I'd have given different advice

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been living with someone for four years. When we started living together, his son “Byron” was incarcerated. Byron is 33 and has been in trouble since he was 15. His dad keeps bailing him out. I used two of my credit cards to help raise the $11,000 bail to get him out of jail. In exchange, Byron agreed to put on a new roof for us and help around the house.

Byron has completed none of the tasks that were asked of him, and his dad keeps helping him anyway. We had to pay Byron’s rent at the rehab so he wouldn’t be kicked out. This has created a rift between me and my boyfriend, who thinks I’m being selfish and greedy.

Am I wrong for no longer wanting to help financially? We got along great until this happened. — DOING TIME, TOO, IN ALABAMA

DEAR DOING TIME IDIOT: Byron is the person he is because his father has enabled him since he was a child. You are neither selfish nor greedy for refusing to give more money. Forgive me if this seems harsh, but unless you want to continue to be emotionally blackmailed by your boyfriend, get out now before you are drained financially. WAS IT YOUR CHILDHOOD DREAM TO BECOME A DOORMAT? IF SO, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED!

DEAR ABBY: I have no problem driving at night, but I prefer to stay home rather than go out. Truth be told, I don’t like to be out after 4 or 5 p.m. Yes, I miss a lot of social activities, but I don’t mind.

The problem is friends and acquaintances who, when they find out I’m not going out at night, instantly offer to pick me up because they are kind and gracious. No matter how many times I explain that it’s not the driving, it’s that I prefer not to be out at night, it falls on deaf ears.

I know I’m lucky to have sweet friends who volunteer to drive me, but I’m tired of explaining myself. Because I don’t want to insult anyone, can you suggest a polite way to turn these folks down? Nothing I’ve said so far has worked, including saying, “It’s not the driving. I don’t go out at night.” — HOMEBODY IN FLORIDA

DEAR HOMEBODY: Perhaps you should state your message a little more emphatically by saying, “I don’t think you understand. It’s not the driving, it’s that I am uncomfortable going out after dark. Please don’t ask me again because my answer isn’t going to change AND I WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE IF YOU DO".

DEAR ABBY: My wife’s family has a history of breast cancer. She has had several MRIs and biopsies, which have caused a great deal of discomfort and stress. She is now going in for a lumpectomy. I’m beginning to think it may be better to have her breasts removed. I didn’t marry her boobs; I married the woman behind them. What do you think? — PROACTIVE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR PROACTIVE: I’m sure you love her, but I think you should support your wife emotionally and let this decision be something that’s decided between her and her doctors. KEEP YOUR #&@*ING MOUTH SHUT.

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 16 years, together for 22. He’s the love of my life, my sunshine and roses. He’s a great husband and an even better father.

You are probably wondering why on earth I’m writing to you. Well, his teeth are disgusting. They are stained, chipped and just gross. He is overcoming some self-esteem issues regarding his weight. He has lost a good bit, and I’m super proud of him, but how do I say, “Great job! But there’s still something wrong with you”?

For the record, his weight means nothing to me. I never pushed him to be “slim” or “buff,” but rather to be healthy and have enough stamina to keep up with our kids and get off the CPAP machine. Money and the dental expenses aren’t an issue, but he would rather spend extra money doing fun things as a family, making memories and having adventures, which is great. I just wish he could have a nice smile while doing it. Advice? — NOT QUITE PERFECT IN OHIO

DEAR NOT QUITE: Because your husband’s teeth are a turn-off, you are going to have to address the problem. Wait until he is at or near his goal weight, then tell him that although you adore him, you would find him more kissable if he would deal with his dental issue. Tell him that putting it off may make the problem more difficult to fix. Your family dentist may be able to help or refer him to a good cosmetic dentist. WITHHOLD SEX UNTIL YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT… OR BUY A GUN…

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. For a long time, I didn’t decorate our house because I didn’t want to spend the money. But for the last few years, I’ve spent many hours poring over Pinterest. I LOVE interior decorating and know exactly how I want each room of the house to look.

The problem is my husband. I once tried to buy a new shower curtain. It was a huge debacle because he didn’t like the one I’d chosen. Abby, I have done my homework. How do I convince my husband to give me free rein in decorating? I’m afraid every paint color and every piece of furniture is going to be an argument, and I’m so discouraged I don’t even try.

We’ve had the same curtains, bedding and dining room table for years, and our house is very ugly. Should I just start making changes without consulting him? Should I sit him down and talk to him? Is it fair of me to not take his preferences into account? — FRUSTRATED CREATIVE

DEAR FRUSTRATED: By all means, discuss this with your husband before making any changes. Under no circumstances should you make any without consulting him. It would be extremely unfair to ignore his opinion. Some compromises will have to be made. The least contentious way to accomplish this would be with the help of a professional decorator who can take both your preferences into account and help you to blend them. TO WITHHOLD SEX UNTIL YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT… OR BUY A GUN…

Dear Abby: How do I handle an elderly aunt who has a gambling problem? I live in a town with casinos. She lives in another state four hours away. She calls me often to ask to stay with me, and if I am traveling, she asks to use my house, etc.

A year ago, she called me to help her get excluded from gambling in the state where she lives because she was out of control. She can no longer gamble where she lives, cannot afford a hotel to go to towns with a casino and sees me as her gambling getaway.

I have explained that I have a roommate, and my place is small. I have no interest in someone who spends hours at a craps table coming into my home (I’m health conscious), and I flat out cannot accommodate her as a guest. She won’t give up! Is my only option to end communication with her?

— Not Betting on Her

Dear Not Betting: Screening her calls is one option. The other is to keep repeating your mantra that you cannot accommodate her because you have a roommate and your place is too small. Then encourage her to find another hobby. If you do, she may stop asking you and look for another enabler. YES, DUMB ASS!

Dear Abby: I’m in middle school and part of a large friend group. I have one friend, “Kaleigh,” who completely changed last year because of the influence of another girl. Kaleigh started saying inappropriate things and talking only about boys. She never did that before she became “best friends” with the other girl. It has ruined both of their reputations.

I can’t decide if I should confront them and, if I did, what to say. I don’t want either of them to be mad at me. We have had arguments before, and it ends up bad for the group when anyone gets into an argument with them. They also frequently get into arguments with each other, and somehow the whole group gets involved.

This has been going on for a year, and it has put a strain on the group. I don’t know if I can handle more of this. I am not sure they will be easy to reason with if I confront them. What should I do?

— More Drama in Tennessee

Dear More Drama: You stated that you are part of a large friend group. You can’t “save” or change Kaleigh, and telling her she is ruining her reputation may come across as jealousy. Rather than confront them, start concentrating on friendships with other girls in the group. One thing I have realized over the years is you can never have enough friends. BUY A GUN…

Dear Abby: I have had a falling out with my sister over her 13-year-old son, my nephew. He is generally a happy child, with everything a boy could want in moderation. My sister is separated from his father. She has primary custody, but they do have a co-parenting relationship.

My nephew respects and obeys his father, but he treats my sister like crap. He yells at her and his grandmother, constantly talks back, etc. When he tried it on me, I put him in his place with some choice words. My sister took offense, and we argued over it. I think he needs clear consequences for disrespecting adults. Instead, my sister makes excuses for why he behaves this way — “He didn’t sleep well last night. He’s upset about X-Y-Z,” etc.

I know I’m armchair parenting, but I cannot stand to see this child yell at my sister or elderly mother, and I will not tolerate that behavior toward me. We end up arguing every time I try to talk to her about it. I have stopped spending time with them because of it. Advice, please.

— Old-School Auntie

Dear Auntie: Your nephew may act out because he is entering his turbulent teens, and this is a phase. It could also be that his mother has yet to make him suffer the consequences for his disrespectful behavior toward you and his grandmother.

Since your sister and her ex are co-parenting, they should BOTH be talking to their son about “respect.” His grandmother also has a tongue, and she shouldn’t tolerate her grandson’s bad behavior, either. Personally, I would handle it by avoiding the kid until he straightens up, which may take forever. BUY A GUN…

Dear Abby: A dear friend of 12 years recently lost her beloved dog (who she called her third child) to old age. She chose to put the dog down because of health problems and has been racked with guilt ever since.

I lost my 19-year-old son 10 years ago to suicide. This has been the worst decade of my life, and I grieve for him every day. My friend has been equating the death of her pet to the death of my son, which has caused a major rift in our relationship. It is not only insulting but also beyond hurtful to me to hear that the passing of a pet is as painful and tragic as the loss of my son.

I have told her time and time again there is no comparing the loss of a human child to the loss of a canine “child,” yet she continues to disagree. How should I deal with her and this situation? Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

— Grieving Mom in the South

Dear Grieving Mom: I will cut your friend some slack because she’s in pain right now, but she’s deluded. The pain of sending a beloved pet across the Rainbow Bridge and that of losing a child are not comparable, and for her to have said it — not only once but to harp on it — is ridiculous. The best way to deal with this woman would be to distance yourself until she regains some perspective. BUY A GUN…

Dear Readers: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and no Thanksgiving would be complete without sharing the traditional prayer penned by my dear late mother:

Oh, Heavenly Father,

We thank Thee for food and remember the hungry. that we ignored at the traffic light.

We thank Thee for health and remember the sick. that we forget about every other day of the year.

We thank Thee for friends and remember the friendless. that we ignore when we celebrate with you without even calling them.

We thank Thee for freedom and remember the enslaved. that we ignore when we celebrate with you while they clean up your kitchen before you lock them in their closets in the basement for the night.

May these remembrances stir us to service. that we forget about even before we pig out on dessert.

That Thy gifts to us may be used for others. because they were cheap, tacky pieces of crap that would devalue our home.

Amen. was a mediocre sitcom.

Have a happy and safe celebration, everyone! BUT DON’T COME BITCHING TO ME ABOUT IT IF YOU DON’T!!!

— Love, Abby

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I was recently invited for a long weekend at my friend’s new home in South Carolina.

She has wanted me to come there to visit ever since she purchased it. I offered to come down, but then I sprained my ankle, and it still has not healed.

My friend then told me her daughter and son-in-law will be there with their two young children. She said we can babysit her grandchildren while I’m there when her daughter and son-in-law go out.

I told her I don’t want to go down there to babysit. I have no children and do not enjoy babysitting.

She used to do this to me before she moved. Now she’s upset that I won’t help her. What should I do? — NOT INTERESTED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR NOT INTERESTED: What you do is this: Repeat to IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, SNEAK DOWN TO THE HOME OF your manipulative friend that your ankle is still healing, it is difficult to get around and you are unable to chase after young children.

Tell her that when you are better you would love to see her place and visit one on one. Then stick to your guns. AND BURN IT TO THE GROUND.

DEAR ABBY: I am a male singer and guitarist who has been playing in small local venues most of my life. My new duo partner is a nice person and decent multi-instrumentalist.

The problem is that he cannot — and should not — sing, though he believes he is a fine vocalist.

His new girlfriend recently confided to me that she feels he shouldn’t sing because it is damaging to our joint reputation and to my own as a musician. She doesn’t know how to tell him or whether she should.

I don’t know how to tell him either without risking our partnership, although at this point, any gigs we acquire will be one-offs because of the poor vocal performance that will result.

Over the years, I have failed auditions and learned from constructive criticism. Should I tell him or try to dissolve our duo gently? — OLD CANADIAN ROCKER

DEAR ROCKER: Your relationship with this partner isn’t social; it is business. He is in denial about his limited abilities.

Bursting his bubble by enlightening him that his singing is holding you back will not endear you to him.

It would be best to dissolve the partnership KILL THE BASTARD as kindly as you can and find a replacement.

DEAR ABBY: My parents are starting to get older and have a number of health issues. I am one of three children now in our 40s.

My parents got an attorney to write their will and have cut one child out completely. They decided to give another child two-thirds of their estate while leaving me with only one-third.

They claim the reason is that my sister will be responsible for their health when and if they get to that point.

We aren’t talking about lots of money, but I don’t know what I should do. — NOT THE FAVORITE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR NOT THE FAVORITE GREEDY, SPOILED TWAT: What you should do is accept your parents’ reasoning, as well as their generosity, and not argue about it. Be grateful, because doing otherwise will get you nowhere. KILL YOURSELF AND MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: My husband and I have a beautiful soon-to-be 2- year-old daughter. Before her birth, my parents and his all were eagerly awaiting her arrival and discussing their plans for what life as new grandparents would be. We just “knew” they would be involved so much it would drive us crazy. Instead, it’s the opposite!

My parents work 40-plus hours a week and care for my 5-year-old half-brother, who was recently diagnosed with autism. Naturally, I have to cut them some slack. HOW NOBLE OF YOU! His parents, on the other hand, aren’t workaholics. They spend their time doing things like spending a couple of weeks on the lake, taking scuba lessons and participating in a quilting club. They tell us about their fun, then ask how our daughter is. (They haven’t seen her in weeks.)

I know the role of a grandparent has changed. They are getting a taste of freedom from raising children. However, they are not free child care to me. They are my FAMILY, and I wanted to see all those plans they had for her before she was born realized.

I am writing this because my parents have just announced they won’t be able to get off work for her birthday party. They knew it was coming, and I know it was possible for them to plan a work around for the party. I’m heartbroken. AND STUPID AND INSENSITIVE

I feel like we are raising our daughter all alone, with no help from family. I’m angry that they are missing out on this wonderful little person and consider other things more important than their grandchild. Am I holding too high a standard for them? YES! Is it wrong that I’m miffed at this? YES!

— Alone in Illinois

Dear Alone: Feelings are neither right nor wrong. I won’t judge you for having them. But YOURS ARE STUPID AND INSENSITIVE, SO ask yourself whether your anger is useful or a detriment to your relationship with your parents and in-laws. Your parents are caring for a child with disabilities, in addition to their full-time jobs. Resenting them for not attending a 2-year-old’s birthday party is a waste of your energy. STUPID AND OVERLY SENSITIVE.

