Saying Goodbye

[down_to_business]

No. I am not starting another one of those threads announcing my grand retirement from this message board or anything of the sort. This is something completely different. In a thread a started in late January, I shared an experience with you all about a long-term escort client relationship I was part of, one that spanned several years. I was asking advice on how to deal with the escort missing his pre-paid flight and how I should handle it.

 

http://m4m-forum.org/threads/escort-missed-his-pre-paid-flight-now-what.111312/page-2#post-1052320

 

His last text to me was "I hope you can forgive me, I feel awful" and my last response to him was "I forgive you but I can't forget right now and I don't know when that will change or if it ever will".

 

It turns out that will be the last thing I will ever get to say to him. He is dead, before his 30th birthday. And I know I am not responsible for his death, but it doesn't ease the guilt or pain that I feel that those are the last words I will ever get to say to him. I hope you know that I treasured all the good times we shared together over the many years I had the pleasure of knowing you, that you had a smile that could light up a room, that I thought we had plenty of time to find our way back to each other if that was meant to be, and that I will miss you terribly.

[Will Do]

Oh gosh DTB. This post made me teary. I am so sorry for your pain.

 

Convo me any time - I'm a good listener.

[Becket]

That's really a tough blow. I'm very sorry you have to go through this. Do find a friend and talk through this.

Friends are too few and far between. Peace.

[jjkrkwood]

DTB, I am sorry for your loss, and realize the devastation, but try not to be so hard on yourself over it.... You only initially reacted to a situation caused by the boy; you were NOT the cause of the riff between you. Its unfortunate but it happened and there's no going back. Try to get a bit of comfort in the fact that you DID have some "last words" with him and were able to tell him you forgave him... THAT forgiveness is what he took with him... Any loss takes time to heal, but your healing process should not involve Guilt in this case. ...... We never really know how much time we have in life, so we should make the time we have "special" and meaningful. In my eyes you did make it right with the Boy. Peace & God bless.....

[Frequentflier]

DTB, very sorry for the loss of your friend. I imagine it will be difficult but push yourself to absorb the feedback you've already been given to your post. You were not harsh in your last communication with the gentleman, which says a lot of good about you. Stay inside as little as possible this weekend. Take long walks, have some good meals with friends. Death at any age is heart wrenching, for someone before they hit 30 particularly so. We should all be thankful for every day we're given and make the most of them.

[bigvalboy]

DTB, I am sorry for your loss, and realize the devastation, but try not to be so hard on yourself over it.... You only initially reacted to a situation caused by the boy; you were NOT the cause of the riff between you. Its unfortunate but it happened and there's no going back. Try to get a bit of comfort in the fact that you DID have some "last words" with him and were able to tell him you forgave him... THAT forgiveness is what he took with him... Any loss takes time to heal, but your healing process should not involve Guilt in this case. ...... We never really know how much time we have in life, so we should make the time we have "special" and meaningful. In my eyes you did make it right with the Boy. Peace & God bless.....

 

What JJ said....and would just add my condolences for your loss. I am so sorry to hear all of this. He sounded like a young man that had many demons. Sadly, he is gone too soon. My prayers are with you today DTB...

[+ FreshFluff]

DTB, I am so sorry. This post made me teary too. I can't say much more than FrequentFlyer did above. You did forgive him and I hope you find some comfort in that. Please keep posting or talking to someone you trust in real life.

[+ José Soplanucas]

I'm sorry for your pain, DTB. Deal with the loss, but to do not get in a guilt trip.

[jgoo]

DTB, allow me to add my condolences. The ways we grieve and cope with losses are often different for different people so whatever gets you through this is what you need to focus on.

[+ glennnn]

Grief and regret together must be nearly unbearable. I'm so sorry for your troubles. Hugs!

[+ Gar1eth]

I feel for you. I am not trying to one up you, so all I will say is I had an estranged friend from high school that I wish our last meeting had gone better and that I had stayed in touch with better. I think of him frequently.

 

While you may not be able to explain the exact parameters of your relationship to others who don't know you hire, I will hope you have someone you can express your loss to.

 

Gman

[+ purplekow]

It is difficult losing someone with whom you feel you have unfinished business. Perhaps writing here or writing a letter to him will allow you to gather your thoughts and give you the opportunity to write what you did not get to say. Ultimately, you were prepared to move on without him in your life. He pushed the boundaries of your relationship passed the point of your acceptance. You forgave him but were unwilling to return to that status. Your actions were appropriate and seemingly justified. His passing does not change that.

[caliguy]

I had a friend die suddenly about two months ago myself. I had a gut feeling that he was ill and I just felt something was wrong overall. I brushed it off as he'll be fine. I'd planned to get caught up with him soon though. You always think you have lots of time.

 

You just never think things will end one day and you'll never hear or see them ever again. Calls and texts I made that will never be answered. A very weird feeling. If only my foresight was better then my hindsight.

 

I think of him everyday now.

[instudiocity]

The mightiest words are: "I forgive you."

 

Let's all not forget to say them, frequently, with intensity, and without regret.

 

DTB, always remember, even repeat the last words you said, "I forgive you." and go no further.

 

I'm sorry for your pain but you did say, "I forgive you." Rejoice in that.

[rvwnsd]

DTB,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your loss of a friend and about the place you are in as a result of your last conversation. You forgave him, and that is the important part. I hope you can forgive yourself for sending the second part of the text.

 

What you said, in my opinion, was not ill-intended. You articulated what you were thinking at that moment. Perhaps you can ask him out loud to forgive you for saying those words that you now regret saying. It might help you.

[mike carey]

I join with everyone in sharing your grief, and acknowledge the pain you have in not resolving the recent issues you had. As I see it, whether you had forgiven him or not is an issue for your own peace of mind, not one about whether you had told him what you thought or not.

 

I agree that forgiving is a powerful thing to do, but I'm not sure that 'I forgive you' are the mightiest words. Forgiveness is a benefit on the person who bestows it, not the person upon whom it is bestowed. To forgive allows the person who does so to move on, in essence it can say, 'I think you have wronged me and I am prepared to let you off', regardless of whether the person who is being forgiven thinks they have done anything wrong. Forgiving can take the presumption that the person being forgiven has transgressed in some way and needs some sort of absolution. Forgiveness is the way one transcends a perceived injustice, it's a personal, internal thing to do.

 

If someone wants to be forgiven, that's fine, but unless they do forgiving is a way to assuage your own feelings of resentment.