made it sound as though you did.

 

If you're grouchy, something needs to change. I get grouchy when I feel I am in a rut.

Edited May 28, 2018 by Rudynate

[+ tassojunior]

You made it sound as though you did.

 

If you're grouchy, something needs to change. I get grouchy when I feel I am in a rut.

 

My biggest problem is having to avoid friends older than me who have become incredibly grouchy with age. So much that it isn't healthy for my attitude and attempts to avoid age grouchiness of my own. With normal people I can stay fine but when I'm around caustic but dear old friends I just don't have the patience for them anymore. I have to pretty much drop many old friends. They're not going to improve and my tolerance is just going to get worse.

 

OTOH I resent it when younger friends accuse me of being a grouchy old man whenever I take a firm stand or give an honest frank appraisal of something. That's a cheap shot at someone you just disagree with who happens to be older and in my case struggling with handling negativity from older friends.

 

Maybe the young people who seem to even sleep with those huge ear-to-ear forced smiles nowadays have it right. There must be a nickname for those huge artificial 24hr smiles.

[Rudynate]

My biggest problem is having to avoid friends older than me who have become incredibly grouchy with age. So much that it isn't healthy for my attitude and attempts to avoid age grouchiness of my own. With normal people I can stay fine but when I'm around caustic but dear old friends I just don't have the patience for them anymore. I have to pretty much drop many old friends. They're not going to improve and my tolerance is just going to get worse.

 

OTOH I resent it when younger friends accuse me of being a grouchy old man whenever I take a firm stand or give an honest frank appraisal of something. That's a cheap shot at someone you just disagree with who happens to be older and in my case struggling with handling negativity from older friends.

 

Maybe the young people who seem to even sleep with those huge ear-to-ear forced smiles nowadays have it right. There must be a nickname for those huge artificial 24hr smiles.

 

 

Maybe everybody needs hormone replacement therapy. Testosterone deficiency is supposed to be one of the reasons guys get grouchy with age.

[LaffingBear]

http://dealseekingmom.com/files/2018/04/purpose-cleansing-bar-printable-coupon.png

[LookingAround]

For many of us gay life is a cruel life to age in. A few gay men age very attractively but generally, it is a very youth-oriented life. Even if you're able to stay youthful in mind, the outward appearance is what you are often judged by. Harshly.

 

Not uncommon to gay life, the real test is to stay inwardly and outwardly happy. It's all too common to get bitter and/or depressed as life begins to dim. Fading out gracefully is not easy to do. But hard as it is to do you must. Not for your popularity but for your own inner spirit. You owe it to yourself to stay as healthy as possible both physically and mentally.

 

My own thing is to keep close friends of all ages, to travel, and to keep projects going that keep me physically active. But yup, many times I get so irritated with some people I wanna rip them a new asshole. That's life.

Gee what a depressing viewpoint. “For many of us gay life is a cruel life to age in.” Shall I kill myself now or later?

 

Im in my early 60’s and very happy with s large circle of younger and older friends. Certainly not a cruel life by any stretch.

 

Good luck to you and hope you find happiness among the cruelty.

[TruthBTold]

Yeah, I've ran into high school & junior high crushes before & most look like shit now compared to how they used to look back in school. Straight men usually let themselves go once they enter their 30's or as soon as they enter marriage. It's sad, but ngl, it always leaves me feeling good about myself lol

 

Perhaps they "let themselves go" because they have found someone who loves them for something other than some ridiculous standard they eventually will not be able to meet. They may also have pursued hobbies and ways to help others that take up their time more than lifting a barbell or two. I believe that everyone should exercise, not because exercise will allow you to remain perpetually attractive to others but to remain healthy and to feel good about one self. So I would not automatically feel "sad" for them.

[+ tassojunior]

Gee what a depressing viewpoint. “For many of us gay life is a cruel life to age in.” Shall I kill myself now or later?

 

I'm in my early 60’s and very happy with s large circle of younger and older friends. Certainly not a cruel life by any stretch.

 

Good luck to you and hope you find happiness among the cruelty.

 

Congratulations on one of the grouchiest responses.

 

I think I made it clear I myself have no major problem but that friends even older, straight and gay, do and can get very difficult, and depressing, to be around. I don't want to drop those friends but also do not want to become like that. I'd say most of my older gay friends more my age maintain a certain happiness even though their lives to me would be pretty boring. Just as mine to friends much younger must seem boring. But it's handling the ones who get grouchy with age that is the trick. Keeping them close and trying to help.

