Friend Sends E-Mail Asking for Money

[down_to_business]

I would NOT respond to an impersonal request for money through email, period. It would be very easy for me to ignore it.

[marylander1940]

He hasn't worked in five years, AND has a 30-ish boyfriend? He needs to get a grip.

 

May I change places with him? Please!

[+ bigjoey]

I don't think this aspect has been covered:

 

If you weren't stretched yourself, would you give/loan him the money?

 

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be,

As loan oft loses both itself and friend,

And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry"

-- Pollonius' Advice to Laertes, King Lear, Wm Shakespeare

 

Sorry, Shakespeare queen says this is from Hamlet. However the characters are correct.

 

However, since Kenny always says the opposite of what I say, he will agree with you.

[gallahadesquire]

Sorry, Shakespeare queen says this is from Hamlet. However the characters are correct.

 

However, since Kenny always says the opposite of what I say, he will agree with you.

 

Oops. Fixed.

[OneFinger]

Are you absolutely certain your friend sent the request? This actually a pretty common email scam (and it may indicate your PC is virus infected and should be fumigated).

 

Is the request something that your long-time friend might logically make? Have you asked if the request actually came from him?

 

You might be dealing with the latest incarnation of a Nigerian prince trying to send you money.

 

That's exactly what I thought at first. But, he sent me a private message on Facebook telling me that he had sent me an important e-mail. It's really from him.

[OneFinger]

If you send the money, do not consider it a "loan" as I doubt you will be repaid...

 

You are so right!! I used to "loan" money to family members and then not have it repaid. That really messed with my mind. So, now when family need money, I either give it to them as a gift or negotiate repayment in chores related to "sweat labor" on keeping up the house (snow removal, mowing the lawn, etc.). That's worked out well for family. But, I'd never "loan" money to a friend. It would be as a gift.

[OneFinger]

Why did he contact you? How many other of his friends got this request? 2? 10? 20? You haven't communicated for 20 years!? I think asking for the modest amount of $200 is suspicious. How much help is $200? But 20 or 50 donations of $200 can really add up. Emails are cheap; send out 100 and let generosity or guilt do the work. Just saying.

I do agree guilt is a corrosive emotion. Perhaps you do this on a one-tme basis. I don't envy your position, a good guy in a difficult dilemma. Make a decision and then try to forget about it.

 

My first post may not have been clear. We've communicated regularly by Facebook, e-mail, very long phone calls over the past 20 years. We just haven't SEEN each other in 20 years. But, it not like we've been out-of-touch.

[OneFinger]

May I change places with him? Please!

 

The boyfriend is drop-dead gorgeous, very fit and not at all shy about displaying what he's got. But, this is one "unusual" relationship. The husband knows of the boyfriend and the 3 of them often go places together. And the boyfriend's family invites my friend and his husband over for holidays.

 

I wouldn't mind a young boyfriend. But, this situation is just a little too "odd" for me.

[thickornotatall]

I just received an e-mail from a long-time friend asking me for money. We met in the 1970's and immediately became close friends. But, about 20 years ago he moved to the East Coast with his partner (now husband). I stayed on the West Coast and have only had e-mail or phone communication with him since that time.

 

His husband has gone thru some serious medical issues lately and was unable to work for several weeks. He's now back at work. But, my friend has his own medical issues and has been unable to work for at least 5 years. In the e-mail, my friend asked if I could send $200 to help with expenses. I do know about 3 months ago he did a "go fund me" request to help pay for fixing his AC. No I didn't contribute.

 

I'm not a rich guy and have some significant expenses myself. I'm currently living in a small apartment in San Diego but do own a condo in Portland and a home in Utah. Neither the home or the condo are rented (long story) so I have no income from them and all the expenses for upkeep, utilities, taxes, etc. In addition, I was hospitalized last November and am still paying those medical expenses which have not been covered by insurance.