Your in-laws, regardless of what they said during your pregnancy, appear to be more centered on themselves than on their grandchild. TOTALLY UNCARING ASSWIPES. Regrettable? Yes. But rather than dwell on it, accept it for what it is and move on. KILL THEM AFTER FIRST MAKING SURE YOU & SONNY BOY INHERIT EVERYTHING.

Dear Abby: My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He made a resolution to go on a diet and cut out sweets. However, I have noticed that my chocolates have been going missing. We live alone, and I’m not sure whether to call him out to help keep him accountable or remain quiet in order to keep the peace.

— Well-meaning Wife

Dear Wife: OK, so your husband took the pledge and seems to have lapsed. My question is, is he still losing weight, or has he hit a plateau? If he’s losing — albeit more slowly, look the other way. If he isn’t, then “casually” comment (with a smile) that your chocolates seem to be disappearing faster than you can consume them, but do NOT assume the role of the food LACE THE CHOCOLATES WITH RAT POISON THEN SPEND YOUR LIFE ON THE RUN FROM THE police BUT HAVING ALL YOUR CHOCOLATES FOR YOURSELF.

Edited December 3, 2024 by samhexum
for absolutely NO @%!*ING reason at all!

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old woman who has struggled with self-esteem and personal relationships my entire life. My fiance and I have talked in depth about past trauma, but it wasn’t until within the past year that I’ve realized how much of an impact my mother had on those aspects of my life.

From as far back as I can remember, she always told me that from the moment I was born, she had a hard time connecting with me, and I wasn’t loving toward her. How could that have possibly been something I caused? I suspect she may have had postpartum issues, and she is now a fully diagnosed bipolar individual.

I watch her have functional relationships with lots of other people, but still, to this day, we have almost no connection. I feel guilty about the state of our relationship but worse when I witness the way she treats others compared to me. Am I a terrible daughter? — DISCONNECTED IN OHIO

DEAR DISCONNECTED: If what your mother said is true, remember that for the most part, children react lovingly toward people who are loving to them. You are not responsible for your mother’s diagnosed mental illness, which may be why she had so much trouble relating to you. You are not a terrible daughter. YOU’RE JUST AN IDIOT FOR NOT REALIZING THIS ON YOUR OWN YEARS AGO If you have any doubts about what I have written, please consult a licensed mental health professional who can help you understand that you have nothing to feel guilty about.FUCK YOU! GO TO HELL! EAT SHIT AND DIE!

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will soon celebrate our 11th anniversary. Together since we were 19, we’re now in our mid-30s with two children.

Abby, I can’t seem to shake the feeling my husband is cheating on me. For the past two years all he wants is sex, on his time. If he doesn’t get it within his “timeline,” he gets angry and has an attitude. If he doesn’t get it at all that day, I’ll hear about it for days afterward.

I love my husband with all my heart, but he is not a great dad. It kills me to see him brush the kids off when they are so excited to see him, hug him and play. But my husband doesn’t play with them, doesn’t snuggle with them on random days off or lounge around with them. I get jealous seeing dads playing with their kids and just being goofy for hours.

He works all the time and worries about his work calls. All my life I wanted a husband who would be a great dad. What I’m trying to ask is, if he isn’t into our kids, is always stressed, isn’t playful in a non-sexual way with me anymore and only wants sex, is he seeing someone else to fulfill his needs? — HEARTBROKEN WIFE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR WIFE: There are plenty of issues in your marriage that need working on, but I doubt that a man who often wants sex with his wife is cheating. You stated that he doesn’t relate well to the children and is always stressed. Once you understand the reasons, things may improve. Marriage counseling might help you achieve that.NO, YOU MORON! HE JUST HATES HIS LIFE AND IS MISERABLY UNHAPPY.

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I was born deaf in my right ear. No matter how many times I remind the people I am closest to, they still seem to get annoyed with me because I ask them to repeat what they say. It is especially hard for me when their backs are turned to me. Any suggestions on how to curb my anger? Yes, it does upset me because of my hearing challenge. — HEARING AS BEST AS I CAN

DEAR HEARING: Curb your anger by POISONING THE ASSHOLES YOU FIND YOURSELF continuing to remind people they need to talk into your “good” ear and, when you are seated, be sure the people you are interested in conversing with are sitting to your left. If you do, it may be less stressful for all of you MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married less than a year, and I’m pregnant with my first child. Our baby was planned, and we were thrilled.

Something changed with my husband once I hit the second trimester. If I read something about pregnancy and try to share it with him, he instantly shuts me down, saying I shouldn’t believe everything I read or that I’m wasting my time. THE SOUND OF MY VOICE MAKES HIM WISH HIS HEAD WOULD EXPLODE. He doesn’t want to set up anything in the nursery, either. He keeps saying we don’t need to do it until a month before the baby is due. HE’S USUALLY POURING BABY OIL ON THE STAIRS AS HE SAYS IT. DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS ANYTHING?

I’m trying to be patient and understanding, but friends have now taken a step back from talking to me and I’m feeling very isolated. I’M SURE IT’S JUST YOUR PREGNANCY GAS.
The other night, my husband put me down at dinner with friends. One of them said being pregnant was the most selfish thing a woman could do, and my husband agreed! I am still hurt by the comment. I’M SURE IT’S JUST THAT HE’S A CLOSET ECOTERRORIST RANTING ABOUT OVERPOPULATION. While the person apologized for saying it and further explained their position on the subject (everyone had been drinking, except me), my husband hasn’t apologized. He refuses and says I’m idiotic for being so upset about it. I’M SURE IT’S JUST THAT HE’S GRASPING FOR EXPLANATIONS OF YOUR IDIOCY.

I am at a loss here. We planned for this baby, and I thought it would bring us even closer. Now I feel incredibly alone and sad. Why would anyone say something so cruel, and why would my husband agree instead of being on my side? — EXPECTING MORE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR EXPECTING: Pregnancy is an exciting and challenging experience for all concerned, and your emotions may be heightened. Although your husband was initially enthusiastic about the idea of starting a family right away, it’s possible that during this second trimester he recognized the reality of the responsibilities that come with parenthood. It is also possible FACT that, because of your excitement about your pregnancy, it has become your main topic of conversation, which may be why your friends have stepped back. ALTHOUGH, AGAIN, I’M SURE IT’S JUST YOUR PREGNANCY GAS.

The remark that was made the evening the two of you were with friends was likely fueled by too much alcohol and not enough good judgment. Your husband may have agreed because he feels jealous that your body has been “co-opted” by the baby. Not knowing him, I can’t guess at why he continues to refuse to apologize for it. LIKE THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE MAKES HIM WISH HIS HEAD WOULD EXPLODE.

It seems to me you would feel less isolated if you found an older, more experienced female friend or relative to guide you through this challenging period. Also, keep up with your medical appointments to make sure everything is progressing normally. AN EXPLORATION OF LESBIANISM.

 

[samhexum]

A discarded slice of birthday cake has unexpectedly sparked outrage among a group of friends.

In a post on Reddit’s “Am I the A——” forum, a 41-year-old man explained that a “weird” conflict escalated after he accepted a slice of coconut cake a woman named, Amy, 30, baked for the birthday boy’s party.

“After the relevant party traditions of singing the birthday song, and the hip-hip-hooraying that happens after the birthday song here in Australia, I went back to talking to one of my friends when Amy came up to me and the other friend with 2 plates of cake and offered them to my friend and I,” he wrote.

“We both said ‘yes,’ thanked her, and then she made a really odd face and walked away,” he continued. “My friend and I both said it was weird, and went back to chatting. I ate some of the cake and it had desiccated coconut inside it, which I don’t particularly like, so after a couple of bites, I ignored it and then chucked it out when the party ended about an hour or so later.”

The next morning, the man paid the price for trashing the coconut slice when he woke up to a series of angry texts from Amy’s partner, Steven, 30.

He was told that Amy had spent the entire night crying and complaining about not having had the opportunity to taste the cake that she baked.

Having only cut eight slices because she knew the man doesn’t eat coconut, Amy felt that it was spiteful that he took a slice of cake just to later throw it away.

“I replied, ‘Why did she even offer me any cake if she knew there was coconut inside?'” the man wrote.

“Steven said that she did it to be polite and not leave me out and that I was an a—— for taking her slice and throwing it away,” he said.

Related: Man Refuses to Share Certain Snacks with His Wife — Causing Tension in Their Marriage: ‘I Designate Food as Mine’

The man confessed to feeling uneasy after the heated exchange as other people who had attended the party were also giving him the cold shoulder.

“I forwarded the message to my other friends that were there, and most of them have left me on read so far, except one who responded with a thumbs down emoji, and another who hasn’t seen it yet (as of this writing),” the man said. “The fact that no one’s responding to me is making me worry that I might have been the a—— here.”

Redditors replied in the comment section saying it would have been rude for him to decline the cake.

“What a bizarre situation. You cut enough cake for everyone there (including yourself), and don’t hand cake to people if you’re relying on them turning it down so you can eat it yourself. You did the right thing by accepting it, it would have been more rude to decline,” one user wrote.

The man responded to the user’s comment saying, “I mean, she expected me to decline, so was there just no winning here?”

Another user responded, “Then she would have cried that you refused the cake. She sounds like a drama queen. If your friends think you are the AH here, they aren’t friends. You did nothing wrong. If she knows you don’t like coconut, then she should have told you it had coconut in it.”

BAKE HER AN “I’M SORRY” CAKE WITH “SPECIAL” ALMOND FLAVORING…

 

DEAR ABBY: My husband took me on a trip for my birthday this year, only he didn’t prepare for anything other than some sightseeing events. He didn’t help plan for camping, didn’t financially plan well for souvenirs or if we wanted to eat out, and had a crappy attitude the entire time.

We got into an argument at almost every event we went to because he either disagreed with my preferences or pushed back at my calling him out for pouting.

I’m upset because this was supposed to have been a “makeup” trip from him for ruining my birthday years prior, and for pretty awful fights we were having leading up to my birthday. I had tried to back out, but he convinced me to go.

My actual birthday was the day after we got home. He ignored me the entire day, and we got into another argument. We had a few friends over, but overall, I was pretty upset and felt unloved by him. 

When I addressed it the next day, he told me no one should get a “birthday week” and called me ungrateful and unappreciative of his efforts. Am I wrong for being upset? This was supposed to be his birthday gift to me, but it felt more like I took him on a trip he didn’t even want to be on. –– BIRTHDAY GIRL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR GIRL: It is possible your expectations surrounding your birthdays may be, in your husband’s opinion, grandiose. Have you two been arguing about more subjects than birthday celebrations, and if so, for how long.

speaking safely from the sidelines in order to avoid the crossfire, I suggest you ask your doctor (or health insurance company) to recommend some licensed marriage and family counselors.

WHY ARE THE TWO OF YOU STILL TOGETHER? YOU’RE A TRANSACTIONAL BITCH WHO’LL NEVER BE SATISFIED WITH HIM AND HE’S A THOUGHTLESS OAF WHO CAN DO BETTER THAN YOU.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my daughter-in-law. I know she loves me, but I don’t think she likes me. An example: Yesterday, I met her and my son at my granddaughter’s dance recital. When I entered and sat down next to them, she barely looked up from her phone, yet when another mother arrived, she leapt up and chatted for minutes. 

This kind of thing happens often. When we are alone together, she chats with me, but if someone else is in the group, it’s like I’m not even there. I have no other complaints about her. She is a terrific mom and partner to my son. Should I talk to her about this? How do I bring it up without making her defensive? — IGNORED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IGNORED: I don’t doubt that your daughter-in-law loves you. However, she may be so comfortable around you that she’s treating you like family … in other words, taking you for granted. She jumps up when she sees her contemporaries because she doesn’t see them as often as she sees you, and they may have fresh news to talk about WHILE YOU ARE DULL AS DISHWATER. Be grateful that when you are alone you communicate well EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE DULL AS DISHWATER. I don’t think there is anything positive to be gained by approaching her with this.

 

DEAR ABBY: I think the world of “Celia,” my best friend of 25 years. She has been there for me through many major ups and downs in my life. She is beautiful inside and out, well-educated and works hard.

Celia has been in a five-year relationship with an old friend I’ll call “Vince.” I think he is a nice guy, but not for her. He has no desire to do better in life, doesn’t provide for her and lives off her money. Vince barely works, and his time is spent out and about enjoying himself while Celia works two, sometimes three, jobs.

Now Celia’s physical health is suffering, and so is her mental health. Vince has a kid who sometimes stays over, and when they run out of money, Celia asks me to help cover them. She sees nothing wrong in this and wants to have a child of her own with him.

I have had many talks with Celia, but they go nowhere. I’ve helped with money a few times and she always pays me back. But recently, after she asked me for money for food for the three of them, I learned they went to the movies instead. Now I feel used. This is just not OK. I no longer want to give her money to cover a grown man’s responsibility. I’m not sure how to tell her I can no longer help out with money. — STRAINED FRIENDSHIP

DEAR STRAINED: Celia may be well-educated, but it appears she IS A MORON WHO has serious self-esteem issues, little common sense and a parasite for a boyfriend. That she would consider having a child with Vince, a man who can’t support himself or the child he already has, is coconuts! Tell your beautiful friend that while you care for her, SHE IS A MORON WHO you will no longer subsidize the three of them, and using your money to pay for movie tickets was the last straw. Then don’t relent AND FIND A FRIEND WHO ISN’T A MORON.

