In a real quandary!

[+ FreshFluff]

Really, that's NOT the issue and shouldnt matter. There's right and wrong. It's RIGHT to payback money you BORROW....

 

And its quite difficult NOT to obsess over something when you have been taken advantage of. My episode happened years ago and I am still steaming over it.

 

It's definitely not the issue, but I wanted to ask about it anyway. I started a thread about my friend's experience with a (much smaller) unpaid loan.

[P Gren]

Reading @Unicorn's thread, Should any manners be expected when receiving gifts? brought up a quandary that has been bothering me for the last 5 years.

My God-daughter (who I truly love and think loves me) borrowed $7,000 from me to help her pay her daughter's college tuition. I checked with my husband and we agreed to lend it based upon her promise to pay it back as soon as her house sold.

The house sold (apparently not for as much as she thought it would) but we heard nothing. In the meantime she made a few trips to the East coast to visit her daughter in school and then to her graduation to which I was invited but did not go. She is able to fly cheaply because of a close relative working for the airlines. But I am sure there were costs involved. She said nothing about the money. She even came East (she is on the West coast) for a large party I had on a special birthday.

 

After three years I approached her and told her that we were concerned that no effort had been made to explain or pay back any of the loan. She was chagrined but did nothing about it.

 

She and her new husband have a young (10 year old) that they are grooming for the Olympics (not a cheap thing!) and I find I am resenting it. Just last week I received an email from the son asking if I would help his school fund their programs. I ignored it. I feel his mother would have had to give him my email and would have known what it was about.

 

Two years later we have removed her as a beneficiary of our wills. I feel terrible about this. But I also feel used. I can not bring myself to mention it to her again. I have even thought of just forgetting about it but my husband is, rightfully, upset.

 

Suggestions?

For the me the quandary would be do you want them in your life or not? If you do - then bring it up again and ask her what her plan is. If you don't then drop it, it's a right off and move on as best you can.

[+ purplekow]

For the me the quandary would be do you want them in your life or not? If you do - then bring it up again and ask her what her plan is. If you don't then drop it, it's a right off and move on as best you can.

 

You had her in your will, now you don't. I would inform her, that as she has not repaid your loan and that she has made no effort to do so, you have decided to bequeath her this amount in a living will. She no longer has a debt and she no longer will be included in your final will. I would then tell her you look forward to seeing her at the next family occasion. I would also mention in your final will that this relative was bequeath a living inheritance and that you are consciously leaving her out of you final will. This will limit her legal claims should she decide to pursue this at some long in the future date.

[N13]

This is the quandary. I have no contact with anyone in my family (my choice - I would not even want to be friends with any of them). She is the daughter of a very close friend from when I first came to NYC. Her mother was an alcoholic who fell into a deep spiral and I became the only point of sanity in her life. She calls me for advice, sometimes remembers me on father's day and introduces me to everyone as her God-father. Her mother did not want me walking her down the aisle for her first marriage. For her current marriage she had me walk her down the aisle. I don't want to lose her from my life but it does eat away at me. Still torn as to what to do. I guess this is a textbook definition for quandary.

[+ Funguy]

Write that letter BUT then let the letter sit for a while, not just overnight.

If what you wrote is still appropriate a month or 6 months later, pop it in the mail. If 6 months from now you find that you care less and less about the relationship, toss it and forget about her.

 

But do, as @purplekow says, let her know that this is her inheritance and she is out of the will. Bet she tries to pay up!

(Yes, I am cynical)

[+ purplekow]

This is the quandary. I have no contact with anyone in my family (my choice - I would not even want to be friends with any of them). She is the daughter of a very close friend from when I first came to NYC. Her mother was an alcoholic who fell into a deep spiral and I became the only point of sanity in her life. She calls me for advice, sometimes remembers me on father's day and introduces me to everyone as her God-father. Her mother did not want me walking her down the aisle for her first marriage. For her current marriage she had me walk her down the aisle. I don't want to lose her from my life but it does eat away at me. Still torn as to what to do. I guess this is a textbook definition for quandary.