 

How would you guys respond to this request? I could probably send $200 and find places to cutback on my current expenses to cover the cost. But, I'm afraid of setting a precedence and opening the door for future requests. I'm also afraid that I'll regret sending the money when he posts about his latest shopping spree on Facebook. (He does have a tendency to go to dinner and splurge on gifts for his boyfriend. Yes, in addition to a husband this guy in his late 50's has a boyfriend who isn't yet 30 years old).

 

So, any suggestions on how to respond?

I

I know there are all sorts of new-fangled friendships in this 21st century, but it's hard for me to imagine someone as a friend if I haven't seen him in 20 years.

If you can afford to GIVE him the money with no expectation of getting it back then do it....If you can't and need it returned...say no....I never ever lend money.. do however give a gift with no strings...

[OneFinger]

After thinking about this, I called him and explained that I'm not able to assist at this time. He was very understanding.

 

But, I truly believe his e-mail and contact was meant to push my guilt buttons. I've changed his "friend" status on Facebook to "acquaintance" and have blocked his phone number on my Goggle Voice number. This has been a "point of no return" on our friendship. It wasn't just his request for money but his history of financial instability and the "odd" relationship with a husband AND boyfriend that made me think this wasn't a relationship I wanted to continue.

 

I very much appreciate all the replies and suggestions on how to handle this situation.

[Irtwo]

Onefinger, try this - throw the ball back into his court by responding:

 

"Wow, you're not going to believe this, but I was just about to write to you to ask YOU for money! You see, I need $300 because... [insert some sob story that is even more desperate than his]."

 

Then wait and see what he replies back to you.

[+ purplekow]

I have been approached several times for money and i usually lend it, if it is an amount I can afford. I would never give money to someone who asked for it as a gift without intent to repay it. I tell the person to whom I am lending the money that I could use a dog sitter next week, or I could use help cleaning my garage next month and if they want to come by and help, I could give them the money then. If someone is need of money, they likely will respond differently to a request for workfare as opposed to welfare where you give, they take and frequently do not even bother to say "thank you".

[Guest]

After thinking about this, I called him and explained that I'm not able to assist at this time. He was very understanding.

 

You probably did the right thing. If you haven't even seen each other face to face in 20 years, it seems a bit off in my book that he'd ask you for money, especially that strange amount. There are a number of people I haven't seen in years (just kept in touch), and I can't imagine either asking them for money or their asking me for money. I once did get a Christmas card from a friend I hadn't seen in 2-3 years, although we occasionally kept in touch. He mentioned in his (pre-printed) Christmas letter that he had suffered a seizure, so would be unable to drive for at least 6 months. I wrote him back, telling him I would be happy to drive him anywhere he wanted, or help him go get groceries if he wanted (he lives about 8 miles away), but he never either took me up on my offer, or even said "Thanks, but no thanks." I still get Christmas updates, though. I feel a song coming on. You may want to send it to him...

[LADoug1]

I once lent money to a friend who was really in need. I explained that it was a loan and that I could only afford to do it if he was serious about paying me back in installments. I even specified the time line for repayment based on his own future earnings. The repayment plan was quite in his favor as the time-line was long. I subsequently found out that he was also buying drugs, going to bathhouses, and taking personal training sessions at his gym. I was understandably resentful that he chose these "luxuries" over paying me back as quickly as possible. It ruined the friendship. I learned a lesson. One of the best ways to screw up a friendship is to lend money.

[+ purplekow]

A couple of points about lending money. Once you have lent the money, it is their money. If they choose to go to Las Vegas and bet it all on Red in a chances to double it , or fly to Bora Bora with an overpriced travel escort, it is still their money and you really have no say in the decision on how that money is spent. All you can do, once the money is given, is pray you are repaid or forget about it and move on.

 

There was a Mary Tyler Moore episode in which Mary lends Rhoda money to open a flower shop. Rhoda's shop becomes successful and Rhoda starts spending money like a drunk sailor at the Eagle. Mary's resentment about how Rhoda is spending the profits from the now successful flower shop threatens to pull the friendship asunder and turn off the now smileless world of Mary Richards.

 

Mary and Rhoda's friendship pulled asunder!!! Quel dommage!!!! Oh the Humanity!!!

