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paying for a college education


jakeleyman
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I have decided to pay for the college education for a young guy I saw in an escort situation for a couple years. It is a junior college and my expenses over four semesters will be under $5000. I think he is very smart and has had many tough breaks. I prefer to send the funds directly to the college and I would like verification that he has successfully received credits for one semester before funding the next. I'm one of the clos guys left, with a family. I believe in him, but not enough to give him my name and address. How to handle all of this without sharing my information becomes complicated. One of my considerations has been to go through an attorney who would directly be billed for tuition and fees and handle payments. I have decided not to go through my personal attorney or other close attorney friends. I have tried to find (preferably gay friendly) attorneys with small practices in my small southern conservative city, but that has not worked out yet. Does anyone have any suggestions? BTW I do not plan to "trade" the college education for services. If we do resume a 'relationship,' that would be a separate arrangement.

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That is true. It is a couple hours away but I could go there and handle it that way. I wonder how I would keep tabs on his progress - if he has received credit for past semester?

 

 

You could go to the Bursar at the college and pay the acct directly in cash. They don't blink an eye they just process the money and give you a receipt.
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What a great thing to do! I really hope it works out. So many of the younger guys live for the moment and fall for the allure of "easy" money without a thought to what will happen when they're not quite so young anymore and every client who was interested has "tried" them out. Of course all young people are a bit like this, but at least they don't have huge gaps in their resumes and have hopefully gained some skills that they can present to potential employers.

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Or, you can have a bank or cashier's check cut and mailed to the bursar's office which will assure "discretion". I have undertaken to underwrite educational needs for three or four escorts of my acquaintance in the past, the expense ranging from the cost of books to tuition to providing a living accommodation; the results have been "mixed"; however, the successes compensate for the failures. My first effort, on a very small scale, was underwriting the ACE certification for a young man: books, tutorial aids, testing fees, and, travel expenses to take the test as he wanted to "get started" as a "real" personal trainer as soon as possible. The night before the test he "partied" at a local bar, and, the next day he distinguished himself by making the lowest score ever recorded, to that date, for the examination.

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You make your support conditional on seeing grades. Most colleges have online billing / grades/ course schedules. The student has to "allow" you to see online grades. You could make that a condition of the support. I would think that the recipient of your generosity would be agreeable to that or at least they should be. If they weren't I would think twice about funding the education. But, like others have said , what a generous thing for you to do. I hope it works out for all involved.

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You make your support conditional on seeing grades. Most colleges have online billing / grades/ course schedules. The student has to "allow" you to see online grades. You could make that a condition of the support. I would think that the recipient of your generosity would be agreeable to that or at least they should be. If they weren't I would think twice about funding the education. But' date=' like others have said , what a generous thing for you to do. [/quote']

 

I am only auditing courses at a nearly university, but understand how the system works. MFLV is right, everything is done via computer. He must give you access to his user name and password, or keep them secret, but allow you to see his schedule and final grades. I believe he could print his bill, and give it to you to pay at the community college, or you could pay on line.

 

Even if this arrangement works, it is going to change your relationship. You lose control over the semester as soon as you pay the bill. He loses control over personal information. No matter how well you know him, you can not predict how well this arrangement will actually work out. Be prepared for possible disappointment.

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I am only auditing courses at a nearly university, but understand how the system works. MFLV is right, everything is done via computer. He must give you access to his user name and password, or keep them secret, but allow you to see his schedule and final grades. I believe he could print his bill, and give it to you to pay at the community college, or you could pay on line.

 

The problem is that's usually the same password that is used for email, and university policy typically has rules against giving away these passwords.

 

As for getting the information from the school, under Federal law, parents or guardians can get access to the information with the student's permission, but no one else can.

 

I also agree with William that this could get more complicated than you might expect. Nagging or even asking him about his grades could make the friendship or romantic relationship very awkward. I can't imagine having that discussion with a boyfriend.

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Speaking for myself only, I would never involve myself in supporting an escort’s college expenses UNLESS: 1.) I had known him for an extended period of time and, 2.) we had developed a considerable degree of mutual trust. The key word here is trust. If I couldn’t trust him to attend school and make decent grades I would not involve myself. As far as maintaining anonymity is concerned I’ve NEVER been particularly concerned about it. If anonymity is an absolute must you might want to reconsider involving yourself in the entire adventure. As I see it you just might have way too many caveats to enter comfortably into this arrangement.

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... I believe in him, but not enough to give him my name and address...

 

This to me says it all. However, if you are bound and determined to go through with it, simply ask him to provide you with an official copy of his college transcript with the bill for tuition. Bring cash and go to any bank and have a cashier's check made payable to the university for the amount of the bill and mail it directly to the university. For even more anonymity, you can purchase a money order(s) for the same purpose from a post office or other place. Repeat at the end/start of each semester.

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I also agree with William that this could get more complicated than you might expect. Nagging or even asking him about his grades could make the friendship or romantic relationship very awkward. I can't imagine having that discussion with a boyfriend.

