Anti-Depressants or Riding it out?

[Mocha]

Not to create a total bitchfest, but Lately life has just been wearing down on me. I moved in January and these 9 months of pain have really affected me to the core. The number one thing that's causing this is the fact I moved to Nashville and despite having put effort and met several people, I still have no sense of community, no friends, nothing ever to do on weekends, and not in the place financially as an escort that I'm used to being in (which at minimum is 2-3 clients a week. I'm not even getting that). I have no steady regulars either. I want to move, but I can't yet. I can't take classes as I've not been long enough for residency, nor would I want to. My roommate is rarely ever here. I feel miserable and trapped.

 

Everyone I've met is either just looking for sex, already in a relationship, just got out of a relationship, closeted, DL, undercover...the list goes on. Had a few guys who I could have been perfectly compatible with, but the turned out to be sociopathic or immature, diluted with alcoholism. Doesn't matter if I met them online or in real life. It's just one big cesspool of crap. Day after day, week after week. And I try to be away from here as much as possible traveling, but I end up returning to get some mail, and end up here for a whole week or 2 which is too long.

 

To top it all off, I had thought I'd had made about a dozen friends/acquietences. 3 of who were supposed to be close to me. Last month, not a single one showed up on my birthday. These are people who I met with several times. One Guy I thought I was Building a good relationship/friendship with had nothing good to tell me the week of my birthday except him losing his job, and his ex who he was appearently still seeing when he was in bed with me, dying on the day of my birthday. For whatever coincidence or guilt may have it, he has completely cut off communication with me since.

 

I wish I could make myself cry to feel better, but maybe all the testosterone from working out, I feel more angry than sad. I went to the gym to workout, I was too irritated and frustrated that I couldn't even finish my workout. I'm just sick of everything. And really regretting this stupid move to begin with. How I could come across so many fake, "fraud" type of people in one place is beyond me. I can only imagine the Baptist Church and the general Church is responsible for this kind of mindset as most these guys can't seem to make up their mind. Gay men get treated like sex toys, and don't dare ask to pay for it. I even had a guy tell me of a straight friend who assaulted another gay man because the gay man offered money for a blowjob. Not that I condone such things as there's plenty of nongayforpay, but such insecurity and shame runs rampant in the "dirty" south.

 

But anyway, I'm considering going back to my doctor in Denver and getting on some anti-depressants just to help me move on from some of this because I kind of feel frozen. Like not sure what to do or where to turn. I've never taken any antidepressants, but I've known people to blackout or not remember certain things. Also the moods and personality swings. Has anyone ever been on them and went off? Is it addictive or can you get off anytime without side effects?

[Juan Vancouver]

Hey man,

 

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Yes, sometimes life has a way to wear you down.

 

I am very happy to hear you are thinking of seeking help. Riding it out on your own is very often not a healthy option, and sometimes is a very dangerous one.

 

Definitely talk to your doctor about getting on the correct medication. All bodies are different and we all react different to mood-altering drugs. You might have to try a couple before you find the right one for you. I, however, would very very strongly suggest to make sure that you find a psychotherapist with whom you can work AT THE SAME TIME than taking medication. The medication will lessen the symptoms but will not solve the cause. By working with a therapist that has experiences with gay men, preferably gay escorts, you will be able to take care of symptoms and cause.

 

If you don't think you can afford it at the moment, look at your gay community centres. There are almost always therapists that will work for free or at very low cost with high risk men. If they don't have someone in the premises, ask them where to find one. I assure you you will be able to find help.

 

The most important thing is to make sure that you look for help. Not here, in an anonymous forum where people might feel the temptation of attacking, but face to face, when professionals can actually give you tools to get better.

 

I have never taken antidepressants but for some reason I have been around people on them most of my life. The US approach to them seems to be to keep people on antidepressants till they get better or for the rest of their lives. This is a terrible approach because of the law of diminishing results will force you to up your dose again and again until they don't work so you have to try a different one.

