How to be a good houseguest?

[craigville beach]

Don't try to compete with your host's wealth. If you in town during the day Saturday, pick up some fresh flowers from 1 of the "trucks" on Main Street for your host. Bartletts Farm truck is there until about 1pm everyday but Sunday. You could also pick up some fresh veggies along with the flowers. You could pick up some of the beer or spirits that Cisco Brewery sells. There is a liquor store just down the street a bit from where the Bartlett farm truck parks.

The brewery itself is outside of town next to the Bartlett Farm. If you go out there you can get everything at the farm store. Don't ask at the farm about the brewery products. The two business while side but side don't get along well. There is a great fresh fish merchant also in the same neighborhood. They have great prepared items.

 

 

most importantly have fun

[nate_sf]

Where's Miss Manners when you need her? Gentle Reader, there's definitely some good advice here. I'd add or elaborate:

 

- If you don't want to "talk shop" have some other topics of conversation prepared just in case. As purplecow suggests, you can pivot the conversation to Mick Jagger or whatever else and hopefully they'll go with it.

 

- Do some research ahead of time and have some things in mind to do on Nantucket if you're asked. Some hosts will take charge and already have an itinerary mapped out, but others will ask you what you want to do. They'll probably be flattered that you showed interest and did a bit of homework ahead of time. But if they want to run the show, be OK with ditching the list - it's a contingency plan.

 

- The suggestions for gifts others have made here are great, particularly if there is significant income variation. If you do want to try to pick up the tab and they resist, only try to do it twice. If after the second time they insist on paying, let it go. However some people will appreciate the offer. You can say you want to take them out for a meal, or as Chris mentions offer to pick up the tip or bar tab. Chances are they will say you are their guest, so the route of gifts is probably going to be the way to go.

 

Don't overthink it, just have fun! I'll bet Nantucket will be great this time of year.

[+ azdr0710]

However, he's already turned down my offer to buy a gift for the host costing about $150.

 

 

that does sound like too much for a gift for this type occasion.....

[Guest]

All right. I gotta admit that asking you to solve those Calculus problems was kind of weird. And, yes, I hope it was for one of his kids. If that was truly the tone of the questions asked at dinner, it would certainly be reasonable to say that you don't enjoy problem-solving at dinner. And knowing he isn't paying for the airfare, and just for two nights does make a difference. You don't have to pick up a $300 dinner tab because he lets you stay at his place for two nights. I would only suggest that you go in with an open attitude. If your new friend is setting you up with an inquisition with a jerk, that says more about your new friend.

The story remind me of a chapter from John Barrowman's autobiography, Anything Goes, entitled "High Flying, Adored" (all right, so I was a bit infatuated with him, but this book did reveal him to be rather self-absorbed to me). In that chapter, the designer Valentino invites Barrowman onto his luxury yacht, takes him on a luxurious cruise, showers him with expensive gifts, and tells him there's a modeling contract for him. Yet Barrowman bristles when Valentino even rubs his neck ("I hate having my neck touched"). After acting disgusted by Valentino's attentions, he expresses surprise when no modeling contact ends up being drawn. "He probably had no intention of offering me a contract..." he muses. Yes, Barrowman obviously thought that having the luxury of being able to gaze at his beautiful eyes was reciprocation enough for all that he was given. And, of course, his thank you letter consists of writing this chapter in his book, exposing Valentino as a lecherous, deceiving old man.

 

P.S. Flowers are a nice touch, but I really would bring a nice wine, not beer, to share for dinner

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSmo53CR1Cw

[+ FreshFluff]

Thanks for the advice, guys. As ever, the situation was precisely the opposite of what I expected. The hosts were just awesome; staying in their beautiful house on the ocean was MUCH more fun than staying in a tiny room at the the Wauwinet. Yes, they are gazillionaires, but they are pretty down to earth and honest about themselves and their weaknesses. Unlike most guys who are that wealthy, he clearly worships his wife and can't stop talking about her intelligence. We had a fantastic time sitting outside, having dinner, talking and gossiping. (The cook made dinner the first night. The second night, had pizza while sitting outside by the pool and looking out on the ocean.)