DEAR ABBY: I taught tennis lessons at a private club for 41 years. Then came the pandemic. I was furloughed and not asked to return to work. I wasn’t given the usual parting acknowledgement that previous employees received — no goodbyes, no thank yous.

In the successive years, I have asked for a free membership as a gift for my years of service. So far, the answer is “no.” Is my request valid? Should I continue asking? SURE, IF YOU WANT TO PROVE YOU’RE A MORON LIKE CELIA— SERVING FAIRNESS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SERVING: You didn’t mention how many times you have asked for the membership as a gift for your years of service, but if it has been more than once, stop asking because it isn’t going to happen. A furlough is defined as a temporary layoff for a specified period of time. Employees retain their jobs and benefits but do not get paid during that period. If this is what your separation from that private club was called, it may be time to speak to an attorney about how you were treated FIND OUT THE HOME ADDRESSES OF THE CLUB MANAGEMENT AND MEMBERSHIP COMMITEE AND…

 

Dear Abby: My spouse and I (both women) have been together for 25 years. For half of them, we lived in the Middle East. We met while working as health care expatriates. My spouse is from South Africa and was raised very differently than I was.

When we finally returned to the U.S., we bought a house in a southern state where two of my brothers live. Over time, my spouse let me know she didn’t want them to stay in our house when they came to visit. She preferred they stay in a hotel. She said she was disgusted that they might not shower before bed, and that our cats would be disturbed by their presence. I told her I thought her comments were rude, and I reminded her that sheets are always washed after visitors leave.

This has caused a lot of conflict in our relationship, and I’m not sure I can go on alienating and hurting my family by not welcoming them in my home. I love my spouse, but I love my family and friends too, and I want them to feel welcome. I am torn about what to do. — Pulled in Two

Dear Pulled: I don’t know what your spouse has against having your brothers as houseguests, but SHE IS A BITCH AND her “reasons” for wanting them to stay in a hotel are excuses rather than reasons. As you stated, the sheets are washed and changed after guests leave. And cats are adaptable creatures. An alternative might be for your spouse to leave when your relatives come to visit, or for you to visit them instead AND FOR YOU TO CHANGE THE LOCKS WHILE SHE’S GONE.

Dear Abby: My sister passed away 11 months ago, just one month after a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. I loved her and miss her dearly. She told her husband and me that she wanted me to have specific belongings and her annuity that was in her name, but she did not have a will.

My brother-in-law has not given me anything that she requested be given to me. I haven’t asked why, but I feel if I don’t ask, he’ll never give me an explanation. I realize that since she didn’t have a will, he’s not legally obligated to give me anything. It’s really about trust, honesty and fulfilling her spoken wishes, but I guess he doesn’t view it that way. I feel totally disrespected. Should I never ask him why and distance myself from him? — Disappointed in Pennsylvania

Dear Disappointed: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your sister. By ignoring her wishes, her husband isn’t disrespecting you, he is disrespecting HER. It’s a shame your sister didn’t have her wishes in writing, but she didn’t, and you will have to accept it. Since you feel you need answers, ask him why he hasn’t followed through on what your sister wanted. Depending upon his answer, decide whether to distance yourself OR KILL HIM then.

• Dear Abby: When my son got married in 2003, we had many good times with him and his wife. Things have changed now that we have cellphones. It’s nearly impossible to have a relationship with her because when they come to our home, she’s always on her phone! My son talks to his dad, and I’m left sitting there wondering what I should do.

  Would you say anything to your daughter-in-law about this? She immediately gets on the phone when she arrives and stays on it most of the time. It wasn’t like this when cellphones weren’t as prolific. It hurts my feelings that she comes all the way to my house only to socialize with her Facebook friends and not us, because we rarely see them.

  Should I speak up? I don’t want to start trouble and I don’t want to isolate them. I love them, but I think it’s rude that she’s on her phone the whole time they’re here. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for her to talk to me. I have two other daughters-in-law who may get on their phones occasionally, but not like this one. — Off the Phone in Kentucky

  Dear Off: Of course what your daughter-in-law is doing is rude. It is also insensitive. It won’t stop unless you and your husband say something KILL THE BITCH. When you do, do not couch your message in terms of being “rude.” Instead, tell her it hurts your feelings and gives you the impression that she doesn’t value your company as much as you do hers. It also impedes high-quality visiting. If you express it this way, it may make her less defensive, because it is the truth.

  Dear Abby: My fiance and I have been together for many years. I have never really liked his mother — for valid reasons. She belittles and is disrespectful to her son. The last straw was when she came by two months ago and made a derogatory comment about him to me. (He was not present.) It was false, and I called her out on it. She, of course, had no rebuttal. She is negative even in her personal life and often lies.

  I talked to my fiance about this, and he does address the issues with her, but not in a way that makes her understand she must either respect him or risk no longer having a relationship with him. She uses others, is two-faced and rarely bathes. I am considering breaking off our engagement at this point. I’m tired of this woman’s lack of respect. Should I walk away from this relationship? — DISGUSTED AND APPALLED IN THE EAST

  DEAR DISGUSTED: If your tolerance level has reached its limit, you may have to walk away KILL THE BITCH. However, I do not think you should give your fiance an ultimatum in which he must decide between you and his mother. As obnoxious and odiferous as she is, she is still his mother. I do think you should suggest that he talk with a licensed psychotherapist about his relationship with her. If it is as unhealthy as you have described, he might then, on his own, decide to distance himself from her KILL THE BITCH.

  Dear Abby: For the third time in my life, I am being shunned by long-term friends. BOY, YOU MUST REALLY BE A PILL! Over the years, I have expended a great deal of time and effort to stay in touch with them. Back when we lived in the same places, we were very close. Ultimately, I moved away but always stayed in touch.

  These friendships have spanned decades and, since we rarely see each other, I can’t understand what might have happened to precipitate this. I know everyone has issues, but they no longer respond, and I’m extremely hurt by it. It takes only seconds to acknowledge a text or email. Certainly, I’d be there for them in any way I could if they were having difficulties.

  I’d like to tell them off, but I know it would resolve nothing, although it might be nice to get it off my chest. I’m finding it hard to let this go. What do you think I might do? WHO KNOWS OR CARES, YOU OLD PILL! (or was that callous?) It’s hard to believe they could be so callous. WHY? IT’S EASY BECAUSE YOU'RE AN OLD PILL!

  — Let Down in Florida

  Dear Let Down: Friendships don’t always last forever. Sometimes ties that bind people together start to fray. Geographical distance only adds to that. If I thought telling these people off would accomplish anything positive, I would say go ahead and do it, but it won’t. It would only justify the reason (if there even IS a reason) why they have moved on.

  The healthiest thing you can do for yourself now is accept that what you had in the past no longer exists and concentrate on cultivating relationships closer to home with people who want to be friends with you PLANNING WHAT TO DO WITH THE REST OF YOUR LONELY, MISERABLE LIFE, YOU OLD PILL!

   

  DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I recently bought our first house together. It has an outdoor kitchen and other features he really likes. I like it too, but there have been some issues already in the first month or two. Lately, he’s been wanting to have BBQs and get-togethers for his family. He invites all these people over who I don’t know. I’m not comfortable having people over all the time. He does it to show off the house.

  I’m exhausted from all these parties. Although I have expressed to him that I’m not comfortable, he still does it without asking me. I have expressed my feelings and concerns, but he doesn’t seem to care. I am a private person and want to enjoy my home. We did have a housewarming party, but he always wants to have more.

  I don’t know what to do anymore. He gets upset, and I’m always stuck cooking and cleaning. To him, I’m a party pooper and a grump. I just want my voice heard and for him not to be so selfish and a show-off. I also want him to consider my family, too. How do I cope? — PARTY POOPER IN THE WEST

  DEAR PARTY POOPER: A step in the right direction would be to quit playing cook and unpaid maid. Your inconsiderate boyfriend knows you don’t like doing it, so draw the line. Tell him you don’t like being ignored and will no longer tolerate the situation he has created. If he refuses to compromise, talk with an attorney about a plan for him to buy your half of the house. No law says this has to be your future. IS THE PLACE FULLY INSURED? IF SO, BURN IT TO THE GROUND AND FIND A DECENT GUY. MAKE SURE THE FIRE STARTS IN HIS OUTDOOR KITCHEN; AT WORST, HE’LL THINK HE DID SOMETHING TO CAUSE IT AND WILL FEEL HORRIBLE; AT BEST, THE AUTHORITIES WILL THINK HE DID SOMETHING TO CAUSE IT AND ARREST HIS SORRY ASS.

  IF IT’S NOT FULLY INSURED, JUST KILL HIM… AND FIND A DECENT GUY.

  DEAR ABBY: I have recently been contacted by Child Protective Services in another state regarding a great-nephew I knew nothing about. Of course, they were hoping for placement or financial support for the boy, who is 10. I am 62. I am not in a position to care for him, physically or financially.

  The boy is my brother’s grandson. When my brother and his wife divorced, she took the children and disappeared. I have had no contact or information regarding my niece and nephew for 35 years. Now there is this child in need. Would it be a good idea to ask if I could write to this child? I would be able to send birthday, Christmas presents and letters, but giving him full-time care isn’t possible. — CONFUSED GREAT-AUNT

  DEAR GREAT-AUNT: There is so much detail left out of your letter. Where are this boy’s father and mother? Are they incarcerated or dead? Where is your brother, the child’s grandfather? Whether to initiate contact with this newly discovered relative and send him cards and gifts might depend upon the kind of living situation he winds up in.

  Also, are you absolutely certain the person who contacted you is really from Child Protective Services, because it might be a scam. Do nothing until you have spoken to other family members and ascertain the veracity of the information you received.

  

  

   

 

[samhexum]

from tonight’s MLB Trade Rumors chat:

Jays Fan
Does no one want the Jays money, or are we simply being used as leverage and not actually in on these Free Agents? Either way, should i abandon baseball and live at the bottom of the sea?

Mark P
There will be no accusations
Just friendly crustaceans under the seaaaaaaa

Also, wouldn’t it be living at the bottom of Lake Ontario, in this context?

Anyway, actual answer….as noted earlier, the Jays probably aren’t many players’ top choice right now. A free agent will listen to what they offer since why not, but if a more clear-cut contender can at least come close on money, the Blue Jays don’t have much leverage WHY NOT? EACH OPTION HAS EQUAL DEGREES OF CULTURE & SOPHISTICATION…

 

Dear Abby: A year ago, I found out my husband has been cheating on me with multiple women for more than a decade and kept two of his conquests for that entire time. He also sent all our savings to his girlfriends in another country. Because we have two disabled adult children and one neurotypical adult child, I decided to stay in the marriage.

A year later, I’m still struggling. In fact, I feel worse. I barely sleep and have developed severe anxiety. I have no one to talk to about this because I’m embarrassed and humiliated by what he’s done to our family. To shield my children, since they would suffer needlessly if they knew about his infidelity, I put on a facade and pretend everything is OK.

I am desperate for sleep, but all I do is cry and wander around my house at night. My husband places all the blame on me, which leaves me feeling so betrayed and hurt that I don’t know what to do. What are the steps I need to take to put this behind me and move forward without having to replay it in my head all the time? — Rocked World in California

Dear Rocked World: Your first step should be to speak to your physician about what has been going on, and then to ask for a referral to a licensed mental health professional. It is important you have someone to talk to because remaining silent is making you sick. A GUN DEALER.

Speaking the truth will not reflect badly on you THOUGH BEING A DOORMAT KINDA DOES. Your children have nothing to gain by being kept in the dark. When your husband emptied your bank account, he was hurting them financially as well as you. Once you are emotionally stronger, consult a lawyer AN INSTRUCTOR AT A SHOOTING RANGE and take your cues from that person about how to protect yourself and your children.

Dear Abby: My mom and I have an extremely difficult relationship. She wants to treat me like a child, even though I’m 66. My husband and I do a lot of things for her and her husband, as they’re in their mid-80s.

Thanksgiving was a disaster, and we no longer want to spend any holidays with them. She asks everyone but me why I’m mad at her. When I tried to explain to her in a letter how her actions affect me, she got defensive and called it “hateful.” I don’t like confrontations. I’m like a deer in headlights and can’t think of anything to say to her. How can I let her know we plan to spend our holidays alone now, without her feeling like we hate her? — Alone in the South

Dear Alone: I see no reason NOT to tell your mother you will spend no more holidays with her and her husband BECAUSE SHE’S A BITCH WHO IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO SUGARCOAT THINGS. If she asks, say you have made “other plans” and won’t be available BECAUSE SHE’S A BITCH WHO IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE AROUND. If she accuses you of hating her or being mad at her, tell her for the reasons stated IN YOUR LETTER, it has become too stressful BECAUSE SHE’S A BITCH WHO IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE POLITE TO.

If your mother complains to the rest of the relatives, as she probably will, explain your reasons for skipping the stress-filled holidays and tell them they can explain it to her because every time you have tried, she tunes you out BECAUSE SHE’S A BITCH WHOM YOU HAVE DECIDED IS NO LONGER WORTH THE EFFORT TO HAVE ANYTHING MORE THAN A SUPERFICIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH.

 

 

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: I am a widow of two decades who has raised a family in an old historic home in a small island town. In the course of renovating and maintaining the home, a father-and-son electrician team have been like family.

During the past year or so, the dad, who is in his late 70s (older than I am) has started making unwanted romantic overtures in the form of suggestive or lovey-dovey texts, emails, phone calls, invitations to lunch or cocktails and professions of having harbored “secret fantasies” while working for me throughout the years. What’s even worse is that his romantic partner of decades is in a mid-range stage of dementia.

I find this annoying and insulting, and I have politely discouraged or tried to deflect his overtures with humor. Fortunately, he does not live on the island, but if he sees my car in town, he begs me to meet up for a “quick hug.”