 

The only thing that does work is the combination of medication plus professional therapy.

 

If you feel terrible, make sure you call a friend or a relative, and if you can't find anyone available, make sure to call a crisis line. There is no shame in it. There's people out there who are hoping they can help you through your hardest times. Give them the chance.

 

Take care of yourself. You matter.

 

You won't feel better all of a sudden. Something has to change. Take action.

 

I am sending you a big, tight hug, and my sincere wish that you feel better real soon.

[topinla]

Sorry to hear about your depression.

 

What made you decide to move to Nashville in the first place? Sounds to me you didn't really have a good reason to move there.

 

As for the one guy you thought you were building a good relationship/friendship with, trust me when I say you were not really at the top of his mind on the week of your birthday. Why do I say this? He lost his job, check. His ex dying on your birthday, check. Need any more sign? He is probably now as depressed as you. For some reason all of these has not crossed your mind?

 

And go so your doctor and get some help for your depression. Unfortunately us here on the forum are not qualified to give you advise on what you are going through as we are not professionals in this field.

[Mocha]

Thanks Juan....very sweet. My thing too about the antiDs, I just can't see how people would feel any better with them if the situation remains the same? Not saying that it doesn't, or won't...but I'm just curious about taking them to see if maybe I can atleast not be so "frozen" in the situation.

 

I wish I could call someone, but everyone just wants to text. And I don't really know people here too well to vent too...although, many of the gays in Nashville can relate to many the things I say...sometimes. However, they work regular jobs or been here their whole life so they've already gotten established. It's not like me starting from scratch and having to find out who's who.

[Mocha]

Sorry to hear about your depression.

 

What made you decide to move to Nashville in the first place? Sounds to me you didn't really have a good reason to move there.

 

As for the one guy you thought you were building a good relationship/friendship with, trust me when I say you were not really at the top of his mind on the week of your birthday. Why do I say this? He lost his job, check. His ex dying on your birthday, check. Need any more sign? He is probably now as depressed as you. For some reason all of these has not crossed your mind?

 

And go so your doctor and get some help for your depression. Unfortunately us here on the forum are not qualified to give you advise on what you are going through as we are not professionals in this field.

 

I came optimistic thinking it would be a good area to start up. I have a place to operate from, and a couple years ago I had seen several clients during a couple visits. But that was before Massagem4m and rentboy crashed, and it was after that I moved. Now, that's indirectly related...but https://www.massagem4m.com/gay-massage-nashville/ has consistently had 0 guys advertising throughout the entire year.

 

The guy in question I can understand (or not) that he's stressed. It goes back to my saying everyone is either in a relationship or just out of one, or straddling the fence out here. But, the thing was he was doing those kind of things even before that happened. He even confessed by text that he was a "terrible friend" for doing things like taking 2 and 3 days to text me back, flaky out, etc. I should have known, but it didn't really come out til the tragedy happened. That I was simply a fallback guy. If he really was a good friend, we'd of ridden out the hard times together. I live 4 miles away. Instead he's treating me like an adversary.

 

He even sent me a last minute invite out of nowhere to the movies with a group of friends of his I don't even know, on an app called atomtickets.com, 3 weeks after my birthday. I text/call, no response. I was on my way out of town anyway. I just deleted him yesterday.

 

But, I don't want to make it seem like it's all about him. That's just one example. Several other guys did me dirty on my birthday too. One continued exchanging and asking me for nude pics at damn near 11 pm, instead of just coming over. I had met him over the 4th. I should have known he was fraud too because he hadn't even contacted me since we 1st met.

 

Another guy, we've met before, and been chatting for months for when he's supposed to be back in Nashville to see me again. He was here the week of my birthday, HE hit me up first and let me know he was here, but this duck mother fucker didn't even see me, text me or call me on my birthday. Just sent me some old jive time message on scruff wasting my time for 2 days thinking he'd want to meet again, only to find out he had no intention.