 

My date, on the other hand, was Jekyll and Hyde. My date was REALLY wanted to impress the hosts. On the one hand, my date has a real gift for being charming and complimenting, but he apparently didn't realize that putting me down in front of the hosts would make him look really bad. A couple of examples:

 

-While we were playing some obscure team game involving throwing balls close to some point. My aim is terrible, so of course I sucked. We were all commenting on the arrangement of the balls and where the next one should go, so I said to my date "There's a lot of room to throw on on the left of the ball." My date's response: "It's humorous that YOU, of all people, are coaching me." The hosts were clearly surprised.

 

-The guys went off to get take out food while the hostess and I set up for dinner and chatted. When they came back, we were setting the table. My guy asked the hostess and me: "You're just setting the table NOW!? What were you doing all this time." The hostess gave him a look and answered "Yakking."

 

A few minutes after doing this, he'd start going on about how I"m an incredible guest, so smart/beautiful, etc. And then back again. Not sure what's going on with him, but I'll remain friends with him. That's it.

 

BTW, I don't want to imply that I'm perfect. The host gave us some puzzles, to which I knew the answer and he didn't. He clearly got flustered about this since he was supposed to be the smart one. As his date, my job was to make him look good, so this was my own failure. (I'm almost always date guys who are far smarter than I am, so I'm not used to this.)

 

In any case, he never did buy the gift. He did try to pay for the take out food; not sure if he succeeded. I'm considering buying a gift (around $60-70) and sending it to them.

[bigvalboy]

Thanks for the advice, guys. As ever, the situation was precisely the opposite of what I expected. The hosts were just awesome; staying in their beautiful house on the ocean was MUCH more fun than staying in a tiny room at the the Wauwinet. Yes, they are gazillionaires, but they are pretty down to earth and honest about themselves and their weaknesses. Unlike most guys who are that wealthy, he clearly worships his wife and can't stop talking about her intelligence. We had a fantastic time sitting outside, having dinner, talking and gossiping. (The cook made dinner the first night. The second night, had pizza while sitting outside by the pool and looking out on the ocean.)

 

My date, on the other hand, was Jekyll and Hyde. My date was REALLY wanted to impress the hosts. On the one hand, my date has a real gift for being charming and complimenting, but he apparently didn't realize that putting me down in front of the hosts would make him look really bad. A couple of examples:

 

-While we were playing some obscure team game involving throwing balls close to some point. My aim is terrible, so of course I sucked. We were all commenting on the arrangement of the balls and where the next one should go, so I said to my date "There's a lot of room to throw on on the left of the ball." My date's response: "It's humorous that YOU, of all people, are coaching me." The hosts were clearly surprised.

 

-The guys went off to get take out food while the hostess and I set up for dinner and chatted. When they came back, we were setting the table. My guy asked the hostess and me: "You're just setting the table NOW!? What were you doing all this time." The hostess gave him a look and answered "Yakking."

 

A few minutes after doing this, he'd start going on about how I"m an incredible guest, so smart/beautiful, etc. And then back again. Not sure what's going on with him, but I'll remain friends with him. That's it.

 

BTW, I don't want to imply that I'm perfect. The host gave us some puzzles, to which I knew the answer and he didn't. He clearly got flustered about this since he was supposed to be the smart one. As his date, my job was to make him look good, so this was my own failure. (I'm almost always date guys who are far smarter than I am, so I'm not used to this.)

 

In any case, he never did buy the gift. He did try to pay for the take out food; not sure if he succeeded. I'm considering buying a gift (around $60-70) and sending it to them.

 

Ya know FF, it sounds like you had a wonderful time, a few bumps perhaps, but that is to be expected. I think this all makes life very interesting. You ultimately learned enough about your date to realize that perhaps he is not the one, and that in and of itself was worth the trip. I would love to see a pic of you in that little 'one piece' but I know it would be inappropriate to post, so for now I will just let my imagination have fun for awhile...

