Should any manners be expected when receiving gifts?

[mike carey]

That she didn't bother with a thank you note was disappointing, but not all that surprising. My brother and sister-in-law aren't consumed with that kind of protocol and my niece less so, which my mom later confirmed when I discretely inquired about it.

I'm not consumed with the necessity to respond specifically to family gifts. In my family it was more a Christmas thing than birthdays, and an 'all of us thank all of you' arrangement was more the way things happened. I would make an exception in the case of a wedding. Weddings are formal invitation, formal acceptance of the invitation affairs. Formal thank you notes for all gifts, and often for attending, are part of the deal. Even then, I would be miffed but would not harbour resentment if it were not forthcoming. For my brother's wedding, I bought them a Wedgewood dinner service, and received a nice oral but not written acknowledgment which was fine. I knew it was appreciated when his wife casually mentioned that adding items to it had become a project she and members of her family engaged in.

[+ purplekow]

A few things. A hand written response to a wedding invitation is a nice gesture. If you response does not fit into their response file, they can get out another response card and fill it out and put it in the file. This hardly seems like an issue that should warrant any comment at all except, thanks for the nice individualized response.

 

I am in two minds about bringing up the lack of responsiveness of one relative to other relatives. If it was an inquiry as to whether she was snubbing just you, then a casual mention seems fine. Otherwise, if you were miffed by her lack of responsiveness, I would have communicated that to her directly, perhaps when she was 5 years old.

 

"Betsy what do you say when Uncle Unicorn gives you a thoughtful gift?"

"Thank you Uncle Unicorn."

"Now don't forget it bitch"

[YoungAD]

I'm not privy to exactly what happened, but she now sports a tattoo on her wrist with the symbol of a suicide survivor, so she's not exactly hiding what happened. She literally wears it on her sleeve, as if to say "Don't count on me ever being a productive member of society."

 

What an incredibly cold, unsupportive thing to say. I would imagine that if you repeated these words to her you would never have to worry about giving gifts again.

[njr47]

When my niece turned 18 (and I was already paying for her books at college), I got tired of waiting for thank you notes that never came. I continued to buy her books for the next 3 years, but my last "gift" was personalized Crane stationery, a dynamite fountain pen and stamps. Whether or not she understood the not-so-subtle gift is still up for discussion.

[MikeyGMin]

What an incredibly cold, unsupportive thing to say. I would imagine that if you repeated these words to her you would never have to worry about giving gifts again.

I'm not even sure what the symbol for a suicide survivor is. I tried Googling it and came up with a unique butterfly for suicide awareness. I guess it could be the same thing.

[+ FreshFluff]

I'm not even sure what the symbol for a suicide survivor is. I tried Googling it and came up with a unique butterfly for suicide awareness. I guess it could be the same thing.

 

Apparently a semicolon.

[TruthBTold]

When it comes down to it, give a gift if you feel like you want to give a gift. You are under no obligation to do so, particularly now that she is as old as she is. If you give a gift, however, do not expect a "thank you." The two are separate things and your feelings toward her only motivated you to give the gift. There is nothing stopping you from slipping in a sentence in your card accompanying the gift requesting her to let you know that she received the gift. If you receive no word from her then you can always contact her and ask her if she got the gift or just let it go. If you hear nothing then she didn't receive it or she for some reason could think to complying with your wish. This situation could effect your decision whether to send her a gift next year or perhaps it would not and you would send a gift (e.g., sending it only because it is your sister's child). I would have no discussion with anyone about it.

[+ nycman]

When I give a gift, I do so with an open hand and expect nothing in return.

 

Nonetheless, I often get worried that the gift never arrived if I don't receive

some sort of acknowledgement. Younger adults have often never given anyone

anything, and thus lack the perspective of having been a "giver". I know I

was crappy at thank you notes in my younger years so I try to be forgiving.

 

I have a nephew who never acknowledges any gifts. I tend to give cash, mostly

because when I was young, that's what I needed most. Recently I found out

I've been sending his cash presents to the wrong address for several years.

Lots of cash down the drain. I made sure he knew. If he had been in the habit

of sending thank you notes (like his cousins do) I would have noticed the lack

of a thank you and called to make sure he got it after the first one. His loss.

Huge mistake on his part. It really didn't bother me.