 

A 4th guy friend also knew my birthday was coming up, as we had just met earlier that week. He didn't even call or text...and that was a month ago since I've heard from him.

 

....This is the point where I start to wonder If and why don't I have more girl friends.

[dcguy20]

Mocha, I am so sorry you are feeling the way you do. Now you know you can call me as we have spoken in the past.

[+ WmClarke]

Getting some help is a good idea. Juan's advice is very good.

 

Different antidepressants can affect different people...differently. You may have to try a few different ones before you find one that helps you break the cycle.

 

And there can be side effects (of course). Once I had minor foot surgery and the antidepressant I was on totally blocked the pain meds from working! Fortunately, regular Tylenol did the trick. And another antidepressant I was on once caused complete ED and a total lack of interest in sex.

 

Despite that, I think antidepressants are a great way to break a depressive cycle and give you the opportunity to make some meaningful changes.

 

Good luck!

[+ José Soplanucas]

I'm sorry you are not in a good moment, Jamahl. Follow Juan's advice. Move to DC.

[LADoug1]

I've been on antidepressants for decades. Tried them all. Finally found some that put me in a space where I could work well with a great psychotherapist. The two almost always go together. If expense is an issue try the nearest gay and lesbian center. Be patient. It does get better.

[+ sync]

Mocha, you stated that you want to move, but can't yet. "Yet" is the optimum word. Make a plan for moving and stay optimistic about it. Maintain your gym routine to help you vent, and when considering your next location, factor in the median household and individual incomes for the area. Those incomes for Nashville don't leave much of a discretionary budget for "entertainment," and the DL social environment of the Bible belt is another hurdle. Regarding the lack of acknowledgement of your birthday, you shouldn't feel neglected or disrespected because it's a hard fact that females are much more oriented toward the social niceties than males.

[Nvr2Thick]

Not to create a total bitchfest, but Lately life has just been wearing down on me. I moved in January and these 9 months of pain have really affected me to the core. The number one thing that's causing this is the fact I moved to Nashville and despite having put effort and met several people, I still have no sense of community, no friends, nothing ever to do on weekends, and not in the place financially as an escort that I'm used to being in (which at minimum is 2-3 clients a week. I'm not even getting that). I have no steady regulars either. I want to move, but I can't yet. I can't take classes as I've not been long enough for residency, nor would I want to. My roommate is rarely ever here. I feel miserable and trapped.

 

Everyone I've met is either just looking for sex, already in a relationship, just got out of a relationship, closeted, DL, undercover...the list goes on. Had a few guys who I could have been perfectly compatible with, but the turned out to be sociopathic or immature, diluted with alcoholism. Doesn't matter if I met them online or in real life. It's just one big cesspool of crap. Day after day, week after week. And I try to be away from here as much as possible traveling, but I end up returning to get some mail, and end up here for a whole week or 2 which is too long.

 

To top it all off, I had thought I'd had made about a dozen friends/acquietences. 3 of who were supposed to be close to me. Last month, not a single one showed up on my birthday. These are people who I met with several times. One Guy I thought I was Building a good relationship/friendship with had nothing good to tell me the week of my birthday except him losing his job, and his ex who he was appearently still seeing when he was in bed with me, dying on the day of my birthday. For whatever coincidence or guilt may have it, he has completely cut off communication with me since.

 

I wish I could make myself cry to feel better, but maybe all the testosterone from working out, I feel more angry than sad. I went to the gym to workout, I was too irritated and frustrated that I couldn't even finish my workout. I'm just sick of everything. And really regretting this stupid move to begin with. How I could come across so many fake, "fraud" type of people in one place is beyond me. I can only imagine the Baptist Church and the general Church is responsible for this kind of mindset as most these guys can't seem to make up their mind. Gay men get treated like sex toys, and don't dare ask to pay for it. I even had a guy tell me of a straight friend who assaulted another gay man because the gay man offered money for a blowjob. Not that I condone such things as there's plenty of nongayforpay, but such insecurity and shame runs rampant in the "dirty" south.

