Relationship Help

[gallahadesquire]

Help!

 

My housemate has been getting a little strange ... I think it may be time for him to go.

 

He came into my household after his relationship with his boyfriend disintigrated. I saw that coming, and told him he was welcome here for as long as he needed. (It's now coming on three years, and possibly four -- who's counting?)

 

It's very nice having someone around, so I won't be found dead and eaten by the cat. I pay all the bills including heat, hot water, food ... and do not charge rent.

 

Tonight, though ... on the way home from dinner he called me a misogynist and racist.

"If I'm so hateful to people, why are you still here?" I asked. "Your a misogynist and a racist," was the answer.

"Why do you call me that? I just don't like things people do," says me.

"That doesn't make you racist or misogynist." he says, without further clarification

"I usually don't say anything, because this is the way you act when I call you out on it."

I'm confused and I'm feeling hated and slightly used. This, after dinner with a bottle of Opus One 2010 for his birthday.

I am not the most tolerant person in the world, but this all hit me from way across the room.

 

Any ideas? Or should I just kick the bastard out on his ass?

[craigville beach]

did you pay for dinner out also? i think you are being taken advantage of. what does he use his money for (assuming he has some)?

i think you need to tell him how you feel, be calm and tell him how you feel. if he gets defensive, than maybe it is time for him to move on. he should respect how you feel. he doesn't need to agree, but he needs to be agreeable and telling you your a racist and a misogynist isn't being agreeable.

[Kuriousity]

Here is NeNe's solution to your issue--

 

http://i66.tinypic.com/5lthlw.gif

[bigvalboy]

Sorry that you are having to deal with this Gallahad, but my opinion is, It's your house, your rules...He's being disrespectful. Period. I would never allow someone who is basically a freeloading guest in my home to speak to me that way. Unless a sincere apology follows, I'd let him know that the doors not locked, and he's free to go, the sooner the better. Good luck .....

[+ José Soplanucas]

I feel like we do not have all the relevant information. You hosted him for three years without asking anything in return? What exactly is the deal you two have?

[MiamiLooker]

You don't have any idea what triggered his outburst tonight?

[BabyBoomer]

Did he drink the entire bottle of Opus One?

 

~ Boomer ~

[gallahadesquire]

Did he drink the entire bottle of Opus One?

 

~ Boomer ~

ARE YOU KIDDING? I would have killed him on the spot.

[+ azdr0710]

had to look up that Opus One 2010.....wow!!$$.....

 

just to be devil's advocate, gallahad, but what could have set him off?.....how did the convo go at dinner?.....anything brewing before tonight?

[Moondance]

Has familiarity bred contempt? Has dependency bred self-loathing?

 

Have to agree with latbear that ...

I feel like we do not have all the relevant information.

... but, from what you've shared, he sounds like an ingrate, you sound like you've come to resent your own generosity, and the relationship sounds toxic.

 

For myself ... I'd rather be eaten by the cat.

[Guest countryboywny]

Racist? Really?

That accusation is SO over used, it's getting ridiculous. I judge EVERYONE by the quality of their character, no exceptions. But this "racist" bullshit has gone WAY TO FAR. If I say that a white guy is an idiot, I'm perceptive. If I say a person of a different ilk is an idiot, I'm a racist. Regardless of whether my perception in either case is right (which it always is! ) Being a member of any particular minority does NOT entitle a person to behave badly, be disrespectful to other people, or do whatever he pleases. ..and God help anyone who calls someone like that out. The shame is that these "minority members" have become very adept at playing the race card whenever their bad behavior is questioned.

[bigvalboy]

I had a guy staying with me once. It was only going to be for a few months while he got things straightened out in his life. Everything was on my dime. That's fine, no problem with that. 2 weeks in while hanging out one night, he asked me about my travels. I was relating a funny story that had happened to me. He had this smirk on his face, so I asked him what it was about, The conversation: The short version...

Me: Why the smirk?

Him: I think you're lying..

Me: What? You think I'm lying, seriously? Why would I lie about that?

Him: I don't know, you tell me, but I don't believe you. (still with the smirk)

Me: Do you realize how incredibly disrespectful that is to call me a liar in my own home, especially when you're here on my dime.

