I'd have given different advice

[samhexum]

• Dear Abby: I have been with my wife, “Sandy,” for 40 years. We married as soon as it became possible for us as a gay couple. While our relationship isn’t perfect, we are deeply committed and I always assumed we shared the same values.

  Recently, one partner of a couple we know well was admitted to a care facility for advanced dementia. The other partner became involved with someone else almost immediately. I expressed to Sandy that I believe in “until death do you part,” and I was shocked to learn that Sandy not only supported the unfaithful partner, but said she believed one should get on with their life and she could actually see herself doing the same thing!

  I haven’t been able to get past this, and I now find myself questioning my confidence in our relationship. I’m torn between trying to fix all the minor issues and make our relationship perfect in the hope of holding on to her, and pulling away to avoid this future betrayal. Neither path seems right. I know we should talk, but I’m afraid it will just make things worse. What should I do? — Shattered in New York

  Dear Shattered: I think you already have an inkling of what my answer would be. What you should do is talk these uncomfortable subjects through. Because you are so threatened by what Sandy’s answers may be, do it in the office of a licensed therapist at your nearest LGBTQ Center. If you do, it may bring the two of you closer.

  Please keep in mind that none of us has a contract with God. If the shoe were to be on the other foot, and Sandy was the one with a lingering terminal illness, would she want you to rush out and find a new partner? Somehow, I doubt it. IF THERE ACTUALLY IS A GOD, I PRAY THAT SANDY DEVELOPS DEMENTIA SO YOU CAN PLAY THE DEVOTED MARTYR FOR THE REST OF YOUR LONELY SHRIVELED UP LIFE.

  Dear Abby: Last weekend, my son was married in a small church in Northern California, a perfect venue for a small wedding. The bride and groom come from large families, and in order to keep the cost down, they decided that children under 21 would be omitted from the guest list. (Example: My husband had only one friend invited to the wedding — my son’s godfather.) BE HONEST– DOES HE ACTUALLY HAVE ANY OTHER FRIENDS?

  My brother and his wife, who have three children under 21, were extremely offended that their children were not invited to accompany them. They missed the couple’s shower, didn’t show up to the wedding and offered no explanation. The morning of the rehearsal dinner, we learned the reason for their absence from my sister and her husband. Apparently, their children were extremely upset. We have tried to speak with them about the situation, with no response. Any suggestions? — Wedding Belle Blues

  Dear Blues: If your brother and his wife accepted the shower and wedding invitations and didn’t bother to show up, they were extremely rude. You did nothing wrong, and you don’t owe them an “explanation” for the fact that your son and his bride omitted their children from the guest list. Go on with your life, refuse to be intimidated and be happy for your son. KILL THE BASTARDS! (then send their estate a bill for the wasted meals)

 

[samhexum]

My new boss wants to change everything that we do and how we do it. I disagree with most of it, plus she hasn’t been here long enough to know what she is talking about. Every time I try to push back, she accuses me of not wanting to change with the times and that I have “old school” ways that won’t work. That sounds to me like an ageist comment. How should I address this?

Hmmm, I don’t love the comment that’s for sure, and I don’t blame you for wondering if it’s a reference to your age, way of thinking or both.

However, that doesn’t mean that the spirit of the statement isn’t true. It’s not uncommon for employees to get stuck in familiar ways, making them resistant to change.

New bosses also want to put their stamp on things, and the situation and state of the business dictates how quickly and aggressively they act.

Resisting everything is not the way to demonstrate that you want to be part of the team. Try showing your boss that you are open-minded and willing to change — otherwise, you may be forced to make a bigger change. YOU WERE IN THE PAPERS THIS WEEK, YOU FOSSIL:

[samhexum]

Picture this: you have a test coming up, you study, you write notes, and you know the material inside and out.

You have a study partner who just sits beside you. Come test day, instead of recalling from memory, they simply lean over and copy your answers.

That is my current dynamic at home.

My husband is not always there, but he’s not a 1950s husband; he’s there enough and is hands-on when he is.

But somehow, he still has to copy off me or annoyingly asks me what he should do before doing what needs to be done.

It’s so frustrating.

When kids are little, there’s so much they can’t do alone. They need a grown-up to fill their sippy cups. They can’t quite reach the cereal boxes in the cupboard by themselves. They need someone to put toothpaste on their toothbrush the “right” way (apparently, there’s a wrong way).

But they have to wait for their needs to be met because my husband is waiting for my instructions on what to do and how.

It’s not for a lack of intelligence. On “paper”, my husband is smarter than I am. Yet, I have to be the keeper of all things: the mental load, dietary needs, comings and goings, daily schedules, and the weather (I swear every day he asks me what the weather is or will be – and yes, he’s holding his phone in his hand).

It could be the length of the school holidays has finally gotten to me, but as a working mom with three young kids, I currently have a short fuse. His endless questions and queries have tipped me over the edge.

Husband: What does M have on his sandwich?

Me: Only vegemite, no butter.

Husband: Can they have this nutbar? WON’T THAT MAKE HIM PROJECTILE VOMIT?