 

My Lord, if it can happen to there, it can happen to anywhere. In this case, once Mary has told each of the other characters about Rhoda's inconsideration in not paying back the money, Rhoda surprises Mary by adding interest to the money she owes Mary and then buys Mary a snazzy red sport's car, which of course, is never seen in any other episodes of the show.

[Frequentflier]

* I would only lend money to family/friends I can afford to not get back. It makes no sense to stress out your own financial situation if you're not repaid as then two people have financial problems. Lending to someone who isn't a friend means first deed of trust on property, lien on first born or some other form of collateral.

* I have only lent money to friends twice in the past and several thousand of dollars each time. I was paid back both times in full. I am still very close friends with both people and we rarely talked about the loans during the time of repayment.

* Try as I have, I can't figure out how to take my money with me and actually doubt there is any benefit to having it in heaven (yes, that's where I'm going). I have had some stressful financial periods in my life and I think money problems are (other than life threatening health issues) the worst and the stress very harmful to us physically and mentally. If I can afford to help a friend/family member avoid that I will.

* Maybe I'm unique but I fear being penniless more than serious illness, probably because I believe money continues to allow me to have good medical care including insurance. And we all know or read about a financial adviser that insists we absolutely cannot have enough retirement savings (even if you have tens of millions they'll say you need more) which just feeds the feeling we don't have enough. Imagine how many people on their last day on Earth regret that they worried too often about a financial non problem versus a relationship issue and/or something they didn't do in life (trip, more enjoyable career, whatever). Of course there are people that really do have financial problems and their worrying is well founded but I bet the number that really don't is big.

[mike carey]

Once you have lent the money, it is their money.

Always remember this. If you lend someone money you don't have any right to decide what they do with it. They may pay it back (or not) in accordance with what you agree but in between you have no say.

[MikeyGMin]

Imagine how many people on their last day on Earth regret that they worried too often about a financial non problem versus a relationship issue and/or something they didn't do in life (trip, more enjoyable career, whatever). Of course there are people that really do have financial problems and their worrying is well founded but I bet the number that really don't is big.

 

A very good friend of mine constantly reminds me that in the end...you are going to regret the things you did not do...not the things you did. ( He lives his life wonderfully guilt free and this his answer any time I even say the work 'guilt.' )

[sincitymix]

If you are going to loan money to a friend or otherwise, I stick to this little snippet. Loan with the expectation you will NEVER get it back. Loan only what you can afford to NOT get back.

[Tonyko]

My Mom always said there's no pockets in shrouds. And my Dad always said you neva' see a hearse with a UHaul attached. Yes I agree you can't take it with you. (the Egyptians tried ) But I have BEEN in this situation re friends, and like your situation it almost always involved medical issues, not frivilous shit. I've gone thru THREE stages over the years. 1) At first I always said yes because I HAD it and they KNEW I had it. It was out of guilt, combined with the natch desire we all have to be liked. 2) Then, when I had LESS, I still usually gave, but with the caveat IF they paid me back, the $$ would be there again should they need another "loan". If they DIDN'T pay me back, then they could not come a'knockin again. 3) Now, when I don't have at ALL, I politely say I just can't at this time, and often when I "sense" the bite is coming, I head it off with my OWN financial woes etc, that derails their even askingo_O

*The ONE exception I made, I have since regretted. I gave ten thousand dollars to an old friend in dire straights going thru chemo. He said once back on his feet he'd begin repaying it. They have since recovered, gone back to work, and made no effort to repay ANY of it. And I cannot TELL you how shitty it feels to see their FBook photos celebrating their Birthday, IN PARIS. (I went for Pizza on the lower East Side for mine) I cannot tell you how shitty it feels when I go see a mutual friend's act at 54Below (basement of old Studio 54, now a supper club) and "I" join my table late to AVOID dining so I can pay just the minimum in drinks plus show charge, and THERE the old friend is at another table, having shrimp cocktail and steak. (and yes I watched at end of the eve to see if one person was maybe treating but nooooooooo all wallets came out. Our "hello's" were casual and he made no mention of the fact that he owes me.