 

To underline FreshFluff's point, I have spent many hours doing research to refresh my memories of the 1960s before giving lengthy interviews (well over 10 hours each) to students about life in the 1960s, especially Vietnam. We are friends before and after the interviews. There was no sexual or financial relationship or interest in sex. They were able to do independent research on me because the students know my name and where I live. They always send me copies of the final version of the papers, but not the grade.

 

The one time I asked directly for the grade, I got the answer but it significantly changed our friendship.

 

I can not image ever entering into the arrangement you are thinking about with a person whom I am unwilling to give my name.

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This to me says it all. However, if you are bound and determined to go through with it, simply ask him to provide you with an official copy of his college transcript with the bill for tuition.

 

Yes, him having to come up with exactly one document, once a semester, is SO MUCH LESS than he would have to do if he were applying for financial aid (believe me, I know this from many semesters applying, and many YEARS of making student loan payments!).

 

If he's unwilling or unable to do this little (and doesn't have much of an academic background, or hasn't stuck with any job/volunteer position/anything in the long term), then he sounds like a real risk to me.

 

If he has been a good working joe so far, then good for you for giving him such help to be more educated. (It's more than the US government has the sense to do compared to other countries.)

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Thank you all for the thoughtful suggestions and advice. No one really suggested I pursue finding an attorney to handle the whole thing. Is it that you think I will be unsuccessful in finding an attorney who is willing? - a possibility based on my experience to date. A little more about the college candidate: Orphaned, incarcerated for substance offense as a juvenile, extremely bright, very witty, loves animals, and yep, total eye candy.

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I would advise that you only involve a lawyer if you wish to guarantee his tuition should you pass on while he is in school. Then you need to establish this as an ongoing grant to this man to end at the time of his expected graduation. If you want your secret life to follow you to the grave, then you may need to set up a separate account as a trust and make no mention of it in your will.

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If you want your secret life to follow you to the grave, then you may need to set up a separate account as a trust and make no mention of it in your will.

 

This whole string baffles me. I can't imagine paying for the education of a man I can't trust enough to give my real name. And for God's sake, what's the worry about being out of the closet after death? What would be the worry? That Saint Peter would find out? I mean, I can see if someone might be afraid of being disinherited, disowned, or shunned, but after his own death? That's fearing nothing. If you just want to support deserving LGBT students who've had a rough deal, send money (anonymously if needed) to the Point Foundation...

 

http://www.pointfoundation.org/

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I see your point Unicorn. You obviously live an "honest life." I respect that. It is hard for some to understand situations such as mine. I'm excited about giving this guy a chance. He has not asked my personal information and we both seem content to maintain that curious set-up.

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This whole string baffles me. I can't imagine paying for the education of a man I can't trust enough to give my real name. And for God's sake, what's the worry about being out of the closet after death? What would be the worry? That Saint Peter would find out? I mean, I can see if someone might be afraid of being disinherited, disowned, or shunned, but after his own death? That's fearing nothing. If you just want to support deserving LGBT students who've had a rough deal, send money (anonymously if needed) to the Point Foundation...

 

http://www.pointfoundation.org/[/quote

 

I believe the OP started this thread with the words: "I have decided ...." Taking him at his word and not advising him against his adult decision, several viable manners of handling this have been offered. While I agree that this man's fear of being exposed seems excessive in view of his planning to fund the education of the man from whom he is keeping his identity, which I believe is your first point, this is not really the question which was asked.

In response to your second point, as to why one might be concerned about being outed after death, they are as many reasons for this as there are people who hold this concern. Just two that come to mind are

1-Perhaps he believes it will be hurtful to his family in some manner.

2-Perhaps they would think less of him (their loss) or they may realize the pressure which has been brought upon this person to have him feel this need so strongly and feel remorseful that they were not more trusted.

This thought was not expressed as a fact by the OP. My posting was a supposition in case the OP did hold the fear of a post mortem exposure. It was merely an additional thought, should the OP feel this way. It seems he might.

While the OP did not express a desire to specifically support LGBT education other than the education of this one acquaintance, I thank you for mentioning the Point Foundation. After a brief review of the link site you left, it certainly seems a worthwhile organization to support.

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My random input:

 

I met an escort in 2011, and we met monthly. A good "fit", as it were. He got involved with a lover,

and our relationship changed from client / escort to friend / friend.

 

His life turned to shit in several interesting ways. I lent him money for a new apartment. His lover

did something naughty (probably felony) which caused them to part ways, which wound up with

me inheriting The Cat. I had told my friend / escort that, should he need it, he was welcome at

my house.

 

A couple of months later, he decided to cash in on my offer. It's been almost a year, and it's been

great, having someone to make sure I'm not dead on a daily basis; having a dining companion; and

having someone to go to WDW with me, even though I get the putt putt scooter to go around with.

 

So: My advice: I'm concerned that you're uncomfortable with the name-thing. I think you all need

to get to a point, however you do it, so he knows you are paying, and that his education is predicate

on his grades. Perhaps you should look to a larger city, where anonymity is more the norm, for a lawyer

to take care of the issue.