 

This is only a quandary if you want it to be. Your husband, rightfully, does not want to see you manipulated and disrespected by someone you have loved. He is upset as you are that this person has betrayed your trust. You want that person to be a better person and pay you back. She has shown no inclination to do so. Yet, you love her despite her actions toward you. You want to get to a place in which your love is returned from your goddaughter and everything is back to as it was. That is not going to happen, even if she pays you back at this point.

 

So, forgive the loan. Reconcile with your husband that this is money you would have given to your goddaughter after you had passed and you are opting to give it to her now. As a nod to your husband's rightful indignation at her disrespect, you are bequeathing her this $7000 but no more. Ask your husband to support you. Let your goddaughter know that you have forgiven the loan and hope that you both can move past this, but that there are consequences to her action in that you can no longer feel secure in lending her money nor leaving her money after you are gone.

 

After you have done all that, you will be able got get some sleep without trying to move square pegs into round holes. Remember, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[+ azdr0710]

your husband's concern is certainly valid and I hope this isn't a colossal arguing point between you two or even threatening the marriage.........

 

I'm guessing that since you don't really need the money, she's guessing that, too......mentioning it nowadays may be awkward and seem petty and combative..."what, you suddenly need the money now??", she may think.....

 

gotta say I most hope this isn't causing serious friction with your husband!

[Beancounter]

You had her in your will, now you don't. I would inform her, that as she has not repaid your loan and that she has made no effort to do so, you have decided to bequeath her this amount in a living will. She no longer has a debt and she no longer will be included in your final will. I would then tell her you look forward to seeing her at the next family occasion. I would also mention in your final will that this relative was bequeath a living inheritance and that you are consciously leaving her out of you final will. This will limit her legal claims should she decide to pursue this at some long in the future date.

 

Under no circumstances should you accept any legal advice from anyone you haven't met and especially from a public Forum that is primarily focused on escorts. If this financial situation is truly a concern for you (and it sounds like it is) secure the services of a lawyer in your state and let him advise you. In the meantime, educate yourself about what is and isn't prudent about your situation. Here's a link you might find useful.

 

http://www.babyandpregnancy.co.uk/can-godchild-inherit-his-her-godparents-property.html

[N13]

My husband (49 years together and 5 years married) and I are not going to split up over this. But he has made his displeasure known. He leaves any decisions about what to do up to me and is not giving me any ultimatums about it. This, of course, like a snowball keeps adding layers. We are having a 50th anniversary party at a European destination. She knows about it and even asked if she could include her young adult son and daughter. I did pull it together enough to tell her that this one was not for the children as we have too many friends with adult children to open the guest list (about 125 people) further. Who did she think would have paid for their hotel and expenses?

 

It is so very difficult to accept that all is not as I have thought it was referring to love and respect.

[N13]

I think I just have to let it go and hope it peters out when I am no longer the font of support and caring that I have been. She will be staying out of the will(s).

[N13]

Under no circumstances should you accept any legal advice from anyone you haven't met and especially from a public Forum that is primarily focused on escorts. If this financial situation is truly a concern for you (and it sounds like it is) secure the services of a lawyer in your state and let him advise you. In the meantime, educate yourself about what is and isn't prudent about your situation. Here's a link you might find useful.

 

http://www.babyandpregnancy.co.uk/can-godchild-inherit-his-her-godparents-property.html

 

Thank you for your concern. It is not going to be a legal problem.

[+ Funguy]

Simply put: Major Congratulations on your 50 years! Enjoy YOURselves!

[N13]

Thank you!! We have and we are and we will continue to!

[instudiocity]

...European destination. She knows about it and even asked if she could include her young adult son and daughter. I did pull it together enough to tell her that this one was not for the children as we have too many friends with adult children to open the guest list (about 125 people) further. Who did she think would have paid for their hotel and expenses?

