when the inevitable happens.....

[Jake_Raleigh]

Hey guys,

I wanted to get feedback from some escorts who have developed a good friendship with their clients and then the worst news happens, the client gets the bad news of a terminal illness and only has a short time left on this planet. I had this happen recently and I am very sadden by it. Because, over the years, there was a bond of a friendship that went beyond the client/escort relationship. Do you respect their wishes to be alone in their last few weeks/months or do you try to bring joy and comfort to them, even if it is by phone? To me, this is no longer a "working" connection, it is a "friend" connection wanting to reach out. Any suggestions on how to be respectful but being supportive/caring during the remaining days? Anyone go through something similar till the end, and if so, mind me asking how it played out?

 

J.

[+ not2rowdy]

Jake, I’m not an escort. But I am aging and recognizing my mortality. So I’m trying to approach your question as if I received a prognosis today that I had only a short time remaining.

 

I would likely be going through some version of the Seven Stages of Grief - as I suspect your friend is.

 

So I would not want to impose my grief on you. And while I would likely try to cool our relationship that would be to save YOU the pain of MY grief.

 

But everyone has a different personality. And everyone will approach death differently.

 

But, in my heart, I would likely appreciate it if you reached out and said something to the effect that you are there - and could be a support asset. And then periodically connect with an email, phone call or cup of coffee together.

[Juan Vancouver]

Do you respect their wishes to be alone in their last few weeks/months or do you try to bring joy and comfort to them, even if it is by phone?

 

Hey Jake,

 

I am sorry for what you are going through. Having a friend going through a terminal illness is one of the hardest things I can think of. I hope you will be able to take good care of yourself so that you are healthy in case your help is needed.

 

Whether it is a friend, or a client or a relative, I would let them know right away that I am there for them and that I would like to be of support in whatever way is needed, provided I really was willing. If they asked me to give them space or back off or contact them again at a later date I would again express my sincere desire to be of support, but I would immediately and without doubts respect their request.

 

I have witnessed a lot of people make the transition through a terminal illness. I have witness two main ways of doing it. One of them tries hard to please everyone around them, endure attentions they don't need and use their last precious time making sure people around them are okay. The other type realizes that time is short and it is up to them to decide how and with whom they spend that time.

 

Sometimes when overwhelmed by our own grief we tend to overlook the ailing persons's wishes and many people do it for different reasons. Some to show others how committed and close they are, some because they want to be of service, some because it's an instinctive reaction, some because they want to assuage some guilt. Almost all of those reasons are self based and put your needs before theirs. At this time, the only loving thing to do is to understand and honour the ailing person's wishes and needs.

 

It's their time. They should have the choice.

 

I send you a tight hug and my best wishes.

 

Juan

[Daverwr]

Hey Jake,

 

I know this is "Ask An Escort" not "Ask A Client", but as I, myself, am going through the grieving process now, I thought I'd weigh in.

 

I would suggest a brief card - saying that while you started as a Escort/Client relationship, over time you have come to know him much more as a close friend. And, as a close friend, you are willing to offer anything needed, whether it be an ear, a shoulder, company or just nothing at all. This way you can let him know how much you care, as a friend. Yet ultimately, allow him to react with what he needs.

 

Take care.

 

Sending good thoughts your way. David

[+ purplekow]

When my wife was ill, many ignored us either to protect themselves or honor presumed requests for privacy. Some friends offered help and disappeared. A few called to inquire if anything was needed. One showed up unexpectedly with a large pot of homemade pea soup with a brief note and left after a very brief visit. Neither my wife nor i liked pea soup, but that soup was wonderful and probably in large part because of the thoughtfulness of those very kind people.

There was an article a long time ago in the Reader's Digest which i still recall. (There was always an old Reader's Digest in the bathroom in my parent's home). In the referenced article, a woman wrote an open letter of gratitude to a neighbor. The neighbor appeared at the author's home and while the author was grieving the loss of her mother and did not feel she wanted to talk, the neighbor, polished the family member's shoes and set them out for wear at the funeral and then left.

You can sometimes be there, by just being there and doing what needs to be done, even if it is not flashy.

[Daverwr]

Very touching, Purple. It brought a tear to my eye.

[Epigonos]

I went through this many years ago with a friend with whom I had worked. She didn't feel up to seeing people so two or three times a week I sent her a "thinking of you card" which I simply signed Love and my name. After she passed away her son told that she eagerly looked forward to the cards.

[adriano46]

Jake, your question and dilemma are understandable, and I applaud your concern.

 

In my experience dealing with people struck with serious illness and working with people in nursing homes and hospice, I have come to see how often others (as purplekow so nicely expressed it) "presume" people dying want to be left alone. Others make it pretty explicit (and this, as others have noted, is one of the stages of dying, and one that family members and friends have to grapple with).

 

My advice is to take some of the great suggestions here and try them. Sending a real, true, handwritten note attached to a card or simply by itself is a great way to touch someone else (in this age of e-mails, texting etc...). The card and/or note is something they can look at, linger over, and touch over and over.

 

Send a thoughtful plant or something else for the home (flowers are nice, but they wilt fast enough).