Me: NO, there’s nuts. No nuts at school/camp!

Husband: What time does N have to be up?

Me: In 30 minutes (same as yesterday).

Husband: THAT’S WHEN THE BIG HAND IS ON THE…

Husband: What’s the weather tomorrow?

Me: Check your phone. I’ve never once professed to be interested in the weather. AN ESTIMATE OF WHAT THE TEMPERATURE AND ATMOSPHERIC CONDITIONS WILL BE 24 HOURS FROM NOW

I seriously said that after weeks of being asked about the weather. I have never been a weather person in my whole career but somehow I’m supposed to know the weather. JFGI – seriously.

I blurted out, “Just because you aren’t the primary parent doesn’t mean you’re my assistant. You are my co-worker, my equal.”

OK, that was to the mirror when I was alone, but I finally realised the problem once I articulated it. We are partners. There’s no hierarchy in this “organisation”.

As an assistant SEXUAL SUBMISSIVE, you rely on your superior to give instructions (a good one will want to go above and beyond, but indulge me). Meanwhile, a co-worker WANTON SLUT knows what’s needed and sees themselves. GIVES ORDERS.

Please don’t wait for my instructions. Take the initiative and know the task at hand because I’m tired of giving instructions. I have three kids, not four. I am the one in charge of the kids’ every need, simply because I’m more available during the day.

Yes, my husband works long hours, and I’m grateful to him for that. But I hate that I hold all the cards.

I have two small hands. SO DOES TRUMP

What I learned is that men aren’t mean; they are forgetful. They don’t take on the mental load like women do because they aren’t wired that way.

So here’s what I will do: write lists and laminate them so my husband has notes. After all, he loves to learn; this way, he has a reference document rather than using me as the encyclopedia.

I also have to realise that if you’re holding onto the cards so tightly, no one will take one, for fear that you will drop all of them. Another little gem: don’t expect your partner to do it the same as you – it will only lead to disappointment. Just take the win that he is doing it. CONDESCENDING BITCH!

Letting go is hard, but burnout is more problematic.

Dear husband – this is your official promotion to co-worker – welcome aboard. It’s great to have you on our team. DEAR WIFE – I WANT A DIVORCE.

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: A month ago, I reconnected with a woman, “Fran,” I have known since seventh grade. We are both divorced (I, 20 years; Fran, four years) with grown children and live 90 minutes apart. We have enjoyed hour upon hour of telephone conversations and have spent two weekends together. We have been very emotionally intimate, but not sexually, by choice, as to not distort the “purity” of our relationship.

My problem is, Fran has a large, high-energy dog that has free roam of her home (and her bed). “Goliath” travels with her virtually everywhere she goes, including when she visits me.

Goliath is good-natured and extremely fond of me, but I don’t have pets, nor do I care to have her dog jump onto the furniture and sleep with us in my bed. She thinks it’s cute, but Goliath sheds black hair ALL OVER the place, including in my bed (I have white bed linens so the contrast makes it all the more obvious).

I care deeply for Fran and will likely be in an exclusive, meaningful relationship with her for a long time. But I don’t want her dog to be a reason for anger and frustration. How do I politely “enforce” any restrictions on her beloved pet without possibly creating friction between us over Goliath “just being a dog”? — Vacuuming Again

Dear Vacuuming: The way to “politely enforce” restrictions in YOUR home is to have the conversation you were afraid to have with Fran the first time she and Goliath came to visit. TELL her that while you adore her, you are not as much of a dog person as she is, and you are not comfortable having Goliath share a bed with the two of you. (Notice I didn’t say jump on your couch, because a compromise may be necessary.)
IF GOLIATH IS A FEMALE, THIS COULD BE CONFUSING… KILL THE BITCH!
OR… LOOSEN UP, BUY SOME BLACK SHEETS, & TELL FRAN YOU ONLY ALLOW DOGS BELONGING TO WOMEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH IN YOUR BED.
(whichever course of action is easier)

[samhexum]

I caught my boss in a compromising position with someone on the staff outside of work. They both know I saw them, but neither has said anything. It makes me very uncomfortable. Should I say something to either of them? Should I go to HR? Should I let it go?

Well, this is a fine mess, but not one of your making.

It would have been easier if your boss and co-worker didn’t know you caught them. Then you could have reported it to HR or anonymously without fear of them knowing it was you.

Which doesn’t mean you still don’t report them. It just makes it more complicated for you.

I wouldn’t confront either of them directly, but whether or not you report what you discovered is a tough call. HELL no!!! In real estate they say ‘location, location, location’. You need to think ‘leverage, leverage, leverage’.

Are they having an affair or are they single and in love? Do they plan to go public? Will one of them transfer or leaving the company?

Many variables to consider before you jump into action. Is the staff member somebody who could be made to do some of your work if they are qualified? How much of a raise and extra vacation time can your boss authorize without raising suspicions? If the boss is married, how much can he pay you monthly with his own money for your silence without the wife finding out? ALL of these things should factor into your decision. You have a golden opportunity. Don’t waste it!