*my friends r furious at me for not confronting him but I HATE HATE HATE that, it's not me. But I am finally composing an email and saying that I "could" use that $$ now can he begin making even some nominal payments etc.

MY advice to you if you CAN'T bring yourself to do a Nancy Reagan and just say no: (and forgive me if this suggestion has been made and I missed it) Send 50$ and say that's the best you can do, the end.

[jawjateck]

My Mom always said there's no pockets in shrouds. And my Dad always said you neva' see a hearse with a UHaul attached. Yes I agree you can't take it with you. (the Egyptians tried ) But I have BEEN in this situation re friends, and like your situation it almost always involved medical issues, not frivilous shit. I've gone thru THREE stages over the years. 1) At first I always said yes because I HAD it and they KNEW I had it. It was out of guilt, combined with the natch desire we all have to be liked. 2) Then, when I had LESS, I still usually gave, but with the caveat IF they paid me back, the $$ would be there again should they need another "loan". If they DIDN'T pay me back, then they could not come a'knockin again. 3) Now, when I don't have at ALL, I politely say I just can't at this time, and often when I "sense" the bite is coming, I head it off with my OWN financial woes etc, that derails their even askingo_O

*The ONE exception I made, I have since regretted. I gave ten thousand dollars to an old friend in dire straights going thru chemo. He said once back on his feet he'd begin repaying it. They have since recovered, gone back to work, and made no effort to repay ANY of it. And I cannot TELL you how shitty it feels to see their FBook photos celebrating their Birthday, IN PARIS. (I went for Pizza on the lower East Side for mine) I cannot tell you how shitty it feels when I go see a mutual friend's act at 54Below (basement of old Studio 54, now a supper club) and "I" join my table late to AVOID dining so I can pay just the minimum in drinks plus show charge, and THERE the old friend is at another table, having shrimp cocktail and steak. (and yes I watched at end of the eve to see if one person was maybe treating but nooooooooo all wallets came out. Our "hello's" were casual and he made no mention of the fact that he owes me.

*my friends r furious at me for not confronting him but I HATE HATE HATE that, it's not me. But I am finally composing an email and saying that I "could" use that $$ now can he begin making even some nominal payments etc.

MY advice to you if you CAN'T bring yourself to do a Nancy Reagan and just say no: (and forgive me if this suggestion has been made and I missed it) Send 50$ and say that's the best you can do, the end.

 

I'll restrain my comments regarding his behavior, but I would hit him up for a loan. I would pour it on, and have no trouble piling on a guilt trip. The problem is that these kind of people have a hardened conscience and don't feel guilt.

[OneFinger]

UPDATE:

 

After talking to my friend on the phone last night, he followed today with a very nice e-mail thanking me for being honest. He also blew me away with his next revelation. The temporary financial crisis has apparently been fixed. The boyfriend decided to move out of his mother's house and is now renting a bedroom from my friend and his husband. The boyfriend is also splitting the utility bill with them.

 

This is the kind of story I wish I had the imagination to write. My friend's life could make an interesting read.

[+ ArVaGuy]

UPDATE:

 

After talking to my friend on the phone last night, he followed today with a very nice e-mail thanking me for being honest. He also blew me away with his next revelation. The temporary financial crisis has apparently been fixed. The boyfriend decided to move out of his mother's house and is now renting a bedroom from my friend and his husband. The boyfriend is also splitting the utility bill with them.

 

This is the kind of story I wish I had the imagination to write. My friend's life could make an interesting read.

 

So his financial crisis resolved itself. At least until there's a new issue with the boyfriend being late with the rent or moves out or something else happens. Keep good notes, you might be able to sell this story yet.