 

I like the idea of dropping by with something home-cooked. I would add, if you are at least able to telephone them, offer to pick up anything they need while "on the way" with the soup, or meal, or whatever. I have brought a collection of teas, a homemade stock, some small cakes (although personally I avoid sweets and desserts now) some fresh fruit (that I then help set out a small portion, carefully sliced to look artsy and delicious).

 

As the time draws closer, often conversation is more difficult and the best medicine IMHO is sitting there quietly - just being there, and not being afraid to hold a hand, touch, sooth, comfort. Just occasionally getting a cold (or warm) face cloth and carefully wiping the face, arms (or using an acceptable skin lotion and massaging arms, legs, hands and feet) can do much to help time pass and sooth and comfort.

 

The best thing is NOT to avoid them -- but it is also knowing that you may be straddling a very thin line when you are not a close friend or relative, as you do not want to be intruding or broaching boundaries. I say this in the most gentle way possible - if the person is a client, you have to be careful to respect his privacy -- if, for instance people do not know he hired you in the past or his family and friends (who may be hanging around now) would cause him some uncomfortableness if they run in to you visiting him. Respect is the key.

[AresEscortNYC]

My only experience with this happened 5 years ago and was both sweet and sad. I'd seen a client a few times who had to schedule me when his live-in health aid was out shopping. He was in his 60's and confided that he

was in the early stages of Alzheimers. I'd never had a client in this or any comparable situation and tried to be gentle and thoughtful as possible while

maintaining the role I was being paid for. After a few months his health declined to the point where sex was no longer viable. But we kept in touch and I'd visit him occasionally off the clock. Once we just lay in the bed where we'd once had sex but now we'd watch tv. We went out to dinner a few times to his favorite Italian restaurant a few blocks away; later we were relegated

to the diner across the street from his home, as he could walk no further. I'd never been around someone who was dying; it was all surreal and strange and sad but i felt good about our visits and hoped

in some small way i was adding something to his life and had the inchoate feeling i was receiving something in kind. We fell out of touch. Then one day, a message on my phone, left in a vaugely familiar, unsteady voice: "Hello, I found a piece of paper with this number and the name Ares on it... can you tell me who this is?" Jesus... How to call somone and say, "Hi, I'm returning your call, you used to pay me for sex but then we became friends and you didnt pay me anymore but I still visited you and we would just hang out." So. I wish I could say I'd done just that. But i was younger, didnt know how to handle it emotionally, and doubted my ability to get past the ever-vigilant health aid who would be sure to intercept my call. How would I explain who I was? I kept his number, always expecting one day I'd screw up my courage and call. But i never did. I'm sure he's in a better place now where theres no such thing as illness or alzheimers or loneliness. I'm glad i knew you, Don, and I'm sorry i couldn't stand up for myself back then and insist to speak to you and reassure you that yes, i wasnt just a name on a scrap of paper, but we knew eachother once, we were friends, and I hope you're ok, even if you don't remember me.

[instudiocity]

I'm glad i knew you, Don, and I'm sorry i couldn't stand up for myself back then and insist to speak to you and reassure you that yes, i wasnt just a name on a scrap of paper, but we knew each other once, we were friends, and I hope you're ok, even if you don't remember me.

I'm certain Don would be proud of the man you are today. Good post!

[bigvalboy]

So. I wish I could say I'd done just that. But i was younger, didnt know how to handle it emotionally, and doubted my ability to get past the ever-vigilant health aid who would be sure to intercept my call. How would I explain who I was? I kept his number, always expecting one day I'd screw up my courage and call. But i never did. I'm sure he's in a better place now where theres no such thing as illness or alzheimers or loneliness. I'm glad i knew you, Don, and I'm sorry i couldn't stand up for myself back then and insist to speak to you and reassure you that yes, i wasnt just a name on a scrap of paper, but we knew eachother once, we were friends, and I hope you're ok, even if you don't remember me.

 

"God works in mysterious ways"...You did good Ares, most likely better than you could ever imagine. Your friend is OK, but more importantly, so are you. Absolutely brilliant post.

[TruHart1]

Beautiful!

 

My only experience with this happened 5 years ago and was both sweet and sad. I'd seen a client a few times who had to schedule me when his live-in health aid was out shopping. He was in his 60's and confided that he

was in the early stages of Alzheimers. I'd never had a client in this or any comparable situation and tried to be gentle and thoughtful as possible while

maintaining the role I was being paid for. After a few months his health declined to the point where sex was no longer viable. But we kept in touch and I'd visit him occasionally off the clock. Once we just lay in the bed where we'd once had sex but now we'd watch tv. We went out to dinner a few times to his favorite Italian restaurant a few blocks away; later we were relegated

to the diner across the street from his home, as he could walk no further. I'd never been around someone who was dying; it was all surreal and strange and sad but i felt good about our visits and hoped

