WTF! Did I insult his 2-years-old daughter? Am I on child molestation watch now?

[McLeanspider]

On Saturday at the Giant's supermarket entrance I ran into one of my neighbors, he was walking out of the store carrying his 2 years old daughter in his arms. I said "hello", he smiled and said hi to me. Then I I asked him about the reforms he's been doing at his home. At that moment he lowered his toddler into the floor and started telling me how slow the progress has been, etc. A minute later, when he was done talking, I simply said to him noticing the way his girl was playing with her dress "how beautiful and feminine she was" ... He started yelling me: "feminine, that's not an appropriate way to referred to a 2 years old girl, that's so obscene", he repeated that again in an angry tone of voice. He's face looked as if he was going to punch me, I simply apologized saying it was a compliment and walked away... I got into my car, looked at him at the distance, he seemed upset with me.

 

What happened?

 

I even checked the webster dictionary and it says: pretty, delicate as similar words. Acting feminine ain't acting slutty or "sexy", those words I would never use for a young girl.

 

He's English but has been living here for many years, his wife and daughter are both Americans. Were my words lost in translation?

 

I'm not flamboyant and I'm middle-age guy living in McLean Virginia, I'm not a creep and I don't look like it, I dress like an average local guy. I'm just a divorced man with married daughters and 3 grand children. Did I strike him like a would-be-pervert?

 

What happened?

[Irtwo]

Wow, that is odd. Maybe it means something different in England.

[rvwnsd]

I can't imagine what he was thinking to reply like that. How strange.

[+ FreshFluff]

I don't think you did anything wrong. It's just that fathers are hyper-sensitive about child molesters, especially when it comes to their daughters. That obviously results in a lot of false alarms.

 

The the word "feminine" may have rubbed him the wrong way because it violated the idea that little girls are supposed to be asexual. I've used the same word to describe a toddler (my niece), but women have more latitude in this area.

 

The safest words to use when talking about kids are "cute" and "adorable." "Beautiful" usually works for babies and toddlers.

 

Hugs to you, McLean. You're a good guy, and I'm sorry this episode is disturbing to you.

[jgoo]

The use of the word feminine is sometime connected with sexual objectification and sexual appeal, and the neighbor clearly felt it crossed the line in that sense and as such was inappropriate for use to describe a child. In my opinion, in the context of the situation you described it is a stretch to make that link but not out of the realm of possibilities, especially by an overprotective or oversensitive father (which obviously he is). I suppose that in today's realities that one has to avoid even the most far fetched possibilities of a compliment being misinterpreted in such a way when dealing with a child. Getting to the point where such constraints will force us to not even make compliments any longer, let alone idle chit chat.

 

Nevertheless, to me there is an even greater issue than the possible inappropriateness of an obviously (from your standpoint) well intended compliment. What was more inappropriate was his reaction which seems to me to be an overreaction, overly aggressive and rude. He could have addressed his objections to the use of that word in a much more civil way than he did but by the way he chose to respond I feel you are actually the offended party and not the other way around.

 

The next issue, perhaps, is how this will impact future interactions with this neighbor which certainly will be awkward to say the least. Not sure much you can say or do beyond your already apology and explanation (and let's be clear, what is due to you is an apology from him by the way he reacted).

[Samai139]

Two things in your original post may shed some further light on this situation. Your use of the word "reforms." That comes across as an unusual word to use when I assume you are referring to home repairs or possibly upgrades or additions? Not sure what kind of work was being done, but I usually use reform in a different context. This has nothing to do with your neighbour's reaction but it might help us understand your choice of words in certain situations.

The other thing I noticed was that you said the little girl was playing with her dress and you looked at her and gave your compliment. When you say "playing with her dress" what exactly do you mean? Little girls sometimes lift up their dresses in a way that an older girl would not. Is it possible the father was suspicious of what you were looking at? Just a suggestion to explain his rather bizarre reaction.