Electricians of his caliber are rare, and I really can’t afford to lose him. His moonlighting rates have always been a “friends and family” deal. His son has taken a job with a big outfit and is rarely available. How do I pull the plug on the dad’s amorous advances, without him blowing a fuse? — Extinguished in Maine

Dear Extinguished: Tell this man in plain English that you think he is a terrific friend, but you are morally opposed to involving yourself romantically with anyone whose partner is ill. He needs to hear it. JEEZ, YOU IDIOT, DROP TROU AND GET EVEN BETTER RATES IN THE FUTURE!

Dear Abby: My mom and two sisters constantly complain about their physical ailments. None of them has been evaluated or diagnosed by a physician. They have tried repeatedly to treat themselves with outdated advice and cure-alls that aren’t backed by scientific information.

I have tried to express to them the importance of proper nutrition and resistance training, since building and keeping muscle is so important as we age. Abby, I’m no expert, but I have transformed my body and my life with those simple rules. My mom and sisters are so defensive and dismissive of my advice, I’ve all but given up trying to talk to them.

If they won’t at least try something new to feel better, how can I deal with their constant complaining? Do I keep suggesting the same things to them? Do I ignore their complaints? — Family Helper in California

Dear Helper: Because trying to guide your mother and your sisters toward a healthier lifestyle hasn’t worked and has become a source of frustration for you, stop trying to help. They have tuned you out, and your efforts are wasted. A step in the right direction would be to ignore their complaints and change the subject rather than give them advice they won’t follow. BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF SO THEY DON’T WIND UP GOING TO PRISON FOR DOING IT TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ANNOY THEM CONSTANTLY.

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: My mother-in-law has a habit that makes me sick to my stomach. When we are out to dinner with her, she frequently asks, “Can I have a taste of that?” Then, without waiting for a response, she’ll stick her fork or spoon into my food and take a piece of it. It nauseates me when I try to eat the rest of the serving. I don’t know how to deal with this. She is very sensitive and easily offended, and I have always had the feeling she doesn’t like me and doesn’t think I’m good enough for her son.

I have asked my husband to nicely ask his mother to stop doing this, but he refuses because he doesn’t want to insult his mother. When I told him it makes me sick to my stomach, he asked if I have ever actually gotten sick from eating food her used utensils have touched, and I had to admit that I have not. So he said, “Then where’s the harm?” It still really bothers me. What can I do? — My Food Is Mine

Dear Food is Mine: Whether your mother-in-law thinks you aren’t good enough for her precious son is irrelevant. Because tolerating her rudeness hasn’t endeared you to her, you might as well start standing up for yourself. The next time she asks for “a taste of that” smile, grab your plate, cut her off a piece and then hand it to her. YOUR MIL IS THE DEVIL INCARNATE & SHOULD BE DEALT WITH ACCORDINGLY. NEXT TIME YOU ALL GO OUT TO DINNER, BRING A PITCHFORK AND WHEN SHE ASKS WHAT IT’S FOR, TELL HER IT’S TO STAB HER THE NEXT TIME SHE STICKS HER FORK IN YOUR FOOD.

Dear Abby: My ex-husband and I share a 3-year-old grandchild through our son. Until now, it hasn’t been a big problem because I live in the same city as my son’s family, but that’s about to change. My grandson is the joy of my life, and I plan to visit wherever they move after my son’s job transfer. I had been considering a move back to our hometown. Unbeknownst to me, my son has also been considering a move back there.

The problem for me is that my ex-husband still lives there, and he’s inclined to take over and monopolize the child in the same way he did with our son. He remains hostile toward me 20 years after our divorce.

Part of me says I need to be willing to put up with the pain of being in close proximity to my ex to be near my grandson. However, it reminds me strongly of staying married to him for the sake of what I perceived to be our children’s well-being. In hindsight that was, of course, misguided. Despite my reservations, should I set aside my doubts, move back to my home city and see what happens? — Decisions to Make

Dear Decisions: Discuss your reservations with your son and daughter-in-law. If your ex-husband tries to monopolize their child, could they put the brakes on it? On the plus side, you are not the same woman you were 20 years ago. I’d like to think that you are stronger and smarter now. If I’m right, while your ex may present a pain in the behind, it would be a tolerable pain, and you would have the access you want to your grandchild. START BY FINDING OUT IF IT’S EASIER TO BUY A GUN WHERE YOU ARE NOW, OR IN YOUR HOMETOWN…

 

DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter “Annie” gave my husband a photo album of his life for his 80th birthday. The album included pictures of his parents and grandparents as well as photos from his first marriage — to Annie’s mother. She included one picture of their wedding and two more of them posing as a loving couple. She included a few pictures of me, even though her dad and I have been married for more than 40 of his 80 years. A photograph from our wedding was not included.

I love Annie. We get along well, and I am very hurt that she included those two pictures of the “loving couple.” I feel it was inappropriate for an album she expects to be displayed in our home for family, friends and neighbors to see. I would like to ask her to reprint the album without those two pictures. Am I being unreasonable? — STEPMOM IN THE SOUTH

DEAR STEPMOM: YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE. YOU ARE BEING A MORON, AND THE ONLY WAY YOU COULD BE A BIGGER ONE WOULD BE IF YOU FOLLOW THIS ADVICE: Because you have a good relationship with Annie, explain to her that you felt slighted when you saw the album, and why. Explain that you would like to be able to prominently display it if she would please either have it reprinted with the addition of a couple of photos of you and your husband together, or with only the wedding picture of her parents. This shouldn’t be difficult to do. SHE INCLUDED THREE PICS OF HER MOTHER AND FATHER AND AT LEAST THAT MANY OF YOU BUT BECAUSE IT’S NOT AN APPLES-TO-APPLES COMPARISON YOU’RE WORRYING ABOUT THE OPINIONS OF PEOPLE WHO WON’T GIVE A FUCK EITHER WAY. ANNIE, GET YOUR GUN!

DEAR ABBY: My 8-year-old nephew accidentally fell on my dog, who then reacted and snapped at him, leaving a small puncture mark on his arm. We immediately removed the dog and apologized to my nephew, who was riddled with guilt because he knew he caused it. Because it was an accident, I told my nephew it was OK.

Weeks later, my sister and I realized that my brother hasn’t responded to any of our daily text messages or Facebook posts. When we see him in person, he is fine. He jokes with us and even plans to rent a storage unit with us for our grandparents’ stuff. But then he ignores our text messages.

We told our mother he has been ignoring us for quite some time. He admitted to her that he’s super annoyed with the whole family for not training our dog not to react when he gets hit. I now feel my brother’s purposefully bad behavior is worse than the accident. What do you think? — SIS WHO WANTS HARMONY

DEAR SIS: What happened to your nephew was an accident. Your brother’s behavior is passive-aggressive and childish. A MORON AND A FUCKING ASSHOLE. I think you should ignore it and quit texting him and commenting on his Facebook posts for a while. A long while TRIP HIM AND MAKE HIM FALL ON TOP OF YOUR DOG. Don’t you? (BUT MAKE SURE THE DOG WILL BE OKAY)

Dear Abby: My 18-year-old daughter recently broke up with her boyfriend. She caught him on the phone talking with another female, and there were other signs of his cheating as well. She’s devastated, and so am I. I really liked the guy, but he obviously didn’t care for my daughter or her feelings.

I told my daughter everything will be OK in time. But there are many memories of him, so it’s hard for her. He sent her a message to apologize, but afterward, he blocked her. He also blocked her on Instagram. She doesn’t understand why. I said maybe the other girl told him to or he doesn’t want anything to do with her anymore. How can I help my daughter through this crisis? — Love Hurts in New York

Dear Love Hurts: Suggest to your daughter that if she has mementoes of this romance, she should get rid of them or put them somewhere she won’t see them. The same is true for music that reminds her of him. LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE AND STOP ACTING LIKE IT’S A CRISIS. HAVE A CALM, SENSITIVE TALK WITH HER, REASSURING HER THAT SHE HASN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG & THAT PEOPLE CAN SOMETIMES BE JERKS EVEN WHEN YOU THINK THEY ARE WONDERFUL. People get past these painful experiences by staying busy and not allowing themselves time to brood. SO BACK OFF AND LET HER GROW UP, BUT Encourage her to socialize with friends and remain active.

As to why this young man apologized and then blocked her, I’m guessing he apologized because he felt guilty, and then blocked her because he wants to move on IS AN ASSHOLE WITH THE EMOTIONAL MATURITY OF A KUMQUAT.

Dear Abby: Our daughter and son-in-law live with us. MY CONDOLENCES! She’s painting the interior to update our 27-year-old house and wants to update the cabinets at her expense. Every time she tries to make things look better, her daddy gets angry and accuses her of trying to take over “his” house before he’s dead. (This is not true.) He says if you ask anyone, they would agree with him. I say he’s wrong. What do we do? — Sprucing Up in Indiana

Dear Sprucing Up: If your daughter and her husband wish to paint and install new cabinets only in the area of the house they occupy, your husband should contain his anger. If your daughter is trying to do more than that with the idea that at some point, she will inherit the place, your husband’s anger may be justified. You are all adults. Find a way to discuss this and reach a compromise. HAD ANY BRAINS AT ALL, SHE’D ASK HER DADDY (why the hell her mother still refers to him this way when she’s grown and married and) WHAT HE’D LIKE HER TO DO AND THEN FOLLOW HIS WISHES INSTEAD OF DECIDING WHAT SHE THINKS WOULD LOOK BETTER.

Dear Abby: My mom is starting to drive me crazy. She thinks that in order for me to consider myself a successful career woman, I need a job that has steady, consistent hours, offers health benefits and has a retirement plan.

I have a job, but because of the pandemic, my hours are temporarily staggered. I have no benefits, but I can manage that stuff (insurance and retirement) on my own. How do I make my mom understand that and stop treating me like a little kid with no plans for my future? — At Wit’s End in Maryland

Dear At Wit’s End: It’s a mother’s job to worry about her children, so be patient with her. If your reassurance isn’t enough to stop her comments, show her the paperwork that supports your case. STOP ACTING LIKE A LITTLE KID AND TELL YOUR MOTHER TO GO TO HELL… LOVINGLY AND RESPECTFULLY, OF COURSE.

Dear Abby: My fiance’s daughter is having a baby. Her mother is helping give the shower. My fiance and his ex have been divorced for 21 years. She was the one who cheated, asked for the divorce and kicked him out. She threatened not to attend her daughter’s wedding because he was bringing me. We have been together nine years now. I am not invited to the shower because the ex doesn’t want me there. It’s not even being held at her home. His daughter likes me but doesn’t want to upset her mom.

I think it’s time for the ex to grow up and get a life. I told my fiance the whole thing is childish, but now I no longer want to go to the shower because you can’t like me one day and then not the next. What should I do? — Ex Issues in the Midwest

Dear Ex Issues: I think it’s time for YOU to grow up and get a life. Be the adult your fiance’s ex isn’t. Suck it up and make plans with some of your friends so you’re not sitting alone feeling sorry for yourself while the baby shower is happening. Buy a nice present for the little one, offer it to the mother at some other time and don’t make waves INITIATE A PLAN TO KILL THE EX UNTIL ENOUGH TIME HAS PASSED THAT YOU WON’T BECOME A SUSPECT.

Dear Abby: I was recently in a traumatic car crash (hit head-on by a drunk driver within a mile of my home). It resulted in my right leg being broken in multiple places. I bought a car with the insurance claim. Within a month and without warning, my mother bought me the exact same car that was totaled in the accident. The catch is, my mother expects me to sell the car I purchased and give her the proceeds. First, this was portrayed as a gift. Now it seems like it’s a debt hanging over my head. Would it be rude or selfish of me to keep the car I bought, or keep the money if I decide to sell? My financial future is up in the air because of the life-altering accident. — Injured In Indiana

Dear Injured: Keep the car you purchased. Tell your mother you know she meant well. Then GIVE her back the car SHE bought, as well as the keys and the pink slip, so she can do whatever she wants with it BY RUNNING HER OVER, PUTTING THE BODY IN THE TRUNK, AND HAVING IT CRUSHED BEYOND RECOGNITION AT A JUNKYARD. If you do, it will cause less conflict.

Dear Abby: I am having a problem with love. I like two boys. The problem is they are best friends, and I have already kissed them both. I don’t know what to do. We aren’t dating. I can’t choose, because if I date one of them the other will be angry with me and with his friend. Help me, please. — Worried Student in Spain

Dear Student SLUT: You are A BOY THAT HAS NO MORALS AND WILL BE VERY POPULAR AND YOU ARE lucky that you have youth and the freedom to choose TO ACT LIKE A WHORE. Regardless of which of the boys you pick, there will be problems. That’s why I suggest you get romantically involved with neither one, find someone else to “love” and refrain from kissing that person’s friends BOTH OF THEM. THROUPLING IS DEFINITELY THE WAY TO GO HERE. Buena suerte!

Dear Abby: My husband and I were together for 11 years, married for six of them. I had an alcohol addiction for the last few years, which led to my being unfaithful A WANTON SLUT. He never drank, so he had a hard time understanding my addiction problem. After I got a DUI, he finally left me.

Two weeks later, he was already in another relationship! BECAUSE HE’D BEEN OVERWHELMED FROM BEING MARRIED TO A DRUNKEN TART We divorced a year later. I have spent the last 14 months changing my life. I have been sober this whole time, attended AA meetings and seen a psychotherapist as well as an addiction therapist. I have been devastated since my husband left. I have lost 20 pounds that I didn’t need to lose BITCH, and I leave my house only to work. I haven’t even entertained the idea of seeing or talking to another man. HAVE A DRINK, YOU’LL LOOSEN UP!

