Fin Fang Foom Visits El Mirage

[Guest Fin Fang Foom]

A friend of mine has for months been telling me about El Mirage on Houston Street. He loves to regale me with tales of wanton debauchery and hot steamy man-sex - at which point I ask him to get back to the subject of El Mirage. He's told me that it's lots of fun and there're many hot guys there and blah blah blah - you know, all the regular stuff.

 

So, I decided I would go, see for myself and report back to all my cyber-sandbox playmates here on the message board. (Who loves ya baby?)

 

For those not acquainted with Manhattan's geography, Houston Street (pronounced HOUSE-ton) is a main drag running east and west at the north edge of Soho. It's located at 253 Houston, where the East Village ends and the Bowery begins. The area once was seedy, but not anymore. You take the F train to Houston and walk a couple blocks east. It's on the south side of the street.

 

You enter at street level through a door that says nothing more than "Studio 253". Upon entering, I was greeted by a giant. (Not in the mythological sense, although trolls WERE in abundance, but I'm getting ahead of myself) In fact, the help at the front door was slightly surreal. As I stood in line, I was looking at the guy taking the money and thinking how much he looked like a girl - poor guy. As I got closer I realized that he looked like a girl because he was a she and she was a lesbian. I don't have a problem with lesbians, but really now folks, call me old fashioned, but if I'm going to a gay sex club, I would rather not have a woman be taking my money at the front door.

 

I paid by $40 membership fee and was told that the $20 admission charge was waved with the first visit. (I can do the math, I didn't feel I was done any favors there) She then instruction me to step behind that curtain that the giant Carol Merrill was standing in front of. Being the obedient patron that I am, I ankled on over and stepped behind the curtain. The giant joined me behind the curtain and asked me several questions as to whether I was in law enforcement, etc. and I told him: "No, I'm a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. I love things that suck." My friend had prepared me for the next question which was: "Take out your cock and show it to me". (Apparently, cops don't have cocks) I did, he let out a whistle and then said: "Wow, congratulations". I smiled demurely, put Miss Hattie away, zipped up, grabbed my purse and sweater and walked back out. I then returned to the lesbian, she had me sign a couple of forms, gave me my membership card and my Frequent Fucker card - with 20 punches, you get one free admission - only nineteen more to go! I was also instructed that I could wear underpants or a t-shirt, but not both (apparently the skinny Asian man inside didn't read the memo) or I can be naked. It seems they don't have a problem with berets because there was a black guy running around in one. (I don't know about you, but a beret is not my idea of proper sex club wear. But I could be wrong.)

 

I was then buzzed through to the clothes check area which had the requisite faux leather couch and a TV playing bad porn. A personable guy in his late 40's handed me a hanger and informed me that coat check was $2 (oh yeah, and there was a cup for tips - fuck that shit!). There is also a frig that is stocked with refreshing generic brand beverages - my favorite was "Tea-licious!". Shockingly the drinks are free - no beer or wine. Thankfully, there was no bowl filled with Trailmix. The last thing I would want to do is eat from a bowl that's be reached into by lube-slimed hands. I put my jeans on the hanger, and of course, all my change came crashing down onto the floor - already I'm making a scene. I collect my change, finish putting everything onto the hanger, make sure my undies are fitting nicely and then give my clothes to the guy. He gives me a number that is attached to one of those things you can put around your wrist - I don't know what they're called. Finally, I'm ready for my entrance into El Mirage proper!

 

The only thing that separates the clothes check area from the club itself is a large beige canvas curtain hanging in front of the entrance. I walk through and there it is - El Mirage in all its seedy splendor. The space is shaped like a shoe box and has probably 15' ceilings. The walls are painted black (what a surprise) and it has the dim, sex club lighting you would expect. The main floor area, although dim, is well-lit and you can see everyone without any problem. In the back there is a claustrophobic room that has no lights where the really unattractive guys always tend to gravitate. There is a platform in the front that is surrounded by a wire fence and draped with that stuff you see in movies that's cloth that looks shredded - something else I don't know what it's called. An unattractive guy was getting fucked there by an equally unattractive guy and they were surrounded by more unattractive men - not a good beginning. Next to this platform area there is a thing my friend calls "the tree house" - to me it looks like the top of a castle. You can get up into it my climbing a rope ladder thing. Not once all evening did I see anyone risk humiliation by trying to climb up there. Under the tree house there is a sling that no one ever got in.

 

Moving deeper into the club, on the right there is another relatively large room that has been closed off with more beige canvas curtains (there must have been a sale on Orchard Street). Inside are two sectional couches at right angles to each other and a sling on the left. In this sling there was a dissipated middle-aged man wearing a dirty jockstrap, waiting for someone to fuck him. Even in El Mirage, the human spirit cannot be crushed and hope springs eternal. The couches were littered with men sucking and fucking and committing all manner of homosexual perversion. In other words, they were having fun. Unfortunately, not a single one of them was attractive.

