Dating - what the hell happened? Feedback needed

[OrdinaryJoe]

Hello,

 

I self-profess to not know my way around the dating world. I haven't dated much for many years and even then, I'm not what you'd call Mr. Smooth. I'm not Quasimodo either though Here's the circumstance and I don't know what to make of it. I think my analytical brain, always seeking answers, is looking for an answer here where there may not be one, or one that is easy to get to. Hoping getting some other perspectives will help. Here's the circumstance.

 

- met a guy online awhile ago. We chatted off and on for months, both saying we should meet and eventually agreed to grab a beer.

- met over beer. I guess I classify this as a pre-date. Checking out someone you met online to see how they are in person,

- beer seemed to go really well. When it came time to leave, 3.5 hours has passed and that blew me away. I had no idea that much time had gone by. Conversation flowed really easily.

- we parted ways, agreeing to stay in touch, etc. It was a work night so nothing more happened that night.

- next day, I got a text from him saying good to meet, etc.

- we stayed in touch via txt over the next week - not a ton but a little bit. He caught a cold so was down for that and then heading out of town with work. We agreed that we should get together when he was back.

- After his return date, I waited a couple of days (to see if he would reach out to me) and txted him a welcome home, how was the trip message. No response.

- I waited a couple more days. No word from him. I figured this was a "message," but I liked him enough from the beer meeting that I didn't want to write it off without at least one more check

- I called him, left a message on his voicemail. Basically said, haven't heard from you in awhile, maybe that's a message and no problem if it is, but I enjoyed the beer with you and so, etc.

- Got a txt a few hours later, saying he does want to see me again, got back from trip and immediately had to go away for unexpected family death. He'll be home Monday.

- The next week rolls around, no contact. Mon, Tues, Wed.

- Thurs, I run into him online. He initiates contact. We chat a bit, talk naughty, unlock pics. He suggests several times about future things as we're talking dirty "I look forward to finding out..." "you'll have to let me know..." etc

- And that brings us to today - almost a week later. No further contact including over a weekend. We're both business professionals so I can understand a bit more on weekdays.

 

So I'm totally confused. I haven't reached out to him in the last couple of weeks as I'm not really feeling much interest from him. He's been back from his trips for a couple weeks and no effort to contact me. The chance online encounter, while he did initiate the contact, doesn't really count in my mind. I kind of feel that the ball was left in his court. He knows where I stand. I was upfront and told him I really enjoyed the beer and would like to see him again. What confuses me is that I gave him an out with the phone call. He didn't need to respond, could have left it at that, and it would all be done, no mess, no questions asked. But he did respond, specially saying he wants to see me again and then...nothing. I kinda figure that he's met someone else. But, I'm totally over thinking this and emotion is involved. I'm a little hurt that he hasn't reached out to me since he's been back - even to say hi. At the same time, as I write this out, I am thinking that maybe I should be driving this more and not waiting for him to.

 

So I need some advice, thoughts, wisdom, kicks in the ass, etc. Perspective is a good thing and I will admit I don't know if I have good perspective on this.

 

Thanks in advance.

[tyro]

This sounds like what has happened to me with almost every guy I've met online. (Well, except for the gem who's been taking care of me after my accident a month ago today.) Frankly, I wouldn't hold out too much hope. That's what my experience has shown me.

T

[wisconsinguy]

This sounds like what has happened to me with almost every guy I've met online. (Well, except for the gem who's been taking care of me after my accident a month ago today.) Frankly, I wouldn't hold out too much hope. That's what my experience has shown me.

T

Agree with tyro. Seems like he also could be working the crowd to see what's out in the dating world?

[bigvalboy]

And I agree with the above two posters. You are over thinking this. I've been in your shoes. At the urging of co-workers I tried the on-line dating thingy, and when I was attracted to them and it wasn't really going according to plan, I tended to start thinking of reasons/excuses why the other person hadn't contacted me, always givng them the benefit of the doubt, but the reality is, if they were really interested, they would have stayed in constant communication and made every effort to see you. A text to stay connected and or just to say "Hi" takes 20 secs.

 

I was reminded of that book "He's just not that into you" It was written for women, but applies to men also. The first few quotes from the book are hard truths. Hope some of this helps. Good luck.

