Dating - what the hell happened? Feedback needed

[+ FreshFluff]

So how about cases in which the roles are flipped. Let's say i met someone who, in theory, is exactly what I want and he treated me like a princess. But it just wasn't there, but on the other hand, I'd rather not close the door completely. If possible, I'd rather leave the door open but not be a jerk about it like the OP's guy.

 

Would it be ok to say that I'm not ready for a relationship right now but maybe in the future?

 

At its best, dating gives me an awesome high--after a wonderful kiss, for example. But at its worst, it leads to pangs of guilt and self-blame.

[Newly]

Don't mean to judge, but isn't that treating him the way OrdinaryJoe got treated? If he treated you well does he deserve being kept as a back-up? As long as you let him feel there's hope you keep him from moving on. When everything is said and done keeping hope alive in a case like that is saying that he doesn't quite rate but you want a safety until you find someone better.

[bigvalboy]

So how about cases in which the roles are flipped. Let's say i met someone who, in theory, is exactly what I want and he treated me like a princess. But it just wasn't there, but on the other hand, I'd rather not close the door completely. If possible, I'd rather leave the door open but not be a jerk about it like the OP's guy.

 

Would it be ok to say that I'm not ready for a relationship right now but maybe in the future?

 

So far I agree with Newtothis. By keeping the door open, but not embracing the relationship completely, what kind of message are you sending? I think it depends on what you mean by "But it just wasn't there" and do you sincerely believe that it will be in the future. Only you can answer that.

 

At its best, dating gives me an awesome high--after a wonderful kiss, for example. But at its worst, it leads to pangs of guilt and self-blame.

 

My take is that, if any of this is leaving you feeling "guilty", and with feelings of "self-blame" then perhaps you have answered your own question.

[+ FreshFluff]

Thanks, newtoothis and BVB. I knew I could always count on you guys to be honest.

 

I think you're right. As for a relationship in the future, I haven't been in a relationship mood lately with anyone though I've enjoyed being other with some guys in the short term. I don't know if that's because I haven't met the right guy or because I'm truly not ready.

 

BVB, the feelings of self-blame are broader than this.

[+ WilliamM]

So how about cases in which the roles are flipped. Let's say i met someone who, in theory, is exactly what I want and he treated me like a princess. But it just wasn't there, but on the other hand, I'd rather not close the door completely. If possible, I'd rather leave the door open but not be a jerk about it like the OP's guy.

 

Would it be ok to say that I'm not ready for a relationship right now but maybe in the future?

 

 

The older I get the more I greatly prefer a "no" to a "maybe, I'll think about it." I certainly can not say that all men (or all women) think the same way. Just speaking for myself, I guess.

[+ FreshFluff]

The older I get the more I greatly prefer a "no" to a "maybe, I'll think about it." I certainly can not say that all men (or all women) think the same way. Just speaking for myself, I guess.

 

Thanks, William. I told him that but that I'd be happy to be friends if he wants that. That's what I would want too.

[+ FreshFluff]

BTW, remember that random guy I mentioned, the one who asked for full body/no makeup pictures (which I already had)? I corresponded with him a few times but stopped replying after it became clear that he was a total asshole, not just an awkward guy. Hey, I'm slow.

 

Today he sent me this message:

 

"I know who you are you freak."

 

A few days ago, I took down all photos that I posted elsewhere online to prevent being found using image search. But he must have searched me before that, or he's just bluffing.

 

If he sends me any further messages like this, I'm going to report him for abusive behavior/stalking.

[+ WilliamM]

Thanks' date=' William. I told him that but that I'd be happy to be friends if he wants that. That's what I would want too.[/quote']

 

Sorry, it was not fair to reduce your situation, or OrdinaryJoe's to one sentence.

 

I have been on both sides: (a) waiting for a text or phone call, and wondering what to do next when the other person does not respond; (b) not being sufficently aware that I probably hurt someone by not responding, yet not wanting to give encouragement. It was too facile on my part to imply that there was only one answer, clearly it's not the case.

[Newly]

That is incredibly creepy, especially now that with the internet it is so easy to find out information on anyone. You may want to consider letting some close friends know what is going on too. And maybe answer one time letting him know that you've told friends what is going on so that he knows that what he is doing is not anonymous but known to others.

[bigvalboy]

Thanks, William. I told him that but that I'd be happy to be friends if he wants that. That's what I would want too.

 

I think that is an excellent decision FF, and in the end it takes pressure off of you. Friends are always good, sometimes they are better than lovers... Notice I said sometimes....LOL

[OrdinaryJoe]

Hey FreshFluff.