[+ WilliamM]

On 2/4/2024 at 10:45 AM, samhexum said:

I caught my boss in a compromising position with someone on the staff outside of work. They both know I saw them, but neither has said anything. It makes me very uncomfortable. Should I say something to either of them? Should I go to HR? Should I let it go?

Well, this is a fine mess, but not one of your making.

It would have been easier if your boss and co-worker didn’t know you caught them. Then you could have reported it to HR or anonymously without fear of them knowing it was you.

Which doesn’t mean you still don’t report them. It just makes it more complicated for you.

I wouldn’t confront either of them directly, but whether or not you report what you discovered is a tough call. HELL no!!! In real estate they say ‘location, location, location’. You need to think ‘leverage, leverage, leverage’.

Are they having an affair or are they single and in love? Do they plan to go public? Will one of them transfer or leaving the company?

Many variables to consider before you jump into action. Is the staff member somebody who could be made to do some of your work if they are qualified? How much of a raise and extra vacation time can your boss authorize without raising suspicions? If the boss is married, how much can he pay you monthly with his own money for your silence without the wife finding out? ALL of these things should factor into your decision. You have a golden opportunity. Don’t waste it!

Huge mistake  to consider blackmail. The better option:  finding a different job. 

 

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I’m a 41-year-old gay man. Although I was raised in a conservative, religious family, I’m out of the closet and proud to be living as myself. For much of my adult life, I have attracted mostly women. I have always tried to handle these situations with as much tact as possible. However, some women won’t be let down easily.

On the occasions when I have been forced to out myself to them, I have lost female acquaintances I really enjoyed spending time with or the friendship begins to deteriorate. I have tried introducing them to straight male friends and deflecting flirtatious banter. Am I confused, or do some women genuinely believe they can change my orientation? I don’t want to give up on female friendships. Am I doing something wrong by being myself? — OUT & PROUD IN THE WEST

DEAR OUT & PROUD: The women who are pursuing you for romantic purposes may be interested in you for that reason and be less interested in a platonic friendship. Years ago, a gay friend was kind enough to tell me, “You can’t ‘change’ a gay man,” and it was a lesson I never forgot. “Out” gay men can make great friends.

That your female acquaintances are not open to it is their loss. You are doing nothing wrong. When this happens, express to the person that you are disappointed they seem unable to accept you the way you are, and move on. Not all women are this unenlightened, and many will welcome what you have to offer. TRY WEARING AN ‘I LOVE JUDY, LIZA, & CHER’ T-SHIRT NEXT TIME YOU GO OUT.

DEAR ABBY: I live in Chicago, where our spring and summer months are slowly contracting into a three-month period. I know you can’t do anything about the weather, but the invitations to Saturday graduations and birthday parties are using up those long-awaited summer weekends to the point they have almost been monopolized.

Working full-time Monday through Friday, I look forward to my weekends, especially in the summer, but I keep being invited to Saturday afternoon celebrations. I own a lake house. Some neighbors have boats, and I’d love to spend the majority of our weekends there. As much as I want to celebrate these life events, I also want to enjoy my summer. If they would have them on a Sunday, it wouldn’t intrude on too much of the weekend. What is your advice? — WARM-WEATHER LOVER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WARM-WEATHER LOVER: I have good news and bad news. First, the bad news: It is unrealistic to expect schools to schedule their graduation ceremonies on a day that suits your schedule. NOBODY REALLY GIVES A DAMN WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOW UP. The good news is, if you send a nice gift to the graduate, it will assuage their pain at your absence. As to those family celebrations, you have some important decisions to make about which invitations you must accept in order to avoid causing hurt feelings. NOBODY REALLY GIVES A DAMN WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOW UP.

However, my advice is essentially the same: Send a nice gift and a warm message of congratulations along with your regrets that you are unable to participate in the happy occasion “because of a prior commitment. SIMPLE 'I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME'.

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: I’ve always been close to my children, but now that they are adults, it seems I’m losing my connection with one of them. He married a girl of a different race, and while that doesn’t bother me BECAUSE I’VE MANAGED TO AVOID MY FRIENDS FINDING OUT, I have a strong hunch she’s the reason he has distanced himself from not only me, but also the rest of the family. BECAUSE IT COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE THE HOSTILITY THAT SEEPS OUT OF MY PORES

When I recently shared with him that I felt his wife is a bit of a busybody and had overstepped some boundaries, he told me he no longer wants a relationship with me. I don’t think BEING A BUSYBODY WHO HAD OVERSTEPPED SOME BOUNDARIES WAS anything so bad that he’d totally remove himself from my or our lives, but I’m no longer going to try to force him to be a part of this family. LUCKY HIM!!!

After I blocked his wife from social media (because she doesn’t interact, but stalks and then reports back to him), he has blocked me. I’m usually good at dealing with conflict, but he’s steadily drawing further and further away. I love all my children, but he needs to realize it’s not ALL about his wife — we’re his family, too. I really need help with this one. MORE THAN YOU KNOW HONEY, MORE THAN YOU KNOW!— Adult’s Mom

Dear Adult’s Mom RACIST BITCH: Leaving your daughter-in-law and her race out of this for a moment IS A COP-OUT, the situation you have described is one that sometimes

SHOULD happens when a son gets married. When that happens, the young man’s allegiance switches from mom and family to his wife.