[Newly]

At the risk of sounding paranoid how much does your neighbor know about you? For example, if you have escorts (especially younger ones) come to your home could he have seen young men coming to your house once in a while? Unfortunately one of the many prejudices that exists against gay guys is that it is one and the same as being a sexual predator. Every time a school teacher comes out as gay one of the fears that always is mentioned is that he will molest the students, although that is rarely said about straight male teachers or female teachers. If this neighbor has seen younger men with you it is not much of a stretch to imagine him thinking that you are a predator, and even though common sense would tell you that if you think someone is gay you should not view him as a threat to a daughter unfortunately people loose any type of sense when their children and prejudgments are involved.

[wayout]

At the risk of sounding paranoid how much does your neighbor know about you? For example, if you have escorts (especially younger ones) come to your home could he have seen young men coming to your house once in a while? Unfortunately one of the many prejudices that exists against gay guys is that it is one and the same as being a sexual predator.

 

I had a similar thought. Who knows for sure but if he knows you are gay and disapproves strongly of your lifestyle, perhaps your use of the word "feminine" in relation to his young daughter was just the match to his fuse that led to his explosion. It may be that his pent up anger towards gays was just waiting to find a way out in a way he could not do otherwise. There is also the possibility that her playfulness, your noticing and the timing of the use of that word caused him to explode as Samai suggests. It is all speculation but I do agree that his strong reaction was not justified based solely on the use of that word. Some underlying and/or unknown reason is likely to exist.

[EZEtoGRU]

Based on the information provided, it does seem like the neighbor over-reacted. I do think the word "feminine" may not have been the best choice of words for describing such a young girl. As another poster mentioned, "cute" or "adorable" are probably safer and more acceptable words in such a situation.

[MrMiniver]

On Saturday at the Giant's supermarket entrance I ran into one of my neighbors, he was walking out of the store carrying his 2 years old daughter in his arms. I said "hello", he smiled and said hi to me. Then I I asked him about the reforms he's been doing at his home. At that moment he lowered his toddler into the floor and started telling me how slow the progress has been, etc. A minute later, when he was done talking, I simply said to him noticing the way his girl was playing with her dress "how beautiful and feminine she was" ... He started yelling me: "feminine, that's not an appropriate way to referred to a 2 years old girl, that's so obscene", he repeated that again in an angry tone of voice. He's face looked as if he was going to punch me, I simply apologized saying it was a compliment and walked away... I got into my car, looked at him at the distance, he seemed upset with me.

 

What happened?

 

I even checked the webster dictionary and it says: pretty, delicate as similar words. Acting feminine ain't acting slutty or "sexy", those words I would never use for a young girl.

 

He's English but has been living here for many years, his wife and daughter are both Americans. Were my words lost in translation?

 

I'm not flamboyant and I'm middle-age guy living in McLean Virginia, I'm not a creep and I don't look like it, I dress like an average local guy. I'm just a divorced man with married daughters and 3 grand children. Did I strike him like a would-be-pervert?

 

What happened?

 

My first question was ... what are "reforms" being done at his home? Do you mean renovations, restorations? But what are "reforms?"

 

While I don't think you did anything particularly wrong .... I don't think commenting on little girls being pretty by middle aged men is the smart way to go these days. Not because of you but because of the general societal fear of of just about everything that moves these days. It's gotten to the point that I don't even want to be in a room with anyone under the age of 18 today because of all the hypersensitivity. It's gotten ridiculous.

 

On the other hand, I don't think I'd ever use the word "feminine" to describe a girl or a young lady. Aren't we to assume they're feminine to begin with? Saying it out loud can come across as creepy I suppose or implying that other little girls are "masculine." Stick to talking to the guy your age and say nothing about the child. It's the only safe policy.

[geoffk]

i don't think you did anything wrong. sometimes one might say she is such a "girl" meaning she really likes all things feminine like make up , dresses, jewelry etc. Some little girls are not like this and they may even be boyish in the things they like and do. You said something nice , no need for it to be taken any other way.