 

http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/822184-he-s-just-not-that-into-you-the-no-excuses-truth-to-understanding-guys

[Bosguy]

From my limited (by choice) dealings with on line dating sites is that there are generally 3 categories of guys using them: 1.) Guys like you that are truly interested in meeting someone for a mutually positive arrangement. 2.) Guys (like those mentioned above) who are not sure what they want and are always looking for Mr. Goodbar. and 3.) Guys who are just on the sites to play a game no matter who they hurt.

I would agree with the other posters--you did what you could--now is the time to move on and find someone who appreciates you.

 

Boston Bill

[marylander1940]

I agree with BVB, you're over thinking this. Nobody is that busy to be unable to send a short text or an email...

 

He doesn't like you, he's a tease but enjoys your compliments, or is just lazy, irresponsible and forgetful, if I was you I wouldn't even count on him as a friend.

 

...3.) Guys who are just on the sites to play a game no matter who they hurt... Boston Bill

 

That's because they've been hurt themselves and they feel good if they do it to other guys to feel better about themselves.

Is like the child afraid of a visit to the Dentist, after he comes home grabs his Teddy bear and puts a pencil in his mouth playing Dentist, it's just a way to get back an feel the empowerment of turning down someone.

[+ purplekow]

I hold a different point of view. You expect him to contact you and are sitting back and waiting thinking why has he not called me. My approach at this point would be, call or e mail. Tell him you are getting tickets to something you have both expressed interest in and ask him if he wants to go. If he says yes, fine. Anything less than a full yes is a no and forget him. No I would love to but... excuses. Sitting home by the phone waiting for someone else to make the move is a very retro idea whose time has not returned.

So ask him out, it is either yes or forget it.

[marylander1940]

I hold a different point of view. You expect him to contact you and are sitting back and waiting thinking why has he not called me. My approach at this point would be, call or e mail. Tell him you are getting tickets to something you have both expressed interest in and ask him if he wants to go. If he says yes, fine. Anything less than a full yes is a no and forget him. No I would love to but... excuses. Sitting home by the phone waiting for someone else to make the move is a very retro idea whose time has not returned.

So ask him out, it is either yes or forget it.

 

Texting him one more time?

The guy is busy to text back because of 2 trips and a family death, but he is not busy enough to go online to the same site where they met. He's not interested.

Plenty of choices out there, OP move on! It's my friendly advice!

[+ FreshFluff]

He wouldn't have texted afterwards if he wasn't interested in you. If you have an accurate picture, 95% of your first dates will be interested, though a few of them--like this one--may be dating other people when they meet you. A lot of young, popular gay men probably multiple date for a while, so that wouldn't bother me too much.

 

So like PK said, since this is an M-M relationship where no one is the default "leader," try being proactive. PK's idea about telling him you're getting tickets to something you're both interested in is great. But whatever you do, keep playing the numbers game and having your own rotation.

[+ FreshFluff]

One thing that's really important to do on first dates is to make sure your body language shows interest. I constantly get feedback from guy friends telling me that I'm intimidating, so I had to figure out how to show interest. I've always done well on dates where I was actually strongly interested, because I was unconsciously using inviting body language. What takes practice is showing interest when you're iffy about the guy. For example, a couple of week ago, I was really looking forward to a date but was disappointed by changes in guy's appearance versus the photo (goatee and strange glasses). I was also upset about an ex who keeps coming after me like a jerk. He later said he was strongly physically attracted--and indeed, he did do a lot of goo goo eyes staring--but there was no conversational chemistry. In a later email, he called me on looking at the door several times, which I hadn't even realized I was doing.

 

]I was reminded of that book "He's just not that into you" It was written for women, but applies to men also. The first few quotes from the book are hard truths. Hope some of this helps. Good luck.

 

BVB, you know I love you, but IMO, that book sucks. Let me summarize the book, "Did you meet a guy you're interested in, one who's in your league? Forget it, because he doesn't want you. If he calls, he's only doing it to be polite. Keep looking for signs of disinterest and you'll eventually find them. The only guy who could ever be into you is one whom you're not interested in and who constantly harasses you via text and phone because you're way out of his league. "

 

Also, again, that book is meant for M-F relationships, where men traditionally take the lead. So it doesn't really apply to you.