 

But anyway, I'm considering going back to my doctor in Denver and getting on some anti-depressants just to help me move on from some of this because I kind of feel frozen. Like not sure what to do or where to turn. I've never taken any antidepressants, but I've known people to blackout or not remember certain things. Also the moods and personality swings. Has anyone ever been on them and went off? Is it addictive or can you get off anytime without side effects?

 

I am very sorry for your troubles. I know what it feels like to feel trapped in situations with no quick solution, and to find that the effort you're putting into responsibly focusing on long term improvement has been unsuccessful. I can see that your move to Nashville was intended to be a big step to improve your outlook, and now that move has become the foundation for more frustration. I've met quite a few people who chose to move to Nashville for a fresh start only to find that the aspects of the city which make it an "it" city are not all that appealing, or they can no longer afford to live in the cool neighborhoods. I'm not sure where you ended up, but if you're living on the fringes you really could be living anywhere. They're just suburban commuter communities with the same apartments, stores, gyms... as any other city.

 

It sounds like your "one guy" has some pretty big problems of his own. He needs someone who can put a lot of effort into supporting him through his own struggles and grief.

 

I tried a few MeetUp groups, but I'm not much of a joiner. The most successful for me was a motorcycle riders group. Too often I meet friends who are coupled and who want to do things as couples. Fortunately quite a few of the riders I met were either single straight men willing to hang with no pressure, or married guys who are able to socialize outside of marriage. I don't know if you have an interest that might work in this manner.

 

Anti-depressants can take months to do any good. It can take weeks for an anti-depressant to stabilize, and as you noted the mood swings in that period can make things worse. If you try one and it's not right for you it can take a while to figure that out, and then it takes more weeks to get it out of your system while you test drive the next one. My doctors eventually advised me that I tend to be way too analytical and obsessive about my own situation and mood, and I perpetually fight the drugs for control. If that sounds familiar you might take it as a caution. I also had crippling problems with sexual side-effects, even with the drugs touted as having little to no sexual side effects. I could wake up with a mattress-wrecking hard dick, but it would take a crane to get it up for intimacy with an attractive man. Orgasm took way too much effort, and the sensation of cumming was blunted and had an element that was not pleasurable. This is a lot of information that may or may not apply to you. I'd take away my first point -- anti-depressants are not a quick solution. Also, I ended up in contact with my doctor every week or two as I was going through the process of becoming medicated. I would not recommend trying out anti-depressants through a remote physician.

[Juan Vancouver]

My thing too about the antiDs, I just can't see how people would feel any better with them if the situation remains the same? Not saying that it doesn't, or won't...but I'm just curious about taking them to see if maybe I can atleast not be so "frozen" in the situation.

 

You are absolutely right! That is why it is very important that as soon as you go on anti-depressants you start working with a sex-positive psychotherapist. That way you can start making changes in your life and behaviour that will tackle the cause of your depression, not only masking it.

 

If you don't do one, the other will not be of lasting help.

 

I wish I could call someone, but everyone just wants to text. And I don't really know people here too well to vent too..

 

I would strongly recommend you to avoid the temptation of venting. Venting is a mental habit that makes us believe it will make us feel better, but the only thing it does is reinforcing the beliefs we have about the world that made us feel bad in the first place. The more you vent, hoping you will feel better, the worse you feel and the worse your conditions get. Sounds familiar?

 

The only situation in which talking about your life and beliefs will be positive and helpful is if you do it in front of a professional who will be able to pinpoint the ways in which your actions are causing your reactions.

 

I know you need to talk and share. I know you need to be seen and held in someone's attention. I would recommend to either call a help line, or right now, start googling gay community centres, call them and make an appointment with wither a support group or a therapist.

 

Only a new action will give you a different result. Venting is more often than not part (and source) of the problem.