[Frequentflier]

My Mom always said there's no pockets in shrouds. And my Dad always said you neva' see a hearse with a UHaul attached. Yes I agree you can't take it with you. (the Egyptians tried ) But I have BEEN in this situation re friends, and like your situation it almost always involved medical issues, not frivilous shit. I've gone thru THREE stages over the years. 1) At first I always said yes because I HAD it and they KNEW I had it. It was out of guilt, combined with the natch desire we all have to be liked. 2) Then, when I had LESS, I still usually gave, but with the caveat IF they paid me back, the $$ would be there again should they need another "loan". If they DIDN'T pay me back, then they could not come a'knockin again. 3) Now, when I don't have at ALL, I politely say I just can't at this time, and often when I "sense" the bite is coming, I head it off with my OWN financial woes etc, that derails their even askingo_O

*The ONE exception I made, I have since regretted. I gave ten thousand dollars to an old friend in dire straights going thru chemo. He said once back on his feet he'd begin repaying it. They have since recovered, gone back to work, and made no effort to repay ANY of it. And I cannot TELL you how shitty it feels to see their FBook photos celebrating their Birthday, IN PARIS. (I went for Pizza on the lower East Side for mine) I cannot tell you how shitty it feels when I go see a mutual friend's act at 54Below (basement of old Studio 54, now a supper club) and "I" join my table late to AVOID dining so I can pay just the minimum in drinks plus show charge, and THERE the old friend is at another table, having shrimp cocktail and steak. (and yes I watched at end of the eve to see if one person was maybe treating but nooooooooo all wallets came out. Our "hello's" were casual and he made no mention of the fact that he owes me.

*my friends r furious at me for not confronting him but I HATE HATE HATE that, it's not me. But I am finally composing an email and saying that I "could" use that $$ now can he begin making even some nominal payments etc.

MY advice to you if you CAN'T bring yourself to do a Nancy Reagan and just say no: (and forgive me if this suggestion has been made and I missed it) Send 50$ and say that's the best you can do, the end.

 

1. Don't regret that you lent $10,000 to a friend who was going through Chemo. Pat yourself on the back for being a good human being, friend and knowing What Would Jesus Do. I think $10,000 is a heck of a lot of money and I'd feel terrible if I were you that your old friend didn't respect and therefore repay you.

2. None of my business of course, but did you ask your physically and financially recovered friend for your $10,000 back? Possibly in installments? Possibly in the form of a check for $10,000 in your name to a cancer hospital or hospice if he for some reason won't pay you directly?

3. I'm not trying to take away from my first point but perhaps if any of us are in the same or similar position of loaning a lot of money to someone (relative to each of our financial condition), maybe we should get a signed promissory note. They are free off the internet. If someone (hopefully) financially recovers but elects not to repay then perhaps they deserve the resulting collection action. The lender can always opt to say up front that the money will go to charity if they feel at all uncomfortable taking collection action on a personal loan. You can always tell them you have family members as beneficiaries in your will and would want them paid if you were "hit by a bus".

[Tonyko]

1. Don't regret that you lent $10,000 to a friend who was going through Chemo. Pat yourself on the back for being a good human being, friend and knowing What Would Jesus Do. I think $10,000 is a heck of a lot of money and I'd feel terrible if I were you that your old friend didn't respect and therefore repay you.

2. None of my business of course, but did you ask your physically and financially recovered friend for your $10,000 back? Possibly in installments? Possibly in the form of a check for $10,000 in your name to a cancer hospital or hospice if he for some reason won't pay you directly?

3. I'm not trying to take away from my first point but perhaps if any of us are in the same or similar position of loaning a lot of money to someone (relative to each of our financial condition), maybe we should get a signed promissory note. They are free off the internet. If someone (hopefully) financially recovers but elects not to repay then perhaps they deserve the resulting collection action. The lender can always opt to say up front that the money will go to charity if they feel at all uncomfortable taking collection action on a personal loan. You can always tell them you have family members as beneficiaries in your will and would want them paid if you were "hit by a bus".

HE made the proposal that once on his feet he would begin paying it back in installments, said that was the only way he was comfortable taking it. I said fine. I also said for now just concentrate on getting well. And I joked I had no doubt he would get well and once he was he better start paying it back haha. That was almost 4 yrs ago.