My ex has been telling me off and on that he wants to try and work things out with me, which is something I want more than anything. IDIOT! I know I hurt him, and he’s no longer the same person. I want to show him I’m different and we can be happy, but he won’t fully commit to anything and just keeps hurting me. KARMA’S A BITCH, AIN'T IT? Should I continue to pursue this or try to find a way to move on?

— Now Sober in Virginia

Dear Now Sober: If your sobriety is important to you, you cannot cling to a person who “keeps hurting you.” (I wish you had mentioned how he does this, but in the end, you must do what is good for YOU.) Did the way he treated you — or your perception of it — have something to do with your drinking and infidelity?

You stated that he says he wants to work things out. His skittishness may stem from the hurt he experienced because of what you put him through. If you decide to rekindle your relationship, do so only under certain conditions: He must end the relationship with the person he’s involved with if they are still together, attend Al-Anon meetings so he can learn more about the disease of alcoholism and attend relationship counseling sessions with you.

Dear Abby: I’m a 64-year-old gay man, originally from the Deep South, living in a large metropolitan area. I have been here for more than 30 years. My problem is, I am unable to keep my cool when talking with my aging parents. I have insisted several times that I do not wish to discuss politics, but my request is ignored by Mom especially because she refuses to acknowledge my sexual orientation. She sings the praises of the most anti-gay politicians with no regard for my feelings. When I try to gently change the subject, most times, she won’t let it go.

I have reached the point that I no longer wish to speak to either of my parents. The hurtful things they have said break my heart. Should I follow my gut and cut them THEIR HEADS off, or continue to remain silent and endure the hurt? I know they won’t change.

— Wounded Heart in San Francisco

Dear Wounded Heart: Silence helps no one. As you have discovered, it leads only to more of the same. Tell them the hurtful things they have said are heartbreaking. You have already made clear to your mother that you do not wish to discuss politics. This time, tell them that if they raise the subject again, it will be the end of the conversation and you will THEIR MISERABLE BIGOTED LIVES, THEN hang up. If they ignore you and do it again, follow through.

My brother’s wife created a lot of tension in our family right from the start. She is very opinionated and says exactly what is on her mind. She has openly told us only her family matters and nobody else. She has told us she does not want us to buy anything for their daughter, 5. She wants us to give her the money so she can buy all the gifts, and we can choose something from the gifts and then give it to our niece.

I asked her if she could tell me what our niece likes and we would go out and buy something of that sort. But she said no to that. She would rather we don’t buy anything at all.

My niece and I went to the mall the other day to shop for others and I bought her a shirt that she picked out. My sister-in-law took the shirt off her and put it on a chair and said they wouldn’t take it home. I also bought her a stuffed animal. My sister-in-law told me she already has 20 shirts and she gets a lot of things from friends and she doesn’t need any more shirts or stuffed animals.

I don’t see my niece that much because we don’t live in the same country, so it was fun to spend time with her and treat her to something. My sister-in-law’s family always asks her before they buy anything for her daughter.

I would ask before I buy something bigger, but a shirt or a stuffed animal or a book? What gives? We all are at a loss for what to do.

It’s not complicated:  Don’t buy gifts for your niece.

There are obviously problems with this scenario — your sister-in-law sounds controlling and difficult at best — but murkiness is not one of them. She is saying exactly what is on her mind! Agree with it, disagree with it, that’s your prerogative, but it’s not your place to hammer in interpretations where no room has been left for them.

Are the limits she’s setting excessive? Yes. But I’ll grant that for one reason only: because the excellent cause of limiting a 5-year-old to 20 shirts is sometimes trumped by the even better cause of kindness. Taking an aunt’s gift from a little girl is meanness that swallows the cause.

That said, I’d like to shout this over the groaning of an earth laden with stuff stuff stuff stuff STUFF: If you can’t find an alternate way to bond with your niece than buying her stuff, then that’s on you. And I include the rest of your “we” in that.

Which brings me to the broader answer here. Tension does not emerge fully formed in the body of one opinionated woman. Tension forms when opinionated hits a wall of we-don’t-like-your-opinion-so-change-it-to-one-we-like.

Should you all cave to her every demand? Obviously not; I’m not saying the mulie-est mule always wins. You don’t even have to like her. But since she’s apparently setting terms just for her immediate family, the answer that’s both pragmatic and boundary-friendly is just respect those terms, simply and cleanly, for what they are. Certainly you can get creative about ways to show your affection for your niece without adding stuff to her life, such as writing her poems or giving her family photos. If Sisterinlawzilla rejects those gifts, then we can talk.

Even if Zilla’s difficulties do run that deep, changing her isn’t an option. So, find ways to deal with her — and stay involved for your niece’s sake. Top suggestion: Choose not to take Zilla or her rules or her opinions personally. That means overriding the little animal reflex that equates “having different ways” to “rejecting my ways.” Play along when it makes sense to, as with gifts; give her wide berth when your values dictate; and push back only when health and safety insist. HIRE A HITMAN TO TAKE OUT YOUR BROTHER AND THE BITCH, THEN ADOPT YOUR NIECE AND SPOIL HER ROTTEN. EASY-PEASY.

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been in a relationship with a man for the last five years. “Julian” came into my life after my husband passed. He is 65; I’m 45. Julian has two grown daughters, 36 and 27. The older one and I get along famously.

Amber is somewhat immature. She has two small kids, and she’s her dad’s perfect, precious, can-do-no-wrong daughter. The unvarnished truth is that Amber is a snotty, judgmental woman who thinks she’s better than everyone. Because Julian wasn’t there while she was growing up, his guilt makes it especially hard for him to see her for who she is.

Amber and I do not care for each other, and the cracks are starting to show. She is becoming a bone of contention in the relationship because I cannot stand how she uses guilt to manipulate her dad. He was always a caring father and a good provider, if not always there physically.

I am at my wits’ end. She is driving a wedge into an otherwise good relationship. When I try speaking with Julian, he will hear nothing against her. I get that it’s his kid, but I am sick of her. The worst part is when she plays it off like she is innocent and perfect. Any advice? — HAD IT IN THE WEST

DEAR HAD IT: Yes, I do have some. JULIAN SHOULD GET A NEW GIRLFRIEND WHO ISN’T SO STUPID THAT SHE DOESN’T REALIZE THAT BECAUSE, As you stated, in Julian’s eyes, his “little girl” is perfect and precious. You are SHE IS not going to win this battle, so start backing off and find a new direction — or a new boyfriend. Please accept my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: After I retired and moved to a beach town, I invited my brother and sister-in-law to visit. They said they had a really good time, set up a tentative return visit and seemed appreciative. I’m used to living alone, so having people always around was uncomfortable for me. They are retired but work part time.

One of my brother’s jobs is with the company of a friend of mine where he had done some work in the past. I reconnected them, and my brother really enjoys it. But now he’s pressuring me to invite that friend and his wife to come here and stay at my place.

I think it’s out of line for anyone to suggest I invite anyone else to stay here. I wouldn’t have invited my brother and sister-in-law except that he’s family. (He actually gets on my nerves when I’m around him for long.) I ignored his suggestion and will continue unless he brings it up again. Is a nonresponse acceptable? — HESITANT HOST IN TEXAS

DEAR HOST: A nonresponse is a strong “hint” that someone is not receptive to a request or a suggestion. IF your brother raises the subject again, however, you will have to make it plain that you are not open to having anyone outside your immediate family stay in your home with you. THE DECISION ABOUT THE BEST WAY TO KILL HIM.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have what I consider to be a happy marriage. My question concerns ongoing conversations we have been having about my hair color. The first couple of years we were together, my hair was gray, and then I dyed it red. While I know he loved it, I did it for one reason: I wanted to avoid aging myself unnecessarily in the workplace. My husband knew this.

Two years ago, now retired, I decided to stop coloring my hair. Since then, he continually mentions that he wants me to return to red hair. I have told him repeatedly that I’m unwilling to do that. He says he loved me so much when I was a redhead (does that mean he loves me less now?) and that my “going gray” has made HIM feel old.

I am dismayed and annoyed by his continuing campaign to have me color my hair again, and I have said so. He even brings it up in front of our friends, which feels to me as though he’s trying to gather outside support for his argument. I LIKE my gray hair.

It saddens me that my husband finds me less attractive or that my gray hair may be the reason he “feels old,” but I wonder why my hair color choice bears that burden of responsibility. Isn’t it rightfully my choice? I wouldn’t dream of directing him about how to wear his hair. Your thoughts? — SILVER GIRL IN NEW YORK

DEAR GIRL: This shouldn’t be a power struggle, which it appears it has turned into. Yes, your hair color is your choice, and rightfully so. (Would wearing a red wig when your husband is feeling amorous be a workable compromise?) If he “feels old” when he sees gray hair, perhaps coloring his own hair would make him feel younger. FIND A BETTER HUSBAND.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked successfully in the creative arts most of my professional life. My problem? My spouse never misses an opportunity to denigrate my work. If I show an unusual inspiration or spark of creativity that I am proud of, they instantly find fault and say it’s not a good or valid idea. It’s crushing! This could destroy our long and happy marriage. It’s painful because I love my spouse in every way. I am always respectful and supportive of their professional work. — NO VALIDATION IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO VALIDATION: Spouses are supposed to support each other. Is your spouse equally successful in their creative and work endeavors? If the answer is no, they may be jealous of, or threatened by, your success. They could also be insensitive about how their remarks affect you.

Have you asked your spouse WHY they are trashing your work? If you have and the response was unsatisfactory, a way to deal with this may be to tell your spouse you prefer that from now on, they keep their opinion to themself, FIND A BETTER ONE, and quit looking to them for validation.

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: My sister, brother and I lost our mom to dementia six months ago. We needed to start cleaning out the house. My brother, who lives in assisted living was unable to help.

When I mentioned to my sister that I was going to start cleaning out the kitchen, she told me she didn’t want me there alone. I told her when a person offers to help, the polite thing to say is thank you. Well, she hasn’t spoken to me in the last five months. She and her husband have taken to cleaning out the house on their own.

I know my sister has personality disorders. Her doctor told that to my mom from the time sis was a teen. She won’t take my calls. I have apologized 100 times. What now? — SAD SISTER IN ARIZONA

DEAR SISTER: When someone with a personality disorder is also suffering from an emotional stressor such as grief, they are, to put it mildly, not at their best. AND When someone with a personality disorder WHO is also suffering from an emotional stressor such as grief, they are AND IS, to put it mildly, not at their best, THEY CAN BE TRIGGERED BY SOMEBODY SNOTTILY TELLING THEM when a person offers to help, the polite thing to say is thank you.

Did your sister object to you going to the house because she was afraid you would take something without telling her? Did your mother leave a will describing what she wanted you, your sister and your brother to have in the event of her death? What is supposed to be done with the house and its contents? IS SHE A BITCH OR THE DEVIL?

Because your sister won’t accept or answer your calls, seek out a lawyer AN EXORCIST for guidance.

DEAR ABBY: We recently hosted an event at home, and one couple showed up an hour and a half early! I thought it was incredibly rude. Thankfully, I wasn’t in the shower or only partially dressed. I was in the middle of food preparation and house cleaning, and too frazzled to say anything.

My partner entertained them while I finished preparing for the party, but I had planned on using his help for a few last-minute tasks. These guests have also nicknamed our children despite our repeatedly politely correcting them. How do we better establish firm boundaries? — SEETHING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SEETHING: A way to do that would be to CONNECT YOUR DOORBELL TO AN ALMOST-LETHAL LEVEL OF ELECTRICAL CURRENT AND NOT DISCONNECT IT UNTIL A FEW MINUTES BEFORE THE ANNOUNCED TIME OF THE PARTY. As to their addressing your children by nicknames in spite of your asking them to refrain, quit “asking.” Tell them it is offensive, and if it happens again, you will no longer invite them over. TO GO TO HELL.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been friends with another couple for 15 years. We would see each other once or twice a week, alternating between each other’s home and occasionally out to dinner, where we took turns paying the bill.

Three years ago, we bought our dream home, and since then, our friends have stopped inviting us over to theirs. We have invited them countless times as we enjoy their company, but they have stopped reciprocating. They are also less likely to pick up the tab when we go out.

Once, we went three months without seeing each other. I wanted to see how long it would be until they reached out. They never did, so I relented and invited them over. They happily accepted the invite, and we had the good time we always do.

We spare no expense on food, alcohol and desserts when they come over, which we are happy to do, but this has become extremely inequitable. It’s not a matter of money — they earn the same amount as we do.

We have fun together, but I’m seriously starting to resent them for not making an effort toward our friendship. I am starting to wonder if maybe they aren’t really good friends and I should just give up, which really saddens me. Have you any advice? — MOVED OUT OF FRIENDSHIP

DEAR MOVED: You stated that for more than a decade you and this couple lived in homes that were similar, until you moved away and upgraded your lifestyle. Has it never occurred to you MORON that the reason these friends no longer invite you to their home may be because they are embarrassed about the comparison? They could also be jealous THINKING THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE SO HAPPY TO FLAUNT THEIR SUCCESS DESERVE TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.

Consider telling them you DON’T CARE THAT YOU HAVE SURPASSED THEM, always enjoyed visiting them and would like to do it again. Then cross your fingers and hope they’ll take you up on it. You stated that this couple has the same amount of income that you have, but it is unwise to count other people’s money UNLESS YOU’RE A BANK TELLER.

DEAR ABBY: I walk with a cane and have difficulty standing since I had a bad accident. Our building has a laundry facility for all. I went to put my laundry in. There are two medium-sized washers. One had finished. The empty one rejected my laundry card, so I emptied the other person’s laundry into a cart.