 

Take action brother. Seek professional help. And stop reading our opinions, which as well intentioned as they may be, might be making you doubt your choice of seeking help.

 

Big hug!

[+ WhamIAm]

You are absolutely right! That is why it is very important that as soon as you go on anti-depressants you start working with a sex-positive psychotherapist. That way you can start making changes in your life and behaviour that will tackle the cause of your depression, not only masking it.

 

If you don't do one, the other will not be of lasting help.

 

+ times infinity.

 

Only a new action will give you a different result. Venting is more often than not part (and source) of the problem.

 

Take action brother. Seek professional help.

 

This too.

 

From experience. I've suffered from clinical depression all of my life. Twice, it was almost fatal. Even beyond the deep bottoms I was at during those periods, my baseline mood was always "life sucks". I finally thought acting on the problems through meds would help. But, meds alone are simply putting chemicals in your body. When the meds work, that simply raises your mood to the point where you can do the real work -- changing the way you see and react to things with the help of a good therapist. As others have said, it can take a long while to find the right meds or for them to kick in. It also may take a few tries to find the right therapist. But, the simple act of seeking help can also lift your mood, improve your outlook and help you focus on yourself rather than the external stimuli you think are the cause of your unhappiness..

 

I spent a number of years going through a number of meds, a number of therapists. My personal search for Prince Charming. And then, it happened. The right meds, the right therapist suddenly changed my life. In the 10 years since, I've experienced more joy than I ever thought I'd have in my life. Sometimes things suck. Sometimes my internal Greek Chorus that for years convinced me that everything and everyone in my life was was less than worthwhile -- or that I am less than worthwhile -- tries to make a return. Now, though I can see that coming, ward it off, and get back to the place I want to be and that I deserve.

 

Mocha, or anyone else who's living with this. Go find a well-recommended therapist with a thought-out plan (cognitive behavioral therapy is what worked for me). Work with him/her to find the right meds. And, prepare to do the work that will get you into a place where you can be happy and deal effectively with the bullshit and bad times we all face.

 

Depression really sucks. And, you can't even begin to know how much unless you've been there.

 

Good luck. Be well.

 

Wham

 

PS -- looking back on your post, it sounds like you're contemplating getting an anti-depressant prescription from your GP. Don't. It's like playing Russian Roulette with your brain. A good GP will send you to a psychiatrist/psychotherapist for a diagnosis and prescription. It might be that you don't need a drug, what you need is a few sessions with a therapist to make you examine and hopefully change the way you see the external stimuli in your life. You wouldn't let your GP treat your brain cancer. He/she shouldn't be treating your depression either. Get a referral.

[+ quoththeraven]

Thumbs up for cognitive behavioral therapy. And Juan's right, drugs without therapy won't help.

[+ sf westcoaster]

Seek professional help!

[+ sync]

But anyway, I'm considering going back to my doctor in Denver and getting on some anti-depressants just to help me move on from some of this because I kind of feel frozen. Like not sure what to do or where to turn. I've never taken any antidepressants, but I've known people to blackout or not remember certain things. Also the moods and personality swings. Has anyone ever been on them and went off? Is it addictive or can you get off anytime without side effects?

 

PS -- looking back on your post, it sounds like you're contemplating getting an anti-depressant prescription from your GP. Don't. It's like playing Russian Roulette with your brain. A good GP will send you to a psychiatrist/psychotherapist for a diagnosis and prescription. It might be that you don't need a drug, what you need is a few sessions with a therapist to make you examine and hopefully change the way you see the external stimuli in your life. You wouldn't let your GP treat your brain cancer. He/she shouldn't be treating your depression either. Get a referral.

 

WhamIAM is on target. If you decide to definitely go the psychiatrist/psychotherapist route, I strongly recommend consulting a psychiatrist, which is also an MD who can evaluate your physical progress as well.

