What do I Say to a Soldier's spouse?

[BgMstr4u]

"no one made him join the Army and that they knew this day might come, though she had hoped it wouldn't. She says he's Proud to go and do whats right"

 

It may not be fashionable, but the answer that best honors her husband and herself is to have courage, hope and faith. This is the answer for fighting people from time immemorial, and it will never change. Her husband chose to train and act to protect the nation and to do the right thing as the republic decides. Her grief is honorable. If he returns from war (if there is a war), she and he will rejoice in the knowledge that he did his duty and served his country. If he does not return, she and her child will be honored by his sacrifice.

 

Nothing will bring him back alive if he is lost. But to have dared to be brave, to place his life between ours and the force of our enemy, is a great and good thing. If she becomes a widow, she will have a widowhood of honor and respect, and her child a legacy of courage and conviction.

[+ Lucky]

Support Noble Comfort

 

In this case, it would be Noble to give Support and Comfort in capital letters!

Many families are going to be hurting as soldiers go off to war. This time however, the terrorists will bring the war home to us and no one will be safe.

[OneFinger]

I'm glad you posted this because I believe it is important to remember those who are activated. It has a real impact on the families - not just emotional but also physical and financial.

 

I have friends who are cops and were just called to active duty with their Military Police reserve unit. They will only be paid 1/3 the salary they are currently earning. However, the bills will still have to be paid despite losing 2/3 of their income.

 

They will be able to return to their old job when released from active duty. But, they will often lose seniority or see less-experienced co-workers promoted above them in their absence.

 

There are guys who will miss out on seeing their babies born or have parents or loved ones die while they're gone.

 

In the case of my lesbian neighbors, the spouse left behind will NOT be invited participate with the other "military wives". She won't be able to go to the monthly meetings or get support from others experiencing the absence of their partner.

 

Don't get me wrong. I strongly support the war against terrorism and am proud to be a veteran. But there is a real cost and sacrifice for those who serve and those who are left behind.

 

I'm not sure what to we can "say" to a soldier's spouse. But I know there are things we can "do" to support and help them.

[buckguy]

The military really tries to support families left behind. Some people find it a bit too much and too intrusive, but you can rest assured that other wives will pitch in (may be a few husbands, the Army has changed more than the other services). Still, it isn't family and not knowing what may happen to your husband sucks. The best you can do is to empathize with her situation----it's difficult for him to leave now and whetever the Army does to help it's not like being with family.

[Luv2play]

I was born shortly after the end of the Second World War and have lived my life largely during a peaceful era, albeit marked by the Korean conflict, Vietnam war and Gulf war, war in Bosnia etc etc. Of course I am old enough to remember the Cuban crisis and experiencing the thought that we lived on the edge of mass extinction. The so-called peaceful era has had its moments! My parent's generation took war as a fact of life, since they and their parents had lived through two world wars, from which no-one could escape. It touched and marked them all. Now we have wars that seem to be fought by proxy, for most of us. We are untouched, except in the most peripheral way. Others do the fighting, we watch on TV. I am struck that the most vociferous proponents of war with Iraq seem to be the ones who have nothing personal at stake. Only one member of the US Congress has a child in the armed services, and the leading hawks in the administration all managed to avoid serving in Vietnam. If we go to war with Iraq, all efforts will be made to sanitize the operation, as truth is always the first casualty of war. And the American public has little stomach for widespread carnage. I expect we will see an amazing display of weaponry deployed in any effort to dislodge Saddam. This is what is likely to provoke an incredible feeling of powerlessness not only by the intended target but also by those on the sidelines. It is this feeling that is likely to give further impulse to acts of terrorism, which I can only shudder to contemplate.:-(

[Guest RetrdEscrt]

If you are serving in any of the forces Army,Navy,Air Force even as a reserve you must know that at some point you might get called up its part of the deal surely ?

 

it will be hard for families of personnel to think that their loved ones will be thousands of miles away in potential danger and the possible loss of life could be catastrophic but that is the deal you sign up to.

 

If you are a spouse then i am sure there will be plenty of support they can call upon in hard times such as these ,and i hope that the loss of life is minimal ON BOTH SIDES when the war does happen.

 

I dont claim to know the whys and wherefores of all the crap that has been going on personally i dont give a damn about Iraq or Saddam or UN resolutions if anything its about a decade too late if you want to start going on about taking out a brutal dictator who threatens his people blah blah blah it makes me wonder if the NY attacks had not have happened what the situation would be like and would the worlds great and good be so concerned about some regional despot.