 

And not sure I would spend money on a gift. I don't think that someone of that wealth would expect a gift, but I would purchase some killer stationary and send them a little thank you note. Just my thoughts dahling....

[instudiocity]

On the other hand, he's in his 50s and attractive younger women continue to date him. And he gets invited to dinner parties and is put between two single women. If he were truly gay, wouldn't everyone know by now?

Absolutely not, but you could parade him past the members of the forum and I'd bet we'd have a consensus in 5 seconds as to his sexual proclivities.

[+ purplekow]

Absolutely not, but you could parade him past the members of the forum and I'd bet we'd have a consensus in 5 seconds as to his sexual proclivities.

I really don't think you need a parade. This man is severely repressed and likely in denial, to you anyway, about his sexual preferences. A man in his 50s sleeping next to an attractive woman refuses to let her touch him in a sexual way and they are dating!? He couldnt have a more obvious beard if he were one of the Smith Brothers. (went with the Smith Brothers but first thought Abe Lincoln was funnier, ah well, perhaps He couldnt have a more obvious beard even if he played with ZZ Top.)

[+ FreshFluff]

Thanks, guys. I know this sounds funny, but it hurt. We were sitting outside on a beautiful night, and he was saying things like "I'm perfectly happy to have you around" and "Hopefully, the hosts will have two rooms for us." The rejection stung, and I was in tears for a few seconds.

 

InStudio, his demeanor doesn't seem gay at all. But one could say the same about, say, Ace or NateSF (whom I've met).

 

A man in his 50s sleeping next to an attractive woman refuses to let her touch him in a sexual way and they are dating!?

 

And the woman is about 20 years his junior!

 

I He couldnt have a more obvious beard if he were one of the Smith Brothers. (went with the Smith Brothers but first thought Abe Lincoln was funnier, ah well, perhaps He couldnt have a more obvious beard even if he played with ZZ Top.)

 

The thing is, there was no way to know in the few dates we had before this weekend. As for having a beard, he doesn't need me for that; because of his charm and net worth, he has lots of attractive 40something women coming on to him.

 

Interestingly, he would touch ME sexually, but wouldn't let me touch HIM. It's always possible that he's in love with someone else, but that usually doesn't keep a man from getting hard.

[gallahadesquire]

Ah, true love

 

... The host emailed me my guy asking, "Can Fluffy solve this calculus problem?" I solved it and emailed the answer to the guy I'm dating, who forwarded it on. The host then emailed me directly with a second (and then third) calculus problem and asked me to solve them. That's why I felt that I was being tested, and my intelligence evaluated. I was probably overly sensitive about that; the guy I'm dating said the host was just trying to be welcoming.

 

Anyone who'll solve someone else's Calculus problem is (a) a Saint; (b) a Good Friend; © A Genius; (d) Accessory to a cheat; (e) None of the above. FF, I assume you're in a through c.

[gallahadesquire]

Somehow, I'm reminded of Polonius' advice to Laertes, from King Lear, by our Beloved Bard:

 

Give thy thoughts no tongue,

Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.

Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.(65)

Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,

Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;

But do not dull thy palm with entertainment

Of each new-hatch'd, unfledged comrade. Beware

Of entrance to a quarrel; but being in,(70)

Bear't that the opposed may beware of thee.

Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;

Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.

Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,

But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;(75)

For the apparel oft proclaims the man,

And they in France of the best rank and station

Are of a most select and generous, chief in that.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;

For loan oft loses both itself and friend,(80)

And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

 

Dunno; look at my signature. Just seems appropriate.

[+ FreshFluff]

Anyone who'll solve someone else's Calculus problem is (a) a Saint; (b) a Good Friend; © A Genius; (d) Accessory to a cheat; (e) None of the above. FF, I assume you're in a through c.

 

Gallahad, you are very sweet. The problems were more like puzzles from Martin Gardner books than homework problems. I'm neither a genius nor a saint, but I like to think I'm a good friend.

 

But do not dull thy palm with entertainment

Of each new-hatch'd, unfledged comrade.