[mike carey]

I'm not speaking from direct experience so judge my comment on that basis. There is a phone counselling/help line here called Lifeline, its number is cited every time there is any discussion of mental health issues in the press, on radio or TV. I had thought it was an advice and assistance line, but as it happens there was a discussion about it on the radio yesterday morning. Part of the reason for the radio segment was that Thursday was national RUOK Day, and people needed to know what to do if they asked sosmeone if they were OK and the person said, 'Actually I'm not OK'. Lifeline's operational philosophy is not to provide advice but rather non-judgmental listening, and possibly the best that a lay person can do is offer that sort of opportunity for the person to talk.

 

Juan commented on the inadvisability of venting, but I see a difference between talking [perhaps angrily] about the fact that no-one is there for one to talk to, and talking about the matters that are weighing one down. As others have said, people need a combination of talking (to an unskilled person prepared to listen, to a support group or to a therapist) other psychological help and perhaps medication.

[Juan Vancouver]

If you decide to definitely go the psychiatrist/psychotherapist route, I strongly recommend consulting a psychiatrist, which is also an MD who can evaluate your physical progress as well.

 

It's funny... opinions, right?

 

I would strongly recommend against consulting a Psychiatrist alone. Even though they tend to have a better understanding of the drugs and the chemical intricacies of the human brain, they are often happy to prescribe and not so fond of treating the behavioural and emotional causes. Often depressed people find psychiatrists to be a little mechanistic, technical and often have trouble establishing a human interaction and seeing this as a human process. "More pills should do the trick, if not, we switch to different drugs!"

 

A psychotherapist, on the other hand, though less versed and familiar with pills and side effects, will be able to help you navigate your behaviours, beliefs, emotions and mental habits.

 

If you can, see a psychiatrist to get pills, and a therapist to get therapy.

[mattr]

If you do start taking anti-depressants please watch your symptoms carefully. Not everyone reacts the same to medication and certain drugs may make you more depressed. If you start feeling worse contact your doctor immediately but do not stop the drugs without speaking to him/her. These drugs can be a life saver but you have to find the right ones. Also if you start taking any other drugs.. e.g antibiotics, read the literature carefully. My doctor prescribed antibiotics for a minor infection and after taking them for a few days I was so depressed that it was hard for me to do anything... Something clicked and I read the literature and sure enough they cause depression in a small number of people. Hang in there... it gets better.

[+ sync]

If you can, see a psychiatrist to get pills, and a therapist to get therapy.

 

"It's funny...opinions, right?"

[+ WilliamM]

I would strongly recommend against consulting a Psychiatrist alone. Even though they tend to have a better understanding of the drugs and the chemical intricacies of the human brain, they are often happy to prescribe and not so fond of treating the behavioural and emotional causes. Often depressed people find psychiatrists to be a little mechanistic, technical and often have trouble establishing a human interaction and seeing this as a human process. "More pills should do the trick, if not, we switch to different drugs!"

 

Everyone has different experiences. I have had the opposite experience with psychiatrists. The one exception was the brief time I belonged to a HBO and only saw a psychiatrist for medication and a psychotherapist for weekly sessions. Once I just saw a very good psychiatrist things changed for the better.

 

I do understand your description of a psychiatrist though. I felt that way myself until I changed to just a psychiatrist. It's far more expensive, but the right way for me.

[MasterMaxRR]

Hey buddy

 

I totally feel you on this one. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression issues since I was 14. I even attempted suicide a few times, but eventually found a great therapist and the right medication. I feel ill equipped to offer advice that others haven't already stated, and most of it is very good advice. However, if there is one thing I am good at, it is listening. Feel free to PM me and I will give you my contact details. Take action now though, waiting helps nothing. Hope you find a way to deal with this! It will get better eventually, but doing something now might make it better more quickly.

[YoungAD]

I'm considering going back to my doctor in Denver and getting on some anti-depressants just to help me move on from some of this because I kind of feel frozen. Like not sure what to do or where to turn. I've never taken any antidepressants, but I've known people to blackout or not remember certain things. Also the moods and personality swings. Has anyone ever been on them and went off? Is it addictive or can you get off anytime without side effects?