 

Instead, I'd recommend a book on attractive, inviting body language to use on dates. This book is full of pictures and has helped me a lot. Don't be put off the photo of the girl on the cover. Half the book contains do and don't photos on how men should flirt. I've seen men in gay bars giving exactly the same physical signals shown in the book.

It's out of print so copies are cheap: http://www.amazon.com/Superdate-Tracey-Cox/dp/0756607558

 

A page from the book:

http://s4.postimg.org/3s0bniikt/Screen_Shot_2014_03_26_at_11_48_08_AM.png

[bigvalboy]

One thing that's really important to do on first dates is to make sure your body language shows interest. I constantly get feedback from guy friends telling me that I'm intimidating, so I had to figure out how to show interest. I've always done well on dates where I was actually strongly interested, because I was unconsciously using inviting body language. What takes practice is showing interest when you're iffy about the guy. For example, a couple of week ago, I was really looking forward to a date but was disappointed by changes in guy's appearance versus the photo (goatee and strange glasses). I was also upset about an ex who keeps coming after me like a jerk. He later said he was strongly physically attracted--and indeed, he did do a lot of goo goo eyes staring--but there was no conversational chemistry. In a later email, he called me on looking at the door several times, which I hadn't even realized I was doing.

 

 

 

BVB, you know I love you, but He's Just Not That Into You SUCKS.

 

 

 

 

Let me summarize the book, "Did you meet a guy you're interested in, one who's in your league? Forget it, because he doesn't want you. If he calls, he's only doing it to be polite. Keep looking for signs of disinterest. The only guy who's into you is one who constantly harasses you via text and phone because you're way out of his league. That will generally be a guy you'd never consider. "

 

Also, again, that book is meant for M-F relationships, where men traditionally take the lead. So it doesn't really apply to you.

 

Instead, I'd recommend a book on attractive, inviting body language to use on dates. This book is full of pictures and has helped me a lot. Don't be put off the photo of the girl on the cover. Half the book contains do and don't photos on how men should flirt. I've seen men in gay bars giving exactly the same physical signals shown in the book.

It's out of print so copies are cheap: http://www.amazon.com/Superdate-Tracey-Cox/dp/0756607558

 

A page from the book:

http://s4.postimg.org/3s0bniikt/Screen_Shot_2014_03_26_at_11_48_08_AM.png

 

In all seriousness, Thanks for the information and the additional links. All great advice from someone who has definitely been through much of this. I know Tyro has had her ups and downs with on-line dating as well, and none of it is easy. I tried it a few times, and while I met some wonderful guys, in the end I was just not that attracted to any of them, But after the first 'meet-n-greet" I was always completely up front with the other person. There never was any guess work on his part.

[BaronArtz]

He liked you, but he was not really 'into' you. Somebody 'better' came up. He's pursuing things with somebody else and keeping you hanging in there. Forget this guy.

[+ FreshFluff]

He liked you, but he was not really 'into' you. Somebody 'better' came up. He's pursuing things with somebody else and keeping you hanging in there. Forget this guy.

 

The other guys could be "better"--or they may just be willing to have sex on the first date.

[BaronArtz]

The other guys could be "better"--or they may just be willing to have sex on the first date.

 

That's true too ... let's be open-minded about it

[+ Gar1eth]

Hello,

 

I self-profess to not know my way around the dating world. I haven't dated much for many years and even then, I'm not what you'd call Mr. Smooth. I'm not Quasimodo either though Here's the circumstance and I don't know what to make of it. I think my analytical brain, always seeking answers, is looking for an answer here where there may not be one, or one that is easy to get to. Hoping getting some other perspectives will help. Here's the circumstance.

 

- met a guy online awhile ago. We chatted off and on for months, both saying we should meet and eventually agreed to grab a beer.

- met over beer. I guess I classify this as a pre-date. Checking out someone you met online to see how they are in person,

- beer seemed to go really well. When it came time to leave, 3.5 hours has passed and that blew me away. I had no idea that much time had gone by. Conversation flowed really easily.

- we parted ways, agreeing to stay in touch, etc. It was a work night so nothing more happened that night.

