Goodnite.... Mommy Dearest

[Godiva]

Hello my Friends..

 

Took a few months off from posting last year but checked in from time to time to see what was going on.

 

2004 was a tough year for me..my beloved Mother passed suddenly from a stroke (it's why the post about Hooboys Stroke was too painful to respond to) This caught my family off guard as she appeared to be in good health. As we all know..and not to diminish the importance of our fathers but the loss of ones Mother is absolutely devastating and reaks havoc on a family. She was the kind of mom that would send me a few dollars in my b-day card even tho I would send it back to her on her B-day.

 

She never once asked me if I was gay or why I didn't have a girlfriend. She just supported and loved me as well as my siblings. I wish I had told her but I truly feel in many ways she already knew and didn't care..no regrets tho..

 

I'm curious..for those of you who haven't told your parents...do you ever plan on telling them? I have a few friends who have no plans on telling their parents..some who will tell their moms and not their dads. No Judgements Please...

 

My mother loved the Bette and Joan classic hence my nick name for her "Mommie Dearest"

 

BTW Happy New Years...to all and to some of my old faves ..Jackhammer, Lucky, Rick Monroe, Traveller, Tampa, JeffOh, Talvin, Benjamin, Derek, Marc Anthony, TruthTeller, Bilbo, Woodlawn, Chuck and of course Deej and many other old timers who I think are re-encarnated We may not always agree (and that a good thing) but I value your views.

 

Now raise your ass and lets toast to another year..

 

G;-)

[+ Lucky]

Well, Godiva, it was a pleasant surprise to see your name as I started to log off. Your message is very sad and I extend my condolences to you. The story of the love you and your mother had is beautiful though, and I thank you for sharing it.

 

I came out to my parents years ago. I don't think my mom will ever be quite right with it despite her best efforts. My dad wrote me the nicest letter I ever received from him after he found out. They both have accepted my partner as a family member.

 

What's done is done. Your course was probably the best course for you. Times are changing and my guess is more guys will come out than not.

[Guest jeffOH]

Happy New Year Godiva! I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.

 

I came out to my parents when I was 19 and to my younger siblings shortly thereafter. My parents wrestled with it for a while, but ultimately they couldn't handle it. It became obvious to me that they were treating me differently than my brothers and sisters which made me feel unwelcome in their home. My last visit home was in '95. I didn't speak to my parents for 7 years. Then in '02, my mother sent me a card apologizing for all the pain she'd caused me over the years. I carried that card around for days, trying to figure out how to respond. Six months later we got together for dinner and had a good talk. She cried, but I didn't shed a tear. I'd already cried a river and accepted the fact that we'd never have the sort of relationship I would have like to have had. It was more of a conscience-clearing thing for her, but I'm happy for her sake that she was able to do that.

 

For me, telling my parents was about being honest. I wasn't going to live a lie. I figured they could either learn and grow from the knowledge or not. They chose not to do so. That was a consequence that I had anticipated and ultimately I made peace with it.

 

Having said all of that and knowing the outcome, I'd do it the same way all over again if given the chance. The sickle of Truth can eliminate people from our lives, but when all is said and done you're left with people who love you unconditionally for who you are--NOT who they think you are or who they want you to be. No longer do I have to worry about such-and-such finding out that I'm a gay or a hooker and whether or not they're going to continue to love me or not. I know exactly where I stand with everyone in my life.

 

Take care!

[OneFinger]

Welcome back -- I've missed your posts.

 

The dynamics of my family changed drastically with the death of my mother. So, I can identify with your traumatic experience.

 

As far as coming out, I never felt it was my place to impose or force that information on my parents. I didn't flaunt my lifestyle in their face (i.e., introduce my roommate with the term "lover", "husband", "partner", etc.) but, once I came out to myself, I didn't hide my friends from them.

 

Eventually, when they were ready to know and wanted the information, they asked me. I responded with the truth and thus began our emotional roller coaster. After about 5 years things got back to "normal" and my lifestyle was no longer something that needed to be discussed. We finally reached the point where the parent/child relationship evolved into adult/adult interaction.

 

I admire your Mother for never having the need to know or question you. To me that indicates a high level of trust and respect. I think it was her way of acknowledging you as a responsible adult.

[Guest ReturnOfS]

Welcome back Godiva

[taylorky]

i can't imagine how that must feel,you have my deepest sympathy.