[Rudynate]

Congratulations on one of the grouchiest responses.

 

I think I made it clear I myself have no major problem but that friends even older, straight and gay, do and can get very difficult, and depressing, to be around. I don't want to drop those friends but also do not want to become like that. I'd say most of my older gay friends more my age maintain a certain happiness even though their lives to me would be pretty boring. Just as mine to friends much younger must seem boring. But it's handling the ones who get grouchy with age that is the trick. Keeping them close and trying to help.

 

Sometimes alcohol can be a factor. We have a friend in his late 70s. He is someone who has always enjoyed a drink, maybe a little too much. He started hitting the martinis pretty hard and underwent a noticeable personality change. He drove off both of his housemates.

[LookingAround]

I’m kind of perplexed by the focus on problems or depressive aspects of aging. Most of the men I know who are gay and my age are quite happy and many are living in gay oriented retirement communities such as in Palm Springs, they go on Atlantis cruises, they’re living a very happy and energetic lives. I just want to continue to point that out so we don’t seem to get an a ride here talking about negative aspects win I think there are wonderful aspects of being an older gay male.

[+ tassojunior]

Sometimes alcohol can be a factor. We have a friend in his late 70s. He is someone who has always enjoyed a drink, maybe a little too much. He started hitting the martinis pretty hard and underwent a noticeable personality change. He drove off both of his housemates.

 

I've got older female and gay male friends who had to get off the sauce when they were put into hospices. That's a double whammy that seems unnecessary and cruel. I guess they morphine them up on the way out so it doesn't matter but visiting either when they're awake is no fun. One is 99 and was a friend of JFK and Jackie and she was always a brilliant conversationist. Sometimes she apologizes for being mean (she is now) but they keep her out most of the time. She's been there 2 years. The other still owns 2 gay bars here and is 84 and hasn't smiled once since being hospiced, He's rarely on painkillers and always mean now.

 

So when younger friends (rarely) call me a grouchy old man when I get mad it hits a nerve. It's like you give up your right to get mad at a certain age or be stereotyped as an old grouch. A Get Off My Lawn guy. Older gay men have at least as much as others to get mad about and I know I handle it well. I'm very nice and friendly 99% of the time. The grouchy old man stereotype sets me off. Pure vile ageism.

[bigvalboy]

I’m kind of perplexed by the focus on problems or depressive aspects of aging. Most of the men I know who are gay and my age are quite happy and many are living in gay oriented retirement communities such as in Palm Springs, they go on Atlantis cruises, they’re living a very happy and energetic lives. I just want to continue to point that out so we don’t seem to get an a ride here talking about negative aspects win I think there are wonderful aspects of being an older gay male.

 

+1

[P Gren]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201204/gay-men-and-aging-finding-your-purpose

 

Interesting take on aging and gay men. I was also wondering how straight men dealt with losing their looks. I recently ran into a high school crush of mine-he was such a stud, built, gorgeous and just oozing sex appeal. Now he was bald, fat and really unrecognizable and divorced thrice.

 

All of us face our mortality, but wonder if straight men lament the loss of looks as much as gay men? Or is it just a stereotype us gay men are obsessed with looks and truth is far more nuanced?

generally (not a rule just a tendency) women are more empathic and emotionally focussed than men. so straight men probably don't have as much judgement to deal with about their looks (viewed by women) as gay men do (viewed by other men).

[P Gren]

For many of us gay life is a cruel life to age in. A few gay men age very attractively but generally, it is a very youth-oriented life. Even if you're able to stay youthful in mind, the outward appearance is what you are often judged by. Harshly.

 

Not uncommon to gay life, the real test is to stay inwardly and outwardly happy. It's all too common to get bitter and/or depressed as life begins to dim. Fading out gracefully is not easy to do. But hard as it is to do you must. Not for your popularity but for your own inner spirit. You owe it to yourself to stay as healthy as possible both physically and mentally.

 

My own thing is to keep close friends of all ages, to travel, and to keep projects going that keep me physically active. But yup, many times I get so irritated with some people I wanna rip them a new asshole. That's life.

a great way to act on this is for older gay men to value their contemporaries for their looks and stop chasing young kids and start chasing their contemporaries. I keep thinking to my self "its a gym, its' not a time machine." this is something I struggle with to be honest. I am interested in how younger men experience current sexuality - my historicism I suppose. Talking to Victor Powers totally interests me to hear about another person's experience, but no interest in fucking him (and Victor it isn't because you aren't hot ... it's me, not you ... haha.)