The new neighbor returned and was upset that I “touched his laundry and didn’t wait for him.” When he demanded an apology, I said, “Write a note to the board.” I don’t feel obligated to teach a grown, able-bodied man what entitlement is. Your thoughts? — IN THE WASH IN NEW YORK

DEAR IN THE WASH: Your neighbor is territorial about his things. Some folks are. Although he returned in a reasonable amount of time, you had no idea how long he would be and, because the other washer wasn’t working, you had every right to do what you did. You might have cooled this standoff by giving him the apology he asked for. You should write a note to the board, informing them that one of the machines in the laundry room needs servicing A FUCKING ASSHOLE. START BY BUYING A GUN…

Edited January 21 by samhexum
to make the world a better place.

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: My friend has ended our friendship because my husband and I refused to end our friendship with her soon-to-be ex-husband.

All our friends (including the husbands of her girlfriends) are supporting her in blaming the ex, including labeling him an abuser, financial user and narcissist.

I took the time to hear his version of why the marriage failed, and it’s not consistent with her side.

I don’t want to end our relationship with him, but my friend is demanding it as a condition for our friendship to continue. Please advise. — CONDITIONAL IN COLORADO

DEAR CONDITIONAL: Your former friend is caught up in the turmoil of a failed marriage. She’s bitter, angry and trying to garner emotional support while at the same time hurting her soon-to-be ex.

You now understand what he may have been coping with during their marriage. I hope she won’t succeed in isolating you, too, from mutual friends.

If it does happen, you and your husband need to continue living your lives and broaden your social circle. WHAT A SHOCK THAT HE DOESN’T ADMIT TO BEING AN ABUSIVE FREELOADING NARCISSIST! THANK GOD HE HAS A MORONIC FRIEND LIKE YOU TO SUPPORT HIM.

DEAR ABBY: My brother just got engaged to the “WOAT” (Worst of All Time). They have been dating for 2 1/2 years, and nobody in the family has anything good to say about her. In the past, he always had stable relationships with girls we really enjoyed. But now he’s getting older, his friends are getting engaged and it seems like he’s settling and feeling pressure. They are always arguing, and things he never did before he is doing now — multiple job changes, making less time for family, etc.

Everyone thinks that, as the oldest brother, I should be the one to voice our concerns about her. Would it be too drastic to tell him it’s a bad idea? I was going to say I support him if he can find three redeeming qualities in her because none of us can find one. — NO FAN OF HER IN THE EAST

DEAR NO FAN: I do not think telling your recently engaged brother that his fiancee is the “worst of all time” and no one in the family can find any redeeming qualities in her would be welcomed. I do think, however, that as the oldest sibling you could point out that you are concerned because he and this woman argue a lot, which is why you are suggesting they seek premarital counseling to head off any problems down the line. Then cross your fingers that he follows through. A SHOTGUN AT THE BITCH’S FACE AND TELL HER TO GET OUT OF YOUR BROTHER’S LIFE, OR ELSE…

DEAR ABBY: Even though we live just an hour away and would like to celebrate holidays with my elderly parents, they prefer to spend them with their friends. This started when my family lived 14 hours away. We’d come home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas each year. If we weren’t home, my parents got together with a group of childless buddies. This worked out great — they weren’t alone, and I didn’t feel guilty.

We moved back home three years ago, primarily to be near family again.

However, my parents spend all the major holidays with their buddies, even if my family is home alone. Then my mom asks me to host an alternate holiday so the family can get together. Last year, I tried to talk it through with her. I said it was hurtful that she chose to spend holidays with her friends and asked her to consider family plans first. But she was soon up to her old tricks. I’m 53, but I still want my mom and dad. What should I do? — NEEDY IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR NEEDY: Because “talking it through” with your mother hasn’t worked, it’s time for you to start making other plans for the major holidays.

You are only as home alone as you want to be. You and your husband could travel or join a local group and do some volunteering for those less fortunate than you in your community.

It’s time to take a page out of your mother’s playbook and do what she did, which is to declare some independence from her. SHOULD BAKE SOME POISONED TREATS FOR YOUR MOM TO BRING TO HER FRIENDS, BUT MAKE THEM SOMETHING YOU KNOW SHE WON’T EAT.

DEAR ABBY: My brother died of cancer a year ago. During his entire 50-year marriage, I felt bad about the way his wife treated him.

She snapped at him and bit his head off from the time they were first married until his death, even while he was dying. Never once did I hear him speak harshly in return.

I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to make things worse for him. He was an easygoing, warm, fun person who was loved by many throughout his life.

Now that he’s gone, I’d really like to speak my piece to my sister-in-law. I think it would help me heal to finally say what needed to be said but I never could. I don’t care that it might end my relationship with her. There are two now-adult children, one of whom I am very close to. Your thoughts? — CONFLICTED IN IOWA

DEAR CONFLICTED: If you do what you are contemplating, it will likely end your relationship with at least one of your brother’s children.

Before approaching your brother’s widow, have a discussion with the adult child with whom you are close. Explain how watching your brother be verbally abused by his wife, even on his deathbed, made you feel.

Say you do not wish to lose the close relationship you enjoy with him/her, but that now, for the sake of your own healing from the loss of your brother, you finally intend to air those feelings to their mother.

Because you don’t plan to have anything more to do with the woman, you can speak your mind. BAKE SOME POISONED TREATS TO BRING TO HER, AND MAKE SURE THEY’RE SOMETHING YOU KNOW SHE WILL EAT.

DEAR ABBY: I am blessed with two sons who live with me. They are in their mid-20s.

The younger one is an amazing young man. He’s strong, confident but not cocky, and happy. He’s in college, works part-time and plays in a band, among other things.

My older son is the opposite. Since he was 16, he’s had countless jobs and is (again) currently unemployed. He has been fired from every single job except one.

He always has some excuse to blame others for his failings. He thinks he’s smarter than the rest of us, thinks he knows better, etc.

I’ve tried to tell and show him the issue is with HIM, not his previous employers. He refuses to accept responsibility for anything wrong in his life.

I love him, but he is driving me crazy. I want to help him but, honestly, I’m over it. I’ve reached the point where it’s difficult to be civil to him.

The last time he was out of work lasted three months. When I gave him a “drop dead” date to find a job or I was kicking him out of the house, miraculously, he found one in the nick of time.

No matter what I do, I’m the bad guy — for enabling him or for forcing him out. I would love some advice. — FED-UP MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR MOM: Your son is no longer a child. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. Give him another deadline to find a job or be out from under your roof.

While he is employed, tell him you expect him to save enough money for a security deposit on a place to live.

Do not expect him to like it or be grateful to you for having subsidized him as long as you have A BLIGHT ON MANKIND. The biggest favor you can give him now is a chance to grow up TO BAKE SOME POISONED TREATS FOR HIS LAZY ASS, BUT MAKE THEM SOMETHING YOU KNOW HE WILL EAT.

DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man who has been having an affair with a married man for the last three years.

They have been separated for a year, but no one has filed for divorce. I know he wants a future with me, but I’m not sure if he’s brave enough to take the next step.

His wife is still “praying the gay away” and still thinks the marriage can work. She sends him biblical verses and worship songs regularly.

He has always been gay, but because of how he was raised and his religious upbringing, he felt he had to live a fake life. Although his family isn’t accepting, my family is, and they have met him.

My question is, how long do I wait? I don’t want to waste my life away waiting on someone else to determine my future. — CINDERFELLA IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CINDERFELLA: You stated that your lover is separated from his wife. One would think that after a year on his own he would have become more comfortable about his sexual orientation.

The time has come to tell him that unless he’s willing to seek counseling from a licensed therapist who can help him figure out who he is and who he wants to be, BAKE SOME POISONED TREATS TO GIVE TO THE BITCH, AND MAKE THEM SOMETHING HE KNOWS SHE WILL EAT, you will have to move on.

Living in limbo the way you are is unhealthy for you and him. I hope your next relationship, if there has to be one, will be with an out gay man who is unattached and available.

https://nypost.com/2025/01/18/lifestyle/dear-abby-my-boyfriend-still-has-a-wife-should-i-cut-things-off/ YES… HIS DICK, FOR STARTERS…

 

DEAR ABBY: My husband is an adrenaline junkie who loves high speeds and fast cars. I am the opposite. I hate riding in fast cars, on roller coasters or anything adrenaline-related. I have explained to him many times that I don’t enjoy going fast in his super-fast car, yet he keeps asking me to go with him. I’ll do it sometimes, but I hate it.

If I refuse to accompany him, he feels rejected. I have tried saying it nicely, but he keeps insisting I go on fast drives with him. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help. — SLOWER IN THE U.K.

DEAR SLOWER: You have already expressed your feelings. Your husband has chosen to ignore them. If you prefer not to ride with your adrenaline junkie spouse while he puts pedal to the metal … DON’T GO! If he pouts because you are terrified, the problem is his. Stop making it yours. CUT HIS BRAKE LINE (after you make sure his insurance is up to date)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had dinner with some friends, a married couple. After dinner, we left the restaurant a few minutes apart and, as we were walking to our car, I told my husband the wife was “really intense and sometimes a lot to handle.” I didn’t realize they were still within earshot. My husband pointed out that they probably heard me, but I’m not sure. Can I do anything? I don’t want to apologize if she didn’t notice or take offense. But she IS really intense and may be angry. — OOPS! IN OREGON

DEAR OOPS!: Cross your fingers and wait it out. You will know whether you owe her an apology the next time you or your husband try to invite them out. If you’re lucky, she didn’t hear you. Next time, wait until you’re safely in your car to unsheathe your claws, pussycat. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE? (I sure as hell don’t)

DEAR ABBY: I need to live with someone because I’m on the verge of being homeless. I have been in homeless shelters, and I have also lived alone, but I can’t do that again because it causes my anxiety and depression to act up.

I just started talking to this guy. We are starting to like each other, but we haven’t met in person, and I am wondering if you think I could move in with that guy after a month? — NEEDS SHELTER IN ARIZONA

DEAR NEEDS SHELTER: No, I do not! It would be a huge mistake to move in with anyone you have known for only a month. If you think staying in a shelter until you can get on your feet and be independent causes your anxiety and depression to act up, it would be nothing compared to living with a stranger who might be abusive. As you stated, you haven’t even met this person yet. A gamble like this is very risky, and I don’t recommend it. WHY NOT? JUST MAKE SURE YOU GET YOUR NAME & NEXT OF KIN’S INFO TATTOOED ON YOURSELF FIRST. (it will make it much easier for the coroner to identify your remains)

A woman is asking for advice after her sister-in-law destroyed her wedding cake.

In an anonymous submission to Dear Snarky, an advice series by content creator Sherry Kuehl, the recently married woman explained that she is “furious” because her sister-in-law thought it would be “funny” to wreck her wedding cake during cocktail hour.

“My husband’s 27-year-old sister decided it would be funny to take her hands and grab a hunk of wedding cake. Like she decimated a side of one of the tiers with her hands,” said Kuehl, who read aloud the bride’s submission in a TikTok video posted on Feb. 20. “Then she had a friend record her shoving the cake into her boyfriend’s mouth for a social media post.”

The $1,200 cake was “absolutely gorgeous” and meant to serve as the “centerpiece” of the couple’s wedding reception. While the wedding planner “tried to disguise the hole in the cake,” it still “looked like an animal had attacked it.”

Now, the bride wants her sister-in-law to reimburse her for the cost of the wedding cake.

The sister-in-law not only “never ever apologized” for her actions, but she also refuses to pay for the cake.

The bride and groom’s families are divided over the situation. While the groom supports his wife, his mother doesn’t. The bride’s “mad” mother-in-law is taking her daughter’s side, arguing that the bride is just “being petty.” Meanwhile, the bride’s mother warns her to “not antagonize” her in-laws “so early” in her marriage. THE MOST APPROPRIATE RESPONSE WOULD HAVE BEEN TO TURN IT INTO A SHOTGUN WEDDING.

The bride asked Kuehl how she should handle the situation moving forward. Kuehl replied that she’s on “team petty.”

“Your brand new mother-in-law does not know the definition of petty, WHICH MEANS SHE IS STUPID, AS WELL AS A TWAT. What her daughter did was disgusting,” she said. “It was an act of violence toward that wedding cake. The fact that she never apologized, the fact that she posted on social media, the fact that her mother is making excuses for her grown adult’s behavior, it was very disrespectful what she did.”

“It was a f— you to you and, I think, her brother,” she added.

Kuehl agreed with the bride that “the least” the sister-in-law could do is reimburse her, and noted that it’s “too late” for a meaningful apology.

In response to the bride’s mother’s comments, Kuehl pointed out that she must “stand up” for herself and set boundaries.

“You need to have boundaries right now, early in your marriage,” Kuehl said, emphasizing that the bride needs to demand that the groom’s family pay her back THEN USE THE MONEY TO BUILD A MOAT AROUND THEIR HOUSE TO KEEP HER IN-LAWS OUT.

Even if the woman’s in-laws complain about the situation, Kuehl said it will be a lesson learned for them. SHOOT THEM IN THEIR LEGS, MAKING SURE YOU MISS THE FEMORAL ARTERY… IT WON’T BE FATAL AND THAT WAY

“They know not to mess around with you because you’re not going to stand for it,” she said. “And I don’t think it’s ever too early in a marriage to let your in-laws and your extended family know, ‘This is me. These are my rules. These are my boundaries. Do not cross them.”

 

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 16 years (eight years married). When we were first married, we had fun. He used to take me out on dates. He knows I enjoy dining and dancing, but it has been years since he invited me out. I have talked to him about this on multiple occasions, and he says he hears me, but we never do anything. I’m tired of repeating my wants and needs to him.