I tend to follow this credo. Unlike most women, I spend most of my time boyfriend-free as I only occasionally find men to whom I'm truly attracted, and it feels lonely to spend time with men to whom I'm not attracted. Overall, I've had 2 boyfriends over the past 5 years.

 

However, sexual rejection from anyone, boyfriend or not, hurts.

 

But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;(75)

For the apparel oft proclaims the man,

 

I'm definitely not ostentatious. I've been known to carry handbags until they become embarassingy ratty. :o

 

Seriously though, it's important to separate a man's personal characteristics from the material things such men sometimes purchase. The main factor that drives my attraction to men is intelligence and alpha-ness. My virtual date with BVB notwithstanding;) , the fancy restaurants and nice vacations are nice, but they can never turn me on the basic level that intelligence and assertiveness canl*. (I've turned down several men who were very wealthy but didn't either the intellectual quality or alpha-ness that turns me on.) In fact, if I'm on an early date at a nice restaurant, my mind always runs a subconscious test: Would I enjoy a 3 hour lunch at HoJo with this guy? If not, I let him go, because I know I'll never fall for him.

 

For example, Ideal, the man I dated last summer, is successful but drives an old Honda and is very frugal. He would never pay Wauwinet Inn prices. But he's brilliant and articulate, and I fell in love with him. The current guy was a borderline case, which is why I turned him down 6 years ago. But I decided to give it another try.

 

*This may be because, while I can't afford a 35K handbag, I have or can buy most of the material things that I want.

 

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

 

 

Of course, this is the most complex one of all. I'll answer it later. For now, weary with toil, I haste me to my bed.

[gallahadesquire]

 

Are you talking about "I know you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant?" Do you mean that he didn't intend to insult the hostess and me?

 

I think he's just confused about himself and his sexuality. I read A LOT MORE POSTS after I made a couple of comments, for which I do ask your forgiveness. I think I got lost it the Man A and Man B part of things.

 

I think the first part of anything is enjoyment. I had a fellow who I had IM'd for five years before I finally flew him out to Beantown. WE had several daliences in boston, but the last was absolutely bad: No interaction.

No interest. So it goes (to quote Vonnegut).

 

From what I've read, I think you have a good friend / sexual dud on your hands. Keep looking, dear FF, and you shall find the right man. Anyone who can do calculus problems will find the right man! If you enjoy his company, continue to see him for dinners / dates / movies et. al. Otherwise, look for another good friend who also supplies FWB, to be crude.

 

Oh: I know you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant? It's just a comment on converstations in general.

 

My own life has gone to a Wounded Warrior, 25, 6'4", 250, with a purple heart and a bronze star. He's a sweetie. He is also HUGE. I tried to hold his deltoid in my cupped hands and couldn't. He's a fire fighter, and wants to be a Hero. He's already 2/3 of the way there.

 

P.S. you can look at http://www.edx.edu for courses for MIT and Harvard et.al. They are the actual courses, and one gets a certificate, but no "credit" per se. Shows what we nerds went through at MIT.

[+ FreshFluff]

I think he's just confused about himself and his sexuality. I read A LOT MORE POSTS after I made a couple of comments, for which I do ask your forgiveness. I think I got lost it the Man A and Man B part of things.

 

I think the first part of anything is enjoyment. I had a fellow who I had IM'd for five years before I finally flew him out to Beantown. WE had several daliences in boston, but the last was absolutely bad: No interaction.

No interest. So it goes (to quote Vonnegut).

 

Did you run out of things to talk about? In any case, I think you learn a lot about someone when traveling. There were never any outbursts on regular dates.

 

From what I've read, I think you have a good friend / sexual dud on your hands. Keep looking, dear FF, and you shall find the right man. Anyone who can do calculus problems will find the right man! If you enjoy his company, continue to see him for dinners / dates / movies et. al. Otherwise, look for another good friend who also supplies FWB, to be crude.

 

I don't know about "good friend;" he was pretty nasty during his outbursts. A gay friends said he might be angry at himself for not being "normal" (to use my date's own word for straight).

 

Oh: I know you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant? It's just a comment on converstations in general.

 

Ah, got it.