 

Last year I gave a very large cash bonus to a young man who had worked for

me for several months. I slipped it into an envelope along with a very personal

hand written note and a nice present. After several days of no acknowledgement

of the cash or the gift (we text each other almost daily) I got nervous and simply

texted "Please tell me you looked in the envelope before you threw it out". I got an

"oh yeah, thanks!"....this year?....he got a nice firm handshake and a "thanks for

a job well done"....no note, no cash, no present. Unfortunately, I doubt he knows why.

[Good Grief]

I have to say, in congratulations/appreciation of my sister-in-law that she always had her daughters write-out appreciative thank-you notes to me or my now, late parents.

 

The nieces are in their 40s, one with kids, and the tradition continues.

[+ azdr0710]

and here's that gif @Good Grief forgot to include......

 

[Good Grief]

and here's that gif @Good Grief forgot to include......

 

 

Well, shit. And many thanks to you @azdr0710 for adding that!

 

PM (ha,ha) your address and I'll scratch out a note on my engraved stationary and send it USPS!

[Good Grief]

and here's that gif @Good Grief forgot to include......

 

 

And dammit, I shoulda said my sister-in-law has always remidende me of FLOTUS Jackie Kennedy's social secretary, Leticia Baldridge.

 

http://imgc.allpostersimages.com/images/P-488-488-90/69/6929/9FKX100Z/posters/letitia-baldrige-first-lady-jacqueline-kennedy-s-social-secretary-1961.jpg

[Guest]

Did I understand you correctly? The gift your niece didn't acknowledge was given two years ago?

 

No, the apparent suicide attempt was 2 years ago (almost). And yes, the symbol of a suicide survivor is the semicolon, as FF pointed out. Last year she also ignored my inquiry as to whether or not she received the gift, but I was more forgiving sooner after the attempt. The previous year I eventually asked her mother, my sister-in-law, to find out, after which I received an apologetic and belated response. This year I'm chalking it up to her entitled attitude, and I guess I've decided at this point I'm done with gift-giving for someone who can't even bother to respond to a text. Some posters here have suggested that I'm upset by the lack of a thank you note, which I thought I was taking pains to deny. What really irked me was to refuse to even answer a text, which really takes zero effort. I feel that's extremely rude. Have any of you actually had the experience of someone not even answering a text inquiring about receipt of a gift (not just talking about no thank you note)?

[+ WilliamM]

I did not respond to any wedding invitations when I was in the military from 1967 to 1969. In most cases, the bride and groom were unaware I was in the Army. I lost a number of friends. I did respond if someone was also in the military, or a close friend.

[BaronArtz]

... my last "gift" was personalized Crane stationery, a dynamite fountain pen and stamps. Whether or not she understood the not-so-subtle gift is still up for discussion.

 

Congratulations, I find that a very classy way to get your message across. I bet she was clueless ...

[rocky]

I like this post. And I agree with the "poster" that you had every right to bring it up and damn the family responses. I don't care when you were brought up or how, saying thank you should be instilled in you from being very young. It's called common sense, I know we don't teach that anymore these days but hope those going out int he world would have some. I can understand not receiving a thank you or wait awhile after you do something when a death is involved, but a birthday, anniversary, whatever, come on. What I found more insulting was my sisters step son graduate from high school, I gave a card and nice sum, I received a thank you that she wrote, she addressed the envelope and he sighed.

[+ friendofsheila]

So am I being callous and insensitive? Or would you guys cut off the gifts also?

 

Miss Manners has good advice about cases like this. I'll just give you part of what she said.

 

No, you're not being insensitive, you're being human. And humans need to be acknowledged to feel good about maintaining communication with one another.

 

So unless Miss Niece is under 24/7 ICU care or has permanent damage that prevents her from using a telephone, pen or the latest popular form of communication media as a result of her trauma, she needs to acknowledge other humans, especially those who are generous to her. She can even be late doing so.

 

Being reluctant to ever give her a gift again is quite understandable and well-warranted (from what I read in Miss Manners). Especially after she managed only to text you 5 words of gratitude, and only after multiple prompts.

 

I see that many, many others have given you their opinion, so I'll be just this brief.

[+ friendofsheila]

When I announced my displeasure at the dinner, and my intention to stop giving gifts to her, the reaction was "You shouldn't give with the expectation of gratitude; you should give for the pleasure of giving."

 

Oh, brother!

[Guest]

I did not respond to any wedding invitations when I was in the military from 1967 to 1969. In most cases, the bride and groom were unaware I was in the Army. I lost a number of friends. I did respond if someone was also in the military, or a close friend.