I recently met someone very nice, and I’m attracted to him. He’s attentive and picks up on little things I don’t mention. We’re both married and have no intention of leaving our spouses. We have been talking on the phone only. We have had no physical contact. But when we talk, I experience feelings that make me want to be with him.

I love my husband and our family, but I’m falling for this gentleman. What do I do about my feelings? — TORN IN NEW YORK

DEAR TORN WHORE: The first thing to do would be to end the flirtation with your phone buddy. Then take a long, hard look at what has happened to your relationship with your husband. Tell him you feel the two of you are drifting apart because he no longer gives you the attention he did when you were first married. JOIN THE STRICTEST, MOST CONSERVATIVE NUNNERY YOU CAN FIND.

Is the problem a lack of initiative on his part? How would he react if you asked him out for a date? Ask if you may have done anything to cause him to lose interest, and if talking about this with a licensed marriage and family therapist would make a positive difference. Marriages wither if no effort is made to nurture them BE AS MUCH OF A WASTE OF TIME AS IT SEEMS IT WOULD BE EVERY DAMN TIME I SUGGEST IT.

  

DEAR ABBY: My favorite uncle was a machinist who taught me to respect and care for tools. Although I ended up in tech, I still maintain an organized workbench in my garage. I often get comments about it, and I’m not sure how to respond. Sometimes in social situations, folks mention it, although strangers walking by also feel they have a right to comment — “Your garage is so organized,” “I could eat off your garage floor,” and “My garage sure doesn’t look like this.”

My view is that it’s inside my house and none of their business. Am I supposed to be complimented, support their decision to not clean their own garage, or what? I don’t feel a need to justify, explain or even thank them for their observations, but there’s this uncomfortable silence while folks await my response. Any suggestions? — AWKWARD IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR AWKWARD SMUG, POMPOUS ASSHOLE: Yes. Leaving your garage door open is an invitation to passersby to look. The polite way to respond to a compliment is to simply say, “Thank you!” NEIGHBORHOOD AND MOVING FAR, FAR AWAY WOULD IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF LIFE FOR ALL THOSE STILL LIVING THERE. I suggest you try it.

  

DEAR ABBY: I have been thinking a lot lately about my first love. The thoughts come and go, which I know is normal. A week or so ago, I stumbled upon her LinkedIn account WHILE MASTURBATING, saw her profile picture and couldn’t help but reminisce about all the good times we had together 15 years ago CAME ALL OVER THE SCREEN. I’m 35 now and have been in a relationship for seven years. IF ONLY THERE WERE A TERM FOR PEOPLE WHO GET AN ‘ITCH’ AFTER THAT AMOUNT OF TIME. She has been married for 10 BUT I KNOW SHE HAS JUST STUCK IT OUT THIS LONG BECAUSE SHE’S WAITING FOR ME TO CONTACT HER OUT OF THE BLUE.

I’m not looking to rekindle a relationship. I just feel there was never official closure to our relationship, and I suspect it has always affected my subsequent relationships. I love my girlfriend and feel guilty for feeling this way. I know how it would affect us if I were to bring it up, which is why I’m not sure how to proceed.

Will the feeling pass? NO Will I always feel this way? YES Will I always look back at that first love and think she was the one I was meant to be with YES, and if one thing didn’t go the way it did, would I be? Should I reach out and try to ask for closure? — REMINISCING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR REMINISCING FUCKING MORON: I don’t think so. You and this woman have both moved on with your lives. I see nothing positive to be gained by reaching back at this point, particularly since you know it could negatively affect your current relationship. Allow the past to remain in the past and let it go. DO BOTH WOMEN A FAVOR AND SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, “Chad,” and I have been together for 10 years. We have no children together, but we have been stepparents to each other’s children since the beginning of our relationship. Since we have been together, we have had to deal with his relentless ex-wife, who’s had multiple relationships. We’ve also dealt with my ex-husband moving out of the state and away from our daughter.

To say the least, we’ve put ourselves on the back burner dealing with kids and exes. We have also had health problems resulting in surgeries for Chad, my daughter and me. He has asked me to marry him only when he’s coming out of surgery — once as he was coming out of anesthesia in the recovery room and another time just after we got home from another surgery.

Am I wrong for not taking the “post-surgery proposals” seriously? We have recently become grandparents, and I don’t want to hurt him by saying no. I feel like I need a completely lucid proposal. — WANTS IT FOR REAL IN UTAH

DEAR WANTS IT: You and Chad have 10 years invested in this relationship. If you would like to be married to him, talk with him and ask if he remembers proposing to you, which he has done twice. Tell him you could not in good conscience hold him to a proposal that was made while he was under the influence of anesthesia or pain killers, but you would be open to it if he asked in the sober light of day. Then cross your fingers. WHAT DOES LUCIDITY HAVE TO DO WITH MARRIAGE?

Dear Abby: My first marriage lasted 31 years. He was a nice man but a lousy husband. He died after a long illness. A year later, I started dating, met another man and fell in love. We dated for a year before he proposed marriage. Two months before the wedding, I called it off because he lacked communication skills and was pretty selfish. His comment was, “We talk at the dinner table. What more do you want?” The next day, I told him it was over.

Other than that one issue, we got along well. He spoiled me. We traveled together, and he bought me beautiful jewelry. But he would send endless texts and never reply to mine. He didn’t return voicemails I left for him either. When I returned the engagement rings and some jewelry to him, he told me to keep it. 

I have asked him to leave me alone and stop contacting me. He still texts me about how much he misses me, but he does nothing to fix this. I’m trying to move on, but every time I hear from him, it’s painful. I miss him. How can I let go of the hope that he will one day change?

— Unengaged in California

Dear Unengaged FUCKING MORON: You and this man may have enjoyed each other, but you don’t seem to speak the same language. It’s time you accepted that he isn’t going to change. If you can’t accept him and his flaws, assuage the pain of hearing from him by blocking his texts while you look for a better communicator.: You and this man may have enjoyed each other, but you don’t seem to speak the same language. It’s time you accepted that he isn’t going to change. If you can’t accept him and his flaws, assuage the pain of hearing from him by blocking his texts while you look for a better communicator.WHAT DOES COMMUNICATION HAVE TO DO WITH MARRIAGE? GET BACK WITH HIM, WRING ALL YOU CAN OUT OF HIM, THEN (& ONLY THEN) BREAK UP WITH HIM FOR GOOD.

DEAR ABBY: My younger sister and I were close growing up. We didn’t have many friends, but we were always willing to play games and have fun with each other. At one point, my sister said she wanted to marry me when we grew up. I didn’t think much of it because we were still kids, and I figured she didn’t know there were different types of love.

As we grew older, we did make our own friends, and today I’m engaged to my longtime girlfriend. My sister and my fiancee got along great during the years we were still just “boyfriend and girlfriend,” but after we announced our engagement, my sister became hostile.

As it turns out, my sister took her intention to marry me seriously, and even as we got older and she understood the difference between familial and romantic love, she carried a torch for me well into her teens.

I would like my little sister to be part of the wedding because of how important she’s been to me, but she stubbornly insists on “winning me back” from my fiancee. Is there a way to explain the reality of this situation, or are our sibling bonds done for good? — TERRIFIED SIBLING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TERRIFIED: Your sister is in need of the services of a mental health professional to rid herself of her fixation on you. A SHOO-IN FOR THE GLENN CLOSE ROLE IN THE REMAKE OF FATAL ATTRACTION. She should not be part of your wedding because her presence under the circumstances could be disruptive. If she attends at all, someone should be assigned to remove her if she becomes disruptive KEEP CHECKING THE STOVE TOP FOR RABBITS. 

Perhaps your sibling bond can be reestablished later, but don’t bank on it. SHE’S A FUCKING LOON!

DEAR ABBY: I am dating a man I’ll call Lionel. He’s living with me temporarily (and paying half the rent) while I get back on my feet because I was recently laid off.

Lionel was previously in an 18-year relationship that ended three years ago when his ex threw him out. She still asks him to pay for things, including an $1,800 credit card bill she ran up. He tells me he’s “obliged” to do it, which makes me suspect he’s still in love with her. Although Lionel claims he loves me, he still does things like this for her. I’m not sure what to think, and I’m no longer sure I should be with him. Am I wrong for being upset? — PERPLEXED IN NEVADA

DEAR PERPLEXED: Lionel seems to be a generous person REAL FUCKING PRIZE. If he is living with you to ease your financial burden since the layoff, I think you should be grateful. WONDER WHY HE GAVE UP A PLACE HE COULD AFFORD TO MOVE IN WITH YOU, WHOSE HOUSING SITUATION WAS/IS POSSIBLY TENUOUS, INSTEAD OF JUST INVITING YOU TO MOVE IN WITH HIM. I don’t know why he feels obligated to pay off his ex’s credit card bill COULD IT BE GUILT OVER WHATEVER LED HER TO THROW HIM OUT? and you didn’t mention the reason WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE YOUR LETTER IS BORING ME TO TEARS. (it's raining, it's pouring, your love life is...)

Calmly discuss this with him before deciding whether this is worth ending the relationship over. If it’s a one-time thing, let it slide at least until you find another job. However, if he is forever tied to the woman, find another roommate HIS LIFE AND TAKING OVER HIS ACCOUNTS.

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I’m 29, and my boyfriend is 36. We met on a dating site and were together for three years. He broke up with me two months ago because he didn’t think he could marry me. (We weren’t engaged.) He says I’m the love of his life, soulmate and his dream come true, and I feel the same, but he has commitment issues.

When I met him, I was in the process of getting divorced and ending an abusive marriage. He was the best boyfriend, and, to us, our relationship was perfect. But his commitment issues gave him doubt that I’m the one he’s supposed to be with.

I truly believe that God put him in my life. Something told me he was The One. How can I get him to see that we are meant to be and not to give up on the best relationship both of us have ever had? — TRUE SOULMATE IN GEORGIA

DEAR SOULMATE FUCKING MORON: I love your sales pitch, but the person who has to buy it is him, and he’s not in the market for a permanent attachment. Believe me, I sympathize, but both partners have to believe the other is “The One,” and the urge to commit appears to be definitely one-sided here.

Remember, you met this man as you were getting out of an abusive relationship. He was kind; you pounced. It would be interesting to know if you received any kind of counseling after that prior relationship, because you may need some now to make sure you don’t repeat an unhealthy pattern. THE MAN SEEMS TOO INTELLIGENT TO WASTE HIS TIME WITH AN IDIOT LIKE YOU. GOOD FOR HIM!

DEAR ABBY: I was fortunate to learn an uncommon hobby from my grandmother. Because I am the only grandchild who continued the hobby, I inherited her tools. I mainly keep in touch with my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) through social media, and, because of that, I post my work from time to time. They have expressed happiness that someone is continuing the hobby, so I want to continue sharing.

My problem is that several friends constantly nag me to sell them my items. I work full time, have a large family and volunteer at my kids’ schools, so I have little time to devote to my hobby.

Each item takes many hours to complete, and I don’t want to sell them. Also, if I priced them appropriately for the time it takes to produce, the items would be costly.

I have told these friends repeatedly that I do this purely as a hobby, yet they continue to bombard my posts with demands that I sell to them. I don’t want to “unfriend” these people. They are my friends and in other respects are wonderful. How can I get my message across to them? — CRAFTY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CRAFTY: Tell your friends you are complimented that they would like to buy your creations, but after spending the amount of time you do creating them, they become like your “children.” Point out that you would no more sell them than one of your kids, and they are not and never will be for sale. Say it with a smile, or a smile emoji. But do not relent. If the requests keep coming, limit with whom you share these images (i.e., only relatives). FROM THE BUSINESS END OF A DOUBLE BARRELLED SHOTGUN

DEAR ABBY: My husband puts everyone first before me.

An example: We were invited to his aunt Diana’s 50th wedding anniversary. His father was their best man but couldn’t make it due to illness. So, at the last minute, my husband was asked to sit at the head table with his aunt and her husband.

I was not invited to do that, and my husband didn’t ask if I could sit with them. The room was full and there were no other seats for me, so the event coordinator set up a table for me in the hall, by myself, next to the washrooms.

The only time I saw anyone was when they used the facilities. My husband came to use the washroom and asked me if I wanted anything. I told him I’d like a drink, but he didn’t come back until he needed to use the washroom again. I told him to take me home and he could return to the event. It was a 15-minute drive.

When I talked to him the next day and explained how hurt and embarrassed I was, he thought it was selfish on my part since it was such a special event for his aunt Diana. I was supportive of him taking part, but if it had been the reverse, I would have ensured he was seated at the main table, or at least close by.

What are your thoughts? — CAST OUT IN FLORIDA

DEAR CAST OUT: What happened at your husband’s aunt’s anniversary celebration was an embarrassment for everybody. If you and your husband were invited as a couple, there should have been an assigned seat for you at one of the tables.

You should not have been seated alone next to a bathroom. The event coordinator has plenty to apologize for, and so does your thoughtless, self-centered husband. Under the circumstances, your hurt feelings are understandable. You owe no one an apology for feeling rightfully offended. FLUSH HIM

DEAR ABBY: Am I a crank, or is it OK these days for waiters to become involved in diners’ conversations and actually take over the conversation? At dinner last night, our waiter interrupted us three times and stayed at our table for more than five minutes, taking over our conversation.

It had nothing to do with the restaurant or our food — it was about his travels and all the countries he’s been to and worked in. The last time he interrupted, we had finished eating and were talking. He talked for about 10 minutes. When he finally stopped to take a breath, I quickly said, “Well, let’s get going!”