 

My own life has gone to a Wounded Warrior, 25, 6'4", 250, with a purple heart and a bronze star. He's a sweetie. He is also HUGE. I tried to hold his deltoid in my cupped hands and couldn't. He's a fire fighter, and wants to be a Hero. He's already 2/3 of the way there.

 

He sounds awesome. By "my own life has gone to.." do you mean he's been a lifelong friend or partner?

 

www.edx.edu[/url] for courses for MIT and Harvard et.al. They are the actual courses, and one gets a certificate, but no "credit" per se. Shows what we nerds went through at MIT.

 

Up river, up river, up river, up

Walk these stairs, put the pieces back together

Go don't stop, go don't stop, go don't stop now, go

[+ FreshFluff]

Oh yeah. One night when we were getting intimate--I think we were in bed-- he started singing "I feel pretty" from West side story. Not joking.

 

I guess I just thought that, if he was gay, some media outlet would have written about it during the time he was in the public eye. I did a Lexis-Nexis search and only found that one oblique line. But that was before HuffPost, TMZ, et al. became really hot. Also, he has a PR firm on retainer.

[+ FreshFluff]

I would love to see a pic of you in that little 'one piece' but I know it would be inappropriate to post, so for now I will just let my imagination have fun for awhile...

 

He who closes his PM box misses out, my Per Se darling!

 

And not sure I would spend money on a gift. I don't think that someone of that wealth would expect a gift, but I would purchase some killer stationary and send them a little thank you note. Just my thoughts dahling....

 

Thanks, darling. I bought just that!

[+ FreshFluff]

Thoughts on this thank you note? It's awkward to write: They hosted both my date and me, but after the insulting comment he made out to the hostess, I'd rather not have them think we're a couple, which we're not. And I'm sure he wrote his own note. So I wrote "Alex [my date] and me" instead of "us" and am signing it with my own name only. Also, I don't want to seem too eager to get together in case ethey're not interested.

 

Obviously, all names and details are changed. The salmon refers to the dinner they served one of the nights we were there.

Dear John and Angela,

 

Thank you so much for your incredible hospitality and for hosting Alex and me in your home last weekend; the biking trip downtown, playing pétanque, talking and laughing with you guys over dinner outside: All of it added up to the best vacation I've had in some time. I've already told several of John's jokes to a friend; all had her in stitches, and it took her about five minutes to stop laughing at the giraffe one.

 

I look forward to getting together again sometime. If you'd like, I would be happy to take you to dinner--probably at a non-seafood restaurant to avoid comparisons with that sublime salmon--whenever we are in town at the same time.

Yours,

FreshFluff

[tyro]

Sounds good to me.

T

[+ FreshFluff]

Thanks, Tyro. I was just wondering if that last sentence is complex or too brown-nosy or if it sounds like I'm pushing them to get together.

[rvwnsd]

Thanks, Tyro. I was just wondering if that last sentence is complex or too brown-nosy or if it sounds like I'm pushing them to get together.

Perhaps you could alter the last couple of sentences, as follows:

 

I look forward to taking you out to dinner whenever we are in the same town at the same time. We would have to go to a non-seafood restaurant, as nothing would measure up to that sublime salmon you served. [Assuming, of course, they served that sublime salmon.]

 

Also, if I was writing the note, I would not make reference to Alex. You aren't a couple, so I see no reason to write on behalf of him.

[+ purplekow]

I agree, take out the for hosting Alex and me phrase and you have a great thank you note. I do like rvwnsd's edit on that last part. I find with thank you notes, it is not what is said, but that you thought enough to write at all. Thank you notes, especially hand written should be appreciated always. The personalized note is so much nicer than a quick word at the end of a pre-printed card. Signs of unrushed gentility in the age of e-everything is always welcome in my life.

[+ FreshFluff]

Thanks, PK and rvwnsd. Alex has been removed. rvwnsd's, the revision you proposed is excellent, so I've used it.

 

BTW, I found the following on an etiquette site. My hosts have guests almost every weekend, and I think they would have been offended by such a thing. As for giving a tip behind the hostess' back, I think even the most relaxed host would take that as a criticism of the way he treats the staff.