- next day, I got a text from him saying good to meet, etc.

- we stayed in touch via txt over the next week - not a ton but a little bit. He caught a cold so was down for that and then heading out of town with work. We agreed that we should get together when he was back.

- After his return date, I waited a couple of days (to see if he would reach out to me) and txted him a welcome home, how was the trip message. No response.

- I waited a couple more days. No word from him. I figured this was a "message," but I liked him enough from the beer meeting that I didn't want to write it off without at least one more check

- I called him, left a message on his voicemail. Basically said, haven't heard from you in awhile, maybe that's a message and no problem if it is, but I enjoyed the beer with you and so, etc.

- Got a txt a few hours later, saying he does want to see me again, got back from trip and immediately had to go away for unexpected family death. He'll be home Monday.

- The next week rolls around, no contact. Mon, Tues, Wed.

- Thurs, I run into him online. He initiates contact. We chat a bit, talk naughty, unlock pics. He suggests several times about future things as we're talking dirty "I look forward to finding out..." "you'll have to let me know..." etc

- And that brings us to today - almost a week later. No further contact including over a weekend. We're both business professionals so I can understand a bit more on weekdays.

 

So I'm totally confused. I haven't reached out to him in the last couple of weeks as I'm not really feeling much interest from him. He's been back from his trips for a couple weeks and no effort to contact me. The chance online encounter, while he did initiate the contact, doesn't really count in my mind. I kind of feel that the ball was left in his court. He knows where I stand. I was upfront and told him I really enjoyed the beer and would like to see him again. What confuses me is that I gave him an out with the phone call. He didn't need to respond, could have left it at that, and it would all be done, no mess, no questions asked. But he did respond, specially saying he wants to see me again and then...nothing. I kinda figure that he's met someone else. But, I'm totally over thinking this and emotion is involved. I'm a little hurt that he hasn't reached out to me since he's been back - even to say hi. At the same time, as I write this out, I am thinking that maybe I should be driving this more and not waiting for him to.

 

So I need some advice, thoughts, wisdom, kicks in the ass, etc. Perspective is a good thing and I will admit I don't know if I have good perspective on this.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

I don't have much experience. But I think if you want to try one more time- and you can think of a 'date' involving some common interest you two talked about then ask him if he wants to go. If he says 'no' or doesn't reply, then he's not interested enough in you.

 

As for finding new people, it didn't seem to help me much because I am Quasimodo (but with a much smaller hump), but depending on the app you were using, I'd try going with one of the more dating designed sites like Pool Of Fish, OkCupid, Match.com, or etc rather than the hook-up apps like Scruff, Mister, Grindr, and etc. Of course the dating sites aren't perfect either. I used to hear some doozy stories from a straight former friend (female) using a Pool Of Fish.

 

In any case I wish you better luck than I've ever had- you would almost have to have better.

 

Gman

[Steven_Draker]

The other guys could be "better"--or they may just be willing to have sex on the first date.

 

There may be no "other guys", especially if he's going through a rough time (death in the family). Simply his mind may be not on dating right now.

 

Or probably he just lost interest. Interest is something that can come and go with no apparent reason or explanation.

 

Either way, OrdinaryJoe, remember Thoreau's beautiful quote about the butterfly:

 

“Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder…”

[EZEtoGRU]

I see zero reason for the OP to pursue the other guy. The OP has put himself out there and been the instigator of contact a number of times. The ball is clearly in the other guy's court right now.

[+ purplekow]

Texting him one more time?

The guy is busy to text back because of 2 trips and a family death, but he is not busy enough to go online to the same site where they met. He's not interested.

Plenty of choices out there, OP move on! It's my friendly advice!

All I am saying that if the OP is interestested he has to show some initiative and if the last effort fails, so be it.

[OrdinaryJoe]

Gentlemen,

 

Thank you very much for sharing your perspectives. I am glad to see so many varying opinions because I have had all of these thoughts myself.

 

This is a classic case of my head versus my heart. Usually my heart wins out, then I get hurt, and my head ends up having a talk with the heart to listen to it next time. I always make that commitment to myself. Next time I'm listening to my head. The good news is the head is winning right now. I hear those posters who said I should give it one last shot. I feel that too sometimes. At least then if nothing happens, I can feel totally comfortable that it wasn't because I didn't try hard enough. Plus, it might illicit a concrete rejection instead of a passive silent one.