[+ deej]

>>its part of the deal surely ?

 

Yes, but that doesn't make it any easier when it happens. It's very easy to tell yourself in advance that you'll be able to handle the separation and anxiety but once it happens it isn't always what you expected.

 

Fortunately the military is pretty good at taking care of their extended family, but it's still tough. The toll of this war won't be taken solely on those that fight it.

[Guest Merlin]

I might help to remind her that our technology has developed to the point that it is probable that very few of our soldier will be injured or killed. Our recent involvements in the first Gulf War, Kosovo, Afghanistan have taught us a lot about neutralizing the enemy with airstrikes before the troops ever go in. We are the best equipped militry in the history of the world, while the Iraqis are less well equipped than they were at the time of the Gulf War. We also have good reason to believe that the Iraqi military will flee or surrender at the first opportunity. They did so in the Gulf War and are today much less well equiped. Statistically, there is very little chance that her husband will be injured.

[OneFinger]

>Fortunately the military is pretty good at taking care of their extended family, but it's still tough.

 

Deej, I agree that the military is pretty good at taking care of their STRAIGHT extended family. It is the gay families that are really left out. Most of the gays I know in the military reserves are "invisible" gays and their significant others are not included in military family functions. For most, it would be the kiss of death for them to be openly gay. No promotions, low evaluations, and loss of their security clearance. Although we currently have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, the emphasis is more on "don't tell" rather than "don't ask".

 

The gay spouse isn't given a military ID card so they can shop on base and get a discount. They aren't part of the support groups or counseling offered to other military spouses. There is a lot of sharing and expressing of fears that takes place in the "spouse groups". It really helps to have a group to talk with that is experiencing the same thing.

 

Then take the case of a couple buying a house together. When one is activated, the straight spouse can submit paperwork to place the mortgage "on hold" during the activation period because of the loss of income. That same benefit isn't afforded to gay couples when one is activated.

 

Being called into active duty is difficult for anyone. But, for gays, there are added burdens and loss of benefits. x(

[+ deej]

Very true.

 

When I was in, being one of them there homosexshuls was cause for immediate dismissal. The guys who were junior troops/officers then would be just now hitting the retirement zone. The culture won't change until their collective attitude has been flushed.

 

Military life (oxymoronic as that is) isn't quite as easy for gays as it should be, and won't be for another generation at least.

 

One of the TV news magazines (20/20 or Nightline, I think) ran a segment just a week or two ago about this. They interviewed a highly skilled emergency surgeon and a translator trained in Arabic languages who had recently been released from duty because they violated "Don't ask, don't tell". They told.

 

Both are skills that would be highly valued during a war. Particularly the Arabic translator in today's climate. But because they're gay, they're not good enough.

 

Separation is something gays face on activation. Getting fired is something they live with day in and day out.

[Guest nhl-nbaguy]

I guess you are not counting those injured by or suffering from Gulf War Syndrome? Our casualty estimates from Gulf War I were also a casualty of that war.

[KY_TOP]

I just spent 2 days at one of my Division offices located close to a military base. During my 2 day visit an entire unit (22,000 plus men and women, 80% of the base) was activated for deployment in the Middle East.

 

This morning I found myself sitting across the desk from a very young female employee, pregnant with her first child (due in April), crying as she explains that her young husband has been activated and will be leaving for War. She explains she will have to leave to stay with relatives,while he is gone, since they have no local family. As tears stream down her face, she explains no one made him join the Army and that they knew this day might come, though she had hoped it wouldn't. She says he's Proud to go and do whats right, she knows he must but her heart is broken and he may not come back alive.

 

At this point I don't know what to say! I don't know how I feel about this War that is about to start. But I realize the BS on the the Pro and Anti War arguments don't mean anything at this point, on this morning as I stumble for words to say something to help this Young Woman. I then realize at this point in time the only thing that mattered was to try to Support and Comfort her and her Soldier husband. I offered my support, thoughts, and prayers to her and most of all I told her she must take care of herself and her baby. I have a habit of saying "Take Care" instead of Good-Bye and today I meant it more than I ever have. I later found out another employee's husband had also been called up for deployment and she will be staying even though she also has no local family. Everyone there at that office promised me they will look after her and be her Support and family as her husband fights this War.

 

Maybe its time just to Support those soldiers and their families as they leave for what they feel is a Noble cause... I don't know...just really lost for words.