 

TIPS FOR SERVICE

When you are staying with friends who have permanent, live-in household staff in the city, in the country or at the beach it is appropriate to tip these workers for services performed. These staffers have their normal duties of attending to the household plus the added burden of cleaning up after you. Especially if they make your bed, provide fresh towels and present breakfast and lunch every day. At the end of a trip, slide $10 for every day you were there into an envelope with a little note, “Thank you Matilda.” If there is multiple staff you should leave multiple tips (called “vails” in the Middle Ages). Present the tip in separate envelopes to the cook and to the housekeepers. One side note: make this action discreet. SP once made the mistake of offending a hostess when she discovered the tip to her staff. The misunderstanding in her mind was that her staff is taken care of by her and my tip was offensive. To set the record straight, this hostess was misguided. One does indeed tip household staff. SP stumbled by letting the hostess discover the tip in the first place. Hand the envelope directly to the staff or place it under an object that is impossible to miss.

[gallahadesquire]

I can't get quotes to work today, and I have to work on getting multiple quotes to work.

 

"Dear John and Angela,

 

Thank you so much for your incredible hospitality and for hosting Alex and me in your home last weekend; the biking trip downtown, playing pétanque, talking and laughing with you guys over dinner outside: All of it added up to the best vacation I've had in some time. I've already told several of John's jokes to a friend; all had her in stitches, and it took her about five minutes to stop laughing at the giraffe one.

 

I look forward to getting together again sometime. If you'd like, I would be happy to take you to dinner--probably at a non-seafood restaurant to avoid comparisons with that sublime salmon--whenever we are in town at the same time.

 

Yours,

FreshFluff"

 

I agree about dropping Alex from the note. What worries me is the second sentence. It sounds a little like social climbing. What are the chances of running in to this couple again? (admittedly, I have note your entire post). Were you left with the impression that you will be invited to see them again? Or were you just a part of a setup as a couple? [i still haven't figured that out]. Admitting to the host that you had a good time is always a positive thing, and that a repeat would be lovely. But is it expected? This author is unsure.

 

I'm not sure where you got the idea of tipping. I don't think two nights as all that much effort to the house staff, and certainly NOT to the cook. If you had been thre a week, I could understand. If you asked the waitstaff to wash and dry the car, put in a persian rug, get the candelabras and candles, make a three course meal for a picinic ... now THAT would deserve a tip. Or if you were there for a week.

 

Tipping is always appreciated, but should never be expected.

 

I apologize if I don't make sense. No coffee!

[+ FreshFluff]

What worries me is the second sentence. It sounds a little like social climbing.

 

Do you mean the sentence about the activities (dinner, biking)? Or are you talking about the second paragraph where I invite them to dinner?

 

What are the chances of running in to this couple again? (admittedly, I have note your entire post). Were you left with the impression that you will be invited to see them again? Or were you just a part of a setup as a couple?

 

Admitting to the host that you had a good time is always a positive thing, and that a repeat would be lovely. But is it expected? This author is unsure.

 

I was inviting them to dinner when they're in NYC, where both of us live. I definitely wasn't asking them to invite me back to their vacation home.

 

As for being invited back: On the way to the airport, I mentioned that I had forgotten to sign the guest book (which includes a set of amusing questions). The hostess replied "Well, that means you'll have to come back and stay with us again then!" I certainly didn't expect that answer, and it seemed like she was being genuine--but who knows. They have guests every weekend, and people who barely know them (like Alex) call them and ask them to stay, so it may not be a big deal to them.

 

I'm not sure where you got the idea of tipping. I don't think two nights as all that much effort to the house staff, and certainly NOT to the cook.

 

I was just quoting an article I found online. We certainly didn't tip the house staff, though we tidied up the guest quarters every morning.

[rvwnsd]

...What worries me is the second sentence. It sounds a little like social climbing. What are the chances of running in to this couple again? (admittedly, I have note your entire post)...

 

That's the point: the chances are slim. It is an easy way to be gracious without being intrusive.