 

I encourage you to just be honest with the guy. Tell him that you like him, you'd like to be friends, maybe FWB, but that you're not feeling that connection that would suggest that there's more. I'll also suggest that it's less about what you say, than it is about your words and your actions matching. So no matter what you decide to say to him, as long as you act in a manner consistent with what you say then all should be good.

 

A quick update on my situation. I won't go into every little detail but I pondered for quite awhile whether I should reach out to him again or not, deferring to not until I had decided. As I was pondering this, I heard from him saying that we should get together again. We did (last night) and had a really great night. I'm still not sure what was up with his behaviour. I was going to seek some clarity from him if the opportunity arose, but it didn't really and I was decided to just let the night unfold organically and see where it went. It's still a discussion we must have should we continue to see each other. Time will tell.

[+ FreshFluff]

A quick update on my situation. I won't go into every little detail but I pondered for quite awhile whether I should reach out to him again or not, deferring to not until I had decided. As I was pondering this, I heard from him saying that we should get together again. We did (last night) and had a really great night. I'm still not sure what was up with his behaviour. I was going to seek some clarity from him if the opportunity arose, but it didn't really and I was decided to just let the night unfold organically and see where it went. It's still a discussion we must have should we continue to see each other. Time will tell.

 

Ha, I had a feeling he'd be back

 

Here's my perspective: There are two reasons not to ask him about what happened. First, you want to be a bit mysterious at first. You want to give the impression of being a guy with a busy dating life who was happy to hear from him but who wasn't sitting by the phone, because you weren't. You don't want to give him the impression that he "has" you yet.

 

Second, I think it helps to avoid relationship talks when you're just getting to know a guy. That helps both of you associate being together with fun and attraction, not with answering tough questions. In any case, if things go well, it's not that important how fast you guys got together.

 

Als, thanks for your thoughts on my situation. It will be interesting to see if he replies. I hope he does.

[+ FreshFluff]

I went out last night and met an interesting couple of guys. Met an interesting couple of guys--not my type, but interesting.

 

I'm off to a benefit tonight. I'm a very light drinker (never learned to like the taste of alcohol), so these events can be a little awkward for me even if I know a few people. But I've gotten more graceful and confident over the past few years.

[+ FreshFluff]

Joe, when you get the chance, please keep up posted about this guy and any others you come across.

[OrdinaryJoe]

Haha, any others? Gosh, no.

 

As far as the guy...well, after what was a really, really, great date on Saturday (and Sun morning...) we have stayed in touch via txt. We're both busy guys so time is tough. He's away this next weekend and then I'm away for the 3 after that. But we have plans to see each other again mid-week next week.

 

He's still a mystery to me. I can't really read him and that is very unusual for me. I don't know where we're going....and I'm not spending much time trying to figure it out. I'm just enjoying getting to know him.

 

I'll keep you updated, particularly once the topic of what the hell happened after date #1 comes up

[JoeyBryant]

- met a guy online awhile ago. We chatted off and on for months, both saying we should meet and eventually agreed to grab a beer.

 

I have to say this for me would be the biggest red-flag. Many books out there will say if a guy can't meet within a relatively reasonable amount of time (1-2 weeks), then to move on. It should never take months to meet someone. People who are serious about dating will not want to wait weeks, let alone months to meet. So the fact that he waited that long to meet, would likely be reasons for his sketchy behavior.

 

I wouldn't allow a client to chat on and off with me for months, the same applies to guys I date.

 

A quick update on my situation. I won't go into every little detail but I pondered for quite awhile whether I should reach out to him again or not, deferring to not until I had decided. As I was pondering this, I heard from him saying that we should get together again. We did (last night) and had a really great night.

 

Well good for you! I had a similar situation. I hooked up with a guy twice last year. We were keeping in touch, then I came back from Florida after a month and when I was trying to meet up, he started making excuses and when I asked if he was in a relationship, he said no. But then he stopped communicating and we stopped meeting up. I then contacted him last month, and all of a sudden he wanted to meet up again. We had a good time. But, he's not responded to my message in a couple days either. I should mention we met online, and the 2nd time we hooked up, he claimed to "have another buddy if I wanted to do a 3som". I told him outright, I don't like to share. He may not be my boyfriend, but still.

 

Those type of guys are wayward. There is something going on in their life, likely another love interest...that causes them to be shady and play these little bullshit games that they play. I have learned over the years and years and years of mistake after mistake after mistake...never invest too much into these guys emotionally or even mentally. Just enjoy what you can get out of them, and IF they change their tune, then you get serious. Most likely, it'll never happen. They have commitment issues, and will play the field (the field being craigslist and related sites) all their life. Some are even sociopathic liars who are lying to and playing several guys at once. Being a Black guy who dates interracially, it's almost become a way of life to meet people like that. It's like damn, do I even want to continue this route or what? Evertime I go out with a guy, it always turns out they're just a chocolate chaser. Jungle Fever. I don't want that.