Him: I don't care, I still think you're lying.

Me: I think you should plan on leaving

Him: What? When? ( looking surprised)

Me: Now, I'll call you a cab. Give me my key, and pack your shit

Him: Wow..hey you know I'm sorry

Me: I'm sure you are.

 

Sorry for the hi-jack Gallahad...but I remembered this story, and got pissed all over again.

[gallahadesquire]

I had a guy staying with me once. It was only going to be for a few months while he got things straightened out in his life. Everything was on my dime. That's fine, no problem with that. 2 weeks in while hanging out one night, he asked me about my travels. I was relating a funny story that had happened to me. He had this smirk on his face, so I asked him what it was about, The conversation: The short version...

Me: Why the smirk?

Him: I think you're lying..

Me: What? You think I'm lying, seriously? Why would I lie about that?

Him: I don't know, you tell me, but I don't believe you. (still with the smirk)

Me: Do you realize how incredibly disrespectful that is to call me a liar in my own home, especially when you're here on my dime.

Him: I don't care, I still think you're lying.

Me: I think you should plan on leaving

Him: What? When? ( looking surprised)

Me: Now, I'll call you a cab. Give me my key, and pack your shit

Him: Wow..hey you know I'm sorry

Me: I'm sure you are.

 

Sorry for the hi-jack Gallahad...but I remembered this story, and got pissed all over again.

 

Sorry to en-piss you, BVB, but what you just described was close to what transpired last night. Me: Accused Liar, no, but the entire encounter tactless, yes.

 

The thought of "biting the hand that feeds" comes to mind.

[+ Robster]

I'm sorry this happened, but I have to say, it doesn't sound like much of a "relationship" to me. At least, not one that you should continue.

 

Rob

[MiamiLooker]

had to look up that Opus One 2010.....wow!!$$.....

 

just to be devil's advocate, gallahad, but what could have set him off?.....how did the convo go at dinner?.....anything brewing before tonight?

It appears this significant bit of the story is left to the reader to surmise.

[+ Truereview]

Gallahad, I think you already know your answer and you are simply looking for confirmation. That's how it lands on me. Also, if I invite someone else to move in with no bills to pay or a specific arrangement, by making that decision, i should relinquish my right to hold that over their head. Otherwise, the friendship/relationship/whatever is all about financial control and co-dependency. I have a funny feeling your roommate believes he is paying you back by being your companion - case in point, he drank the Opus with you, otherwise, you woulda (possibly) been drinking it alone. I say you take sometime processing your emotions and weighing whether his company matters more to you than his attitude. Sending you good vibes, - TR

[jawjateck]

Manners are in serious decline. I won't bother to go into a recent episode with a young man staying in my accommodation, but suffice to say, his high maintenance propensity has made him unwelcome.

 

I wish Oliver (our pre-eminent gentleman) would establish a finishing school. I would send some young-uns there on "scholarship".

[Phil_musc]

Three years - going on four, but who's counting? Huh? Time to get moving, I think.

[gallahadesquire]

Post in haste, repent at leisure.

[BaronArtz]

Gallahad, I think you already know your answer and you are simply looking for confirmation. That's how it lands on me. Also, if I invite someone else to move in with no bills to pay or a specific arrangement, by making that decision, i should relinquish my right to hold that over their head. Otherwise, the friendship/relationship/whatever is all about financial control and co-dependency. I have a funny feeling your roommate believes he is paying you back by being your companion - case in point, he drank the Opus with you, otherwise, you woulda (possibly) been drinking it alone. I say you take sometime processing your emotions and weighing whether his company matters more to you than his attitude. Sending you good vibes, - TR

 

I agree with that. In addition, if he - much like BVB's boy - lives in fear thinking that he can be 'thrown out anytime', that doesn't make for a happy situation. This is almost designed to fail. Maybe this would be a good time to establish what the 'deal' is ...

[Jock123]

Any ideas? Or should I just kick the bastard out on his ass?

 

 

 

I had a guy staying with me once. It was only going to be for a few months while he got things straightened out in his life. Everything was on my dime. That's fine, no problem with that. 2 weeks in while hanging out one night, he asked me about my travels. I was relating a funny story that had happened to me. He had this smirk on his face, so I asked him what it was about, The conversation: The short version...