 

as far as my folks knowing im' a fruit...they were informed of that little piece of info. by my last schools administration when i was 16,and they are fine with it.

[Rick Munroe]

>My mother loved the Bette and Joan classic hence my nick name

>for her "Mommie Dearest"

 

Hey Godiva, I'm truly to hear about your loss (I suffered a great loss recently, too, but I don't want to discuss it publically). However, I wanted to clarify that Bette Davis & Joan Crawford starred in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" not "Mommie Dearest," so shouldn't your nickname for her have been Baby Jane or Blanche Hudson?

 

>Now raise your ass and lets toast to another year...

 

Now that's something I can readily agree to do. }(

[BuckyXTC]

Godiva:

 

Sorry for your loss......it's never easy to bid parents farewell. With both of my parents deceased, life clearly took on a different feel. Glad to hear that your parents have been supportive over the years. Treasure that surviving parent, and take the time you need to come to terms with your loss. I'm also glad to see you back here and posting again.

 

BuckyXTC

[jackhammer91406]

Godiva,

I was glad to see your name and then when I read your post, I felt your sorrow. Let me add to the expression of condolences you have already received.

 

In my case, I didn't have any gay feelings (or dreams or urges for that matter) until 20 years ago. By that time, my father had been dead for 15 years. Having never thought about men that way, when that one guy came into my life and changed everything, it all happened so fast I really didn't know how to handle it. My mother passed a year later, and that first (and last) boyfriend left a few months after that.

 

I often wonder what I would have said to either of them, and how I would have said it. I think they would have been very surprised, I know I was, and my brothers were as well when I told them last year. They are, bless their hearts, very accepting. While they still say they can't believe it, they both seem fine with it.

Again I am sorry to hear about your mother's sudden death.

 

I hope we will see more of you in 2005.

[Bilbo]

Welcome back, Godiva. Salud! And mille grazie for mentioning me!

 

By the time that I was ready to come out to my father, he was older, in poor health, and still had just as noisy a temper as mine. I didn't tell him for fear it might kill him. ( Drama students have similar diseases to medical students. We study high drama and passion on page and stage, and start seeing it in our own lives.)

Shortly after my father died, my first husband died. With that sort of forcing my hand, I came out to my Mom within year of Dady dieing. Perhaps not the kindest thing I ever did to her. She accepted it fairly well but didn't want to talk about it. After a couple of years, I noticed that she was reading books about this kind of thing. She was a librarian. And then, when she accepted me, it was whole hog. She would say to me, as her mother had said to her, and just as fruitlessly, "It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man, there just harder to find." And, after having organized and performed in drag benefit shows for many years, I decided to compliment her wall of pictures of us children with a picture of me in drag. She was a little upset. There was a smudge on my glove. "Honey, we Southern ladies do not go out with a smudge on our gloves." I suggested that she stuff it in the bottom of the picture drawer, but she framed it and put it on the shelf in my old bedroom. "Wonderful woman!" - to quote Horace Vandergelder.

 

To reiterate - welcome back, Godiva!

[+ Charlie]

Welcome back, Godiva.

 

I told my parents when I was 19; they never wanted to discuss it afterwards, but they seemed to accept and understand it, and they treated my partner like a son-in-law (my mother even lived with us for several years). On the other hand, my partner never told his mother, though she must have known, since both her older sons lived with other men in what certainly looked like marriages, and she seemed comfortable with that. She and my mother co-existed like mothers-in-law. Whether to actually talk about it with one's parents is always an individual call--it sounds like it was not necessary in your case, so I wouldn't waste energy on regrets. The important thing is the quality of the loving relationship you had with your mother.

[jakobsen]

I lost my own father nearly five years ago and my world changed. I'm trying to remember who made this statement over 20 years ago in People Magazine (Bea Arthur or Estelle Getty) that no matter how old you are, you will always be a kid until your parents die or something like that.

 

Unfortunately when we were born, we didn't come with Guide to Living manual, such as needing eyeglasses when you approach 40 or losing one or both of your parents at that age.

 

For those of you who still have one or both of your parents, let me give an advice that I got from someone when my father was still alive--treasure your parents while they are still around.

[Godiva]

Thanxs Guys.

 

I appreciate your kind words and personal stories which in many ways are similar to mine. I heard that we never get over the loss of our parents. I hope I never do..

 

Thanxs Again..

 

G