Your daughter-in-law reviewing your posts and discussing them with your son isn’t outrageous, particularly if he isn’t viewing them himself. Were you posting something she found hurtful or offensive? If the answer is no, you may have to accept that, for whatever reason, your son has decided to move in a different direction. If the answer is yes, offer an apology and see if it’s possible to bury the hatchet. ARE A MOTHER IN LAW FROM HELL WHOSE PERCEPTION IS WRONG.

Dear Abby: My husband of 30 years and I are in-house separated. We sleep in separate bedrooms. I want a divorce, but he refuses to leave, even though he could afford another house. Our grown son came to visit recently and was staying in our camper in our backyard. The camper is next to our swimming pool.

Last Sunday, I looked out the kitchen window and saw my husband standing in the pool naked. Our son was in the camper at the time and came out to see his father standing there. When I asked my husband why he did this, my question was met with rage and yelling that he didn’t want to get his bathing suit wet. Don’t you think this is the behavior of a depraved person? — Finished in Florida

Dear Finished: For your son to have seen his father naked in the swimming pool isn’t what is cause for concern. More alarming is that a change in his usual behavior may indicate a mental or emotional problem and calls for a medical evaluation. (He might be more open to it if your SON suggests it.)

Please consult an attorney and ask what would be involved if you were to go through with that divorce. Get those answers now, before a crisis happens. NO, I THINK IT’S THE BEHAVIOR OF A MORON TO HAVE TO WRITE TO ME TO FIGURE OUT THAT HER HUSBAND IS LOSING IT.

DEAR READERS: On this day that celebrates love, I want you to know how much I value the relationship I have with you. Wishing all of you a Happy Valentine’s Day! CONSISTENT INCOME THIS COLUMN HAD PROVIDED MY FAMILY FOR 70 YEARS — WITH LOVE, ABBY

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: For nearly three years, I have been seeing a man who later asked me to move in with him. He abruptly stopped emailing me four months ago. I waited several weeks and then emailed him, telling him how upset and hurt I was and asking what was going on. I found out — NOT from him — that he has been in a relationship with another woman for the last five years. I am furious! I am at a loss about what I should do. — Shattered in Oregon

Dear Shattered MORON: The man may have abruptly stopped communicating with you because the woman he has been involved with found out about the romance he was having with you. Have you heard from him since? (If not, she may have rendered him speechless.) It’s important you find a way to discharge some of your righteous anger. Believe it or not, physical exercise can help. Talking to friends or a therapist may also lessen the urge to explode. Learn whatever lesson there is to learn from this and move on. Do NOT let it rule your life. Everyone makes mistakes, and he was one. MARRY THE MAN, BECAUSE IF YOU’RE SO STUPID YOU HAVE TO WRITE ME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO HERE, YOU DESERVE WHATEVER HAPPENS.

.Dear Abby: What’s the best way to deal with an “overgifter”? My friend of 10 years is one, often giving gifts beyond holidays and birthdays. Every time we hang out, she gives me something, either food or small trinkets. I asked her three years ago to tone it down. Two years ago, I sent her a letter saying I value our friendship and, for me, the best gift is quality time. She stopped for a while, but six months ago, she started up again.

Abby, I throw away all her gifts. They are usually stale or expired foodstuffs or trinkets I don’t have the space to store. I’m trying to find a way to make my boundaries clear. But I don’t want to hurt her feelings in the process. — Too Much in Washington

Dear Too Much: Because your friend may have forgotten, remind her that you do not want her giving these gifts and that the most treasured gift she can give you is time with her. Explain that her continuing to do it is making you UNCOMFORTABLE. Then cross your fingers and hope that this time she gets the message. If she doesn’t, you will have to remind her yet again. ASK YOUR FRIEND IF SHE COULD PLEASE BUY YOU SOME GARBAGE BAGS TO THROW AWAY ALL THE LOVELY GIFTS SHE GIVES YOU.

Dear Abby: Without consulting me, my husband gave my father’s U.S. Army uniform to my brother complete with honor patches. My sister-in-law now wears it as a fashion statement, saying that she is a “Sullivan.” This is not sitting well with me. She is only a Sullivan by marriage.

I feel it is disgraceful to prance around in something you haven’t earned, and it’s insulting not just to my late father, but to all who have served. Her father also served, but she isn’t wearing his uniform. — Disrespected in the Midwest

Dear Disrespected: Your husband should not have given YOUR brother the uniform without first consulting you because it wasn’t his property to give. KILL THE BASTARD! What your SIL is doing with it seems less like a fashion statement and more like an example of “stolen valor,” which may be offensive to many people, particularly those who have served. KILL THE BITCH! It is not a crime by virtue of the fact that she isn’t impersonating a soldier. But it would be in better taste for her to wear her own father’s uniform rather than your dad’s. TELL YOUR BROTHER IF THE BITCH KEEPS WEARING IT, YOU’LL BE WEARING A NEW UNIFORM; A LOVELY ORANGE ONE FOR KILLING HER.

