My Two Heads Are In Opposition

[+ purplekow]

I think it's smart of you to be getting outside opinions.

 

Miss Manners says, "When in doubt, don't."

Are you out in your community? Do your students know you are gay? Do your students known you sleep with relatively young men?

Are you comfortable with that information becoming public knowledge in your school. A 19 year probably knows a bunch of 19 years old and how many of them have siblings who are younger and attend your school.

If you are comfortable with the possibility of this information becoming known to students in your school, then proceed with caution. If you are not, start looking for slightly older partners.

[+ quoththeraven]

I'm 58. And while the occasional young one likes me, it's not because I'm attractive. It's due to me being a Daddy type.

 

I looked into the law. As long as you aren't in a position of authority over an underage person (e.g. not their teacher), the legal age of consent is 16. I'm hoping I can tell if the guy looks 15.

 

That may be the law, but you also have to be concerned about perception. As PK notes, news could get around. If he's 19, that doesn't really matter.

 

But if he's somewhere between age 16 and 19 (especially between 16 and 18), using the "as long as I'm not his teacher, the legal age of consent is 16" defense may protect you from criminal charges, but that may not matter if no one knew before that you're gay and the news gets around that you slept with someone your students' age. That he's not your student will not eliminate the perception that this means you could or do have a sexual interest in some of your students and the reinforcement of some people's view that gay men are pedophiles and predators. Is that really worth it?

[ZCochrane]

That he's not your student will not eliminate the perception that this means you could or do have a sexual interest in some of your students and the reinforcement of some people's view that gay men are pedophiles and predators. Is that really worth it?

 

That to some extent had bothered me. But I'm about to move away to school, and I can't always be thinking of the effect on the community.

 

What would be more of a concern is that I don't want my brain to start becoming more interested in guys that young.

 

I'm also slightly worried the kid may have some ulterior motive aside from getting laid although that may only be my paranoia.

[LADoug1]

If it comes out publicly that you slept with a guy whose only slightly older than your students, you're risking your reputation and your job. Not worth it.

[BaronArtz]

I am with QTR on this. The perception of a 58 year old teacher having a fling with a guy close in age to his students is something you need to think about. Do you live in a small town, or in a community where 'everybody knows everybody' so to speak? Will this have a consequence on your status as a teacher, if this becomes widely known? Or do you live in a large city where anonymous flings go entirely unnoticed?

 

The other thing is this: why would a 19 year old have an interest in a 58 year old? Sure, there is the 'daddy' thing. You feel flattered, no doubt. But ask yourself the question what his motivation truly could be. I hope it is not one of your students playing a prank on you.

[MikeyGMin]

I told my friend that likes them really young that I mentioned him on this board. He said that he actually has them send him a picture of their ID before he will even arrange to meet up and then checks it again when he gets there. He has had a few guys refuse, but generally they cooperate. The naivety of youth! Would any of you send a picture of your ID to a Grindr hookup? Kids!

[+ poolboy48220]

A casual acquaintance taught high school science and took up stripping at the local dancer boy club. He said "I've got tenure, they can't do anything to me". I thought he was crazy. Tenure or not, I could just imagine the news stories and frantic parents. Nothing ever did happen, though.

[+ quoththeraven]

A casual acquaintance taught high school science and took up stripping at the local dancer boy club. He said "I've got tenure, they can't do anything to me". I thought he was crazy. Tenure or not, I could just imagine the news stories and frantic parents. Nothing ever did happen, though.

 

Tenure does not prevent removal for cause. Some parents and administrators would consider this cause, just as most judges would take sex work into account in awarding custody.

 

Your friend was either never found out or fortunate.

[+ WilliamM]

 

But I'm about to move away to school, and I can't always be thinking of the effect on the community.

 

As a teacher, you are a public figure in your community. People gossip. How can you justify not thinking of the effect on the community. It would be very different if this new male interest was older, but he's not.

[ZCochrane]

As a teacher, you are a public figure in your community. People gossip. How can you justify not thinking of the effect on the community. It would be very different if this new male interest was older, but he's not.

 

Because I'm almost done with this town. I'm moving out of state.

[+ José Soplanucas]

Because I'm almost done with this town. I'm moving out of state.

 

Jaque Mate. Go for it.

[ZCochrane]

The other thing is this: why would a 19 year old have an interest in a 58 year old? Sure, there is the 'daddy' thing. You feel flattered, no doubt. But ask yourself the question what his motivation truly could be. I hope it is not one of your students playing a prank on you.

 

I wondered about this. I'm reasonably sure it's not. But I won't know unless I actually meet him.

[ZCochrane]

The meet-up will probably never happen. He seems to be on the squirrely side.