 

Let me stop here and get this out of the way because it's probably what most of you are wondering: "What was the crowd like?"

 

In a word: grim.

 

Knowing that I would be writing about my experience there, I tried to do a head count. I estimated that there were about 45 guys there. The average age was probably 46 - and it was a HARD 46. Excluding my friend, there were two other guys who could be termed "hot" - sorta - they were popular but didn't really do anything for me. In fact, one of the guys walked around naked the entire time with his hand in front of his cock (put your underpants back on already!). The rest of the men mostly looked like a group of Shriners without their clothes. I know that might appeal to some of you, but I don't have a Shriners fetish. Let me also say that I don't just go for beauties. In fact, I find that I have more fun with regular guys. However, "regular" is something that night's group should aspire to. Saggy tits, flat chests, soft pudgy middles, distended bellies and nonexistent asses abounded. When I called El Mirage for times of operation, I got a recording saying that it was a club for (and this point was STRESSED, mind you) "in shape men". When a club's marketing promises that, then I expect it. If they had said nothing, then I would know that all bets were off and whoever was there was whoever was there. So, if there are any of you out there who think if you go you're gonna see something approximately the final scene of a Falcon video, you will be sorely disappointed. However, if you've always wanted to know what it would be like if the audience of the Gaiety decided to have a private sex party, then El Mirage is for you.

 

Continuing on with the tour.........

 

Behind the big curtained room is "the dark room". It has no light in it but it does get some ambient light from the doorway and there is some meshing that allows you to look into the curtained room. Behind that is a TINY cubicle that has glory two holes - that should come as a relief to you cocksuckers. The play areas run along the right side of the space, on the left there is some seating and in the back there are two or three (I lost count) bathrooms. Also at the back, and the front, there is a table with lube and condoms (although everyone I saw, except one, was barebacking) and paper towels.

 

There is a small downstairs area that reminded me of the basement in "The Blair Witch Project". When I reached the bottom of the stairs, turned left, and entered a small room, I expected to see a guy standing with his face to the corner. Instead, I was greeted by more unattractive men - what a surprise. There is also a shower downstairs. The downstairs area is probably half the size of the coat check area.

 

And that is the layout of El Mirage.

 

It's clean (as sex clubs go) and it thankfully doesn't have that smell that backrooms often have. My only real complaint about the place is that they allow smoking. After a while, my eyes began to burn and that facilitated my departure.

 

So, you may wonder, did I have fun? Not really. I was about to leave when a kid I thought was cute came in and I gave him a handjob and made him squirt. This, mind you, was after being there for over two hours. I chatted with my friend during those two hours when he wasn't patrolling the area and watched the crowd and planned what I would write. As I sat there, I figured there were some guys who thought I felt I was one of the Chelsea queens who thinks he's hotter then anyone there and is waiting for someone as fabulous as he thinks he is to arrive so he can play. But I've reached a point in my life where I'm not going to have sex just to have sex. If the guy doesn't do anything for me I'm not going to just go through the motions and get off. I'd rather sit there and people watch, which, can be very enjoyable. In fact, I never got off.

 

In closing, let me say that although the crowd wasn't a bunch of beauties, they mostly seemed to be really nice guys and there wasn't any attitude. So, if you're a guy who isn't picky about who you play with and you just like sex out in the open with a bunch of guys, El Mirage is a worthwhile evening. However, if you want to feel as though you're visiting a porn set, you'll be disappointed.

 

And that, as they say, is that.

 

Informatively yours,

 

FFF

[Justice]

Thanks, but no thanks.

 

>My friend had prepared me

>for the next question which was: "Take out your cock and show

>it to me". (Apparently, cops don't have cocks)

 

I had to laugh at this one. I have no idea how the NYPD's vice squad operates, but I once saw an episode of Cops that showed the New Orleans vice squad in operation. I don't know if its SOP for New Orleans (it may have been done for the benefit of the show) but one of the cops dropped his black briefs (they blurred out the good stuff) before his colleagues burst into the room and made the arrest.

[Luv2play]

FFF, thanks very much for your informative piece about the El Mirage. A friend of mine from New York had told me about it and I had intended on going sometime. Now I think I will save my $40 and put it towards one of New York's many excellent escorts on my next visit. It may cost more but then, if you're so inclined, you can imagine what a hot porno flic your encounter with one of these gorgeous escorts would look like on the silver screen. I actually had one date with an escort videotaped several years back to look at when I get old and gray!! Like you, I need a little visual stimulation to get the juices flowing. Thanks again for a great review.

[VaHawk]

FABULOUS POST!! Very well written, informative (it even gives the correct pronunciation of Houston street), a real service to the board and above all else very humorous and a true pleasure to read. The descriptions were so good that I felt like I was actually there!