[samhexum]

FROM NOW ON, I’M JUST GOING TO USE THE ABBREVIATION ‘KTB’… you know what it means!

Dear Abby: We have grown children and a grandchild who live several states away. The problem is, we don’t enjoy visiting them. Our son’s wife has an eating disorder. She’s obsessed with what SHE is going to eat next, eats some of the strangest raw vegetable combinations we’ve ever heard of and has our grandchild following suit. The child is forbidden to eat several of the foods kids like to eat.

Our son is also part of this. He is losing weight and muscle mass, and thinks he is healthy. When we visit, and it’s been years, we have to shop for a lot of food or take everyone out to eat so WE can eat, which presents challenges because of their diet preferences.

My DIL is not a gracious host and lingers over her plate, which sometimes takes an hour after everyone else has finished eating. She’s very underweight, and I’m concerned about our grandchild, especially since they balked at a beautiful roasted turkey I made at a family gathering. (Two days later, she asked for “seconds” because others were eating it.)

How do we visit and stay with them under these circumstances? I really miss my son and grandchild during the holidays, but I can’t get my husband on board because he is so outraged about the bizarreness of the situation. Having a heart-to-heart with our son would definitely put him on the defense. — Wasting Together Time

Dear Wasting: You aren’t going to change your son or his wife, so the alternative is to accept them for who they are — which may be vegan or vegetarian. If you decide to visit them, be prepared to stay in accommodations other than their home. Take food out of the equation and eat at your hotel or rental. If you decide to host any meals, do it at a restaurant of their choosing. and tell your husband to curb his temper. Try it next time and your visit may turn out better. KTB!

Dear Abby: I am not exaggerating — my friend ALWAYS has to be number one and first. She offered to help our queen mother in the Red Hat Society hide eggs last Easter, then went to gather them all herself. She also gets mad when she doesn’t win a costume contest at the senior center and hates when someone else wins a raffle.

I won’t go into everything, but she MUST win at everything and be the center of attention. During the last Easter egg hunt, I tried to pull her away from the door so she couldn’t see, but she eventually snuck through and won the egg hunt. I don’t understand her behavior. What can I do? — Embarrassed in Texas

Dear Embarrassed: Your friend appears to have an insatiable need for attention and a willingness to cheat to achieve her goal. Nothing you can do will change her. She is who she is. What YOU can do, in order to lower your level of frustration, is refuse to engage with her at Easter, Halloween or any activity in which you know she won’t play fair. KTB!

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: I recently started planning my wedding. Half the friends I want as bridesmaids are very conservative. They think sex is sacred and should be talked about only discreetly, not joked about, mentioned on TV, etc. I used to hold similar views, but I no longer do. Neither do the other half of the girls I want as bridesmaids.

My dream bachelorette party is the kind you see in movies, a group of girls going out on the town getting tipsy — maybe being a little stupid — nothing dangerous, with sexy games/favors and casually swapping sex tips and double entendres. That may not be possible with my straight-laced friends, whom I really like and would like to include.

I pick up on others’ feelings easily, so I can’t ignore when someone around me is unhappy. I want all my girlfriends to enjoy the party, but two or three of them won’t appreciate the humor of drinking from a phallus-shaped straw. Should I split the guest list and have one prudish party and one sexy one? — Good/Bad Girl in the East

Dear Girl: That’s an excellent idea! And we all know which one you are going to enjoy. that your conservative friends are probably sexual freaks who’ve been giving head and taking it up the ass for years so they can say they’re still virgins.

Dear Abby: I recently hosted my husband’s birthday. It was a great party. I reserved for 85 people, including the DJ, his assistant, the party planner and her crew. On the day of the event, 20% of the guests who RSVP’d did not show up. One couple said their two daughters had a debut party that night. Another family said their son had an outing. Others had legitimate reasons, like being sick or the house catching fire. HOW MAGNANIMOUS OF YOU TO FIND THAT TO BE AN ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE!

I gave my guests ample time to RSVP. I sent the save-the-date cards four months before, the invitation two months before and the deadline to RSVP two weeks before the event. I even extended the invitation to allow other adults and kids to come to the party. I was too generous. I think it’s rude for the families who RSVP for a certain number of people to dismissively not show up because of another event, not considering that each head count means additional cost and planning for the meal, seating chart, etc.

How do I let them know I wish they would have told me ahead of time so I could have removed them and saved myself a few hundred dollars? Or should I even let them know? — Generous Host in Texas

Dear Host: If I thought a lecture to these boors would be effective, I would tell you to go ahead and do what you have in mind. However, a more effective and less confrontational way to save yourself a future headache would be to simply omit them from your guest list. you have that kind of money to throw away on a birthday party, quit your bitchin’ and thank your lucky stars.

Dear Carolyn: My son is a college graduate with a job as a bartender. I get embarrassed telling people what he does when they ask. Help me.

— Embarrassed

Embarrassed Proud Parent: “He’s a bartender.” Just say it, shoulders squared. Fake it till you feel it.