[+ tassojunior]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201204/gay-men-and-aging-finding-your-purpose

 

Interesting take on aging and gay men. I was also wondering how straight men dealt with losing their looks. I recently ran into a high school crush of mine-he was such a stud, built, gorgeous and just oozing sex appeal. Now he was bald, fat and really unrecognizable and divorced thrice.

 

All of us face our mortality, but wonder if straight men lament the loss of looks as much as gay men? Or is it just a stereotype us gay men are obsessed with looks and truth is far more nuanced?

 

Is this the Onion edition of PT?

 

The author talks about how looks aren't important:

 

It is first important to begin to dismantle the idea that beauty represents goodness and worth. Nothing is wrong with lusting after a handsome man—(we are gay men after all), nor doing what you can to be one yourself, but be careful never to value the wrapping over its content. Commit yourself to look beyond the surface. You, that muscle boy on the beach as well as the guy you might call a “troll” all have feelings and a history, and we are all making our way in the world as as best we can.

 

and then posts this picture:

 

 

Clearly to show inner beauty.

[coriolis888]

 

a great way to act on this is for older gay men to value their contemporaries for their looks and stop chasing young kids and start chasing their contemporaries.

 

 

Although your comment seems gracious, your comment leaves out the critical psychological aspect of physical attraction.

 

We cannot control who we find attractive.

 

Most of us have a "type" and if we are not physically attracted to "contemporaries" it is beyond our control.

 

This is just part of being gay and human.

Edited May 30, 2018 by coriolis888

[thickornotatall]

Maybe everybody needs hormone replacement therapy. Testosterone deficiency is supposed to be one of the reasons guys get grouchy with age.

I started HRT a few years ago to help with arthritis...My testosterone levels were low..now I feel better..sleep better...have more energy and more hair on my legs

[Rudynate]

I started HRT a few years ago to help with arthritis...My testosterone levels were low..now I feel better..sleep better...have more energy and more hair on my legs

 

 

Im glad its working for you. I've been on it for nearly 15 years.

[Lookin]

I'm very nice and friendly 99% of the time. The grouchy old man stereotype sets me off. Pure vile ageism.

 

There are some folks whose opinions matter to me. And there are some folks whose opinions don't.

 

Not since I got out of junior high have I allowed myself to be labeled by someone who is unkind and judgmental. Make that unkind or judgmental.

 

Those are not folks whose opinions carry any weight. They're holding a sign that says "I'm socially backward."

 

You already know more than they do. Best to enjoy an inner chuckle, and go spend your time with folks who are caring and kind. If you'd like to know more people like that, volunteer somewhere. That's where you'll meet them.

[P Gren]

Although your comment seems gracious, your comment leaves out the critical psychological aspect of physical attraction.

 

We cannot control who we find attractive.

 

Most of us have a "type" and if we are not physically attracted to "contemporaries" it is beyond our control.

 

This is just part of being gay and human.

I was talking more about our psychology and social norms, I think you're talking about hormones.

[+ tassojunior]

I started HRT a few years ago to help with arthritis...My testosterone levels were low..now I feel better..sleep better...have more energy and more hair on my legs

 

I was just looking for something to get more hair on my legs.

[Rudynate]

I was just looking for something to get more hair on my legs.

 

Testosterone replacement can help with that.

[Kenny]

Is this the Onion edition of PT?

 

The author talks about how looks aren't important:

 

It is first important to begin to dismantle the idea that beauty represents goodness and worth. Nothing is wrong with lusting after a handsome man—(we are gay men after all), nor doing what you can to be one yourself, but be careful never to value the wrapping over its content. Commit yourself to look beyond the surface. You, that muscle boy on the beach as well as the guy you might call a “troll” all have feelings and a history, and we are all making our way in the world as as best we can.

 

and then posts this picture:

 

 

Clearly to show inner beauty.

 

Since “the author” does not in fact talk about “how looks are not important” in the graph you quote, perhaps you should look into a good therapist. Or priest. Or ophthalmologist.

[Rudynate]

I was talking more about our psychology and social norms, I think you're talking about hormones.

 

Hormones are an aspect of one's psychology