 

I flip back and forth hourly Not sure what I'll do.

 

Thanks again. Very much appreciated.

[LookingAround]

I hold a different point of view. You expect him to contact you and are sitting back and waiting thinking why has he not called me. My approach at this point would be, call or e mail. Tell him you are getting tickets to something you have both expressed interest in and ask him if he wants to go. If he says yes, fine. Anything less than a full yes is a no and forget him. No I would love to but... excuses. Sitting home by the phone waiting for someone else to make the move is a very retro idea whose time has not returned.

So ask him out, it is either yes or forget it.

 

I agree with this.

[Guest Starbuck]

I think OrdinaryJoe's experience is a reminder of the challenge of transferring a relationship from one domain to another. The internet makes it easy to meet people and talk freely, but knowing and liking one another "through the looking glass" doesn't necessarily translate to personal chemistry when you meet. And even if you still like one another at a first in-person meeting, it can be an occasion for cold feet ... you're suddenly face-to-face not only with that semi-anonymous someone you met online, but with all the reasons you liked the limitations of that relationship. On some level, you may want more; on another, not so much. So maybe Joe's experience isn't about how attractive he is, or whether the other guy has found someone more desirable ... maybe it's just about how far the other guy is (or isn't) ready to go in "real time" for reasons only he knows.

[bigvalboy]

Common Courtesy

 

I think common courtesy should extend to all areas. His lack of response after his return, and his clear indecisiveness about whether or not to proceed with any type of connection, put the OP in a position of wondering about the relationship or lack there of. Love, lust, friendship, or just caring for someone are fragile things. At the very least he owed the OP a text or a phone call. That is common courtesy. He should never have said that he wanted to see the OP again, or if in fact he changed his mind, then that call should have been made also. By not responding he sent the OP wondering for days as to what he should do next and sent him into a range of emotions, most of which I am guessing weren't very pleasant, otherwise he would not have come here to post his inquiry and ask for advice.

 

The few times that I tried on-line dating, no physical attraction occurred, but I met some wonderful guys. At the end of each meet, over coffee/breakfast when the other person suggested, or asked if I wanted to take the relationship further, I was very clear as to what my intentions were. That varied from person to person, but I clearly laid out what I felt would work between us. One guy I am still friends with, while the others were looking for something that I couldn't give them. I wish the OP luck

[+ FreshFluff]

Speaking of the joys of online dating, here's an email I just got from some random guy. He has a shirtless photo (already a red flag on straight sites) in which he has a muffintop. That would be fine, except that the profile is generic, with nothing that particularly attracts me. So I asked him to tell me more about himself.

 

Him: I'm not trying to be mysterious but there is so much that I've done in life that I prefer not to rehash it on a website. A friend signed me up on it. I'd rather we discuss me in person." [so I need to take him at his word, and I'm sure he'll do the same for me. Oh, wait.]

 

Him: Btw, since I've been duped by a few ppl, please provide full body pictures (they don't need to be risqué) as well as one with little or no make up on. I prefer natural beauty.

["They don't need to be risque" I already have 2 photos, one with little makeup and the other with no makeup. One is a full body picture in which I'm sitting down.]

 

Me: LOL

 

I've met some great guys both online and offline (for example, at a restaurant last night while waiting for a table). But the douchebags can be pretty funny.

[+ friendofsheila]

Hello,

 

What confuses me is that I gave him an out with the phone call.

 

I have met WAAAAAYYY too many men who cannot act appropriately on what they want, or don't want.

 

He didn't need to respond, could have left it at that, and it would all be done, no mess, no questions asked. But he did respond, specially saying he wants to see me again and then...nothing.

 

And this is just one of the ways they flub up with this sort of thing. I really don't like it when they do this.

[+ FreshFluff]

Here's an instructional video that might help. Hint: The hot ones in drag queen makeup will act superior and make you feel like a little bitch. Instead, choose the hot one without drag queen makeup who's suggestively eating phallic-looking cotton candy.

 

Today, a boy as cute as Woody would let the girls come to him.

 

[video=youtube;FxBOSdl-b54]