It’s real work, and I’m glad and grateful for everyone who’s good at it. because after answering mail from people like you everyday, I often need a stiff one… and a drink, too!

Half the people you tell will envy him, 100 percent won’t care as much as you do, the slim minority who judge him as beneath them are jerks — and anyone who stops a moment to think about it knows that a college degree isn’t (just) about getting a so-called professional job.

It is (also) about learning how to think critically and how to be part of a diverse and interesting community and how to challenge oneself. All of these are available outside the college experience, obviously — plus people can get through college successfully while achieving zero mind-expansion — but mind-expansion is in fact the commonly accepted point of an education.

Being embarrassed just tells people you don’t get this. Instead, be proud that your son did the work, and be proud that he’s finding his own way in the world.

I hope you take this reader’s thoughts to heart:

· Please rethink this attitude. I guarantee your son is picking up on it and putting unnecessary pressure on himself to “succeed” by your terms. I had parents like that, where I was instilled to believe that things such as waiting tables and bartending were beneath me, so when I graduated, I had so. much. anxiety. that I didn’t have a “real job.” Instead of doing something sensible and waiting tables or doing odd jobs until I figured it out, I ended up applying to graduate school for a master’s degree I didn’t care about and was completely unprepared for. I ended up $50,000 in debt because I grew up in a household that didn’t respect work that wasn’t a 9-to-5. Please don’t do this to your children.

I implore you not to waste this opportunity to play the victim… tell people your ungrateful son is rebelling against having a snob for a parent by doing work that makes him happy, rather than spending his life doing something that doesn’t, but allows you to brag about him. I have no doubt they will try to comfort you in your time of tragedy.

[samhexum]

 

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: During my 30s (I am now mid-70s), I did some nude modeling for several reputable photographers, which resulted in some lovely portraits. A few of them have been framed and hang on my bedroom wall.

My family members are aware of them, but they are very religious (which I am not), so I don’t know how to dispose of them. Should I try to sell them, and if so, how? Should I bequeath them to someone, or should they be left for my estate executor to deal with? What to do? — Portraits in the South

Dear Portraits: Definitely discuss this with your executor well before the need arises. If the photographers are well-known, go online and find out if there’s a market for their work. Offer the portraits for sale and see if there is any interest. You could also bequeath them to an “open-minded” relative or friend. I wish you luck. Pervert: You will surely burn in hell, but I need clear, close-up pictures before I can advise.

Dear Abby: In a response to “Ganged Up On” (Dec. 23), you stated that it is against the law to hit a child in California. It was in response to a woman whose mother-in-law spanked her grandchild. I was born in California and lived there more than 50 years, and I believe you misinterpreted the penal code.

It is not illegal to spank in California. It IS illegal to use excessive force, or to cause traumatic injury when doing it. I don’t personally believe that a child should be hit, but it is not “illegal.” In fact, corporal punishment, not abuse, is legal in every state in the U.S. — Denise E. in Nevada

Dear Denise: Mea culpa. I stand corrected. You are not the only reader I heard from after printing that answer. Thank you for straightening me out about this. FIFTY LASHES WITH A WET NOODLE SPANKINGS BY A HOT DADDY FOR ME!

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: I am a gay man who matched with another guy on a dating site two years ago this month. At first, we texted constantly. No one has ever made me feel the way he made me feel through texting alone. He displayed qualities that set him apart from anyone else I have talked to. We made a date, but he canceled at the last minute because of cold feet. He requested more time to get to know each other before meeting.

For the past two years, we have continued to message each other, though not nearly as often. He says he very much wants to meet, but says he’s intimidated by my accomplishments in life and is convinced I won’t like him. (Abby, he is more accomplished than most of the guys I date.)

I have tried desperately to convince him to meet me so we may both find out if we are a good match. In the meantime, I continue to date other guys because I want to find someone to share my life with. But I refuse to put my life on hold in a vain hope that we might someday meet.

However, my desire to meet him overshadows most of my attempts to date others. His statements that he badly wants to meet me but is afraid to do so is incredibly frustrating. Should I block him from contacting me further so I might focus on looking for someone else? Or should I keep doing what I’ve been doing? — Frustrated in Kentucky

Dear Frustrated: There may be a logical reason why this relationship has not progressed. The man with whom you are communicating may not at all be who he says he is. Because you have invested so much time and emotion in trying to meet him, offer him one more chance to meet.

Tell him that if he can’t bring himself to do that, you are ending the relationship and will block him from contacting you further. Then follow through. Consider it to be taking a giant step forward in your life. You deserve better than the teasing you have been receiving. HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO HAVE ANY ‘accomplishments in life’ BEING SO STUPID? CON ARTIST, CONVICT, QUASIMODO, (or even worse) A WOMAN… NONE OF THE POSSIBILITIES ARE GOOD.

Dear Abby: It seems that doctors’ offices have it set up to automatically send you emails and/or text messages to confirm your appointments. It is convenient, but they send them repeatedly, starting a week or two prior to the appointment. Why? It seems like overkill to me. Once should be enough, unless they feel we’re unable to remember when we have an appointment.