It wasn’t late and the restaurant was more than half empty. I had given him a 50% tip because it was a holiday, but after I thought about the intrusive service, I was sorry I did it. Any suggestions? — BACK OFF OR YOUR TIP WILL SUFFER

DEAR BACK OFF: Many people would have enjoyed that server’s sharing. However, because you didn’t, when his patter became intrusive, you should have politely said, “Excuse me, we are trying to have a private conversation. Could you please take our order GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND DROP DEAD?” (That you tipped so generously would have softened the blow IS SOMETHING YOU WILL REGRET FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.)

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a text relationship for nearly a year. I call it a text relationship because we communicate solely through texting.

Because I’m not a video chat person, it doesn’t bother me that we don’t Zoom. Additionally, the few times he has tried to contact me via video, we just don’t seem to connect.

Even though our communication is strictly via text, we have formed this bond where we are very in tune with one another. He knows when I’m happy or sad and need cheering up, and vice versa. All the things you could want in a relationship, we seem to have.

However, he travels a lot because of his job, so I don’t see him in person. Again, that’s not a problem for me. My problem is, even though he has much more money than I’ll ever have, he often asks me to send him money mostly to play games while he is away.

I start out by saying I can’t help, but then I give in. By the way, I never ask him for anything. I’m not a “gimme” woman. I will find a way to get it myself.

It’s beginning (I guess it always has) to bother me that he asks me for money (he doesn’t ask for anything else).

I don’t know how to tell him I wish he wouldn’t do that and to ask one of his rich friends instead. How can I rectify this dilemma I’ve created for myself? — UNEASY IN MARYLAND

DEAR UNEASY: If you are asking sincerely how to rectify this unfortunate situation, STOP TEXTING HIM AND DO NOT SEND HIM ANOTHER PENNY!

If you follow this advice, I promise this gamer will disappear like a wisp of smoke once he realizes the money tree has wilted. You’ve been had, my dear. I hope it wasn’t for more than you could afford. A REVOLVER WITH A BULLET IN EVERY CHAMBER, AND A GAME OF RUSSIAN ROULETTE

DEAR ABBY: My niece “Alyssa,” an only child, is on the kidney transplant list. When I had my DNA tested, I learned that my brother had fathered another child.

The information and facts this woman (“Bree”) has provided ring true and are very believable. I have no doubt Bree is his daughter.

Unfortunately, my irresponsible brother turned his back on this daughter.

Bree does not want to pursue a relationship with him or with me. She did have some questions related to health issues because she has children of her own.

My brother and I haven’t spoken for 10 years, mainly because of how poorly he treated our late parents.

Should I continue to honor Bree’s request, or tell her about her half-sister who needs the transplant? — INVOLVED AUNT IN FLORIDA

DEAR AUNT: If you think it might help Alyssa, inform Bree about Alyssa’s need for a kidney transplant.

There is, however, no guarantee that Bree’s kidney would be a match.

Do not be surprised if Bree responds negatively (or not at all), considering her lack of a relationship with her father or the rest of your family. I wish you luck on your search. SHOOT YOUR BROTHER IN THE HEAD AFTER FORGING DOCUMENTS DONATING HIS KIDNEY TO ALYSSA

DEAR ABBY: I’m a 20-something gay male who was seeing a guy in his 50s who lives a couple hours away. For almost two months, we spoke nearly every day and saw each other as time allowed. I thought we had great chemistry, and I held him in high regard. (He even introduced me to your column.)

Out of nowhere, he’s saying he feels only friendship for me and that we aren’t in the same place emotionally. It’s a total gut punch. I feel like I did or said something wrong, but I don’t know what it is, so I’m blaming myself. I replay all our conversations and dates in my head, searching for where I went wrong.

How do I break this cycle? And how can I allow myself to trust other men — especially older men — when I feel so burned by my interaction with Mr. Fifties? — TWENTY-SOMETHING IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TWENTY-SOMETHING: Please stop being so hard on yourself. Something surely happened. Maybe the chemistry between the two of you wasn’t as strong as you thought it was. It’s also possible that he met someone and didn’t have the courage to be honest about it. Whatever his reason, you have no choice but to accept that the two of you weren’t in the same place emotionally. It’s time to move on without assuming that all older men are the same. YOU WERE A PLAYTHING AND NOW HE’S DONE WITH YOU; GET OVER IT!

DEAR ABBY: I am the only daughter in a family with four brothers. My family treats me like I don’t exist. My father constantly hurts my feelings intentionally. When I express how he (and the others) make me feel, I am ignored. It hurts deeply knowing my father doesn’t even like me. It feels like knives in my heart and my back.

I have been dealing with this for 44 years. I am sad all the time. I don’t trust anyone because of the lies and hate I get from my family. I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. All I do is exist. My husband and I are both ill, but we receive no compassion. I can’t afford a psychologist. If I could, I would go to one. My heart aches for someone in my family to care about me. How can I make this pain go away? — FAULTED FOR BEING HERE

DEAR FAULTED: I am sorry for your pain. You may be able to get the help you need by contacting your county health department and asking about low-cost counseling services, or by reaching out to the nearest college or university that has a department of psychology and asking if any of their graduate students could see you (under supervision). I cannot fix your family — no one can. But that doesn’t mean you can’t strengthen yourself, which is what you may need to do in order to stop hurting and find your indignation. SURE YOUR GENDER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHY THEY HATE YOU; I’M WILLING TO BET THERE ARE NUMEROUS OTHER REASONS.

DEAR ABBY: Our son and his girlfriend had our first grandchild 18 months ago. We helped them move out of their rental house before the baby was born and buy a cute little house, which we made sure was in good shape before they moved in. (They had ruined the rental property with a couple of cats they had and their refusal to clean it at all.) We told them they had to keep the new house clean for themselves as well as our new grandson.

The new house is now disgustingly filthy and filled with trash and the smell of cat urine. We watch our grandson several times a week, even keeping him overnight. We don’t ask them for anything, and they don’t offer. We feel he’s better off staying with us rather than in their nasty house.

We have gone over several times to help clean their place and purchased many items to help them keep the place cleaner, to no avail. We are at our wits’ end. We don’t want to involve children’s protective services, but we don’t know what we can do to get them to understand the gravity of this situation. What do you suggest? — CAREFUL GRANDPA IN OHIO

DEAR GRANDPA: By now it should be clear to you that your son and his girlfriend have no intention of keeping their house clean, even for the baby’s sake. As I see it, you have three FOUR choices: Turn a blind eye to what is happening and do nothing, hire a cleaning crew once or twice a month to do what they are unwilling to do, or contact child protective services because the home is a danger to your grandchild OR HIRE A HITMAN TO KILL YOUR SON AND HIS WHORE THEN ADOPT THE ORPHAN. Please let me know what you decide.

DEAR ABBY: My friend “Alma” has a handicapped parking permit. I never asked her why she has it. We regularly go for long walks, and she seems perfectly able-bodied. Alma did share with me once that she got the tag after an accident left her with some intermittent long-term pain. She said most days she doesn’t need the accessible parking and doesn’t use it, but that when her pain flares up, it’s helpful to be able to utilize a handicapped parking space.

However, I have been with Alma in situations where there is limited parking and she suggests using a handicapped space. I’m uncomfortable taking a space away from someone who may need it, but also uncomfortable questioning whether Alma needs it or if it’s just for convenience. What is the proper etiquette here? — EMPATHETIC IN TEXAS

DEAR EMPATHETIC: The proper etiquette would be to tell your friend Alma (with a smile) that unless she’s having pain that day, you would prefer to park a little farther away in a regular parking spot. SHOOT ALMA IN THE FACE.

DEAR ABBY: My son works two jobs and takes college classes. His deadbeat girlfriend doesn’t work. They broke up briefly, and she moved in with another guy, but he refused to support her, so she got back with my son again. She knows I have her number, so we do not get along, which puts a strain on my relationship with my son. He deserves a better life partner, but he doesn’t see it that way. Is there anything I can do to wake him up? — PLAIN AS DAY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR PLAIN: Your son is young and hasn’t had time to gain much experience about romantic relationships. If he didn’t pick up on the fact that his girlfriend left him because she thought she had found another meal ticket, and that she returned only when the guy refused to support her, nothing you can say (that you haven’t already said, I’m sure) will dissuade him from having to learn a painful lesson on his own. NO. BE A GOOD MOTHER AND KILL HER.

DEAR ABBY: My parents have been divorced for almost 30 years. My father is still furious with my mother, and she is indifferent toward him.

My son is about to graduate from high school, and both grandparents want to attend the ceremony and dinner afterward.

However, Dad refuses to be in proximity, or even sight line, to my mom. He wants me to plan the day so there is no chance they will cross paths — separate cars, separate routes, separate seats, separate photos, separate meals at different restaurants.

My brother did this when his kid graduated, and it was a lot of work. It is silly. They are 75 years old and should be able to sit down in the row from each other without throwing a tantrum. I want to hand out tickets to the ceremony and make one dinner reservation, and anyone who wants to come and be civil is welcome.

My son is upset with me because his grandfather is guilt-tripping him about us not “making it possible” for him to be at the graduation. However, my son isn’t willing to take over the logistical strategizing for how my parents can enter and leave the building with no chance of interacting.

Am I right that this is silly? For what it’s worth, Mom doesn’t care one way or the other. — DAUGHTER WITH A DILEMMA

DEAR DAUGHTER: What your father refuses to recognize is that these special occasions are NOT all about him and his grudge against your mother, presumably for having the audacity to leave him.

Because you are unwilling to jump through hoops to accommodate his childish, demanding behavior, tell your father that if he can’t bury the hatchet on this special occasion and celebrate your son’s achievement, you will understand and omit him from the guest list. The choice is his to make — whether to celebrate his grandson’s milestone or continue to feed his grudge BE A GOOD MOTHER AND KILL THE BASTARD.

DEAR ABBY: After his regular job, my middle-aged son drives for a ride-sharing company late into the night. He works hard because he needs the extra money to support his wife (who also works outside the home) and their three children.

I am not wealthy, but when I noticed his car was a very old piece of junk with 300,000 miles on it and leaked oil and water, I gave him $25,000 to buy a new one. I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family. Instead, he told his wife and children that HE had purchased the new car and made no mention of Grandpa (me).

I was hoping for a little goodwill from my grandchildren (who were thrilled with the car) and maybe even my daughter-in-law. Something like “Gee, thanks, Grandpa, that was thoughtful and generous of you.” Was I wrong? — NO THANKS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO THANKS: According to many religions, the highest form of charity is that which is anonymous. Your gift to your son came from the heart, but it shouldn’t have been given expecting to be thanked by your grandchildren. Your son is safe, thanks to your generosity, and that in itself should be your reward. NO. KILL YOUR SON... AND DON'T OFFER TO PAY FOR THE FUNERAL.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have had a tumultuous relationship. Right now, it’s good, but the issue I’m having is that his bed is super uncomfortable and so is his couch.

He spent a lot of money for both of them, but I am unable to sleep or get comfortable on his couch.

How do I tell him he needs to replace them or else I don’t want to spend the night with him or watch movies on the couch at his house? — UNCOMFORTABLE IN TEXAS

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Start by telling your boyfriend that you can’t get a good night’s sleep in his bed because the mattress is uncomfortable for you.

Do the same thing after watching TV on his couch. If your back needs more support, he shouldn’t regard it a personal insult. Then invite him to your place so he won’t feel rejected. BY USING WHATEVER LANGUAGE HE SPEAKS, YOU MORON!

DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is very opinionated. At times, we get along. But, in the past, she has upset me by accusing me of not doing the right thing. She and my son have two young children together and full custody of his son from another mother.

I complimented my grandson on looking after his little sister at her birthday party and was told that this wasn’t the case, as she was being bullied by the other girls while he stood by and watched. My grandson has been through a lot, and I got upset and said to my son, “Perhaps you need to consider the partners you choose!” Bear in mind, this was all done via text.

I have given help with my grandchildren whenever it was requested. My daughter in-law is now accusing me of preferring my grandson over her children, which is not the case. We now have a fractured relationship and can’t seem to resolve it. Please, can you help? — FRACTURED IN AUSTRALIA

DEAR FRACTURED: Your grandchildren all share the same father, regardless of who their mothers are. Your grandson could have handled the bullying problem better than he did, but he may not have known how to step in. (Or may not have felt he was strong enough to intervene.)

If you weren’t fully aware of what was going on, you couldn’t have known the compliment you gave the boy was unwarranted. HOWEVER, for you to have told your son what you did about his wife was insulting and unkind. Begin apologizing profusely to her and your son for losing your temper and saying something so hurtful. If you do, it may begin to heal the breach. NOW BE A GOOD MOTHER AND KILL HER SO EVERYONE CAN MOVE ON.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 33 years. My husband is great and treats me well. We’ve had no problems. I recently got in contact with my first boyfriend from 40 years ago. We have been texting on a daily basis. We also talk on the phone and so on and so forth. All the feelings I had for him have resurfaced, which is not a good thing, since I’m married.

I have shed many tears over him (he is also married) and can’t stop thinking about him. Do I stay with the husband I have been with for 33 years or take a chance with the old boyfriend? He says he still loves me and has never forgotten about me. Would he divorce his wife to be with me? Probably. I’m torn between two lovers and feeling like a fool. Advice? — FACING A CHOICE IN THE EAST

DEAR FACING: Who reached out to whom first? If it was you, why did you open Pandora’s box looking for this man? And why have you continued these texts and phone calls “and so on and so forth”? I urge you to explore this before blowing up a marriage of 33 years with a husband who is great and treats you well. Would your first love marry you? Who knows? Would your husband ever forgive you? Maybe not. Please run this by a licensed therapist who can help you straighten out the strudel in your noodle. BE A GOOD WIFE AND KILL HIM SO YOU ARE NOT TEMPTED TO HURT YOUR HUBBY, WHO DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU.

Edited May 1 by samhexum
to ensure maximum delight for the reader!