Me: Why the smirk?

Him: I think you're lying..

Me: What? You think I'm lying, seriously? Why would I lie about that?

Him: I don't know, you tell me, but I don't believe you. (still with the smirk)

Me: Do you realize how incredibly disrespectful that is to call me a liar in my own home, especially when you're here on my dime.

Him: I don't care, I still think you're lying.

Me: I think you should plan on leaving

Him: What? When? ( looking surprised)

Me: Now, I'll call you a cab. Give me my key, and pack your shit

Him: Wow..hey you know I'm sorry

Me: I'm sure you are.

 

Sorry for the hi-jack Gallahad...but I remembered this story, and got pissed all over again.

 

 

 

2 Weeks and Three Years is a BIG Difference. @gallahadesquire If You really feel compelled to have him go PLEASE give him a Month to 3 Months notice. "I think You should start looking for somewhere else to stay, Its been great having You here but Its becoming that time we both move forward..Ill give You a few months to be out." I'm a big believer on not burning Bridges, Plus I would feel terrible just putting someone out on the street without giving them the chance to find somewhere else to live.

[+ honcho]

Post in haste, repent at leisure.

I "liked" this post, and the "unliked", and then thought I better explain.

 

I totally empathize with Gallahad(, Esq.), sorry that his companionship situation is fraying apart,

and have all-too-often written things in public forums which I regretted later.

[+ Truereview]

I "liked" this post, and the "unliked", and then thought I better explain.

 

I totally empathize with Gallahad(, Esq.), sorry that his companionship situation is fraying apart,

and have all-too-often written things in public forums which I regretted later.

Honcho, you are always so sensible. I can't recall the actual quote, but I know it was Kierkegaard that said something like: do it or do not do it, you will regret both. I always choose to do it and live with consequences. Once I die and assess my life, I'll let ya know how it worked out.

[bigvalboy]

2 Weeks and Three Years is a BIG Difference. @gallahadesquire If You really feel compelled to have him go PLEASE give him a Month to 3 Months notice. "I think You should start looking for somewhere else to stay, Its been great having You here but Its becoming that time we both move forward..Ill give You a few months to be out." I'm a big believer on not burning Bridges, Plus I would feel terrible just putting someone out on the street without giving them the chance to find somewhere else to live.

 

I understand what you are saying, and I understand you think that I lacked compassion, but the situation was problematic from the start, on many levels. I had bent over backwards to accommodate him (Figuratively, not literally). Accusing me of lying was the last straw. My home is my only sanctuary, and I am fiercely protective of that personal space. If someone is invited in... (he arrived unannounced BTW) then they come in as my guest, and they need to act accordingly. I'm not their father, I'm not a shelter or some youth center, and I can't teach them how they should behave nor save their life, though God knows I've tried countless times. If someone is 25 years old and needs help with learning life's lessons, then I'm not that guy. What I am, is just some guy who has extended a generous hand in compassion, but bite that hand, and I will be quick to show you the door...Sorry.

[Rudynate]

Gallahad, I think you already know your answer and you are simply looking for confirmation. That's how it lands on me. Also, if I invite someone else to move in with no bills to pay or a specific arrangement, by making that decision, i should relinquish my right to hold that over their head. Otherwise, the friendship/relationship/whatever is all about financial control and co-dependency. I have a funny feeling your roommate believes he is paying you back by being your companion - case in point, he drank the Opus with you, otherwise, you woulda (possibly) been drinking it alone. I say you take sometime processing your emotions and weighing whether his company matters more to you than his attitude. Sending you good vibes, - TR

 

 

Agree. Supporting another adult for such an extended period of time is an unnatural situation, unless he is your dependent or your spouse. Expecting him to display flawless manners in return for your kindness over a period of years is subjecting him to a sort of pressure that he shouldn't have to live with. To be sure, he should have figured that out and moved out a long time ago. But it's not within the realm of reason to expect him to be flawlessly charming every moment of every day over such an extended period. I think he should move out, not because he should be punished for mouthing off, but because it's time for him to get on with his life.