 

As a side note: When I first went to Medical School, I lost my rooming house room, due to "overcrowding".

(I think the landlady found the porn). A fellow, with whose church choir I had been singing, offered his

front couch until I found a place to live. It turned out to be three months. [Medical school is a full-time job.]

 

One cannot pay these things back. One must pay these things forward. Thus, I have my previous escort now

living with me, complete with cat. We give each other infinite shit, and I'm happier than I've been in years.

 

So: I guess my bottom line is: Go for it. And lay out your "payback" or "pay forward" terms. And I really believe

you'd be best-off if you tell him your real name. It would un-complicate things so well. And, again, try an out-of-town]

lawyer, perhaps from a larger city.

 

That's all I have to say about this.

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Thank you all again for your suggestions and advice. There are some very bright guys here and, having no one to talk to about this stuff, I feel a kinship with you. I am kind of surprised at the support for revealing personal information in an escort-client relationship, even one of long standing. Honesty is always a great approach, and I can see it in the admirable open lifestyle many of you have; but for a person as myself with a long-term heterosexual family life, it seems unwise, despite a commitment to further the escort's education. This subject is probably burned out. You have given me some things to think about. Thanks!

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Jakeleyman, might I suggest that you do speak with an attorney. Specifically, if I had the same goal, I would have an attorney set up a trust for the funds. That way the trust pays the tuition each semester (obviously, there would need to be a trustee, either you, the attorney, or someone else). I've set up a similar trust for my nieces, nephews and their children. The way it works is that they get their first semester paid for, upfront. Thereafter, they must produce their grades (a GPA of 2.3 is required) and the registration for future classes. The trustee (my attorney) then cuts a check to the college. Books are also covered, but they must pay for those themselves, then submit the receipt for reimbursement. This arrangement really takes any emotion out of the process for me, for instance, I blame the trust requirements if one of them decides to party all semester and they can't produce a 2.3 GPA.

 

The cost to set up a trust is a little pricey and administration (trustee) is about 1.5% of the trust assets. If you're only funding the trust with $5K, then the trustee is probably going to want a fixed salary or stipend rather than a % of assets. Finally, the trust assures that the resources are available as you intend, regardless of what may happen to you (unexpected death).

 

Good luck.

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Guest boiworship08
You make your support conditional on seeing grades. Most colleges have online billing / grades/ course schedules. The student has to "allow" you to see online grades. You could make that a condition of the support. I would think that the recipient of your generosity would be agreeable to that or at least they should be. If they weren't I would think twice about funding the education. But, like others have said , what a generous thing for you to do. I hope it works out for all involved.

 

That's absolutely correct. Even parents can't view their child's grades unless granted permission. Ask him to provide his user ID and password.

 

I agree with others that your gesture is a generous one. I really hope it works out.

 

The boy that I've been seeing for over two years comes from a poor Latino family. He uses virtually all of his "earnings" to buy textbooks. He's going to be a doctor and he's likely to make it. He would be too proud to take tuition money.

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Thank you all again for your suggestions and advice. There are some very bright guys here and, having no one to talk to about this stuff, I feel a kinship with you. I am kind of surprised at the support for revealing personal information in an escort-client relationship, even one of long standing. Honesty is always a great approach, and I can see it in the admirable open lifestyle many of you have; but for a person as myself with a long-term heterosexual family life, it seems unwise, despite a commitment to further the escort's education. This subject is probably burned out. You have given me some things to think about. Thanks!
PK got it exactly right. It's your decision and your life. Everything you write makes it clear that you've thought this through and understand what you're comfortable with; no one has a right to gainsay that.

 

Lots of good suggestions here. Finding an attorney you feel comfortable revealing these things to may work -- but it involves effort and exposure and expense. A more informal arrangement (e.g. seeing the next semester's registration and the current semester's grades) might be easier. Bottom line is how well you two communicate and whether you can have an open, easy, and frank discussion.

 

Good luck! You've pulled a little at my heartstrings with your generosity and I, for one, would love to know what you finally arrange and how it all works out down the line.

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I have tried to find (preferably gay friendly) attorneys with small practices in my small southern conservative city, but that has not worked out yet.

 

That is true. It is a couple hours away but I could go there and handle it that way.

You could go to the Bursar at the college and pay the acct directly in cash.

 

What about finding an attorney in the city where the college is located?

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If you decide to go the attorney route, I'd suggest you be very clear that ALL the information you provide should be considered privileged. Although the attorney/client privilege is pretty broad, it doesn't cover everything and some lawyers (like some escorts) are less than completely discreet. The rules of privilege also vary from state to state, so you may want to ask the lawyer if there's anything that does not qualify as privileged information. For example, in some jurisdictions, the existence of the attorney/client relationship and the scope/terms of retainer agreements are not privileged. If keeping everything secret is important to you, you may have to look at hiring an out of state lawyer or paying by money order as others have suggested.

 

Tom

 

P.S. As a married man with a family, I fully understand your concerns about maintaining anonymity and would almost certainly feel the same way you do if I was going to pay for a young man's college education.

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