Thanks FFF for a great start to the day! :7 :7 :7 :7

[+ Lucky]

"However, if you've always wanted to know what it would be like if the audience of the Gaiety decided to have a private sex party, then El Mirage is for you. "

Actually, I have not wanted to know this but the line did make me laugh. Every once in a while Foom writes something that I like, and I did like this post!

[Guest Les]

Thanks for the review Mr. Foom! A place to avoid.

although everyone I saw, except one, was barebacking

Creepy and depressing at the same time.

[+ glutes]

3F:

Thank you for saving me $40, and providing many laughs and chortles over my morning Museli! Naked Shriners with non-existent asses, that is beyond 'grim' for me! You should be issued a badge for courage for lasting 2 hours...

[BigD]

I don't like this visual:

Shrinners lounging around in their underwear wanting/waiting to fuck!

The naked truth leaves much to be desired.

[Guest Fin Fang Foom]

>So, if there are any of you out there

>who think if you go you're gonna see something approximately

>the final scene of a Falcon video, you will be sorely

>disappointed.

 

I reread my post last night and this sentence was so hideously constructed (not to mention the misspelled word) I have to fix it:

 

"So, if any of you think you will see something approximating the last scene of a Falcon video, ya ain't gonna be happy."

 

ahhhhhhhh

 

Thank you for indulging me.

 

I feel better now.

 

Contently yours,

 

FFF

[Guest Fin Fang Foom]

>So, if there are any of you out there

>who think if you go you're gonna see something approximately

>the final scene of a Falcon video, you will be sorely

>disappointed.

 

I reread my post last night and this sentence was so hideously constructed (not to mention the misspelled word) I have to fix it:

 

"So, if any of you think you will see something approximating the last scene of a Falcon video, ya ain't gonna be happy."

 

ahhhhhhhh

 

Thank you for indulging me.

 

I feel better now.

 

Contently yours,

 

FFF

[+ Charlie]

FFF, you have finally regained the form that made your early posts here such a pleasure to read. You have also perfectly captured the essence of such places--it brought back nostalgic memories of the New York sex clubs of my youth, such as the Mine Shaft, the Toilet, J's, the Man Hole, etc.; as you imply, there is a generic quality to such places that hasn't changed in forty years. And thanks for saving me the time and money of reviewing it for myself.

[TinyBubbles]

My Dearest FFF:

 

I've known you now for about 20 years and, quite frankly, cant believe the following phrase came from your lips----> "But I've reached a point in my life where I'm not going to have sex just to have sex"...Now, I know you dont drink or take any kind of drugs, so I know its not that. I can only assume that its a VERY high fever causing statements like that coming from you, would you like me to call a doctor for you?...And as for your comment about the average age of the guys being 46, couldn't you have just said "guys my age"....Happy New Year darling, love you more than ever!!!!

 

In enduring friendship,

 

TinyBubbles

 

P.S. Stop stealing my line about the Trailmix!!!!

[Guest Fin Fang Foom]

>My Dearest FFF:

>

> I've known you now for about 20 years and, quite frankly,

>cant believe the following phrase came from your lips---->

>"But I've reached a point in my life where I'm not going to

>have sex just to have sex"...Now, I know you dont drink or

>take any kind of drugs, so I know its not that. I can only

>assume that its a VERY high fever causing statements like that

>coming from you, would you like me to call a doctor for

>you?...And as for your comment about the average age of the

>guys being 46, couldn't you have just said "guys my

>age"....Happy New Year darling, love you more than ever!!!!

 

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my muse and best friend, Tiny Bubbles, to our cyber-sandbox. For those of you who think I am funny, TB (as I will call him) is THE funniest person I've ever met. Period. No contest. End of discussion.

 

However, TB's wit is matched only by his disregard for my ACTUAL AGE. I'm FORTY-TWO, cunt, and you know it! (Some people start getting bitter when they're careening headlong into FORTY!)

 

 

> In enduring friendship,

 

Keep up with posts like that and you can kiss your birthday gift bye-bye.

 

 

>P.S. Stop stealing my line about the Trailmix!!!!

 

As for the Trailmix reference, I admit, it's TB's. He used it YEARS ago when talking about that theatre on lower 2nd Avenue - the one he was always downstairs sucking cock in. (When the Star Sapphire bathroom wasn't available.)

 

I love ya baby.

 

Lovingly yours,

 

FFF

[+ Lucky]

This is so cute! I hope you guys kiss at midnight!

[Guest Fin Fang Foom]

>This is so cute! I hope you guys kiss at midnight!

 

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

 

Thankfully, TB and I live in different states.

 

Geographically yours,

 

FFF

[+ Lucky]

TB....isn't that your other friend, Thunderbuns?