[Lookin]

Do the Giant's in Virginia by any chance sell liquor? It sure sounds like your neighbor may have had a couple of snorts back in Aisle 14. It was definitely an outsized reaction on his part, and hopefully his wife will talk him down if he mentions it to her. If she doesn't, goodness knows where he'll take it next.

 

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FixluHDx2lI/TYUk8C8o7DI/AAAAAAAAAXQ/NLrMuoEPR9I/s1600/601.jpg

 

 

Be prepared though. On the off chance he doesn't come to his senses, you might not be asked to play Santa this year at the neighborhood Christmas party.

 

Plus you should also be able to lighten up on the Halloween candy, at least until all the little nippers are safely away at college somewhere. http://www.boytoy.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif

[jimboivyo]

This is a nice example of choosing your words carefully

 

you werent wrong in what you said, but didn't choose your descriptive the best you could have

[+ Funguy]

McLean - you clearly did nothing wrong.

Your neighbor may had something totally unrelated going on in his head, family, work, etc. and this was the way it came to the surface - a way to simply vent. Inappropriate, yes. Wonder what happens the next time you see him (or he sees you).

An example - a mother brought her daughter (5 years old) to see me for a cough she had had for 1.5 days. No other symptoms. Then she said she wanted every test known to mankind, incl. blood, x-ray, urine, etc. and was extremely upset and even rude with me when I explained she had a cold like every other 5 year old coming in. I then turned it around to her and asked her if there was anything going on in HER life which might explain why she was blowing this out of proportion.

Finally, she admitted that there was a case of child abuse at the preschool and just wanted the child checked out.

So….sometimes unrelated issues can totally get in the way.

[+ FreshFluff]

I'm pretty sure the OP used "reforms" to mean "home renovations." Complaining about slow contractors is pretty much a sport in the US.

[MrMiniver]

I'm pretty sure the OP used "reforms" to mean "home renovations." Complaining about slow contractors is pretty much a sport in the US.

 

Complaining about slow contractors is pretty much a fact in the USA because most contractors suck. Try renovating a co-op in NYC. It's the closest I ever came to murder.

[marylander1940]

...

 

The next issue, perhaps, is how this will impact future interactions with this neighbor which certainly will be awkward to say the least. Not sure much you can say or do beyond your already apology and explanation (and let's be clear, what is due to you is an apology from him by the way he reacted).

 

Brilliant!

 

Neighbors know more about you than your own family, besides if you have an undesirable relative you only need to keep up with him once per year.

 

Watch out and step away from your neighbor, he has issues and in Va... all gay men are easy target.

 

http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/9/7/4/134974.jpg?v=1

[Strafe13]

People often freak out or act very strange to any perceived threat to their children. One time I was with two female family members in a well-known bakery in the NYC area. We were looking at some of the designs in the display, chatting with a mom who had a toddler-aged daughter. The child backed up from the display and fell backwards into my leg and I almost lost my balance. She would have fallen to the ground had I not caught her and propped her back up. I then said very kindly to the child something to the effect of "be careful sweetie, you could have hurt yourself". The mom, with a completely fake smile, subtly slapped my hand away from the child's back, gave me an aggressive look, and continued making small talk with my family members like nothing happened. The mother was clearly letting me know that I should not have touched her child, but that the alternative was to let the child fall to the ground and possibly get hurt didn't seem to occur to her. Of course, had she been paying attention to the child instead of chatting about pastries is an entirely separate matter. It goes without saying that she didn't even offer an apology to me for her child's clumsiness. Not that it was needed, but despite my youth, I do have an arthritic knee, and it actually hurt when the child fell into it. But in that woman's mind, some perv was "touching" her child.

 

Bottom line, people freak out over their kids. This guy was a nut. You're not the first person to experience an irrational parent's overreaction, and you won't be the last. You didn't do anything wrong, so don't stress over it.

[+ FreshFluff]

Watch out and step away from your neighbor, he has issues and in Va... all gay men are easy target.

 

That may be true, but I'm not sure this episode was related to the OP's orientation. I guess it's possible, but IMO, more likely that the dad is simply being overprotective.