Not attending or sending a gift was quite understandable, but was there a reason (such as national security) that you couldn't have sent some simple congratulatory note wishing them well? I don't necessarily attend or send gifts when not-so-close friends or relatives send invitations, but I do at least send my good wishes.

[Guest]

And thanks for the support, friend of Sheila.

[+ WilliamM]

Not attending or sending a gift was quite understandable, but was there a reason (such as national security) that you couldn't have sent some simple congratulatory note wishing them well? I don't necessarily attend or send gifts when not-so-close friends or relatives send invitations, but I do at least send my good wishes.

 

I was still in training, advance infantry training. My uncle died. The rule apparently was I could only attend funerals of immediate family members. At that point, we were allowed weekend passes occasionally.

 

When my father died, my uncle was a member of a sequestered jury. The judge allowed him to attend the funeral accompanied by a federal marshal. He could only speak to my mother, his sister.

 

I should have been allowed a weekend pass -- would have missed the funeral, but still could have given my respects in person.

 

I was drafted in 1967 -- that year. I remember receiving a wedding invitation at that time from a relatively close friend; I had only met his wife-to-be once. While he had a legitimate medical reason to avoid the draft, the invitation was the first time I heard from him in about three months.

 

I take full responsibility. My behavior was shameful. I should have contacted him. I hope this help to understand your relatives, @Unicorn.

[+ poolboy48220]

Today's Miss Manners column also covered thank-you notes.

 

Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I receive our special-occasion gifts from folks back home in the mail.

 

When it comes to our immediate family and loved ones of our generation (older millennial), we'll typically respond immediately with a thank-you call, text or Facebook message. For everyone else, we send a handwritten note.

 

Several times, however, we've had relatives contact us during the lag before the snail-mail note has arrived to check whether we've received the gift. We're always unsure how or whether to express that our note is already en route. My guess is that this is more a matter of older relatives being uneasy about online purchases than it is about etiquette.

 

Should we be sending both a quick confirmation and a more formal note? If so, how much should we be writing in our initial text or e-mail? We don't want to say so much that a real note seems redundant, but also don't want to

 

give the impression that we're only going to be sending a quick, informal message.

 

Gentle Reader: Dearly as she loves a good thank-you letter, Miss Manners does not require that you send two for the same present. Write your thanks as you have until now. If a relative asks whether the present arrived, say it did, expressing enthusiasm and gratitude. Then ask if they have received your letter of thanks yet, voicing concern about the mail service.

[Guest]

I was still in training, advance infantry training. My uncle died. The rule apparently was I could only attend funerals of immediate family members. At that point, we were allowed weekend passes occasionally.

....

S

I take full responsibility. My behavior was shameful. I should have contacted him. I hope this help to understand your relatives, @Unicorn.

While not condoning your neglecting to write a note, I would hardly compare a soldier in basic training not writing a letter, with an unemployed heiress who's not even going to college refusing to answer a text message. The two situations are not comparable in my mind.

[+ WilliamM]

She was an ace student at a prestigious prep school, got into a prestigious private university, where she also did brilliantly until she dropped out during her senior year, for what was described as a "mental breakdown."

 

You do not know the extent of her "mental breakdown." My best friend had a mental breakdown near the end of law school and never graduated . That was back in 1968. Despite holding an excellent job and becoming very wealthy, he has never discussed the breakdown with his second wife, and asked me to never mention it.

 

@Unicorn, just forget about the gift. I am very glad I read the first page again. As usual, @FreshFluff 's advice in extremely valuable.

[kewtex]

No, the apparent suicide attempt was 2 years ago (almost). And yes, the symbol of a suicide survivor is the semicolon, as FF pointed out. Last year she also ignored my inquiry as to whether or not she received the gift, but I was more forgiving sooner after the attempt. The previous year I eventually asked her mother, my sister-in-law, to find out, after which I received an apologetic and belated response. This year I'm chalking it up to her entitled attitude, and I guess I've decided at this point I'm done with gift-giving for someone who can't even bother to respond to a text. Some posters here have suggested that I'm upset by the lack of a thank you note, which I thought I was taking pains to deny. What really irked me was to refuse to even answer a text, which really takes zero effort. I feel that's extremely rude. Have any of you actually had the experience of someone not even answering a text inquiring about receipt of a gift (not just talking about no thank you note)?

 

I understand your frustration. The modern ability to communicate instantly has yet to guarantee instant communication.