WAIT! Are you paying for ANYONE'S hotel & expenses????

[N13]

WAIT! Are you paying for ANYONE'S hotel & expenses????

Just ours. But we have arranged a special hotel rate for guests of ours. We are giving two parties for our guests at our expense. Thanks for the concern!

[P Gren]

My husband (49 years together and 5 years married) and I are not going to split up over this. But he has made his displeasure known. He leaves any decisions about what to do up to me and is not giving me any ultimatums about it. This, of course, like a snowball keeps adding layers. We are having a 50th anniversary party at a European destination. She knows about it and even asked if she could include her young adult son and daughter. I did pull it together enough to tell her that this one was not for the children as we have too many friends with adult children to open the guest list (about 125 people) further. Who did she think would have paid for their hotel and expenses?

 

It is so very difficult to accept that all is not as I have thought it was referring to love and respect.

Talk to her.

[N13]

Talk to her.

 

I did. But nothing changed.

[instudiocity]

Just ours. But we have arranged a special hotel rate for guests of ours. We are giving two parties for our guests at our expense. Thanks for the concern!

Well, if she shows up in Europe for the parties, you'll know she has BALLS!

[P Gren]

I did. But nothing changed.

I know its uncomfortable. I have a sibling in need of frequent reminders. Talk to her again. It seems avoidance is working better for her than you.

[YoungAD]

This is only a quandary if you want it to be. Your husband, rightfully, does not want to see you manipulated and disrespected by someone you have loved. He is upset as you are that this person has betrayed your trust.

 

Listen to your partner.

 

My husband (49 years together and 5 years married) and I are not going to split up over this. But he has made his displeasure known.

 

Listen to your partner.

 

I did. But nothing changed.

 

You have your answer.

[RandyC]

If you havent discovered it yet, FAMILY is the usually the first to screw you, and in those cases, family relationship is NOT more important than the money because it clearly speaks to how they "consider" you.

 

I've made my peace with the money and the relationship. The money is probably gone and I can let it tear apart the family or I can move on in a mature and adult manner. I'm not suggesting this is the right path for everyone, but it's the right one for me. It helps that I can afford to lose the money. Just means less escort $'s

[jjkrkwood]

I've made my peace with the money and the relationship. The money is probably gone and I can let it tear apart the family or I can move on in a mature and adult manner. I'm not suggesting this is the right path for everyone, but it's the right one for me. It helps that I can afford to lose the money. Just means less escort $'s

 

I could also afford to lose the money I did, but that didnt make it right or better. Its more about the feeling of entitlement of others, and that is bothersome to me. Basically, its akin to "stealing"....

[+ purplekow]

I've made my peace with the money and the relationship. The money is probably gone and I can let it tear apart the family or I can move on in a mature and adult manner. I'm not suggesting this is the right path for everyone, but it's the right one for me. It helps that I can afford to lose the money. Just means less escort $'s

"oh the humanity"

[+ sniper]

As the family banker I feel your pain. But I will throw out there due to your (implied) age - in recent years has she been helping you in nonfinancial ways, like taking you to doctors appointments etc? If so you might want to consider that as a form of payment. One brother has been into me for a lot over the years and (to my surprise) did eventually pay all of it back, and while there were times I was a little miffed he wasn't paying sooner, I had to concede he was always there for me in other ways - would take me to the airport, fix stuff at my house that I had no clue how to, help move things, help with the car, etc. and decided overall the money was unimportant. He also had a terminally ill wife who lingered and since I couldn't do anything about that, all I could do was not hassle him about the money.

[N13]

She lives on the West coast and I am on the East coast. Fortunately, I don't need help yet with physical logistics, doctor's appointments, etc. She is here for me every time there is a party or she needs advice. She does make it a point to come and see me when she is in town.