[+ dutchmuch]

Go see the movie "Boy Next Door".

[+ WilliamM]

Because I'm almost done with this town. I'm moving out of state.

 

You still have a reputation to protect. Also, your response is disappointing for a teacher.

[+ deej]

I looked into the law. As long as you aren't in a position of authority over an underage person (e.g. not their teacher), the legal age of consent is 16. I'm hoping I can tell if the guy looks 15.

 

You can't. Nobody can. Ask for ID.

 

At that age, some boys are fully mature young men and some kids stay really young looking for many years beyond the age of consent.

 

DO NOT JUDGE THIS BOOK BY ITS COVER. Verify.

[AndreFuture]

At that age, some boys are fully mature young men and some kids stay really young looking for many years beyond the age of consent.

I would be a perfect example of the latter.

[rvwnsd]

The word "community" has multiple meanings, three of which are being used here, as follows:

 

1. The area in which you currently live. Apparently, you have little concern for your reputation in the area in which you live, else you wouldn't have made the statement about not caring because you are moving out of state. Not arguing for or against, simply observing based on the statements you've made.
   
2. Your profession. Although I cannot speak for the teaching profession, the banking profession, of which I am part, is a small world. Word gets around.
   
3. The collection of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, and queer people collectively known as the LGBT Community. Those are the people who have been fighting an image that they are child molesters for a very long time. Although a 19 year old is not a child, he is a year older than kids you teach.
   

Why am I posting this? Because messing around with a 19 year old, or someone you think is 19, could have consequences that would affect your career due to rumblings in one or more of the communities in which you serve.

[ZCochrane]

You still have a reputation to protect. Also, your response is disappointing for a teacher.

 

 

You've already said my question made you think about a similar situation in your life. I don't want to get into a fight. I think you've decided against it and have now decided to be my judge. I would definitely agree with you if this guy were under age, had ever been my student, and would probably agree if he even gone to my school. None of that is true. I have no real ties to the community at large here anymore. This will also not be the this guy's first time. I know he drives (which actually is a good (not perfect) indication he's not 15) and has a job. Assuming this guy is really interested, I think I've done fairly good due diligence about the situation.

[MikeyGMin]

Dude. Lets be real. You already had your mind made up before the original post. I don't think you got the encouragement you were hoping to find, but you're going to do what you're going to do.

 

Go out and screw the little scamp. Just don't be surprised if it's a scam or he is a total flake. And for God's sake check his ID. Then just hope there are no repercussions down the road.

[ZCochrane]

Dude. Lets be real. You already had your mind made up before the original post. I don't think you got the encouragement you were hoping to find, but you're going to do what you're going to do.

 

Go out and screw the little scamp. Just don't be surprised if it's a scam or he is a total flake. And for God's sake check his ID. Then just hope there are no repercussions down the road.

 

 

I was waiting for someone to say this. Someone always does. As it is, I'm of two minds still. We came close to meeting the other night. But by the time we would have met, it would have been 4 AM. And I wasn't 'up' for it in more ways than one.

 

I know all the negatives of doing it, I wanted to see if anyone thought I should go for it. Some people do think it's ok. I'm still thinking.

[Guest]

You still have a reputation to protect. Also, your response is disappointing for a teacher.

http://wp.production.patheos.com/blogs/exploringourmatrix/files/2015/02/wpid-Photo-20150226224611631.jpg

[LADoug1]

Because I'm almost done with this town. I'm moving out of state.

Reputation follows you. If you were fired how would you explain this to a potential new employer?

[+ newatthis]

...

What would be more of a concern is that I don't want my brain to start becoming more interested in guys that young.

 

I'm also slightly worried the kid may have some ulterior motive aside from getting laid although that may only be my paranoia.

I had skipped over this thread when it first appeared and so just got to read several days' worth of conversation. ZC -- you seem to have your (big ) head firmly on your shoulders and are thinking about this calmly and rationally, despite the implication that your smaller head is leading you around. You know all the due diligence that is necessary. You have already, it appears, had multiple conversations with this guy. If you are still interested and curious, now is the time to move to the next step. Maybe he will balk at proving his age -- then you're done. If not, it's an adventure. We become more cautious -- maybe overcautious -- with age. In 5 years, if/when such an an opportunity again presents itself, you will be even more reluctant to try.

 

I wouldn't worry about suddenly developing a taste for 19-year olds. Even if you do, I suspect it's a fantasy with limits -- the percentage who will be interested in you is not very large.

 

You've got me, at least, on the edge of my chair -- I hope you will report back. Good luck!

[Rod Hagen]

Bachardy was 18. .

Bachardy was NOT 18. I love them both, but he was not 18