 

Guys that you can't 'read' or 'figure out' are doing it intentionally. They don't want you to figure them out. I was dating a guy who's grandfather died and he was really distraught about it. But, he still managed to come see me during the whole process. All that other stuff is just excuses. I know if a relative of mine passed, I'd want a man by my side to console to.

 

Anyhow, hope not to be a downer. I would still suggest continuing on and seeing where things lead. I've only mentioned what I said as it relates to the general population of men online.

[OrdinaryJoe]

red-flag.[/color] Many books out there will say if a guy can't meet within a relatively reasonable amount of time (1-2 weeks), then to move on. It should never take months to meet someone. People who are serious about dating will not want to wait weeks, let alone months to meet. So the fact that he waited that long to meet, would likely be reasons for his sketchy behavior..

 

Just to keep the record straight and to own my own behavior in this, the reason we chatted on and off for months before we met was me and not him He asked to get together for a beer quite quickly. I wasn't terrifically eager to do that for a couple of reasons, only one of which had anything to do with him and proved to be inaccurate anyway. And to be fair, we met on Manhunt....not the best site to look for actual dates on.

[Michael Wayne]

Hi. Since you posted this on a forum dedicated to male escorts and their clients I will answer in a little different way. As escorts we go through this type of thing daily many times over so I know what you are feeling and what you are going through. The hardest part of my job is not getting an erection for a guy who isnt even close to my type (that is easy!!! lol!).....no....the hardest part of my job is sifting through the numerous inquiries and determining which potential new clients really and actually want to meet for a real appointment in the real world and which ones are just window shopping or playing games. The window shopping I do not mind. I know it is a very competitive biz. However the gameplaying does bother me and it is the SAME in the dating world. The OP here was PLAYED just like we escorts get played all the time. Also it is the guys who send endless emails, texts and call alot who NEVER book or they cancel last minute. I LOVE my regular clients and i meet GREAT new clients all the time like last week in Tampa I met 3 of the nicest new clients I have EVER had BUT i had to weed through about 30 gameplayers to get to those 3 good ones. Yes it is frustrating but at least i get paid for my trouble whereas in the dating world there is no compensation. http://www.rentboy.com/magicmikey

[+ FreshFluff]

More dating stories: I met O in the elevator of my building a few weeks ago and it appeared we had some things in common. It was awkward since there was only a few secs of interaction. Long story short, he was interested but I needed to go home, so I didn't give him an opening to exchange numbers. So, a few weeks later, I left a note under his door with my contact info. There's always the risk that he'll take it as a booty call invitation, but if he responds, he'll find out soon enough that I'm looking for something else.

 

I'm also dating someone, J, who seems to be a good match, but I'm not sure how I feel about him yet.

 

Joe, what happened with the guy?

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

Joe, what happened with the guy?

 

I hope he didn't stick his finger up his butt and find something.

[OrdinaryJoe]

I hope he didn't stick his finger up his butt and find something.

 

Uhhh....?

 

FreshFluff, thanks for asking. We've been seeing each other as time allows. We're both busy guys - I was just away for a couple weeks and him for 1, so it's been a few weeks since we have seen each other but we have plans this weekend. I'm not sure where we're headed, whether to boyfriend status or what. Things are pretty casual right now and that's cool. I'm enjoying getting to know him and being with him. Time will tell...

[+ azdr0710]

Uhhh....?

 

 

 

Chris was making a funny reference to the other recent thread by FOS....I think!

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

Uhhh....?

 

Joe, there's something to be learned in every thread.

[+ FreshFluff]

FreshFluff, thanks for asking. We've been seeing each other as time allows. We're both busy guys - I was just away for a couple weeks and him for 1, so it's been a few weeks since we have seen each other but we have plans this weekend. I'm not sure where we're headed, whether to boyfriend status or what. Things are pretty casual right now and that's cool. I'm enjoying getting to know him and being with him. Time will tell...

 

Joe, I'm glad to hear that things are going well. Sounds like you're pretty into him, so I hope it continues to go well!

[+ WilliamM]

.

 

He's still a mystery to me. I can't really read him and that is very unusual for me.

 

 

I am really interested in this comment. It's not unusual for people to still be mysteries a little after just a few dates, but your situation seems to go beyond that. Could you write a bit more, especially since it's unusual for you. Is it that you have not had time to really focus completely on him?