 

It is important that you understand treatment for a mood disorder is not quick, simple or cheap. Your GP may or may not prescribe an antidepressant for you, and they may require you to see a psychiatrist to assess your condition and give you an actual diagnosis. Juan’s suggestion that you see a counselor-therapist in addition is a good one, as they can help reveal other possible causes for your feelings of frustration, anger and depression. They will want to know about your activities as an escort and will help you figure out whether it is beneficial or harmful to you to continue in this line of work. You should be as honest with them as you can be, as they are there to help you. They should also be able to aid you in making a decision about yet another escorting-related move, and whether or not that is a good idea for you. You should listen to them.

 

You should also realize that an antidepressant is not a magic bullet, and it will often take time to find one that is effective and to establish a proper dosage. And these types of drugs often have side effects that may change you sexually or in some other real, physical way. You might discover that you are feeling flat, have no sex drive, or cannot orgasm. Instead of medicine, your counselor or doctor may want you to try behavioral therapy, or a combination of several methods of treatment.

[Bargara Leatherboy]

My view is steer clear of anti depressants.

 

Try some good herbal products like St Johns Wort and Siberian Ginseng.

 

If you go the chemical route you will never get off them.

 

Try some exercise too.

[LADoug1]

+ times infinity.

 

 

 

This too.

 

From experience. I've suffered from clinical depression all of my life. Twice, it was almost fatal. Even beyond the deep bottoms I was at during those periods, my baseline mood was always "life sucks". I finally thought acting on the problems through meds would help. But, meds alone are simply putting chemicals in your body. When the meds work, that simply raises your mood to the point where you can do the real work -- changing the way you see and react to things with the help of a good therapist. As others have said, it can take a long while to find the right meds or for them to kick in. It also may take a few tries to find the right therapist. But, the simple act of seeking help can also lift your mood, improve your outlook and help you focus on yourself rather than the external stimuli you think are the cause of your unhappiness..

 

I spent a number of years going through a number of meds, a number of therapists. My personal search for Prince Charming. And then, it happened. The right meds, the right therapist suddenly changed my life. In the 10 years since, I've experienced more joy than I ever thought I'd have in my life. Sometimes things suck. Sometimes my internal Greek Chorus that for years convinced me that everything and everyone in my life was was less than worthwhile -- or that I am less than worthwhile -- tries to make a return. Now, though I can see that coming, ward it off, and get back to the place I want to be and that I deserve.

 

Mocha, or anyone else who's living with this. Go find a well-recommended therapist with a thought-out plan (cognitive behavioral therapy is what worked for me). Work with him/her to find the right meds. And, prepare to do the work that will get you into a place where you can be happy and deal effectively with the bullshit and bad times we all face.

 

Depression really sucks. And, you can't even begin to know how much unless you've been there.

 

Good luck. Be well.

 

Wham

 

PS -- looking back on your post, it sounds like you're contemplating getting an anti-depressant prescription from your GP. Don't. It's like playing Russian Roulette with your brain. A good GP will send you to a psychiatrist/psychotherapist for a diagnosis and prescription. It might be that you don't need a drug, what you need is a few sessions with a therapist to make you examine and hopefully change the way you see the external stimuli in your life. You wouldn't let your GP treat your brain cancer. He/she shouldn't be treating your depression either. Get a referral.

I finally found a psychiatrist who is excellent. Took years. He told me that finding the right combination of meds would be a possibly long and frustrating experience. Lots of trial and error. He was honest and ultimately correct as we eventually found the right meds. He listens and is appreciative of my feedback. His arrogance level is remarkably low which is rare in his profession.

 

Can't stress enough that GPs are not qualified to prescribe this class of meds. Get a decent referral and vet your choice carefully. Your work with a good psychiatrist is a COLLABORATION. They should work WITH you not ON you.

 

Good luck!