Before the internet, we made our next appointments, if required, at the doctor’s office upon leaving and were given a card showing date and time. That was all we got! You marked it on your calendar at home, and life went on. Abby, do you agree with my frustration? — Blunt Guy in Nevada

Dear Blunt Guy: No, I do not. Sometimes folks forget to enter that information into their calendar and the result is that the medical and dental professionals get stood up. If the reminders become annoying, you can always delete them when they pop up. I AM DELETING YOUR EMAIL BECAUSE IT IS A WASTE OF MY TIME. If this is your biggest problem, consider yourself lucky. BLUNT ABBY

Edited April 14 by samhexum
for absolutely NO @%!*ING reason at all!

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I’m a professional, well-educated adult who moved back home because of concerns about my father’s health as well as having landed a much better job. As an extra perk, I’ve been able to save money to pay toward my student loans, as well as spoil my parents a bit as they grow older.

I recently gifted my parents (for the second time) their dream vacation. They loved it the first time and never imagined they’d be able to do it twice. Because my parents still have a minor child who cannot remain alone, I am choosing, as I did last time, to use my personal vacation time to babysit. My mother has been planning the details of her upcoming trip and has now asked me to take more time off work so they can have a road trip after their vacation.

Abby, I am already draining every bit of my time off for their weeklong vacation and will not be able to have a vacation myself until later in the year when I accrue more time. I know she’s requesting this to make the trip more fun for my father. Although I am a generous and patient person, this has left me feeling almost speechless, a bit unappreciated and frustrated. Am I overreacting? Should I find a way to extend their trip? — LIMITED IN OHIO

DEAR LIMITED SUCKER: The answer to both of your questions is NO. Your mother apparently doesn’t appreciate how generous you have been in providing these vacations for her and your father IS A BITCH. If she wants to extend their holiday, she should make her own arrangements for your sibling to be supervised if she and your dad won’t be available to do it themselves. Shame on her for trying to foist that responsibility onto you. EARN THE MONEY FOR A BABYSITTER ON HER BACK OR ON ONLYFANS

[+ WilliamM]

7 hours ago, samhexum said:

DEAR ABBY: I’m a professional, well-educated adult who moved back home because of concerns about my father’s health as well as having landed a much better job. As an extra perk, I’ve been able to save money to pay toward my student loans, as well as spoil my parents a bit as they grow older.

I recently gifted my parents (for the second time) their dream vacation. They loved it the first time and never imagined they’d be able to do it twice. Because my parents still have a minor child who cannot remain alone, I am choosing, as I did last time, to use my personal vacation time to babysit. My mother has been planning the details of her upcoming trip and has now asked me to take more time off work so they can have a road trip after their vacation.

Abby, I am already draining every bit of my time off for their weeklong vacation and will not be able to have a vacation myself until later in the year when I accrue more time. I know she’s requesting this to make the trip more fun for my father. Although I am a generous and patient person, this has left me feeling almost speechless, a bit unappreciated and frustrated. Am I overreacting? Should I find a way to extend their trip? — LIMITED IN OHIO

DEAR LIMITED SUCKER: The answer to both of your questions is NO. Your mother apparently doesn’t appreciate how generous you have been in providing these vacations for her and your father IS A BITCH. If she wants to extend their holiday, she should make her own arrangements for your sibling to be supervised if she and your dad won’t be available to do it themselves. Shame on her for trying to foist that responsibility onto you. EARN THE MONEY FOR A BABYSITTER ON HER BACK OR ON

ONLYFANS

 

As usual, terrible advice.

 

Even Andy Cohen  and Anderson Cooper give better advice!

 

 

[BSR]

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In January, I had the pleasure of attending two holiday parties. Both events were potlucks, to which I gladly contributed dishes. The hosts provided beverages like water, tea and coffee. The parties were well-attended, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.

However, a few days after each gathering, I received a message from the hosts. They mentioned the amount they had spent on the party and requested a $10-$30 donation from the guests, providing their financial app details for this purpose.

This approach struck me as more akin to a fundraiser than a social gathering among friends. Is this a standard practice in modern times? Is it now customary for hosts to ask for post-event monetary contributions to cover their expenses? I want to ensure I am up to date with current social etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Putting aside the audacity of asking guests both to cater the party and to pay for their drinks, Miss Manners cannot imagine how one could even consume $10 of water, tea or coffee.

So, it would seem that guests are being charged rent for the use of the venue as well. This borders on extortion.

There is nothing wrong with an agreed-upon potluck, but that is where it stops. The act of holding a party must assume some of the responsibility for basic amenities. Even restaurants don’t charge for plain water.

OR:  In lieu of financial compensation, send both hostesses a bouquet of dead, rotting roses with a beautiful handwritten note that it's tacky as shit to grub for money after a potluck.