in some small way i was adding something to his life and had the inchoate feeling i was receiving something in kind. We fell out of touch. Then one day, a message on my phone, left in a vaugely familiar, unsteady voice: "Hello, I found a piece of paper with this number and the name Ares on it... can you tell me who this is?" Jesus... How to call somone and say, "Hi, I'm returning your call, you used to pay me for sex but then we became friends and you didnt pay me anymore but I still visited you and we would just hang out." So. I wish I could say I'd done just that. But i was younger, didnt know how to handle it emotionally, and doubted my ability to get past the ever-vigilant health aid who would be sure to intercept my call. How would I explain who I was? I kept his number, always expecting one day I'd screw up my courage and call. But i never did. I'm sure he's in a better place now where theres no such thing as illness or alzheimers or loneliness. I'm glad i knew you, Don, and I'm sorry i couldn't stand up for myself back then and insist to speak to you and reassure you that yes, i wasnt just a name on a scrap of paper, but we knew eachother once, we were friends, and I hope you're ok, even if you don't remember me.

 

 

Ares,

 

Oh my. That brought a tear to my eye. Don was so lucky to have met you. Really, your lack of courage was probably good for discretionary purposes, so even though you felt bad about it, it was probably for the best as far as the way he was perceived by his caregiver and family. It's kind of beautiful to hear about a professional who has this capacity for caring in him above and beyond the business.

 

TruHart1

[Guest Starbuck]

...How would I explain who I was? I kept his number, always expecting one day I'd screw up my courage and call. But I never did. I'm sure he's in a better place now where there's no such thing as illness or Alzheimers or loneliness. I'm glad i knew you, Don, and I'm sorry I couldn't stand up for myself back then and insist to speak to you and reassure you that, yes, i wasn't just a name on a scrap of paper, but we knew each other once, we were friends, and I hope you're ok, even if you don't remember me.

 

Ares, I can't remember a post on this site that has moved me more than yours. Thank you for sharing something so heartfelt, poignant and beautiful.

 

Jake, thank you for starting a thread about something almost all of us have to deal with at one time or another. It's a delicate balance, to be sure; I hope you find the right way to be able to help and support your friend.

[Jake_Raleigh]

All I can say to everyone who has commented, thank you very much! Nothing moves you more than heart felt comments from everyone. Plus, great advice, ideas, and stories to learn from.

[Decatur Guy]

I think the mere fact you have been sensitive enough to put some thought into what to do means you'll the instinct about the right thing to do.

[AresEscortNYC]

I want to thank Jake for jogging my memory about something I'd never given voice to, esp. since I couldnt offer any hard advice towards his own thoughtful query..... And deepest thanks to starbuck, TruHart1, bigvalboy and instudiocity for feedback i wasnt expecting, and was therefore all the more validating. Again, this was a story I'd never shared, so I'll always be grateful for the kind words you shared with me. ----- Ares

[+ purplekow]

Ares, after all is said and done, all any of can ask of this world is to have lived a life that lets our memory linger on fondly in the minds of those we have touch. i think you have done well by your friend Don and though you feel a bit of remorse regarding you response to his call, the fact that he had a slip of paper with your number on it after you had known each other for quite some time shows that he wanted to be able to remember you as fondly as you remember him. Seems like you did well by Don, and Ares and you did well in relating what was indeed a tender and moving tale that flies in the face of those who say that escorts and clients can never be friends.

[TruHart1]

I want to thank Jake for jogging my memory about something I'd never given voice to, esp. since I couldnt offer any hard advice towards his own thoughtful query..... And deepest thanks to starbuck, TruHart1, bigvalboy and instudiocity for feedback i wasnt expecting, and was therefore all the more validating. Again, this was a story I'd never shared, so I'll always be grateful for the kind words you shared with me. ----- Ares

 

Ares, you are obviously not a run-of-the-mill escort but a caring human being. I want to welcome you to the forum and I hope you will feel free to post here. I think we can always gain from the viewpoint of someone like yourself, especially since you are a working escort!

 

TruHart1

[Rudynate]

When my wife was ill, many ignored us either to protect themselves or honor presumed requests for privacy. Some friends offered help and disappeared. A few called to inquire if anything was needed. One showed up unexpectedly with a large pot of homemade pea soup with a brief note and left after a very brief visit. Neither my wife nor i liked pea soup, but that soup was wonderful and probably in large part because of the thoughtfulness of those very kind people.

There was an article a long time ago in the Reader's Digest which i still recall. (There was always an old Reader's Digest in the bathroom in my parent's home). In the referenced article, a woman wrote an open letter of gratitude to a neighbor. The neighbor appeared at the author's home and while the author was grieving the loss of her mother and did not feel she wanted to talk, the neighbor, polished the family member's shoes and set them out for wear at the funeral and then left.

You can sometimes be there, by just being there and doing what needs to be done, even if it is not flashy.

 

 

 

Agreed. Little gestures at times like this can really count. I was devastated by my father's death. I had to fly home and I was in such shock that making the travel arrangements was an enormous effort. My roommate sat with me and helped me make a list of the things I needed to do and helped me prioritize them. The next day, I was waiting for the Super Shuttle and it was late. In my raw condition, this was really upsetting. My landlady saw my distress, went in the house called them to check and reassured me they would be there in a few minutes. All those little things that people do to help out make a huge difference.