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: I’ve been married to my husband for 40 (long) years. Whenever I do something wrong, I get a note on the kitchen counter. This has gone on for years and years. This is the note I woke up to this morning. “Why did you leave the light on in the garage? To burn it out to see what I would do? I will do nothing except go to the garage in daylight.” He always makes it seem like I purposely do things. I’m tired of being treated like this. What is his problem? — Notes in the East

Dear Notes: I will assume you have addressed this directly with your husband. For whatever reason, he is hesitant to communicate with you face-to-face, which is why he resorts to notes on the kitchen counter. Instead of openly expressing his annoyance, he expresses it indirectly, which is the definition of passive-aggression. The next time it happens, call him on it — and confront him directly. HE IS AN ASSHOLE WHO IS MARRIED TO AN IDIOT WHO HAS BEEN A DOORMAT FOR 40 (LONG) YEARS

Dear Abby: My husband and I live in a lovely older neighborhood and have enjoyed wonderful neighbors over many years. The homes are close together with windows often left open in spring, summer and fall, as large shade trees keep our homes cool.

A couple of years ago, our longtime next-door neighbors moved, and a new neighbor, a single woman, moved in. She was quiet, and we would occasionally visit in the yard. Well, over the last few months, a “problem” has developed. This neighbor has a new male friend who is there much of the time. Since the new friend’s arrival, loud moaning sounds frequently emanate from her home.

It quickly went from a bit funny to shocking to annoying. It’s unbelievable how loud and prolonged the moaning sounds are, the “Oh, Gods,” the slapping and spanking sounds, not to mention the frequent back-to-back sessions.

Other neighbors hear it and have commented, so it’s not just we who are offended. One neighbor thought someone was in distress and almost called the police until another neighbor told her what it was. It has awakened us and kept us up at night. Also of concern is that there are small children among our nearest neighbors.

Abby, is there anything you can suggest I do so our neighbor keeps her private business private without embarrassing or offending her? I would sure like to put an end to the auditory assault. — Kept Awake in Ohio

Dear Kept Awake JEALOUS: Approach your neighbor privately and inform her that the sounds of her lovemaking are creating a disturbance not only for you, but also for the other neighbors. Tell her that one of them nearly called the cops, but someone was able to stop the person. Then suggest that when she entertains her gentleman caller, they close the windows, because not only are people scandalized, but there are children who can hear what’s going on. Then cross your fingers. If the noise isn’t abated, RECORD THEM FOR A FEW DAYS, THEN DO inform the authorities AND RECORD THEIR VISIT, THEN SEND THE WHOLE THING TO AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS.

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is 18 years younger than I am. Our relationship hasn’t been perfect, but I love him to death. Unfortunately, I’m going through menopause and have all the side effects. Long story short, he found another girl. It was just supposed to be for sex, and he told me he wouldn’t get into another relationship or marry anyone but me. Well, he fell for her, which I warned him he was going to do.

They are both at my apartment. I’m trying to make him happy by allowing this, but he can be so mean to me, and he’s so nice to her. He tells me how nice she is, etc. I told him it’s because he hasn’t hurt her yet. He won’t have sex with me now. He claims he isn’t favoring her, but he is.

I love him so much, and don’t want to lose him. I’m in so much pain because I can’t please him in every way. I don’t know what to do. Should I allow this and try to make it work, or should I give up since it seems like he has given up on me? — CAN’T STOP CRYING

DEAR CAN’T STOP MRS. ROBINSON IDIOT: Let me get this straight. Your much younger boyfriend and his new girlfriend live in your apartment (rent-free), and he no longer makes love with you. What are you getting out of this charade besides pain?

If I thought it would help, I’d advise you to stick it out and hope his romance will blow over. But I can’t — because whatever respect and gratitude he felt for you is gone. The pain you are experiencing will end only when you find your self-respect SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN and usher the two lovebirds out the door. For your own sake, please do it soon.

DEAR ABBY: I am SUPER outgoing ANNOYING! Always have been. I can walk up to anyone and start a conversation EVEN AS THEY TRY TO RUN AWAY FROM ME. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that many people have no personality. UNLIKE YOU, CONDESCENDING BITCH? During the pandemic it became exponentially worse. Neighbors don’t speak. People look at their phones every waking minute and have lost their conversational skills. It is pathetic A WAY TO AVOID MAKING CONTACT WITH A CONDESCENDING BITCH.

I don’t know people’s backgrounds or interests just by looking at them. I’m smart, but I’m not telepathic. If people don’t know how to simply say “hi” or “good morning,” something is wrong! COVID shut things down. But if you weren’t friendly before the pandemic, how are you going to be five years from now? Humanity is doomed if we don’t interact. — FRIENDLY IN THE EAST

DEAR FRIENDLY: The COVID disruption may have contributed to what you are describing, but it had been building for at least the past 20 years. As people became more and more fixated on their electronic devices, the ability to look someone in the eye and converse withered.

If you don’t look someone in the eye and communicate in person, the ability to read social cues withers and is eventually lost. I believe this has caused much of the isolation and loneliness we are experiencing in our society. If we are going to fix this, people will have to teach themselves to unplug and reach out to the people around them. Making the time to exchange social amenities as simple as smiling and saying, “Good morning,” is an easy place to start. I’M GUESSING YOU NEVER GET INVITED TO PARTIES A SECOND TIME.